Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes

[Onlymeeeeee]

Just as the title really, specifically looking for other people who initiated the process, not because there is anyone else, but because they cannot stay with the stbex.

@DrMumMum well done. Hold onto your inner conviction as he repeatedly tells you it's all your fault. That's what they all say. Take care and keep venting here!

@DrMumMum you know that it's not your fault right?

Thanks for your support everyone. I feel really sad today but I think that's more because I'm mourning the relationship I thought it was going to be rather than the fact I'm going to miss his daily presence.

Mammy, I do know it's not my fault although I can't say that's stopped me running over all the lies he's come out with in my head. I've actually posted on a separate board about his prescription drug addiction. That was the root cause of it all and he was still denying it yesterday.

Hope you all have a nice day. I'm off to a toddler group this morning with my 2YO and I'm going to try to take pleasure in the small things today.

@drmummum I know it's not your fault but I also know how easy it is to doubt yourself in this situation so just confirming!
I'm in a similar situation with an EA husband and I did the Freedom programme online last week and found it very good to confirm what I thought was right. I find what's been helpful to me to plough on with decision to separate is to remind myself every single day of one of the bad days of which there were hundreds perhaps thousands in past 13 years and this gives me strength and confidence in my decision being the right one for my children as I've no doubt whatsoever that it's the right one for me

Hope you've a lovely day, it's ok to feel sad, I feel sadness that it hasn't worked out as I'd hoped but I also feel a release from the stress that was keeping me down too

Even though nothing has actually changed from the outside looking in, we're still in same house, paying same bills, keeping similar routine but internally everything has changed, he no longer has the upper hand, or a mental hold on me, and the future is bright too. 2018 will be difficult but 2019 will be better.

That internal shift is so important mammy. Suddenly the EA doesn't work as you no longer care for their opinion! It's liberating

Definitely borris

Mammymammyirl my stbex said the other day why was I being so stubborn and to stop so things can go back to normal. Now I have decided things can't go on with me and dd being controlled and abused by him things are never going to go back to 'normal' because his 'normal' is not what normal is about.

RoseMartha you are 100% right, his normal is not normal at all. My dm and a friend asked recently how are things and I said they're good, he's calm, reasonable, parenting well and they thought sure that's great sure why don't you forget about this idea of splitting up and I had to emphasis about the cycle of abuse, that this won't continue and if it does continue it'll make for a great co parenting relationship but it's not going to be a marriage as the line has been crossed and I've had enough of the cycle of abuse.

My H hasn't mentioned going back to normal yet but I think he's realised that he has pushed me too far this time. I can't call him STBEXH because I know that's a long way off but he's not 'D'H anymore either!

Mammymammyirl. Yes that is right they are okay for a bit and then the whole cycle starts again gets really bad and then gets better for a bit, builds up and get really bad etc. I can't really say stbex either as although instructed solicitor he has yet to receive anything, because of Easter holidays and annual leave.

@RoseMartha is he aware you've contacted solicitor at all?

Mammymammyirl yes he knows I have been to a solicitor twice . And I have spoken about divorce to him. He is claiming he has done nothing wrong and apparently all his friends could not imagine him being the way I said he is. He told me he will make my life hell and will not sign papers or move out and says I am stuck with him whether I want it or not.

@RoseMartha everything you describe your stbx saying is an echo of mine. We are nearing final divorce stages and my ex is still saying he will make my life hell, he has nothing to lose, he'll create Armageddon, he will never move out etc. Unbelievable how they follow the script!

It's not only men who are complete 'pains in the a$%^' with considerable vindictive tendencies.

Unravelling fast . Sorry to hear that. It is encouraging for me that you hav progressed with things despite it. 🤗

Outabout of course it can be the other way round.

@outabout Of course it's not just either males or females or who make other people's lives hell. Who says it is? Vent away if you need to, we're supportive here.

@RoseMartha thanks! It's taken me a long time and it's not over yet unfortunately but I guess there is some light at the end of the tunnel.

My dm came to stay, she could easily have slept in with me or in my bed & I stay with dc but no the martyr changed his bedclothes and slept on the couch 

She wanted to know who I've told and was concerned that my cousin might have told dm's side of the family, she won't have but I couldn't give a flying fuck if she has

Rose & Unravelling isn't it so crazy that they all think & do the exact same things

@mammymammyIRL amazing how family can muscle in and make it about them isn't it! I hope you managed to get some sleep- you were up very early or very late? I didn't sleep till 4.30 grrr.

Mine have been generally good (well putting aside the fact that they have all told all their friends and acquaintances everything about my personal life in the interests of 'concern' ) as things have improved a lot over the years with the way they treat me. I always used to be the 'problem' one and what I have now realised is that whatever I achieve, there is a part of them that will always need me to be 'troubled' because that way they don't need to question themselves. So when my shit hit the fan it kind of hit the spot with them which I found frustrating. But I couldn't really hide a divorce I try and minimise what I tell them so it doesn't get spread about. And I try and remember that I don't have to be defined by them. But I would never confide in them that I have faced many a night recently thinking about suicide even though I know I wouldn't because of dcs and also I wouldn't anyway. But the depth of despair and fuck uppery I feel on and off they have no idea about. And I could do with the support but don't want the broadcasting service! I guess accepting an ea r/s didn't come out of nowhere for me anyway!

I was both last night, up late as was out for dinner and then alarm still went off at 5.40am! Feeling effects of it today but at least it's the weekend now and work is quiet.

unravelling mine are the opposite, they'd love for no one to ever know but like you said that's not remotely possible
Sorry to hear you've felt suicidal and hope that you've got some real life support from friends when you can't confide in your family.

Here was I thinking, oh I'm so relieved he is being reasonable but so surprised too, thanking my lucky stars... when wham! one of the terrible, hurtful arguments that are the root of why I am separating, this morning.
I wanted to try (again) to ask him to move out within a reasonable, and seriously-aimed-at, date. No chance. Not only nothing, but Armageddon scenario threats if I push it! But of course I was being nasty, he loves me.

@Helpnow1 horrible how the blow ups are so sudden and unexpected isn't it. I hope you're ok.

Thank you, @UnRavellingFast , yes, I had even had a talk with 2 friends about how to go about it. All goes out of the window with him though. I'm glad there are people on here who really understand how impossible it can be. It's very hard to explain

@Helpnow1 This happens every time I even hint at moving forward and is even worse if I mention the word 'independent'. It's horrible really because it means we're still on egg shells, still controlled and still stuck. Eventually I'm going to have to be brave enough to just force it through and just accept the consequences.

@Vanillarose I'm so sorry to hear that you're finding this too. "still on egg shells, still controlled and still stuck" describes it exactly. I'm just desperately trying to make myself remember that now there is at least light at the end of the tunnel. Trying to think, maddening though it is STILL to be forced to accept things rather than have him unleash WW3, it will be over one day, and peace and harmony can begin for good!