Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes

[Onlymeeeeee]

Just as the title really, specifically looking for other people who initiated the process, not because there is anyone else, but because they cannot stay with the stbex.

Thanks borris. Have seen a solicitor so I know he'll struggle to force me to sell, especially as I'm paying the mortgage and bills.

I do see his point though, he's in a single room and can't take the kids there but he's refusing to rent anything better.

When I first told him we were I over, I moved into the office and slept on a sofa bed

That initially was ok but then my ex would just walk in whenever he wanted something “from the office” (he didn’t, it was a control thing)

He would say things like “on paper you’re still my wife so I expect you to do.......”

I was hoping to do the 2 years sepation divorce.......then when I mentioned that a year and a half in, he laughed and said no chance.......yours still cooking, cleaning and maintaining the household. Legally he was right. I’m trying to keep things “nice” for the children, (family meals etc) I’d made it harder on myself

So I told him I wanted s divorce on his unreasonable behaviour instead (he had already attended a course for abusive men). He told me if I mentioned his lack of parenting of our children, he wouldn’t sign

I chose other reasons, hot the solicitor involved and told him we would each have 50% of the equity of the house and everything else belonged to who owns it

That was in March 2017

August 2017, our house went on the market and we accepted an offer 3 days later. I had huge fears of him not signing but I think he realised we were over. He bought his new house in October, the marital Home completed end of November

Once I applied for the divorce he became really nasty. The language he used towards me (even in front of our children) became appalling

The children and I are so much happier in our little house together

He still messages to tell me either how much he loves me or what a spiteful, nasty person I am to leave him

Misstobe thanks for sharing. That already sounds so familiar. I get "I'm still your husband so I will do xyz" all the time. I walk on eggshells constantly trying not to let the children pick up on anything being wrong - cooking, cleaning, organising family meals out etc. I just can't bear them to be hurt by my decision anymore than is necessary. He doesn't show the same consideration. So I feel even worse than I did when I was pretending to be happy. I suppose I haven't filed yet because I know when I do I will unleash WW3 on us all. It doesn't need to be like that. But I just know it will be...

I don’t understand why they make it so nasty

Can’t they see how much it damages their children?

MissTeBe that's exactly what I predict would happen with H if we did living separately together, he's that vindictive.

It sounds like you're me of the future

Borris that's interesting viewpoint about homelessness, h inherited another house other than ours.
I love that line, going to steal that.
Mine in my head is 'H, we need to deal with the facts, not your perception of them' haven't used it yet.

Bookvan welcome

Sassy your post is brilliant, welcome and thanks. I think my calmness and uncaring attitude is unnerving dh as I would've been like you, kept 'our problems' to myself and been everything to everyone even keeping his relationship with his own grown up children alive etc.

I was even looking at Christmas present list last night, thinking that's the last time I'll have to stress about 60% of those peoples presents 🎁

Oh vanillarose I know how you feel. I have had second app with solicitor been send pages after pages of terms etc to read etc. I know there is no going back and yet that next step is scary. It's like tip toeing through a minefield all the time at home , not that it was ever not like that I have been walking on eggshells around him for years but for more things now and being normal for the kids is extra hard, especially when he keeps stonewalling me or trying to verbally intimidate or blackmail to not go through with it. On top of the normal stonewalling etc that is.

Gosh it sounds like lots of us are having a bad couple of days... maybe its because it's nearly Easter or something?? The guilt is hitting me like a rock at the moment. Not just the guilt of how this may effect the children (because that alone is enough to make most of us loose the plot) but how much this is hurting our wider families - my mother - his mother, sisters, brothers in-laws you name it they are all now involved and expressing their hurt in different ways. On the one hand I feel such guilt for being the one who initiated all this hurt - but on the other hand very annoyed that a) I can't take the hurt away and b) the alternative would of been to sacrifice my own happiness for the sake of everyone else.
@sassy - love your post - thank you that's helped me feel a little more positive today and @mammymammyIRL love your quote about facts - don't think I'd dare use it but I will be saying it in my head!
And that's another thing.... I'm generally considered a confident strong person - but I literally can't bring myself to discuss issues with STBxH at the moment due to fear of his reaction. I feel so weak and feeble against him - how can I be 2 different people at the same time!!

Seems like there's so many of us! I don't know anyone in real life who has experienced anything like this and feel so alone. While I wish none of us were going through it, I'm glad I've found some people who actually get it.

Onlymeeeeee Thank you for your kind words x

Borris I am considering who to confide in. Not rushing as I wouldn’t want to find myself the subject of gossip. Truth be told, I’m quite isolated and have no friends so choosing even a family member makes me a tad nervous. I may choose to just ask to speak to the pastor of our church we haven’t attended for a while mainly because H isn’t interested and off doing his own thing and I have no transport without him. But I am moving forward, even by inches, so at some point discussion with someone else will happen too.

When I read your statement: "I can see you're upset about this and I do want to sort this out. But I cannot allow you to speak to me like this". I cheered you on. Good on you. I say similar to H and when he ignores me and tries to continue to talk over me or shout, I just walk away. I also think you’re right to prioritise your mental health because it’s not just about their behaviour – it horrifically damages us mentally and emotionally. It’s dreadful and needs to be acknowledged.

Bookvan I am glad you too found this supportive thread.

MissTeBe That must have been awful, trying to stay in your own little space and having him just walking in whenever like that. I’m sorry he turned so nasty but glad for you that you and your children are happy and in your own home now. How sad and pathetic though that he still sends you those kinds of messages.

Vanillarose and RoseMartha Walking on eggshells constantly is exhausting. I hope you each are able to find small but significant ways of caring for yourself in the midst of all this.

mammymammyIRL Thank you for your own encouragement. Cheers to this being the last Christmas you’ll have to stress about presents. I stopped buying years ago because I found it so stressful. He provided the money but left me to think about his relatives and what they might like, brave the shops, find suitable paper and wrap everything, etc. Honestly, some married men think of their wives as little more than skivvies and I got totally fed up with that so flatly refused to do it any longer, since when it’s just been cards because of course H could not be bothered to do it himself.

iamthrough I am sending you a virtual hug but also I am lifting your head…look up, look at me. Listen. You are not the one who initiated all this hurt. At no point did you do that. HE did, because of his behaviour. You have simply initiated your escape from it. Big difference. Huge difference. Please, sweetheart, never believe you caused any of this. You are doing your best to keep your head above water and maintain some dignity in the process. You are confident and strong. There is nothing weak and feeble about a woman who has lived your life for this long and still retains compassion for others. And you are not 2 different people at the same time – you are your own sweet self, full stop. And the version HE tries to deal with is the one he created, which doesn’t exist, which is why you struggle to respond because he’s trying to deal with HER and, believe me, SHE isn’t YOU.

Sorry for long post. You’ve all welcomed me with open arms so I just want to lift your heads, hold hands, kiss brows and give virtual hugs however I can.

I created an acronym for myself:
I AM
Stronger than anyone realises
Tenacious in adversity
Robust and ready for anything
Open to whatever good things life has to offer
Not afraid of the future or what it may hold
Gracious to others because I am a mature, grown woman

Feel free to adopt xxx

@sassylittlesunflower That's probably the most amazing thing anyone's ever said to me! Have to be honest it made me cry - but thank you thank you! I will find the strength to get through this and yes agree I am no longer afraid of the future and I am open to all the good things in life.
When this is all over Sassy I think you may have a career in self help books or something - really no idea what you do now but I think you should consider it!

Since starting this journey and looking on the internet and asking friends searching for answers I'm actually amazed how many people are going through similar things. In a few years when this is all over for all of us will all be strong independent sassy wise women - and there are enough of us to make an army - bring it on!!

Sassylittlesunflower ty went to gp today as can't stop hands shaking and tears etc and she was really sweet and listened and wants to see me in four weeks. Sending me for blood test to rule out other things to be on safe side and gave me a form to fill out as said she thinks I need counselling. I told her I have lost 6lb in two weeks and I am a tad underweight as it is. I said I didn't want to go on meds. She said maybe necessary short term but we will see how you go.
I am so glad I found this group it makes me feel I am not alone.

Hi friends. It's so inspiring and - well comradely if that fits- reading your words. We are so brave and strong Together iyswim! Knowing all these EA partners are following similar scripts is kind of reassuring though obviously so horrific any one of us has to experience it. It prevents the mind warp they are so good at inflicting. I also get reams of texts about what a bitch I am - evil cruel etc should go to church and will certainly go to hell etc! Then there are times when he's just sad and I feel so worried against my will because I do know I'm being played. He keeps saying 'I have nothing left to lose' etc. I challenge him and say please confirm if you're threatening suicide as I will send police round to check on your welfare. He then says of course I'm not threatening anything.

We had court case for financial stuff a little while ago. He's not responding or participating. It's so exhausting. Normal ppl accept its over don't they? It's been years and years we've lived apart but under same roof and been miserable and so why wouldn't he want out too? I think it's panic at losing control and as pp pointed out- they don't know how to manage without wife-brain carrying the joint life arrangements.

Oof sorry for long post. Given up nicotine gum which is obvs crap timing but my throat is always raw feeling.

I've just caught up on all your recent posts after a busy couple of days and I'm struck (again) by what amazing and brave people you are. It is so good to have this opportunity to be among people who get what it's all about and to know it's not just me being horrible to STBXH, as he likes to portray to me and everyone.

It is very childish of me but I love writing STBXH !

@helpnow1 i know what you mean, i Love saying My Ex tee hee

Unravellingfast.......it’s acary when they say they haven’t got anything to live for

Mine did the same

Whenever he has the children I’m worried for them too

I just want to wrap my children up and keep them from anything nasty I feel guilty for failing them

It’s so hard......we feel guilty no matter what we do

@MissTeBe yes I feel the same about kids being there although I want them to have relationship with their dad if he's being ok with them. But this crappy I have nothing to lose stuff is scary when they're there.

Well, we've exchanged form Es, and it's clear he intends to dump the children asap, or at least that he's completely incapable of considering what they may need.
It's a big step forward, legally as big as him finally leaving the house, and i can see my future, it's bright, it's shining at me, I'm nearly there!

Yay onlymeeee. Keep going

We're having our first night at our new house, me and dd. The plan is over the next 2 weeks to have a few overnights before the final me moving out and her going to 50-50.

We've had a lovely evening. I know that we will have ups and downs and we will fall out etc but tonight just being with dd on her own was amazing.

I was nervous of bedtime in case she was difficult or upset. But all went smoothly. I'm now in bed. Exhausted from all the mental energy I think.

Yay back atcha @borris that's great news.

Borris that sounds lovely!

Does anyone have any advice on how to get your stbxh to get on with finding somewhere to live? Mine is behaving as if nothing has changed and (as before) hardly speaking to me at all

@onlymeeee and @borris well done to you both it sounds like you're really getting somewhere. The relief of progress must me huge! Good to hear some of us at least can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I think it was having to fill in form e for court that convinced my stbExH, he'd originally said he was waiting for the bailiffs, but then he also told me (when notified that i was divorcing for UB) that he would not allow that and I'd need to wait 2 years. So I had good legal advice and sat tight, pretty much ignoring him, can't say it was a fun few months!

Thanks Onlymeeeeee, everything feels a bit tough right now!