Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes

[Onlymeeeeee]

Just as the title really, specifically looking for other people who initiated the process, not because there is anyone else, but because they cannot stay with the stbex.

My update on another thread

@RoseMartha good that you had a break for a few days, I'll bet you needed it. A little glimpse of the future. Although all the more difficult to return to home

@mammynowanauntyIRL Sounds like H is being a complete d!ck I bet you can't wait to get some stuff sorted at mediation.

@CannotFindAUsernme wishing you lots of luck and strength today . You are doing the right thing. It will soon be tomorrow and you can start to move on. You will be a better parent when you are away from all this pressure, and your kids will be far better off - @mammy's quote is perfect. This happened to me, and I was so much better off, really I was.

My H is back from his holiday with DCs. At first he was being really stand-offish and I think that's because we said we'd 'talk' when he's back and I'm trying to find a suitable time.
However there's always practical stuff to sort, arrangements for things etc which I'm finding really difficult to approach with him because he's so difficult and he's so incapable of doing anything himself.
It took me a week to pluck up the courage to talk to him about plans for DS' birthday. Obviously the plans include all of us because it wouldn't be fair on DS to do it any other way, but H seems to have taken this as a reason to revert back to denial mode because I've suggested doing something as a family for this

I'm so exhausted but I really need to have that next conversation with him .

@Tiddleypops yes it was hard going back.

@mammynowanauntyIRL sounds good advice, thanks for sharing 🤗

@CannotFindAUsernme how was your day?

Thinking of you all. We're all behind each other so even when it feels you're alone you're not.

Holiday is proving to be a head f**k. He is being dickish - but also behaving like there isn't anything wrong. It's bearable when the kids are up - but the evenings..!!

@CannotFindAUsernme hope all's ok
@namechanged77 it's no holiday sure it isn't?

I told him on Thursday and he was devastated, he cried and cried. I went to the house yday and started to move things, he is not ready to tell the kids, wants to tell them we are all moving house and he will be working away for a while, tell them in a few weeks. I feel like such a horrible person for hurting him that i am considering it. Today I have a lorry coming to move some furniture, I am in a daze. I cant make decisions, I cant think snd I feel like crap. On the other hand his reaction shows that he never believed I would actually go. He told me before that I couldnt survive on my own so it must be a big shock for him to see that I have the balls to do it. It is a truly horrible situation, a nightmare I wish I could wake up from. Moving in tomorrow hopefully so will have to tell the kids something today

Cannot maybe it's an idea so they don't have so much to handle at the one time

Well done

I've been lurking here, but I just want to say please don't begin your new life on a lie. Tell your children the truth from the get go. Not telling them now isn't going to diminish what they feel when you do and may actually make it worse as they'll be expecting Dad to be 'home any day now'. In your DC's minds, this makes a place for him in your new home that he is never going to fill. He's not going to stay away for 'a few weeks' pretending to be out of town. He's going to want to stay there (or be able to walk in and out at least) and pretend he's 'home for the weekend' or whatever.

All you would be doing would be to make him feel like he still has a chance for reconciliation if he can only stall long enough. It will also give him a chance to treat your new peaceful home as if it were his. You can 'feel sorry' for him all you like. But don't enable him to drag things out so he can try to control and manipulate you. He's been doing that long enough, hasn't he?

Well done @CannotFindAUsernme, you did it!
You're right, he never thought you would do it.
His delay in telling the kids is probably more about his unwillingness to face up to things. Keep strong, you are doing amazingly well x

Well done @CannotFindAUsernme You've done the hardest bit. Really admire you for saying what you needed to say.

My H is behaving like splitting up isn't on the radar. He was moody today (as always when driving a long way) and I could barely contain myself in front of the DCs. He wasn't as bad as he's been in the past, but that doesn't seem to matter to me anymore. Then he was talking about friends who've split up with no acknowledgement at all that it's on the cards for us. Makes me feel like I'm living on a different planet.

It's just crazy namechanged isn't it?

@namechanged77 , @CannotFindAUsernme 🤗

@acrossthepond, what you say I agree with and it would have been my gut instinct to do the whole conversation at once. If he had not been so pigheadded we could have stayed in their home and then it would only have been a conversation about him leaving. My Mum also thinks it is too much for them to process all at once, but surely dragging it out is like taking a week to pull of the sticky plaster ?
The kids all want to go home from Grannys house so the conversation will have to be today, I cant say why we are staying here any longer, there is no excuse. He does not feel able to have the chat, do I go on ahead and do it on my own ?
I am so stressed out and exhausted and this is the worst part.
Should I take them back out to the family home and tell them there ? He said he didnt think he could do any of the talking. Or tell them somewhere neutral and then take them to see their new home ?
I know no one can tell me what to do, I feel like a real coward today, this literally is the final hurdle and I dont want to jump it.
Thanks for all the support ladies. It is much appreciated. to all x

Well, telling them on your own does allow you to control the narrative. You won't have to worry about him pushing all the 'blame' on you and making himself a victim in their eyes. You can use the old standard "Sometimes mummies and daddies just don't get along anymore. When that happens it's best they don't live together so they don't argue. But we still love you to pieces and you will see Daddy all the time". No blame, no finger pointing. Otherwise you run the risk of him saying "Mummy doesn't love Daddy and is taking you with her. Daddy will miss you so much". Or worse.

Where you tell them I don't think is as important as when and how. I also think he wants to put it off as long as possible so will continue to put obstacles in the way of doing so.

Your analogy of ripping off a plaster is correct. Best get things done quickly, but also as neutrally and gently as possible. He's not going to help you with this in any way.

I have spoken to him. We are going to tell them today on neutral territory. I dont want him in my house yet, it needs to be my house first. He is full of remorse today, but there is no going back 😢

Funny you say that. My BFF NEVER allowed her ex into her home. She allowed him to go as far as her front step to pick up their son, but never allowed him across the threshold. She said she wanted no memories of him within her four walls. She didn't want to look at a chair and think "He was sitting there when he said XXX" or "That picture fell off the wall when he did YYY". It was her 'sanctum sanctorum', a place in which he did not exist, as it were.

It's the reason why she didn't want to remain in the family home, there were just too many memories of ugly things he'd said or done.

I didn't move, but I did get new furniture and redecorate when I kicked my ex out (no DC). Not quite the same, but it did a lot to banish his presence.

Good luck. Stay strong and remember; control the narrative.

@CannotFindAUsernme how are things? 🤗

Had a bad day H very unreasonable and horrible to me. 😕 he is in middle if annual leave which is not helping the situation.

I also do not want h to come into my future new home, or stay in family home either for those reasons.

Mediation session #2 today. He's on annual leave & chose the date, was planning stuff with dc for today so I mentioned you've an appt and he said no that's Tuesday, I said I don't think so. Then when he'd confirmed that it was today, says to dc we can't do x today because of this shit ffs! He booked the date, also said he hasn't got all his paperwork together, but he has this morning to get it ready!

@CannotFindAUsernme How did it go telling dc?

@mammynowanauntyIRL good luck today. Wow, getting the day wrong, what an arse. It sounds like he's dragging his heels. Hope it goes OK

@CannotFindAUsernme hope it went as well as it could telling the DC. Hope you are doing OK.

@RoseMartha hugs to you. Sorry to hear he's being extra horrible, especially when there is no break because he's off work.
My H has been on annual leave too so I feel your pain, he's just there in my face, all the bloody time. He kept me hanging around all weekend waiting on some half plan he might have with DS which never materialised. I ended up going for a walk just to get him to do something with DS for a bit and to have some space!

@namechanged77 oh noo, total denial mode then? They are all the same, my H is being the same. I'm gearing up for our next conversation where I clearly need to be more assertive and convincing (thought I already had been but clearly he heard something completely different than the actual words that came out of my mouth . There're so many other things going off at home at the moment to juggle as well

@Tiddleypops and @namechanged77
i feel your pain. I say something and H twists it to making the situation my fault or to his advantage. When he says something he will then deny it. 🤗🙄 and by it i mean the whole conversation. I wasted 5 mins on the phone to my solicitor after one thing he promised then went back on.

@CannotFindAUsernme sending a 🤗 even if you dont feel you want or can talk about it tight now.

@mammynowanauntyIRL hope it goes ok.

Thanks tiddleypops.

Its done, it was truly horrible. We did it sitting round a table as I wanted to be able to see their wee faces. I have never seen all my kids sitting bawling at the same time, it was heartbreaking. They were very accepting though. H behaved himself mostly. We are going to see our house today. It's a massive change for them, so I am feeling nervous. Thanks for all the support ladies, appreciate it x

Well done @CannotFindAUsernme You've done it. The DCs are bound to be upset initially but I keep being told DCs are better off out of an unhappy situation.

The big holiday argument I was waiting for happened last night. He wants to do something none of us want to do. He had a strop and walked off ahead of us. But the worst bit was that when I wasn't there he swore at the DCs and told them they were out of order. They were really really upset. And he told them later he didn't see any need to apologise.

After they were in bed I told him it wasn't on - and he blamed me and them... It's true I've not been that keen for him to put his arms round me or anything. But it would be false if I did.

Think I have to find your courage @CannotFindAUsernme ...

Sorry about the bold...

@namechanged its not courage, it was necessity. I could not mentally handle the twisted behaviour that had become the norm between us. We are all entitled to some happiness in our lives, unfortunately the dc have to suffer but I am told they are resillient. I do hope that is true.
Are you staying in the family home @namechanged ? I feel cross about that. I wanted to stay just to get myself sorted out properly but he would not leave, it was his house and why should he move. Yesterdays conversation would have been easier if Daddy was moving out and they still had their familiar surroundings but no he had to sig his heels in. One of the kids asked why are we not staying at home, had to say that daddy wanted to stay there to get it ready as he was going to sell it. It's a long road ahead....

It didn't go ok, he couldn't control himself or his temper in mediation & despite mediators best attempts to get him to calm down she couldn't & so she was left with no option but to terminate mediation and I'm left with no option but to go down the legal route with this.

Have left a message for solicitor to call me. Will see where it goes from here.

I'm swinging between temper, hurt, disappointment & fear of what's ahead.

Cannot your post breaks me heart as it's in front of me too but you had to do it for yours and the children's sakes. And I think yours & my children have to go through this hurt for better lives in the long run, unfortunately their mothers made poor choices for partners or their dads became bad people in the interim.

Been watching a video from a single mother who became a single mother at 35 due to being cheated on five years ago and met someone new who 3.5 years on cheated on her too, so her son has lost out twice too.