Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes

[Onlymeeeeee]

Just as the title really, specifically looking for other people who initiated the process, not because there is anyone else, but because they cannot stay with the stbex.

@rosemartha I am thinking you are doing the right thing staying put but at what cost ro you and the dc ? Perhaps it is different for me as I dont want the house, it will possibly have to be sold in order to get me my 60% of the assets, but I dont actually know what money he has so Im not sure. I hope you are doing OK. This is no life for anyone to lead x

@cannotfindausername They're unbelievable aren't they? Disney Dads and Super Dads now and did nothing with their children in their lives up to now

I'm like rosemartha also staying in family home right now, because I'm responsible for half the mortgage whether I live there or not so I'll stay put until this all shakes out

Another superhero dad in my house. Drives me mad. Of course he loves his family so so much that not living in the same house will be unbearable*

*oh but the thought of it wasn't so unbearable as to treat his wife with respect and care, nor enough to deal with drinking issues. Ok then.

Children do figure it out for themselves and the facade is too difficult to maintain for long. I have first hand experience - my parents divorced, it was my mother who was non resident parent and when I finally reached late-teen/adulthood and started talking about her bad behaviour and selfishness to my wonderful dad, it was a big relief for him after he had dutifully kept his low opinions of her to himself for over a decade!

But what did you have to go through for those years @tiddleypops ? That was unfair on you as a child to have to deal with a badly behaved adult ! I actually cant bear being in the house at all at the minute, I cant listen to the saccharine being poured on the kids from a mighty height constantly. They cant breathe but he is asking about how they do it, hovering over them all the time. If I say anything he is there aeconding me. This time last week he was being so nasty to me and now it like Mr Hyde has left the building and Dr Jekyll has returned. Its very confusing, and as I say sad because if he had made this effort 5/6 years ago we wouldnt be where we are today. He is selfish to the core though so I know he wont be able to maintain this for long. Kids as we well know, those of us who have actually brought them up, are not all fun and games !!

Looking back, I think my dad did the right thing not forcing his opinion of my mother onto me. She was the opposite and looked for things to vilify my dad which just made me feel protective of him and angry with her for saying crazy untrue things about him.
Kids just see right through it. He made sure he provided me with a safe and happy home and accepted he couldn't do anything about her behaviour - and sure enough she damaged her own relationship with me all by herself in the end.
He was supportive when I wanted to cut down my contact with her etc. but again, never slagged her off or anything, just listened and validated MY feelings without intermingling his own (until I was older and able to have more of a two sided conversation about it).

I really hope I can maintain such a dignified position! I am not sure how he did it!!

It sounds like your H knows exactly what he is doing. Playing with your head and swapping roles from bad guy to good guy is all part of a cycle of abuse designed to make you unsure of your own feelings. Keep going @CannotFindAUsername, you are in the right and you'll have some space from him soon

Thank you Tiddley, it has been going for so long that as the final hurdle approaches I feel myself sapped of all energy. I am sitting at the minute in what will be my home this time next week and I just want someone to come along and make it all better again. My emotions are so mixed up, it mostly centres on the kids as I am so far past any reconcilliation. There are things that have been done that cannot be undone between us. I just hope that I can also provide for my kids what your dad did for you, and we can look forward to a happy future. I am under no illusions, I know it is going to be tough from all sides but hopefully happier. I know also that he will ruin his own relationships with the kids given time. He already has none with the eldest and persists in damaging what he has with the next child right in front of me. The younger kids are just too yoing yet to see how he works. Its just all so sad.

@CannotFindAUsernme and @Tiddleypops 🤗

Oh gosh the Jekyll and Hyde thing is really awful isnt it. Thats what it is like here and has been for years. You never know where you are with them and one time i might say something completely normal and he responds normally another time i say the same thing and he kicks off on a tangent!
I hate the feelings this makes as you never know what is going to happen next or how he will react to another comment I make.
And they twist it so you end up saying sorry for something they have done to stop the silent treatment. And they never admit they are in the wrong and they never apologise.

He is started to speak yesterday on 2 occasions then went back to silent treatment or sarcastic digs to the room in general about me but not too me and so the kids who were intently watching tv didnt really cotton on to what he was saying.

We are definitely all married to the same man ladies ! What a stereotype ! And we just become accustomed to living in this way, it really is no life.
Well I have to make a decision now, which day next week do I go ? I am really scared, and not of any physicsl reaction, but of setting the wheels in motion because once they start thats it isnt it ? The house is ready, I need to move some stuff from here over to it and obviously all our clothes, toys etc. I actually have no excuse to stay here. Yet I am dragging my feet, why ? Why cant I make this decision ?

What's the day he's at home least?
What's your favourite day?
Pick a number on calendar?

We are all married to same man I could have written rosemartha's post

@mammy thank you for the ideas. Its not thw actual day, its facing the finality of it I think.

it is comforting to know i am not alone not nice for you both though going through the same things.

@mammynowanauntyIRL It is like jumping off a cliff because you dont know how you will land, will there be a ledge or branch to hang onto, i felt like this before i told him enough was enough and then afterwards still felt like this.
Now i still feel unsure about how it will be, but trying not to look too far ahead and taking each problem as it comes but knowing we might be looking for a new place to live etc

My problem is that I am saying this is it. We are leaving and wont be back. He has known that I have been looking for the past few months but he has no idea when I am going to say it. I would not feel comfortable staying here with him once I told him I had a house and was going. He would make my life and that of the children unbearable, we would all be on massive guilt trips. But I think realising that when I say it I am walking out the door is a really overwhelming thing, I am about to change 5 peoples lives forever. Am I being over dramatic do you think ?

Not at all I don’t think you’re being over dramatic at all, it is a life changing event but changing for the better for most of you.
Completely see your reasoning behind not being in the house after telling him.
He has surely noticed you emptying out possessions though or are you leaving all that too?

Rose Martha I had Dr Jekyll & mr Hyde this week too Sunday he threatened me, my job, was vicious then Tues eve was the most calm reasonable man you could meet. But at least I don’t care which one I’ve got anymore as the love is gone & it’s only putting in the time now until we live separately.

@CannotFindAUsernme no of course not it is a life changing step in the right direction for you. 🤗

@mammynowanauntyIRL yes ikwum. He was evasive tonight as to where he had been all day when kids asked .

Rose grr it's so horrible seeing them treat the children badly.

I'm away since fri eve so only saw him for 15 mins since Tuesday he's on nights & was at a friends wed eve & I was at hairdressers Thursday eve, it makes the situation much more tolerable

@mammy I have been Decluttering since the school holidays started so the House looks empty but I have not really removed anything from it, well very little aside from personal possessions. He does sometimes. Make comments like am I siphoning things from the house or asks me where i am putting everything. I told him the skip which is actually mostly the truth. I will be moving all after I have told him hence the decluttering and organising.
He is being super annoying today tho. To the point of ridiculous with the fantastic dad act, the kids are smothered with attention. I actually had to just leave and go out in the afternoon, couldnt stick it anymore, even the exaggerated condescending voice that he uses when talking to them, cannot stand it. No patience today !!

@CannotFindAUsernme 🤗

@Rose thank you, and right back at you x How was your weekend ?

@CannotFindAUsernme kids and i went camping for a few days. Home now and his mood has been fickle ok one minute then opposite the next.
How are you?

Im hanging in there. Tomorrow is D Day, I am telling H that we are leaving so absolutely dreading tomorrow coming. Hoping that it goes better than I anticipate but thinking that it wont. Wish me luck x

@CannotFindAUsernme couldn't get you out of my head today, let us know how it goes, be strong you deserve this & so do your dc. Best of luck

@RoseMartha sounds like a nice break

Thank you @mammy , I will. I have never been so nervous in my life. I am on the verge of altering our lives, perhaps for the better, but forever. I am truly scared of everyones reactions, of the future, of coping with everything. I truly never saw myself as a single parent, this is not what I wanted, for my kids to say they come from a broken home. So sad 😢

@CannotFindAUsernme my stepdaughter told me a few years ago, 'it's better to come from a broken home, than live in one' and she was speaking from the experience of an adult whose parents separated when she was a child & had witnessed the arguing.
It reverberated through my head since & still does.