Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes

[Onlymeeeeee]

Just as the title really, specifically looking for other people who initiated the process, not because there is anyone else, but because they cannot stay with the stbex.

@CannotFindAUsernme how far away is this holiday time wise and distance too.
With no separation in place & him being their dad he can take them on holiday once he isn't a flight risk, if he is you need to act fast I guess.
Did you get hold of solicitor today?

Sending hugs to all 🤗🤗

I have an appt with solicitor tomorrow. The separation will be in place by next week, he wants to take them the last week of August. I would be a complete nervous wreck, 2 of my kids are autistic and 1 has severe allergies. He does not believe in any of these conditions, hence the kids will not be cared for or considered. There has been no support either for the kids or me during their diagnosis/treatment etc. I just can't bear it. The older 2 upon hearing of the plans do not want to go, they are 12 and 14. Can they be made to go ? I have a list of. Questions made out for the solicitor. My house is ready to go. I will be telling him and walking out the door. So nervous though, so very nervous

@cannotfindausername is your dc with allergies in danger if H doesn't avoid the foods/animals/whatever they're allergic to

Have you everything important and sentimental to you moved to new place? Those steps out of the door will be walking into your new life, good luck with it x

Thank you @mammynowanauntieIRL. Yes I have all removed, its at my mums. And yes my daughter is anaphylactic, and he pays no heed to avoiding the foods she is allergic too. I feel like I will have a heart attack worrying about them. I know I will have to get over this cos its not like he is going to roll over and say he doesnt want any contact, but I am really struggling. And surely in an access situation I would need to be told of any intention to take them away for so long ? I am looking foward to speaking to the solicitor today. How are you today ? And everyone else, how are you all keeping ?

I'm ok, my H was supernaturally nice yesterday, most obliging regarding appointments I wanted to make and arranging cover for when au pair is away This was never his attitude in all our time together so I don't really know what he's playing at and I'm not going to waste my energy thinking about it either.

I hope your dd is old enough to avoid foods she's allergic to as that's a major worry, will he administer epipen if necessary? has he had to before?

She is pretty sensible but its contact thats beyond her control I am more worried about ! Peanuts on the sofa, mayo smeared on the chopping board, stuff like that. I have been to the solicitor and he says for now the ball is in my court with regards to access so they just wont be going, end of. Are you living on your own away from H @mammynowanauntie ? I would imagine it will take some time, if ever before my H will oblige me with anything when he realises he is not going to get his own way with things, and when I move next week with no notice that will really annoy him.

No we're still in family home, bedrooms opposite sides of landing

@mammynowanauntyIRL sending a hug.

Terrible tension tonight he is speaking to kids although upset dd to the point of taking me an hour to calm her down. But not speaking to me.

Rose hopefully we'll all be out of this living nightmare before long

Any tips for coping with the 'family' holiday? It'll be lovely being away with the DCs - but there'll be no escape.

What kind of accommodation setup?
I took myself off to the room a couple of evenings to read a book & H took them to games room. How many dc? Maybe divide up some days to do separate activities? I met friends the second day so had a few hours to myself, would've been far better if this was during the middle of holiday as it would've been something to look forward to.

@CannotFindAUsernme the holiday situation does sound very difficult.
Do you feel a bit more ready for things now you've seen the solicitor?

@mammynowanauntyIRL what an arse! I hope today is a better day.

Whoops I meant that last comment for @RoseMartha

@mammynowanauntyIRL in think in your situation I would be suspicious of the ultra niceness!

Isnt the tension the worst @rosemartha ? My kids dont say much but the fact that they have learnt to keep their heads down and out of the way speaks for itself.
@mammynowanauntieIRL I have no bed so thats a goal I am working towards ! Sofas are not kind to the middle-aged !
@namechanged, we went away on a family holiday in March and same as @mammy said, we split up and went different directions with the kids. I shared a room with my daughter and he shared a room with my eldest son. So I went to bed with her at night so as not to disturb her later. The kids were divided 2 younger and 2 older and appropriate outings were done that way.
Hi @tiddleypops, I feel empowered because the law is on my side. I would always want him to see the kids and I wouldn't stop him but it can be on my terms, which means he will have to wake up and wise up. The kids need a single residence and that will be with me. Perhaps at last he will stop laughing at me, being dismissive and belittling me ! This wont be me saying it, its the law and he cant argue with it.

@CannotFindAUsernme hugs to you. I can say sleeping on the floor is no better either but i look forward to when i can sleep in a bed again.
@namechanged77 Good luck with holiday. We didnt go on one because if splitting this year. Next year i will try and take kids away somewhere.
@mammynowanauntyIRL Thank you. Things have moved a bit in last few weeks after being stagnant for a while due to him stalling things.
@Tiddleypops Thank you

@rosemartha, what is your situation ? Are you close to having a bed again ?

@CannotFindAUsernme part way through divorce. Almost six months in. He keeps promising one thing then denying we had conversation. Nisi not granted yet but has been applied for. I moved out bedroom because he would not. He has made threats. He is emotionally, financially abusive, mean to kids but not physically hurt and had affairs that he will not admit to . How much longer? I dont know, if he starts being reasonable which i doubt as i am divorcing him for unreasonable behaviour then maybe 10-12 weeks or could drag on for another 6-12 months min. He is out for all he can for himself not what is best for kids.

Can I ask why you dont leave the family home ? Were you told not to ? I have to leave for my own sanity, the black dog is edging the door open on me again and I just cant go there.

for you @CannotFindAUsernme. I know what you mean. Have you been to the GP? It's a vicious circle isn't it - you need energy and strength to deal with the situation, yet the situation drains you of those very resources! I am going to see the GP tomorrow, I want a paper trail to demonstrate the impact of my H's drinking problems for one, and two, I also feel pretty depressed. Getting through the day is a feat in itself, and there is nothing left to deal with the horrible situation I am living in.

You will be out soon though. You have your new home to feel safe and secure in and you will be better placed to deal with all of this. I really can see why this is a better way to do it if you can do it financially.

I know finances are obviously a big thing. I work as a TA, my pay iant great but I will make it work because the alternative is to stay here and, at the risk of being dramatic, slowly die. There is nothing for me in this marriage, and I never thought this would happen to me but I suppose you cant predict the future

@CannotFindAUsernme solicitor said to stay put if we go he will have no reason to leave and it will be drawn out more. Solicitor is trying to get it so we have the house until tertiary education is over then its sold. But this is dependant on outcome of form E. I have considered moving out and renting but prices high in my area and realistically i am looking at a one bed flat kids in bedroom me in lounge in the rental. my extended family think i should stay put.

I see what your predicament is. I do not want the house, so for now I just wanted to know that I had some control over the kids as he wanted themfor half the week. Something that firstly he couldn't mamage with work amd secondly I dont believe is the best way as the kids need a residence, not to love between 2 addresses and never really call anywhere home. Now I know my rights I will look at the finances later.
He is driving me nuts. Almost as if he knows its coming, he has become superdad, absolute model parent, giving all his time to the boys, spoiling them, being the parent he could have been had he tried for the past 14 years. I am so angry about it as he is going to make things a lot worse for them when we go. I am not sure he can maintain superdad indefinitely but for now he is certainly turning their heads and they are delighted to finally be getting attention from him. Feeling very sad about it all today amd really guilty, even though I know he would never make any effort with me, guilty for what I am going to do to them.

@CannotFindAUsernme how annoying and frustrating. I doubt he will be able to maintain this and kids do see through the facade even if they dont say.
I would move out and i will move out if his behaviour gets worse.
Today he is still talking to kids but still stonewalling me.

@rosemartha H rarely speaks to me but says its my fault, everything that he has done or said is my fault. He takes no responsibility for any of his actions as they are all caused by me. I am no angel at times also but I am tired of living with someone with the maturity of a 10 year old ! I really hope they see through him. They are older now and I know men dont always find younger kids easy but up until now I was bringing them up on my own, or so it felt. Now I am still doing all the practical stuff, still caring for them, but he is ultrafun daddy so doesnt he look the best in their eyes ? It may cut it with them but it wont with me. Way too little too late. My house is just about ready so the hard work of telling the kids next week is upon me. That I am dreading😓 But the reward of being able to breathe again, no atmosphere, no sleeping on the really uncomfortable sofa will be worth it. I might even stop grinding my teeth before I have worn them away !