Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes

[Onlymeeeeee]

Just as the title really, specifically looking for other people who initiated the process, not because there is anyone else, but because they cannot stay with the stbex.

I genuinely think he hadn't a clue initially but there's been a bit more activity about transferring it over since the split so maybe someone told him it would be a good idea to do it now.

He was shell shocked by the idea in mediation that I could be entitled to some of it.

Solicitor was great and I didn't have to go and meet him we were able to discuss everything by phone. I didn't know who to go with as person recommended by a friend is unavailable until September so I just went with my gut feeling. But still kind of leaning towards me staying in the house which I don't think is in my best interests from a new life point of view.

@tiddleypops totally feel your frustration regarding holiday. We went, I booked it, organised paying for it, chased passports when they didn't arrive, bought dc clothes needed, packed, organised sterling (he did collect it) and he just packed his own stuff and drove my car to airport. But this must be magnified when it's not even a holiday you'll benefit from!

I just noticed last night that dd wrote a card from me for his birthday. His gift purchased by me on their behalf only arrived today - 3 days late, i couldn't give a rats ass.

What ages are your dc?

@mammynowanauntyIRL I can understand your feelings about the house, and wanting a fresh start. Frustrating. I guess getting a solicitor involved at this stage means that things might progress a bit quicker now though? If it isn't going to make much difference to financial settlements then could you move out sooner? Would you be selling the house and splitting the equity eventually?

This dependency on you for doing everything is part of the problem isn't it? It's a large part of why I hate living in this limbo. I'm still bloody doing it all!
Our DS is 5, he's my only one, but H has 2 older teens too. I'm actually relieved they are going as well, they have more common sense than H does and will share a bit of the responsibility for my DS. I'm sure they'll snitch too, if anything goes wrong!

I really don't know what'll happen - the ideal for me would be sell and split proceeds or H buy me out (only possible if he gets financial help from any or all of his older children)
There's a perceived idea that I want the house and him out but that couldn't be further from the truth, I'll wait to see what he suggests at next session or if he draws it down I'll discuss.

Solicitor advised not to move out because if I do there's no getting back in, plus I don't want to pay rent in a place as I still have to fulfill my half of the mortgage too

Solicitor is only in an advisory capacity at the moment but if mediation breaks down then he'll be writing a letter on my behalf to formalise separation

@Marlboroandmalbec34 - well done for staying strong. Can't believe his mum's behaving like that. And and to everyone dealing with shite over the summer holidays.

For me, he is behaving as if everything is my fault. I suppose that's not a surprise, but he does it in such a reasonable tone. It's really getting me down and I struggle to stand up to it. He says it's all because my dad was crap (he was) and I'm projecting all that on him (er no). Nothing to do with his behaviour of course...

Plus the prat didn't pass on that a summer club was cancelled yesterday, despite having had loads of conversations about it. He just doesn't bother his pretty little head.

And the DCs are glued to me at the moment - they follow me from room to room. Means I have to keep my fake happy face on all the time. Oldest DC is also pretty anxious at the moment - and only wants me. We're not arguing in front of them or anything, so I don't know if it is connected but they do suss things don't they? Maybe they just see that I'm the one that's engaging with them...

Yes, it sounds as though assumptions are being made that you would want to stay in the house. You definitely don't want to end up being in a position where you have to pay half the mortgage on top of rent. I know how you feel, I think if I had the option of cutting loose and starting again elsewhere I would want that too.

It's good you have the solicitor prepped and some legal advice.

@namechanged77 Oh no, that sounds exhausting. The fake happy smile is just so tough at times isn't it? I sometimes think that H believe it too, and that's when he starts with his disbelief that we are over! Idiot!

I think kids do suss things and how is your H behaving towards them?
Last week when I was feeling particularly ground down by the whole thing, I know my patience was not what it usually is, I was just a bit more snappy and irritable, and that undoubtedly has an effect on my DS. It just makes me resent H even more, that he is having this impact .

@namechanged77 have you got support in rl to make you stronger to face this?

@Tiddleypops think it's because that's what normally happens with separated mothers, they stay in family home.

Fake happy smile / the week of that last week really wore me out. At least at home I've escape of work.
Actually told two people at work this week, baby steps

@Tiddleypops 🤗how is it going?
H is taking kids out today here 😕bit worried about that.

@mammynowanauntyIRL i have been going out with kids when he is home as he does irregular hours.

He wanted me to disclose information i need to send solicitor before i send it. I said no. He got nasty. He said he will find out anyway which obviously he will but that is not the point.
I refused to tell him so he twisted it and called me unreasonable left me in tears. Kids saw/heard him even though we were in different room. Then kids and i all had a hug. ☹️

@RoseMartha It's horrible that the kids witnessed this, they (our husbands) think just because a child is not standing beside them that they don't hear things. My children and I have often shared a hug in these situations too. Hope you're feeling a bit better today, what will you do while H takes out the kids.

Last night H made up a blatant lie in front of the children and I stormed out of the room in temper, it's first time I've done this in front of the children and I'm so hurt that he got this reaction out of me and that he ended up looking like the reasonable person to the dc. He twisted what I had said and made out that I couldn't remember what I'd said 20 mins earlier.

This morning I'm working and he has dc, usually I would rush home from work to take over but today I'm going to text and say I'll be home in time to take dd to her activity and go to the shops on my own instead.

You definitely should take some time out for yourself @mammynowanauntyIRL Taking the odd hour for myself when I can makes the world of difference to my sanity. And it means he'll have to do more childcare!!

Yes namechanged I just wish it was on a more structured footing like - you have them Sat morn/afternoon/all day and Sun the same, instead of now he just decides I'll take them out for 3 hours on a Sunday afternoon after you've dressed them fed them breakfast and lunch and they'll be back in time for you to do dinner and bed too. Don't get me wrong I love my children and have no problem doing all these things with them, it's just not fair that he doesn't do any and everyone thinking he's this great family man.

I'm going to bring it up at mediation the next time, to see can we get more structure for the interim period while we're both in the same house.

@mammynowanauntyIRL and if your DCs are anything like mine they want you to do it too - because they can rely on you. Mine increasingly don't want to spend time with him. And I also end up doing all the bath/bedtimes/meals. He gets away with doing f all...

@mammynowanauntyIRL not nice i hope you enjoyed the time you spent on yourself.
Dont get me started on all that 'everyone thinks i am a great family man' stuff. When the truth is anything but.
I went out with my mum. But since i got home been doing cleaning , just sat down for ten mins.

I have a miracle to report... He's making dinner EVEN THOUGH I'M HERE.

@namechanged77 have you checked his temperature?

Ended up working longer than expected so other than driving time I had 30 mins in the shops - so I got to 3 shops and bought perfect pair of shoes & presents for two baby boys birthdays 🎈

Myself & dc had a great afternoon at friends birthday & now they're going home while I go to cinema

@namechanged77 wow!

@mammynowanauntyIRL glad you got bit if time to yourself

Mediation will probably not be successful for us I'd imagine but I had to try as it's the least expensive & confrontational way to unravel our lives together. Next appointment booked for three weeks time on his request, two weeks were recommended but he doesn't want to be missing work for it. Usually solicitors aren't needed until after completing mediation to legally drawn up the separation agreement but we were advised to both speak to solicitors before next session.

Mediator asked if there was any plans for who would live where or any options & he said he was renovating (he's not, just started week before mediation) his mothers house and in the process of transferring it to one of his sons. I interjected and said that he couldn't do that while we're separating and his temper flared. She asked whose name the property is in& he mumbled a whole heap of stuff eventually agreeing that it was in his name & had been willed to him. So she advised both of us getting legal advice as to where we stand.

Later we'd to detail rough figures of what house is worth, debt etc & he nearly choked mentioning his mothers house(that he's allowed his daughter & husband to live in rent free for almost ten years)

For next meeting we've to do up expected budget for next 12 months.

All week there's been an awful atmosphere from him in the house and this morning he exploded, told me to have on paper by tonight what I want & to get both houses valued by tonight. He's threatened to blacken my name( more than it is already ) cost me my job and ensure that I can't live in the village we live in, threatened to sell both houses, knocked over a wheelie bin full of timber in an attempt to frighten me & changed plans that were arranged for myself & dd to have some time together as she requested.
I said to him that's it awful that for him spending time with his children is a chore & he came back with some rubbish about cutting the lawns & then pushed past me into house and told children to get dressed they were heading out with him.
So already he's trying to use children against me.
Claimed he's never seen a payslip of mine all the ten years we've been together(it's been over 12! And he signed off on tax returns four years in a row so knows exactly what I earn!)

Thanks for reading my venting if you have 

@mammynowanauntyIRL sending a hug. Sounds awful.

Had horrible unsettled feeling today where he was charming with my family but later on when they had left was started being sly and making me feel on edge and like i wasn't good enough.

Thanks rosemartha how horrible for you, they do that so our families think it's us that's the problem not them.

Oh @mammynowauntyIRL, please look after yourself. These men can be dangerous once they feel vunerable and threatened and he obviously feels defensive now he knows that you have a claim on his property .

Sounds like everyone is having a rough week to be honest. @namechanged77, my immediate thought when you said your H was cooking dinner was 'Why? what's his ulterior motive' - is he trying to prove he is the model husband all of a sudden?!

I have been in bits over the weekend. Saturday was traumatic waving DS off on holiday with that twat. H was really stressed about packing and the journey (despite way too much help from me) so his bahaviour was at its worst. His parting words to me, when I asked if i could help with anything as they were starting to run late, were "for fucks sake, you never let up, do you?" - wow - reprimanded for offering to help. I think under the circumstances, I had been very restrained! Tosser.

I went to Al-anon for the first time on Saturday and cried in front of complete strangers who didn't mind because they just knew. It was cathartic. Yesterday I kept myself busy away from home and went for a long walk. It feels a long week already!

Hugs, , , and everyone. We will get there x

Tiddley glad to hear you're getting some help & I'm sure that cry helped you.
I haven't drunk since 5th jan, just a lifestyle choice & am debating drinking fri night at my friends so that I will cry & get it out of my system!

Hi all. I havent posted for a bit as I have been on a real downer also. Things are at rock bottom, we rarely speak at all. His bitterness towards me is extreme. I have rented a house, have it mostly furnished and sorted out but I am terrified. Terrified of telling him I am going, of what he will do. I dont think he would be violent, emotional abuse has always been more his style. I have reached my limit and I need to leave for my own sanity. He has refused to cooperate so far with anything I have asked for, blames me for everything - I think I have been gaslighted for years. Told me today I am a scrounger as I only get paid term time, that he was a mug for paying the bills while I do nothing. Then he has went on ahead and booked a holiday for himself and the kids for 5 nights, without saying anything to me or consulting me. I feel sick at the thought of him being responsible for the kids on his own, he cant look after himself. Can I stop him ? I hope to have moved put before then and with no access arrangements sorted out surely I will have a say ? Rang solicitor today but they were not available. I have been walking around feeling nauseous for a week now, had a panic attack this morning. I have no words for this situation any more but it is killing me. I am considering telling the kids on my own as he will only blame me in front of them and tell them they can stay with him if they want aa its only mummy who wants to move out. He is using them like pawns already and he does not even believe I am going anywhere ! Sometimes I just feel so desperately alone in all of this.
Sorry for the vent and thank you for listening x My thoughts are with all you ladies who are doing your best getting through xx