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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes

999 replies

Onlymeeeeee · 18/02/2018 19:13

Just as the title really, specifically looking for other people who initiated the process, not because there is anyone else, but because they cannot stay with the stbex.

OP posts:
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7
namechanged77 · 28/07/2018 09:03

Can never work out if they are pretending all is well on purpose, or if they just don't have the emotional intelligence to deal with what's actually happening!!

RoseMartha · 28/07/2018 22:40

@namechanged77 that makes sense

@Tiddleypops because he wants the house, or me to buy him out which i am not in a position to do. Solicitor is telling me to stay put but i have had conflicting advice to move out from other agencies as his behaviour is not acceptable.

Then he tells me one thing then goes back on his word which has also delayed things. Promises the kids things then never follows through.

Then he tells me stuff like he is staying out all night with friends but doesnt go out! 🙄😕 this is now quite a regular occurrence. I dont know what game this is that he is playing here.

I will go and read article you linked to.

mammynowanauntyIRL · 28/07/2018 22:43

@Tiddleypops you've a great memory
We came home today, at no point during our holiday did I regret my decision or wonder about changing my mind. We were holidaying in the city we married in, even that didn't tug at heartstrings.
There were lots of instances of bad behaviour on his part while on holiday too, most laughable was when he made an error in directions to where we wanted to go, I've lived in the city, he hasn't and thought he knew better than me, I suggested alternate route & he pretended to scratch his face to children but in reality was sticking up his middle finger at me! I was Angry at first that he couldn't even last a week without showing his temper and true colours for sake of the children but I'm content to be home knowing we won't be doing that again.

On to next stage on Monday, mediation finally starting. I got this fortune cookie last night, couldn't be more appropriate.
Spent time with friends who gave me some advice based on their experience too. Told me not to be so quiet & fair to think about children's future & education too.

namechanged they're hoping that we just won't be bothered persevering and will forget about it, easier life that way for them.

Tiddleypops he's finally realised you're serious so?

Bettybo enjoy holiday but use the time to bolster yourself to push on too. Mine tried that in early stages too, when I came back from visiting my parents, I told him that they now knew and he said so you're not even giving us a second chance and I had to firmly say I've give you 50 second chances and no you're not getting another one I've already told you this.

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes
mammynowanauntyIRL · 28/07/2018 22:48

Cross posted with you rosemartha h went to a wedding this evening at 6 & appeared home again at 7.30? Headed off again at 10.15, weird! Just when you think you've got peace & house to yourself

Would you be happier in a new place rose?
This is what I want, not to stay in family home, he doesn't realise that yet, I think he thinks I want family home and him out of it and regularly says you're not going to get everything on a plate you know Hmm
I want to be bought out or place sold & profits divided up after debt is cleared.

Fresh start

Tiddleypops · 29/07/2018 06:25

@RoseMartha he sounds like he's doing all this on purpose to mess with your head. What an arse.

@mammynowanauntyIRL I'm going to Al-anon and to the GP when H goes away for a week. When he's back I'll (probably) be serving divorce papers. With regard to that though, I'm going to see whether he's willing to move out first, and if so, I'll wait a little longer until he's gone. He's told me we have lots more to talk about than I realise Hmm

Tiddleypops · 29/07/2018 06:28

@mammynowanauntyIRL mediation! Finally!

RoseMartha · 29/07/2018 08:18

@Tiddleypops doesn't surprise me, probably is that. Not fair that he says goodnight to kids i am going out before his non going out.

@mammynowanauntyIRL if the house was sold 50/50 i wouldn't be able to afford to buy anything except small one bed rundown flat . If it was sold 70/30 and i didnt get percentage of his pension for example we might be able to get a small two bed flat which i would consider doing.
When he actually does go out in evening or in day the atmosphere is so much better and everyone so much happier

Tiddleypops · 29/07/2018 08:26

@RoseMartha I hope you get what you deserve. What does the solicitor think?

Same here, I love it when he is out. Unfortunately it's not often enough!

RoseMartha · 29/07/2018 09:25

@Tiddleypops thank you. She thinks we should live in house tertiary education has ended. Then sold and split .

Yes indeed not often enough 🤗

Looks like we are all going to be in today as weather vile there is no way i can manage that we will have to pop out and leave him home for a bit

mammynowanauntyIRL · 29/07/2018 09:25

@Tiddleypops sounds like you're getting places now, when does he plan you to have this 'talk'?

@RoseMartha that's not fair to dc either, you need to be able to have a home suited to you & dc so split will have to allow for that

Definitely agree it's way better when they're out makes me realise we will be fine on our own too

Tiddleypops · 29/07/2018 10:44

@RoseMartha do you think the going out then not going out was to prevent you from going out? The sooner this is over for you the better.

Yes @mammynowanauntyIRL, I think / thought I had got through to him. We both have a lot on the next couple of weeks, I have a major project at work, he's going away etc, so I've agreed to after those things to talk. Hopefully not more than a couple of weeks though. Trouble is, he's gone from angry back to acting like normal Hmm No idea what goes on between those ears of his.

Wet day means more time stuck at home than I'd like.

mammynowanauntyIRL · 29/07/2018 10:59

Luckily h went out again last night & isn't home yet so peace prevails in our house.

RoseMartha · 29/07/2018 22:11

@mammynowanauntyIRL i know it is all so confusing.
Glad you have some peace today

@Tiddleypops No because i rarely go out as dd has special needs. I did go out last week socially with my sister 7-11 pm which was the first time i had been out alone in the evening for over two years.

Tiddleypops · 30/07/2018 06:56

Then just baffling... However since we all have husbands whose minds work in ways that are unfathomable, then there should be no surprises.

mammynowanauntyIRL · 30/07/2018 07:42

@Tiddleypops and yet we're still shocked because against our experience we still hope for the best or for normality of sorts

mammynowanauntyIRL · 30/07/2018 13:18

Mediation today - already fighting with fire.
He claimed he was in the process of signing over his second property to his son when I interjected that he can't until all this is sorted out. He didn't even consider that was an issue AngryShock

Next appointment not for 3 weeks at his request so have until then to fill out budgeting sheet and meet a solicitor for advice

Tiddleypops · 30/07/2018 13:48

@mammynowanauntyIRL wow, head in sand or do you suspect deliberately trying to get it done as quickly as possible? Angry

3 more weeks, you must be so frustrated x

Marlboroandmalbec34 · 31/07/2018 18:55

Everything has fallen apart here. I wouldn’t let him take kids out on sat as I knew he had been drinking heavily the night before and wasn’t fit. He has now cancelled direct debits for mortgage and nursery and I have had so much abuse via text. His mum messaged to say maybe if I had kept a cleaner house and had his dinner on the table he would not of been violent with me. I hate the lot of them now

Borris · 31/07/2018 20:44

His mother should be ashamed of herself

Tiddleypops · 31/07/2018 20:52

Wow @Marlboroandmalbec34, disgusting behaviour from him AND his mother. Maybe if she had taught him to be a decent effing human being more like Angry

Marlboroandmalbec34 · 31/07/2018 21:04

Well I have given up been nice. None of them are having contact until it’s court ordered and with all the violent, drunken behaviour over the years I am really hoping they don’t get much. I am also going to go for full equity rather than the 40% he has offered. Anyone had a contact order through courts when there has been a history of domestic violence? What can I expect? Had police involved twice but never pressed charges...the sad thing is I thought his mum was my friend and she is the person I have confided in about it over the years

RoseMartha · 03/08/2018 00:35

@Tiddleypops and @mammynowanauntyIRL
And yet i was surprised in a upsetting way again yesterday and had no one to vent to it about. So on verge of tears but keeping it normal for kids but needing solitude which i didn't get. Where he is all out for his best interests and no one else's! When i really should have known better because he has always been the number one priority to himself. Grrrrr!

Tiddleypops · 03/08/2018 05:46

Where he is all out for his best interests and no one else's!

Angry Sounds familiar that one.

Hugs @RoseMartha Sad Hope you got some sleep. Vent away here if you need to x

mammynowanauntyIRL · 03/08/2018 08:48

I think it's because we are good people ourselves and still optimistic that maybe they can be too, even though we know deep down it's not possible.

I've been to mediation this week and on their advice spoken to a solicitor. I thought getting a solicitor was going to be a few months away after a number of sessions of mediation but straight away in first session it came up. H mentioned doing up a property he has and transferring it to one of his children from first marriage and I said that he couldn't do that right now. He went puce with temper and was flabbergasted that I thought I'd got a claim to the property. This is why we were advised to get legal advice straight away.

@Marlboroandmalbec34 is your home at risk with him having cancelled direct debits for the mortgage or can you cover payments yourself? This is a priority to protect your credit rating.

I also went to police but never pressed charges, applied for a safety order twice but didn't follow through because the first time I was naive and thought he'd learned from his mistakes and the second time because they told me unless I could show injuries basically I wouldn't have a chance of getting it, although it's called a domestic abuse act, it's only really physical abuse it protects from in Ireland.

@Rosemartha how can solicitor think that is good for anyone involved. Did you go out yesterday? My bedroom is actually a tip at the moment because I'm out from house as much as possible.

Tiddleypops · 03/08/2018 09:27

@mammynowanauntyIRL, it sounds very sensible to get a solicitor involved straight away. Knowingly or unknowingly, your H is basically removing assets that are half yours. Do you think he really didn't know you had a claim or do you think he knew exactly what he was doing? How did you get on with the solicitor?

My H is taking the kids away for a week tomorrow. I'm so anxious about it Sad
Obviously panic mode set in a couple of days ago when he realised he had no idea what to pack or organise. He begged for help, and to maintain the peace, I have done. This is for the sake of the kids. I was also concerned he'd get petty and spiteful and try to stop me speaking to DS while they're away. But it just made me feel even more resentful, that I'm still picking up the f*ing pieces because he can't do anything for himself Angry