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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes

999 replies

Onlymeeeeee · 18/02/2018 19:13

Just as the title really, specifically looking for other people who initiated the process, not because there is anyone else, but because they cannot stay with the stbex.

OP posts:
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7
mammynowanauntyIRL · 16/07/2018 20:27

Cantfind would you be open to the 2/2/5/5 system of 50/50? I'm thinking it would work for us but not sure what he'll say eg every mon and tues with parent 1, every wed & thurs with parent 2 and weekends alternate. Keeps a routine albeit a different one.

mammynowanauntyIRL · 16/07/2018 20:28

@TheresGotToBeMoreToLife welcome to the most supportive unfortunate thread to be on

CannotFindAUsernme · 16/07/2018 20:39

That does sound like an interesting idea, my only issue is that my dd will probably not respond well to the upset as she likes to be in routine, it is one of the issues with her autism. H does not accept her diagnosis so is not going to accept her reluctance to alter routine so regularly. He does not really bother with her anyway so I dont know that her opinion will make any difference to him. Why does he have to be so pig headed, why does it all have to go his way ? The biggest child of all.

mammynowanauntyIRL · 16/07/2018 20:41

There are other options too, I googled this when someone mentioned it elsewhere. Obviously with him being so reluctant to accept your dd as she is maybe a lot of contact isn't an option

Borris · 16/07/2018 20:55

Just popped on to catch up. We do 2/2/5/5 apart from school hols and it works fairly well. DC copes. We have 2 of everything so not much transfer of equipment.

Things are stagnant here for now. I need to ask STBXH whether he will admit to infidelity otherwise I'll be divorcing him for unreasonable behaviour. My wise sol suggested giving him the 'choice' so he feels like he has some control over it. A bit like giving a toddler a choice when you don't mind which option they take GrinWell actually I'd prefer adultery as it seems more straightforward but I can't do that if he won't admit it. Apparently kissing in public and holidays together don't count as adultery Hmm. Neither would leaving me for a man Confused. Although that would be a surprise Grin

mammynowanauntyIRL · 17/07/2018 07:03

Borris glad to hear of someone who uses this access in real life

I've not suggested it to H I'm waiting for mediation and will see what he suggests first

Tiddleypops · 18/07/2018 08:18

@Borris loving the treat him like a toddler tactic Grin No more than he deserves!

My overgrown toddler has a match and an eharmony profile it seems! Yet he's ignoring the email I sent him saying I'm not willing to continue with this stalemate once he's back from his week away.... In fact he is very chirpy indeed, maybe he's met someone HmmSmile

Marlboroandmalbec34 · 23/07/2018 15:48

Hello...can I join? I left 3 weeks ago. He got drunk and aggressive though not violent as such. It happened before and I gave him a last chance..this was it. He wouldn’t leave so I had to move to my mums 30 miles away with my baby and toddler. H is saying I made it up, planned it as a way to leave. I didn’t but I am so confused as he is twisting and turning things. I have just arranged to view a new nursery in new town later this week so I can work BUT it feels so final..I am also so worried about my toddler who has become super clingy with me but then the same with his dad at contact..I feel like I am ruining my babies lives as we are going to be poor and we had so many good times as a family but it’s happened twice since kids and many time pre dc. I don’t want that for the rest of my life. Feeling very sad today

Borris · 23/07/2018 16:32

Hugs marlboro. It is hard as there are good times. But when the bad times are bad they are so damaging for children to witness. It might be worth writing down some of the things that happened as it’s easy to look back and down play the bad and remember the good. Your children are going to be a lot more settled in the long run. FWIW I left once when dd was 3 and was persuaded back. If has been a whole lot more traumatic for her leaving at 7 and I wish I’d stayed gone 4 years ago

Marlboroandmalbec34 · 23/07/2018 21:15

Thank you Borris. I did leave when toddler was 4 months but got was persuaded back. I know it’s the right thing just having a sad day. I think I will write everything down. I know I downplay but if I chronicled it I think it would be scary x

BettyBo33 · 23/07/2018 22:15

Hi, can I join you? Finally told H it’s over and asked him to move out. That was Friday. I think he’s in denial despite saying he’d sort something out re moving out. He’s being extra great about everything. He won’t communicate so doesn’t talk about it. I think he’s hoping I will change my mind. I know I have to talk to him again, probably tomorrow, to reinforce it. Kids don’t know yet. I’ve tried for 3 years to save our marriage and I’ve finally decided I need to move on and let go.

Marlboroandmalbec34 · 23/07/2018 22:23

Hi Betty Flowers or Wine I don’t know about you but I feel better knowing people are here xxx

mammynowanauntyIRL · 24/07/2018 08:37

Hi @BettyBo33 & @Marlboroandmalbec34

Currently on holiday with H and dc who are still unaware, I'm finding days in each other's company with no escape very long Sad few problems happened and he lost his temper about them & made them into bigger problems than they had to be, normal behaviour for him, I'm not regretting my decision at all anyhow.
Spending more as there's little communication about what we can afford

Marlboroandmalbec34 · 24/07/2018 09:48

Bloody hell its just so awful isn’t it?
Just left my little boy sobbing at nursery after a 30 mile drive...feels like if I just go home everyone will be happier except for me

namechanged77 · 24/07/2018 11:52

Hello Marlboroandmalbec34 - that's exactly it isn't it - the million dollar issue. If things stay the same, he's happy, the DCs are happier (aren't they??) and it's just me who isn't. So - carry on half existing - or blow everything up in the air and see where the pieces land...?

Borris · 24/07/2018 12:09

I don’t think the dc are happier long term though and they’re certainly not learning healthy relationship boundaries to take into adulthood

mammynowanauntyIRL · 24/07/2018 18:21

I definitely don't think living together for sake of the dc is for the best and three friends whose parents did just this have confirmed this to me since I told them my news

Marlboroandmalbec34 · 24/07/2018 23:44

Yep I grew up in a unhappy home with a Dad who had an alcohol / aggression issue it didn’t do me any favours...in fact it seems I have married a man the same. I don’t want that for my dd and don’t want my ds to think that’s the way to treat your partner

RoseMartha · 24/07/2018 23:49

Hi to newbies to the thread. I have no news things not moved at all. Dreading stbex being on his annual leave. This living together while divorcing is pretty rubbish . He thinks kids and i should move out to extended family. 🙄

MissedTheBoatAgain · 25/07/2018 06:58

To All

Even if one partner does not want a divorce, very unlikely that Courts will refuse the Divorce Petition. If someone has filed for divorce they are obviously unhappy. So why would the courts force someone to stay in a relationship?

My ex (wife) was against the divorce and hid the marriage certificate hoping that it would block my application. It certainly delayed things, but the outcome was the same. Courts issued the Decree Nisi.

Ex then decided to become the applicant for the Financial Settlement and dragged things out for almost 2 years. Pointless as I was the only earning and one with assets all it did was to reduce the amount that Courts share out at the end.

Ex now has to work to pay her mortgage. Had she not involved the Courts she could have bought a house outright.

BettyBo33 · 27/07/2018 18:38

Eurgh. It’s unravelling as I thought it might. Went to speak to H 2 nights ago to ask him when he thought he might leave/if he had a plan. It ended with us talking all night: me maintaining this is what I want and him trying (manipulating?) me to stay but without actually saying it..he said he would go but threw up reasons I’m sure others have heard here before..ahhhhhhhh. He’s acting like we’re giving it a go despite me saying let me go let’s move forward. I’m seeing family next week so taking a break will be wonderful and I guess when I come back I will need to say it all again. He makes me doubt, slightly, if this is what I really want. Confused

Tiddleypops · 27/07/2018 21:34

@BettyBo33 that is exactly how my STBXH has been for months. I think I finally convinced him this week that I'm serious. So now the anger is kicking in and he's going to start getting nasty.

RoseMartha · 27/07/2018 23:06

Sending you both a hug. The hanging in limbo seems to go on forever. Mine has been stalling on an agreed thing so nothing has happened for weeks

Tiddleypops · 28/07/2018 07:32

@RoseMartha thank you, hugs for you too.
The limbo and hanging on forever does just drag on doesn't it? I'm optimistic about the future, but it feels so long away!

Why does he think you and the kids should move out?!!! Why can't he use his annual leave to sort himself out and get out of the way, instead of lurking around the house making you feel even worse?! What is it about these men that makes them feel so bloody entitled? I read 'An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands' this week, it explains a lot of this stuff! mustbethistalltoride.com/an-open-letter-to-shitty-husbands/

Tiddleypops · 28/07/2018 07:37

@mammynowanauntyIRL are you back from holiday this weekend? It sounds pretty tough going Flowers