Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes

[Onlymeeeeee]

Just as the title really, specifically looking for other people who initiated the process, not because there is anyone else, but because they cannot stay with the stbex.

@tiddleypops good for you for sending that email, you need something to change this limbo isn’t good for anyone of you.

Would H have holidayed alone prior to this? Has ds any inkling? Mine are 8 & 4 and genuinely haven’t got an notion what’s going on.

Heard nothing from mediation so it’s unlikely to be this coming week either and we’re on holiday then the following week. Maybe it happened for a reason? Just to get holiday out of way without aggro before shit hits the fan?

I went to view a house yesterday and could honestly see myself living there, so I feel that’s progress even though I still don’t know what we’re going to do about our own house.

He wanted me to go on holiday with them Can't think of anything more awful right now. Proves the level of denial he's in. I've agreed he can take DS despite being a bit anxious about it. No point in creating a battle over it.

DS no inkling at all, however H has 2 older children (DSD stays once a fortnight). She will think it's odd I'm not going on holiday with them. I wonder whether he'll tell her then. His oldest isn't going.

Good for you on the house viewing @mammynowanauntyIRL! That must feel good and you can use it to keep you going. I hope you hear from mediation soon. How is your H behaving?

Hi Tiddleypops my kids are 14, 12, 10 and 8. The 14 and 10 year old both have autism, and this has spurred me on more than the neglect of our marriage, the gaslighting and the controlling that has been the pattern of our marriage. He has no time for them, will not accept their diagnosis, believes they can be "cured" by shoving them into situations that stress them out. He does not support me or any of the kids, and this has tipped the barrel. I think to myself what is the point of him being there ? He actually has no purpose aside from bringing in money which I am constantly reminded of. My job is menial and only pays a fraction of his but he now wants me to pay half the bills as why should he pay for everything for the kids ? Sorry for the rant, I am so wound up most of the time, not sleeping and generally not functioning ! It is very nice to meet you all !

I hate bedtime Tiddleypops, we have to share a bed, no spare room so more often than not I am on the sofa

Tiddley he's behaving spectacularly well now actually, I'm apprehensive about our holiday a week today because I haven't spent time in his company for so long now and the pretence for dc too.
One of our dogs had to be put to sleep during the week so we were United for that. I cried for her but didn't for my marriage ending, says a lot doesn't it?
H is on nights so at least evenings and nights are peaceful.
Will ds enjoy holiday or will he fret about you not being there?

@CannotFindAUsernme that's horrid that ye have no spare room so must share a bed, hope sofa is supportive. With 4 children especially two with autism you need your rest. How dare he be so degrading about your job!

I know but like all else, nothing we do is ever as important as what they do. I Have to say I will not miss the competition that he has always had going between us about whose life is harder, more stressful etc... How do you tag names in these posts so that they come out in bold type ?

If you put an asterisk before and after the word it emboldens it. Or @ symbol brings up the usernames on app but that tags people so they get an email

I long for bedtime too but I also long for a bed as I sleep on the floor having moved out the bedroom as he refused to do so. But being he is unreasonable I suppose I would have been expecting too much if I thought he would move out the bedroom.

@CannotFindAUsernme he sounds terrible, the kids will be better in a calm space, being who they want to be, with you. Do you know when you will be moving out?

@mammy I think DS will miss me a lot (and I him, we have not had more than the odd night apart). H is not attentive, he dicks around on his phone ALL the time, he drinks and never ever gets up early. So these are the things I'll worry about. Hopefully I'll speak to DS most days and be able to reassure him. I'm sure they'll have some fun days out etc too. It will be hard work for H - he has no idea what to pack or how to prepare. I usually do it all. That bit I am looking forward to witnessing

@rosemartha I am on the sofa, watching endless catchups of Love Island and reading, sleeping for a couple of hours. Need to be careful though as my youngest DS came down this morning and asked me why I am always up so early. I am not ready to tell them yet so I may brave the bed for a few nights.

@tiddleypops, not sure yet. There are a few things I need to fix up in the house, make it as comfortable as possible for the kids and then I will tell him and go. I am not giving him any notice for him to make my life even worse before I leave. It will be may be 3ish weeks but you know what I know its there so I can keep smiling whatever he throws at me !!

Thank you for that *mammynowanauntyIRL !!

I meant @mammynowanauntyIRL !!

@CannotFindAUsernme sending a hug.

Thank you Rosemartha, I sure could do with one at the minute. I am so overwhelmed with everything x

Good luck @CannotFindAUsernme. It sounds as though you will be in a good place soon. The kids too, I'm sure will be glad.

Thank you for the support @tiddleypops. Its appreciated. Solicitor next for me !

Can I ask are you all still cooking/cleaning etc for ypur STBEX ? I am and its making me cross that I am atill looking after him and getting norhing in return.

Yep! Still cooking all the meals, doing all the shopping, washing, cleaning, house admin, DIY, and paying most of the f-ing bills despite the fact that he earns way more than me Boils my piss. All I've managed to wriggle out of is tidying up after him and I don't consult him on what to have for dinner etc, I just cook what I want.

If we didn't have DS then I could stop doing a lot more stuff, but I can hardly banish twatface from the table with no explanation. Difficult to maintain the peace though with kids in the house isn't it?

I feel I've found my soul sisters ladies. I am part way through divorce with my STBEXH. He has treated me horribly and I want him out but he is refusing.

I'm 32, he's 39 and we have two sons, 5yr and 11 months. We have been together 8 years but married 2.5 years. In Jan 2018 he confessed that just before our wedding he had slept with someone. Not only that but she was now claiming she had had a child with him. To say my world crashed down was an understatement. I was on maternity leave with a 5 month old and worried how I would cope. I was also deeply embarrassed and ashamed about what he had done to me, hated people pitying me and found it difficult to talk about.

He does not want to get divorced at all. I started the process in March, he ignored the papers, I had them re-served to him in April, again he refused to acknowledge them. I have now applied for the Decree Nisi and am awaiting that but its the arranging of financial matters which is the part that terrifies me.

I paid the deposit on our house, and I have our two young sons to support but all he thinks of is himself and has never mentioned their best interests in all of this. He wants 50/50. I can't afford to pay him off but really have no intentions of leaving the family home.

He lives in a spare room like an unwanted squatter. I can't bare to look at him. The way he speaks, eats, breathes, coughs - it all just goes through me! Our conversations are minimal and he tends to talk to me 'through' the children which is just vile. I literally hate the man and have no interest in him being in my life anymore. Sadly I feel gutted that he is the person I chose to be my children's father. He does no deserve them and treats them poorly. As a father he is average at best.

He is paranoid, convinced I have met someone (pah!), plays the victim at every opportunity, threatens me, sways between telling me we can try again (oh gee thanks!) and being aggressive and shouty over getting what he 'deserves' from me. Our living situation is just beyond anything I can stand anymore, but I am exceptionally stubborn so will dig my heels in as long as can.

Although I wish NONE of us were in this situation, I have felt completely alone until reading this thread and it has certainly given me some comfort to realise I'm not alone.

@tiddleypops, actually impossible. Unfortunately my kids have had to listen to a fair few rows and are now very aware of the tensions in the house. I never wanted this for my kids but it is what it is for now. He is pressuring me now about contact arrangements as he knows I am going sometime and I don't know what to do about that. How do you organise these things ? I dont understand the processes involved. Anyone else organised contact already ? And maintenance ?

@CannotFindAUsernme it sounds as though it would be really worthwhile for you to go and have a free 30 minute consultation with a solicitor (most of them do the free thing I think). This could just help you with this questions and help you make a plan.
With regard to maintenance, there's an online CMS calculator which should help figure out how much he should pay.

@TheresGotToBeMoreToLife oh gosh, that sounds horrific. Welcome to the club
They are just so bloody selfish these men, aren't they?!

Good luck and rant away here whenever you want!

I had an initial consultation and I know what can be done, but for contact for example I want it laid down in stone so he cant mess around. I have made an appt with CAB and hopefully they can tell me all. It feels like a real minefield at the mo. He wants 50/50 contact but I am not sure that would be best. I dont want routines disrupted during the week and while they are settling I dont want them going back to the family home, I feel it would be too stressful. He does not understand that and is only thinking of himself as even thoughhe has time he has not bothered putting the house on the market. I will see how appt goes.