Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes

[Onlymeeeeee]

Just as the title really, specifically looking for other people who initiated the process, not because there is anyone else, but because they cannot stay with the stbex.

mammy it’s like they do it on purpose to annoy us. (They probably do actually!!!)

probably borris

Hi everyone, we've been away so not been on here as much.

@Borris that does sounds unreasonably soon. I think that's how they do behave as soon as they've got another woman though, they behave badly in marriage and out of it. Could you write him an email (so it's on record) saying that this is inappropriate for your daughter's well being given the stage of the break up?

Mine did not react well to us being away over half term and has been a sulky arse ever since. We have our final financial court hearing next month so I guess I learn our fate (family home gone or not) then and can start moving forward.

unravelling had ye a nice time away
What is your hope for the family home?

@Borris If you break up with them, and they start seeing someone else I’m not sure you can complain too much. And it’s their call when they introduce them to your dcs as much as yours. My ex started seeing someone three months after we split up, and we are still living together ...

larry I’m not fussed about him seeing her (other than that I suspect it started before we actually broke up). In fact she’s a blessing as last time he hounded me relentlessly to get back together. So this time I’ve had no pressure from him. I’m hurt annoyed at how quickly he’s exposing dd to this - kissing in front of her, bed sharing etc

@Borris my friend said to me the best thing for me in this situation would be for H to start seeing someone else as it would make things so much easier for me

Hi all - been offline for a while but feck all has changed. He's still in denial, thinks I am still going through some sort of mid life crisis and that I will soon get over it 🙄 dick!

We don't communicate about anything really unless it's about kids, don't share a bed due to 5yo insisting on sleeping in with me which I am happy to do so (I know I am so bold not discouraging him to sleep in his own room but feck it).
Anyway I just feel like it's all at a standstill and was really hoping he would take hint and move out as I am unbelievably crap at trying to articulate my feelings to him as he's so hard to talk to as he plays the victim and can't see the error in his ways when I try to explain to him. He's not a bad person, great dad just shite husband who I have lost any love that was once there if any (starting to doubt there actually was). He's wore me down over the years and chipped away at me to the point now where I just can't deal with feeling so shitty about myself anymore due to snide comments and remarks he makes about me, my appearance and demeanor.
I proposed a 'separation' whilst living together as I told him I felt trapped a couple of months ago which has made me feel so much better mentally and emotionally as I was able to cut off any type of feeling towards him if that makes sense? I just don't want to make this decision lightly as there will be no going back. But I know in my heart I am so over it and want out!!! But my guilt keeps me here!!! My guilt for him and how his life would be afterwards. He does suffer mental illness which I don't take lightly but I just want it to be his decision to leave but doubt that's going to happen!

He asked tonight did I still feel trapped and want to be single and I said yes and his response was 'well we all want things we can't have, like winning the lotto or having a nicer car but we just can't have things we want when more than just you (as in me) to think about.'
He would happily stay in this dead relationship for kids sake.
I know it's going to break his heart, not from us not being together - but for kids, and not being a part of there everyday lives which also scares me too as I am not sure what I would do with myself when he has them 🙈 But I know deep down I can't put his happiness before mine but the fear of actually going thru with it kills me 😫😫😫 there is no way to get out of this without actually hurting someone. Not to mention the money side of things with mortgage and splitting everything and having to uproot kids as inevitable we will have to sell house to split the diff - it's all so messy and upsetting!!
I wish he would actually have an affair so I had a proper reason for splitting but that ain't never gonna happen as he has no life outside of us.
Anyways that's my moan for today - same shit, different day really!!! 😬😬😬

@soboredwithitCath it sounds horrible. I feel trapped in a similar situation. H has issues (depression and alcoholism) but your H is wrong when he says you can't split up because "we all want things we can't have". This is BS, as much as it would undoubtedly make life a million times easier, you do not need his approval to end this relationship. It took me a while to realise that I'll never get my H's approval. He'll never say "yes, yes you're right, I'm a shit husband and you're right to want to split up". It's so hard though.
I'm at the same point, living fairly separately and uncomfortable in the same house (with building resentment on my side), while I find the courage to ask him to leave. to you. We'll get there x

It's mentally and emotionally draining. I dream of freedom. Every now and then I get a taster. Yesterday H was at work. I had a lovely day with DS. H was 2 hours late home (pub? I don't care). I was so relaxed. I parent so much better when he's not there

Thanks @Tiddleypops right back atcha
Oh my gosh your so right why is it we parent better when they aren't around? I have more patience for kids and use different approach with them when it comes to getting them to do what they suppose to do. But when H is around I am not as calm or patient with them it's awful really when I think of it as I shouldn't take my frustration on H out on kids but it does happen! Grrrrr
I am much more productive around the house as well when he's not around. I have already looked around House several times thinking what I would change immediately due to him 'liking' it that way! That is of course, if i get to stay! Oh it's the not knowing what's going to happen or where we all going to end up!! I have two separate friends where they both recently left H and both said there only regret was not doing it sooner!!!
My fear is how he will react when it actually comes to it as I am not sure whats worst? him playing the victim and leaving eventually and me having to deal with guilt of it all or losing his temper and claiming he owns everything - either way I dread it and keep putting it off 🙈🙈🙈

Have you seen a solicitor at all to give you an idea of how it will all go in terms of assets?
I don't know if this is useful or not, but I've written a list of reasons why we are splitting up, very factual bullet points. E.g.
He does/doesn't do this thing.
He did such and such.
He said/says this thing which is unacceptable/abusive.
Etc.
Then I wrote how I feel and why, tying it in with the facts I'd listed. Seeing it in black and white has helped me focus so (hopefully!) I can deal better with whatever he throws at me, be it playing the victim (he's already told me I'm betraying my marriage vows, but a quick look at my list reminds me that he has not honoured his marriage vows for years), or anger etc. It's definitely confirmed I'm 100% right, so he'll not sway me or persuade me into agreeing to try again or take responsibility for his actions.

I'm trying to armour myself with a few one liners too, so that if he tries to provoke me into an argument with accusations or whys and wherefores, I can hopefully respond without allowing myself to get overly emotional. I'm probably spending too much time on this than acting on things, maybe I'm just stalling?!!

@Tiddleypops
I like the idea of writing stuff down so will give that a go! It will give a bit of clarity to it all.
Yes I definitely need to look at this In more depth and like you say armor yourself with the necessary responses to avoid further rows and getting emotional.
Haven't considered the legal route yet, probably a tad naive on my part as hoping we won't have to but suppose it's something I need to bare in mind. I just hate this limbo stage!!!!

I had a free 30 mins consultation with a solicitor. It just made me feel a bit more clued up, so might be worth it for you too. Ideally H will move out at which point I'll probably go back to start divorce proceedings. (Or if he refuses to move out, then obviously I'll have to). It makes no financial sense for him to fight me for the house. We don't have significant equity in it and it's all in my name. But I guess it might be more complicated for you. I'd imagine if DCs are going to be living with you, you'd be best off staying in the marital home, I'm sure a solicitor could give you some clarity. Good luck!

Writing things down was the beginning of enlightenment for me though it took too fecking long for me to act sadly. But I did it in the end and am out.

@mammynowanauntyIRL sorry slow response! Just don't know about family home. I'll find out soon and whatever the result I just need a home for us instead of this flat which is nice but too small.

Ds been playing up, ex is fucking with his poor head. Screamed at us all today. Having got away from it somewhat it was a massive shock and made me realise what I've been accepting and burying all these years.

I was no longer happy with our toxic relationship, so we decided to end it up. I would like to thank The Law Offices of Kathleen Shaul for the assistance

Erm ok Denise

Hi ladies - just checking in as haven't been on here for a while. I've now got our Decree Nisi through - don't feel much further forward though as still under the same roof. STBxH is really starting to be a twit though (that's mild!) Just trudging through the day to day, don't think I will get the chance to breathe until I have my own front door keys now....
.... surely this limbo can't last forever??!!

Hi iamthrough the decree Nisi is a step nearer. What’s next. Have you a plan about how to get the houses sorted?

Hey @borris we will have to sell our house. I am lucky I that we have equity in the property so I will have something to use as a deposit on a house and work so I can get a mortgage. More fortunate than many I know. Heartbreaking though as I love our little house but neither of us can afford to buy the other out. Hopefully we will get a buyer soon. Have started viewing properties and trying to get excited for the future. Doesn't help that STBXH is being a tw*t in the meantime....

Really looking forward to Father's Day
Time to grit teeth and get through it. Really angered me having to spend money on a financially abusive tosser, but it's not the DCs fault.

Same here. Had to bite my tongue as dd carefully chose a “worlds best dad” card

H has requested that I pay for us (including his kids from previous relationship) all to go out for lunch tomorrow. We went to his fucking mother's house for a ham sandwich on mother's day.

I said no. Mild response really compared to what I could have said??!!

Tiddley what planet is he on?

Dd spent €15.99 on my money on aftershave set and card for H, ds spent €1.50 of joint money on biscuits from dealz for H, he's only 4

H is taking them out during day tomorrow, he was away all day today.

Brill @mammy! You get the day off!