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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes

999 replies

Onlymeeeeee · 18/02/2018 19:13

Just as the title really, specifically looking for other people who initiated the process, not because there is anyone else, but because they cannot stay with the stbex.

OP posts:
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namechanged77 · 22/05/2018 13:16

Yes, would love to be a fly on the wall @mammynowanauntyIRL!!!

He's on his own planet - where he is the victim and completely blameless - and realistically that's unlikely to be changed in one hour. But at least I know the counsellor is wise to him.

And you are so right with the room thing. He just doesn't get it.

mammynowanauntyIRL · 22/05/2018 14:21

Yep exact same as that.

My dsis's bf of 4.5 years broke up with her last night, so we're both single now, except she didn't want to be! And hers will happen more immediately as they've not got the ties of dc and property and marriage.

Tiddleypops · 22/05/2018 22:27

Oh dear sounds like it's a full moon or something, they are all at it Hmm

@Boris, wtf!! Shock You are still paying the mortgage?! And he expects you to hand over the keys?! Total arse, what gives him the right to even ask!

@namechanged77 wow he is really being pathetic! I completely understand that you had a hope he might suddenly see the light. And the sadness I guess is understandable - even though he's being a dick, and confirming you are right, it's still a marriage you are losing.

I'm definitely not feeling sad at the moment, mostly I'm in a rage. These men seem to like to prove us right all the time, don't they? Mine is just generally being a tosser and also trying to look for all the reasons that aren't him being a shit husband, so he can play the victim. I could do with time to prep my defences for the next step, because I already know I'm going to get the whole "you're betraying your marriage vows" bullshit (no mate, you did that over several years). But time and space is thin on the ground with DS and work juggles Sad

UnRavellingFast · 22/05/2018 22:59

boris I'm still paying the mortgage too! Grrrr.

Mine is all full of me breaking up the family etc. Can't understand that if you treat someone like shit for years eventually they'll walk. But I will change! They wail Angry

namechanged77 · 23/05/2018 09:16

But they never do change do they? The question is at what point we stop hoping... I was trying to think what mine would admit to being wrong about/say sorry for. And I can't think of anything. It's always turned back to me. As ending the relationship would be.

I don't know what his plan is. Can see him just wandering back into our bedroom one night and behaving as if he's never been anywhere else. Needless to say I would send him out again.

We are due to visit his sister next week. Really don't want to play happy families but the DCs want me to go.

UnRavellingFast · 23/05/2018 19:28

It's difficult playing happy families name I remember it well Sadyour time will come. We never get them to admit they're wrong.

mammynowanauntyIRL · 27/05/2018 05:16

Overhead H telling a friend of a friend we were no longer together tonight, the person then came over sympathising with me so he definitely told her. Finally it's sunk in with him. Pity is though that the people we are close to weren't told first but at least he's taking it seriously now. She was same age as my daughter when her parents split up

Borris · 29/05/2018 20:19

Maybe tell the people you want to know mammy Especially if he’s clearly started. DD told loads of people at an event we were at. She was so excited about her new bedroom so that’s how a lot of our friends going out Blush Better our than in though!!!

Borris · 29/05/2018 20:19
  • friends found out
mammynowanauntyIRL · 29/05/2018 21:14

Borris I'm delighted that I'm free to tell people I'm close to now.

mammynowanauntyIRL · 29/05/2018 21:15

Poor you that must've been a shocker

Borris · 29/05/2018 22:58

Well it was a bit of a shock but actually made it easier as I found telling people hard at first but then everyone just knew!!!

I probably should have tipped some people off but credit to them, they managed to compose their faces and react brilliantly to dd. The thing was, I strongly felt that dd should know first, rather than lots of others .. but then we went out and I didn’t have time to tell people first

Tiddleypops · 30/05/2018 08:27

@mammynowanauntyIRL how is everything else going? It's good if you can now tell people Smile
@Borris Oh no, what a shocker, at least your DD was excited! All these things to deal with on top of everything else.

We are not far along enough to tell DS but I wish I could. He often talks about us going on holiday together and things ConfusedSad

Had a lovely weekend away, freedom for a whole 48 hours. Back to reality this weekend for a family event. I'm hoping it will be the last, but I've been thinking/hoping that for months! Time for me to take some more action over the next couple of weeks.

Borris · 30/05/2018 13:45

I knew our holiday at Christmas was our last. It helped me get through it tbh as it was awful!

LadyFlangeWidget · 30/05/2018 13:55

Courage to all of you! You have one life. Live it well.!

Im in the process........ and in another country with no support. Its between a rock and a hard place. 2nd solicitor visit tomorrow. ...

mammynowanauntyIRL · 30/05/2018 19:47

Everything's grand atm @Tiddleypops he seems to have accepted its over or else he's playing me, we'll find out in mediation I suppose Hmm

Our dc don't know yet & I don't propose telling them until we are moving out.
We've a family holiday in July, who knows if it'll be before or after that.

Vanillarose · 30/05/2018 20:20

Need to share my pain. I sent my divorce petition off 6 weeks ago with my marriage certificate and change of name deed. I waited for the post everyday and nothing came so I finally called the regional divorce centre. Verdict - lost in the post!! Nothing on file and I've had to start all over again. I told the poor lady on the phone that I needed to hang up quickly because I was about to cry. Totally my own fault for not sending it tracked. Won't make that mistake twice. So we carry on living in the same house with no progress once more. I really could scream!!!!!!!

mammynowanauntyIRL · 31/05/2018 07:35

@vanillarose omg what a nightmare, is it difficult to get copies of marriage cert and change of name deed?

Tiddleypops · 31/05/2018 13:46

@Vanillarose OMG, no, horrendous, so sorry to hear this. And really? Lost in the post? Do things really ever get lost in the post - they always seem to have ended up lost at the destination somewhere in my experience Sad Hope you manage to get everything sorted soon Flowers

Tiddleypops · 31/05/2018 13:48

Does everyone else get peaks and troughs of feeling ok and feeling generally exhausted and rubbish? It's all so emotionally draining. I feel so shit today and I'm not sure why I feel more shit than yesterday.

Vanillarose · 31/05/2018 13:58

@mammynowanauntyIRL @Tiddleypops Well I ordered another marriage certificate online as a priority and that's arrived but it was £23.50 that I'd rather not have spent. I had spare copies of the change of name. But there was a bit of good news, between the time I originally sent off the petition and now, the government have launched the online divorce so hopefully I should be able to speed it up a bit that way and regain some lost time.

mammynowanauntyIRL · 31/05/2018 14:17

Well that's a help at least vanillarose
I still haven't heard from mediation service - 12 weeks on list now, it's an 8 week waiting list Confused

tiddleypops I think when I get most exhausted and feeling rubbish is when I look back on the length of time since I told him and the lack of progress

Tiddleypops · 31/05/2018 14:33

Yes, I think you are right.
It's partly the thought of getting through this weekend that's draining me. But more than that, I've been trying to get my brain in the right place to move things on and I just don't seem to be getting anywhere.

I can't believe you are still waiting, that's just rubbish Sad

mammynowanauntyIRL · 31/05/2018 15:59

tiddleypops it's a bank holiday weekend here this weekend so it'll make it even longer.

I've come to terms with the waiting list, it'll happen when it happens, his acceptance of the situation was way more important and the fact that it's come before starting mediation should mean that he'll be in a better place for it starting, fingers crossed.

Are you faltering?

Tiddleypops · 01/06/2018 10:43

Yes it's good if he's accepting things are over @mammynowanauntyIRL Smile Hopefully mediation will happen soon. You're sounding positive and patient which is about the best you can be right now!

I'm just fed up with this limbo. Perhaps if my H were not in denial and accepting things are over then it would be better. As it stands, he's still sitting pretty and presumably hoping all this will go away. We're not really spending any time together other than in the house and family events and there is no physical contact. I think he'd live like this forever given the chance Hmm (he's sitting pretty at my financial, physical and emotional expense though so why the hell wouldn't he want to retain that!)

My difficulty is pushing things to the next step. I have to ask him/tell him to move out and I'm just not feeling brave Sad