Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes

[Onlymeeeeee]

Just as the title really, specifically looking for other people who initiated the process, not because there is anyone else, but because they cannot stay with the stbex.

Just caught up reading some messages and 🤗for everyone. It sounds like I could have written the replies myself in many cases.
Been lurking and reading a bit because I don't feel like posting . Nothing has moved forward really. Feel bit depressed about it today.
He is refusing to move out wants me and kids to move out instead but I have been advised to stay unless physically in danger.
His behaviour is so erratic in the space of an hour can go from amicable , to the complete opposite with silent treatment , then explode and be verbally aggressive over slightest thing . Like others have said I am staying quiet as much as possible in order not to engage and react. He has had several tantrums last couple of weeks it's like having an extra kid. ( having said that it's been like having an extra kid for years, but has got worse).

Sounds very difficult living with someone so unpredictable @RoseMartha. Being quiet and ignoring is about all you can do. Today is another day, I hope it's a better day Carry on lurking, we're all still here.

So, one night last week, while I was putting DS to bed, H text me to say he was "just popping out for an hour". I've no idea where he went. He was out until around 11 so I assumed he'd popped to the pub to see his mate or something.

Then last night, I went to sleep around 9:30 (he was in the house at that time). I got up to go to the loo at around midnight and his car was not on the driveway. I heard him come back around 1am. This time no message or anything. He most probably thinks I don't even know he went out.

I have absolutely no interest in where he's been going. (My only concern would be whether he is drink driving which he has done on occasion). With a bit of luck it's another woman (although if so, I should probably warn her he is an alcoholic leech!)

The irony is, that he obviously thinks that I am up to something!!!
Over the last fortnight he has been asking some very odd questions about what I am doing, where I am going etc - clearly his imagination is running wild. E.g. asked where I'd been one morning while I was stood next to 3 bags of compost and had a pack of geraniums in my hand - where did he think?! "Erm well, I sent DS to the garden centre on his own to pick these up for me, so I could have a quick rendezvous with another man" .
He questioned an arrangement I had with MiL to have DS because it didn't involve me picking up DS within 3 seconds of finishing work. There have been a few other completely innocent random things he's question me on.

The funniest one was Tuesday when it was really hot. I said something to DS about feeling all hot and sticky so I was going to have a shower. That Dickhead jumps down my throat with "Why? I thought you had air con in your office?"
I mean, it's obviously highly suspicious that I could have been at all hot having tele-ported from home to office and back again

It's all rather bonkers to think I would even consider another relationship - he's put me off for a LONG time.

Judging me by his own standards perhaps?!

I hope being on here is helping everyone else as much as it helps me. You've all really helped me get through the last few days... So I thought I'd share something positive for a change...

I had a great session with my counsellor last night. She was really supportive and understands how things are with DH - she's seen him in action.

We talked about all my options - including how I might leave the relationship if that's what I decide. And I feel so much better now.

I didn't talk to him when I went home though - I just went to bed, and he slept in the spare room again. So I was kind of playing the same game as him - but I just couldn't face talking to him.

Namechanged that session sounds good. It’s liberating to have options and choice.

And yes talking on here is so helpful to me to. It’s reassuring to know it’s not just me going through stuff. Somehow the anonymous aspect helps too. Some stuff you couldn’t admit to in rl you can share here

My H is trying to scare me, and it's failing miserably!

First there was a prowler , then he'd a deposit witheld and now apparently we've got rats living with the hens if we have got security issues, why does he sometimes leave the back door unlocked after he goes to work at 4.30am and I don't be downstairs until 6am and if we've got rats why did he think it was a good idea to leave out the hen food last night, and leave a note telling me he was doing it

me thinks the lady doth protest too much

namechanged that sounds very positive, glad you got something out of your counselling session.

tiddleypops is your H projecting?

It's all rather bonkers to think I would even consider another relationship - he's put me off for a LONG time this is exactly how I feel too H of course thought the only reason I would no longer want to be married to him is because I'd met someone else furthest thought from my mind!

Their mind games are so inept!!

When mine disappeared for hours on end the other night I just didn't care - well not for me. I was peed off he left me to come up with an explanation for the DCs.

I was surprised the counselling session was so good. When there's EA, you're told not to go to couple's counselling. But because she'd seen him in action she really validated what I felt.

We haven't spoken since Monday. I don't mind that, or how he decamped to the spare room. But we've had to exchange practical texts today and I think he might pretend everything is normal when I get home. Gearing myself up...

We've been in that position for months now namechanged

@mammynowanauntyIRL
H of course thought the only reason I would no longer want to be married to him is because I'd met someone else furthest thought from my mind!

Yy to that exactly! Haha

Another really positive part of having left him is how healthy I feel. It's like before because of the seemingly impossible difficulty of being with him and how I had to hide the 'shame' of my real private life, I didn't bother trying to sort any other aspect as everything felt too big iyswim.

Up late because I was so knackered after work I fell asleep on sofa till now so maybe not so healthy haha!!

unravellingfast even since I made the decision to end our marriage my health has improved no end, imagine how good I'll be when I'm out the other side of this

Hope you got back to sleep. I've increased my exercise a bit in last week so I was wiped out last night, straight to sleep at 10pm, I was sleeping from 8.30pm for months at start of the year with having been ill so this is a real improvement.

OK. This is slightly weird. I can't drink with my DH any more. Wine tastes weird when I drink with him. But I went for a cheeky early Friday drink with a girl from work. No problem. Now nicely tiddled on the train home...

Ooh @namechanged77 that is weird!! Maybe your body's protective instincts kicking in so your guard stays high with him?

I know @UnRavellingFast!! I thought the medication I'm on was to blame. But that's not the first time I've been able to enjoy a drink away from him... Sure it's something to do with being on my guard/knowing I'm the one who has to be 'responsible' but it's really odd!

Ooh that is weird @namechanged77 he obviously just turns everything sour when he's around

Funnily enough, I can't remember the last time I had a drink when H has been anywhere near either! The similarities go on!

I too am beginning to think these men go to special T* school. So today STBXH comes in from work after giving me no indication what time he'll be home. "Where's my tea?" He says.... erm.... "I didn't cook you anything I say." "Theres plenty of food in the fridge take your pick!!!"

Cant believe he's still expecting me to cook dinner. Talk about taken for granted. God get me away from here!!!! [Sad]

Also ditto the thing about drinking. Much more enjoyable now i dont have to go with Twtfce

Iamthrough they must have done this
H rang me at work the other day that he'd be very late getting home, I'd a meeting that night so I guess trying to mess it up for me or at least cause me anxiety about it, I just said ok, I'll be leaving at 7.30. He's usually home between 6 & 7.30, he arrived home at 7, after being broken down for 4 hours at work, he magically regained the time

Stbxh was an arse last night. Got stroppy when I took dd to him. Told me to leave my keys behind as he doesn’t want me in the house when he’s not there (he’s in the marital home). I refused. He asked why.Erm because I own half of it and am paying half the mortgage . He literally followed me out to the car harassing me. I ended up driving off saying I’m not talking about this any more right now!

Sympathies @Borris. Mine is also being an arse. We've barely spoken since a row a week ago - he's slept in the spare room all week. Part of me likes getting my space. But it feels like the next step down the road - and it also makes me really sad. Why can't he see what he's doing?

Borris is he living in the real world at all?
I think they think because they're the man they've more of a right to property than us. My next house will be mine and mine alone. I've already named it, it's my home town spelled backwards

namechanged that's so frustrating when they can't see what they're doing. I'm afraid I'm mostly beyond the sadness now and am mostly now just reassured I've done the right thing. But def enjoy having your room to yourself. I predict he will back down eventually as he'll need to change tactics if you don't.

mammy having positive thoughts of your new life is what keeps you going. You keep imagining your lovely house named by you

Borris it's great, and definitely that's what's keeping me going, and then I think of all the obstacles in the way - him telling his family, getting out of my current mortgage whether by him buying me out or selling house, getting new house sorted, telling dc, mediation etc etc but it will all be worth it as none of that will be as hard as living with him for the rest of my days.

@Borris - I'm surprised by the sadness. I thought I was long past that. But it's really hit me. I think a little bit of me that hoped he'd drop all the s**t and be the partner I'd like him to be. But this is his chance - and he's not. What a waste.

Things can't go on as they are - well I certainly can't. We were due to get the train in to work together today, and he ran off when we got to the station to make an earlier one!

namechanged77 is he also going for counselling or are you going alone? Doesn't sound like behaviour of someone who wants to work things out, running away from you, sleeping in separate room etc

@mammynowanauntyIRL We're having couple's counselling but individual sessions as part of that. They often do that apparently, but I've had contact with local Women's Aid services too, so it gave me chance to talk about that. It's his one this week so who knows how that will go...

You're right that he is running away. He just isn't able to accept anything I say as valid. It's all about how I need to move on - and lie back and think of England a few times and all be well!!!

Oh ya that old chestnut - all will be well if we just sleep together! I feel like we've no connection in the bedroom, ffs that's because I can't switch off how you treat me in every other room in the house just because we're about to dtd

Will be very interesting to see how his session goes.