Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes

[Onlymeeeeee]

Just as the title really, specifically looking for other people who initiated the process, not because there is anyone else, but because they cannot stay with the stbex.

I work full time too, but I’m a teacher so I can have them after school.

He is also being unusually good, washing and cooking etc, but I know it won’t last.
Thank you for the advice I will book mediation.

I will use the fact that he drinks a lot against him and the fact that the boys sports coaches all think that I’m a single mother if I have to.

He was saying he wants to split amicably but that is what I have always said in the past, I really don’t think that there is a lot of hope for that. He wants to blame everything on me, he won’t take any responsibility and refuses to accept that he has had any role in the breakdown of our relationship. I try to just focus on the future but he won’t stop his constant criticism and verbal abuse.

Sorry I guess I bristled at the comment about your H's long hours as I work 7.15am to 5.30pm daily and can be longer on demand, however on balance H can leave anytime from 11.30pm to 5.30am and return between 3pm and 8pm so he's definitely not in a position to throw stones.

I live the life of a single mother, with regard to dc schooling, activities, etc so I'm just making it official I guess.

Perhaps with a mediator in the middle of your discussions it will make a difference to their outcome, otherwise it's legal route unfortunately.

@mammynowanauntyIRL - That should be an easy question shouldn't it? I've started this post about 5 times now...

I don't want to be with him as he is. His moods are better at the moment. But I don't know when they won't be - and he doesn't accept any responsibility for their effect on the rest of us.

He behaves like everything is OK - aside from me not letting go of past issues and not being intimate. It's easier not challenge him. I am, but I find it really tough - and it makes me dread how things will be if we do split.

Not necessarily because you, and your dreams for your future and how you expected your life to be, were once tied up in his, and now they may not be.

Have you read or attended the Freedom programme? It might give you an insight into where your H falls?

My H 'attended' counselling for two years to improve our family life, he lied about attending for months previous to this, then he took €50 weekly from joint account to attend counselling for two years, I now have my doubts that he went at all, or attended weekly. He certainly hasn't been in last ten weeks.

He has also told a manner of stories/lies/exaggerations in past ten weeks in attempts to draw me in and / or scare me. One about a prowler, one about rats, one about money-this one went on for weeks.

I don't want to go back to the pretending to everyone that things are fine, walking on eggshells at home, having to check if I go somewhere or do something, having to phrase something in order to avoid setting him off, I am DONE and the sooner he realises this the better.

I really admire your strength @mammynowanauntyIRL. Damn right you shouldn't have to put up with all that shite.

I haven't done the Freedom programme, but I have spoken to WA. That has given me huge strength.

I know I'm not moving on very quickly - and my posts show that! But it helps to have this space to ramble, otherwise it's just going round and round in my head.

@namechanged77 I'm not getting at you at all, just recommending it to you it's about £12 I think online and is well worth looking at.

I am strong but not to his face, I just haven't conversed with him at all really since I told him that I was finished with us, and when I told him that I'd told my family that we were separating and the one occasion where he mentioned me staying in the house and I said it'd be sorted in mediation. I'm going to have to be blunt though because I think he's lulled into a false sense that we'll carry on as we are forever more, living separately in same house, parenting children and him doing fun stuff with dc and nothing else.

I didn't think you were @mammynowanauntyIRL I was getting at myself, if anything. I'm putting off facing up to it all. 'I'll see how counselling goes/if he does it again' etc etc. Then I find something else to wait for.

Hi name I understand what you mean when you say you dread making the next move because he's so difficult even now. Fwiw my experience (after many years of not managing to leave btw!) was that there was a lot of drama but it rolled off me a bit. Then the drama died down and there was lots of bitter blaming but with each stage- leaving, divorce papers, etc he has blown up Yes, but no worse than normal blow ups. When I didn't comply he would occupy the position he's been pushed back to and be the same really. So although like pushing Stonehenge up hill, it has not been as frightening as I had thought.

Also the courts will decide on basis of what's best for children not who did what worst (unfortunately for all of us!!) so any argument they or we have is completely irrelevant. Might as well nod along as anything else. He will never agree with you. My mistake was trying to make mine see my point of view, fool that I am!

I don't know where he is.

He's been out since the childminder and DCs got back from school. I'm sure he's fuming somewhere. Just don't know where. Told the DCs he'd be at the pub. Probably is. Haven't chased him yet. Sure he wants me to but I feel like it's a game. But what if I'm wrong??

He just got back

@namechanged77 what are you feeling? Worried about his well being or worried about his mood when he gets back? Is this is response to something specific?

X-post! How are you feeling?

He is avoiding me - and I'm not going to find him. It's because we went out for lunch yesterday and I tried to get him to talk - he wouldn't. So I spoilt lunch... He slept in the spare room last night.

My heart is racing. I feel sick. And I don't want to talk to him - I think he's very angry. But I'm not going to try and smooth things over. I think we have to go through this.

Thank you for checking in @UnRavellingFast x

So he has gone from reasonable this morning to telling me that I will have to tak him to court to get him to give me any money if I leave him, there is no way he will agree to sell and he is not moving anywhere. He even said if we were married he’d have grounds for divorce!! Because of my ‘irrational behaviour’!He has threatened me with ‘I am good at playing silly buggers and that is what I am going to do to you now’
I am going to have to just move out I think and get a solicitor. He says he will come to mediation but what is the point when he is so unreasonable?

He even said that the mediator would be like the counselor and agree with him. Why did I ever even like this evil man?

@namechanged77 I completely understand the feeling of sickness and fear, I've been there many times. Unless he's got a record of being physical when he's angry (in which case lie low, appease and secretly make your plans) his words can't hurt you but only make you stronger. If he's shouting, sulking, hissing or whatever his MO is, (my ex was all the above!) just don your 'iron overcoat' and nod along whilst thinking, thank you mate you're helping me to make my decision.

If you've decided to leave anyway, arguments are pointless because you'll never win in his mind in any argument under the sun. So save your energy for making your break up plans. He will never agree or approve but you don't need his permission to be a happy whole person. Good luck. Peace and strength to you. Thinking of you.

@Kippiwoo sorry you're going through this. The question of whether he gives you money or sells up is up to the court not him. There is zero point in having a conversation or argument about it, he's just blustering and trying to put you in your 'place'. His threats to play silly buggers are his attempts to push you mentally into submission. It's a control game. Try and ignore the threats. Mine made so many of them and I have finally realised they were all his bullshit way of controlling me and trying to bring me back under his control. I have realised that in this sense he is lacking in intelligence because it's such a piss poor way to try and keep someone. It's just not very bright.

Thank you. I kind of know that he is just wanting to control me but it is great to hear it from someone else.

Kippiwoo thry all say the same thing. But realistically he doesn’t get to decide all that. Have you seen a solicitor?

namechanged77 I know the gutache sickness in the pit of your stomach. I echo what unraveling says. Unless you’re in physical danger then Ignore and don’t engage. The sickness will pass and you’ll feel stronger. Imagine you’re in a bubble. His words can’t touch you

No not yet, but I think this has to be my next step. Thank you.

@namechanged77 How are things today?
What an absolute peach you H sounds (not). My H is the master of the silent treatment. The last time he did it was the final straw. He didn't speak to me for a week because he'd fallen out with his teenage son, completely unrelated to me! He didn't speak to his son for about 6 weeks. I was disgusted.
It was a big week for me, I had some important things going on at work and he didn't even ask later whether it had gone OK. THAT was the week I realised he didn't give a shit about me and (more importantly) that I can't protect my DS from him.

Anyway I digress (on another rant, sorry!) The ignoring/avoiding/staying out thing is all designed to get a reaction from you and manipulate you. I think this proves you are right to want to be apart from him. He's actually helping you make the right decision! Think of that to calm you down and distract yourself with anything you can so he doesn't ree how he's got to you

@Kippiwoo good luck. I'd agree you should see a solicitor, that should put your mind at rest about your position regarding your finances. When did he become a legal expert? He's saying lots of random things that make no sense. Keep posting on here, it helps!

*"I can confirm too that life off the cliff is so much better than stood on the edge. But it is scary to jump"

Hi @Tiddleypops. I'm at work already. I didn't see him before I left - he slept in the spare room all night. I just spoke to DCs - the oldest one has SATS this week. They were worried about where he was last night - I tried to be casual and say he must have bumped into a mate and gone to the pub - which could be what happened - but that's one little extra nugget of joy from him. When I called just now they were getting themselves sorted for school and he was awake, but still in bed.

The only contact I've had was to email to tell him what I'd told them about where he was. Could all be tied to the fact I have my individual session with our counsellor tonight. He'll be fuming about what I might say - and he doesn't know the half of it...

Good luck @undercoveragent. Come back and air your thoughts whenever, it does help!

@namechanged77 So he's really stringing this out then. What a child. That's completely unfair on you having to dumb down his behaviour for the kids. Good luck at the counselling session. I suspect you are right and that he's sulking about it. He is probably realising he's losing his control over you!

Ah the silent treatment often for no reason. Do they all go to the same college for fuckwits? I used to fall over myself to make it right because I thought it must have been something I'd done. I hate him so much when I look back on moments like that. How could he watch a person who loved him in tears, trying to make up while he played his wanky game? One of the many reasons I will never go back.

Sorry bit of a flashback moment for me there