Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes

[Onlymeeeeee]

Just as the title really, specifically looking for other people who initiated the process, not because there is anyone else, but because they cannot stay with the stbex.

My reply to 'I love you' would be pity you couldn't have shown it.

@mammynowanauntyIRL That's what I should have said. I chickened out!!

He thinks one vaguely constructive hour with a counsellor has made everything OK. It doesn't.

And I'm SO with you on them going out (or not). Mine was 'working' at home last year and managed to combine spending his (extensive) spare time during the day on his hobbies rather than chores with ALWAYS being there in the evenings when I was back from work

I would only think of those witty remarks after the event though!

Now I've got it up my sleeve for if he does come out with it!

Really struggling today. Feel very anxious - heart racing, tight chest.

There's no real reason things should feel worse today - I think I just feel trapped, and I'm questioning everything.

DH is behaving like everything is OK now. He thinks that's the answer. But he was really, really horrible - controlling, EA - just a few months ago (for most of last year). And it wasn't the first time he's been like that for a significant period.

I don't know if I can ever expect him to accept the effects of his past behaviour? Should it matter if he's being OK now? I'm just so angry and hurt - and I can't let go of that,,,

Sorry - lots of words that don't get anywhere. Just one of those days I guess...

I know the feeling well @namechanged77. My H is behaving like he's on top of the world and it just fuels my internal rage. You have a lot to process and cope with so it's hardly surprising you are going to have these days. i feel some days are easier (usually when I have work or don't have much to do with that t*sser!)

And yes I would say that the past does matter - if he doesn't accept what he has done in the past, how can he ever really change. I suspect he is responding to the immediate crisis. You sound as though you don't feel you can trust him with your future. Well, trust is earned and he hasn't done anything to earn it - other than be nice for a few days which is worth naff all based on his previous behaviour - has he?

I am in a mega rage today. In between polishing himself and swanking around like it's f*cking superman, he seems to a questioning everything I do. E.g. today - his mother has DS because I am working - I have ended up with the afternoon off (I started at 4am to earn it!) but said I would still pick DS up later on, because it would save messing his mum around when she had already made plans with DS and it would mean I could get some extra household jobs done.
He questioned why i would not pick DS up as soon as I finished work and treated me as though I was taking liberties to actually have an hour or 2 off childcare to do some jobs without a child hanging off my leg for once!

Then, he asked whether one of my jobs would be going to the shop - he was otherwise going to have to make a special trip just to get himself 1 item... Didn't even cross his mind to say that since he was making a special trip, he could take the list and actually save me something to do (my to do list is on the coffee table so he knows I am not going to be sitting around with loads of time!)

God @Tiddleypops why are all the jobs down to you?? Sorry you're dealing with this kind of s**t too. Thanks for your understanding though. I knew this would be the place to come...

I was talking to a friend at work earlier who was asking if things would ever get better if I didn't forgive DH. And he's right - it would need to happen for things to be 'normal' again.

But DH doesn't seem to actually be sorry - and I just don't think I can (or should. Not again. Why should he get away with it?!)

Hey people, you might recognise me as the OP?
Well I opened an email today and there was my decree absolute! After agreeing to his threat to move out back in July 2017 instead of bending over backwards to keep him happy, I filed for unreasonable behaviour, mediation broke down when he lied about his finances (I've never known his salary in 20 years)
We went to court, I'm keeping my house, I've opened a CMS claim, I'm being investigated by tax credits because he wouldn't leave when we split,
BUT I AM NOT MARRIED ANY MORE

Hey @Onlymeeeeee congratulations! a tough battle well won. You must feel so pleased.

@Onlymeeeeee Congratulations

Yayyy onlymeee. Fantastic news and inspiration for the rest of us

Congratulations from me too @Onlymeeeeee Good to hear you got to where you wanted to be. Xx

Well done @onlymeeee Sounds like you've had a rough journey but welcome to the beginning of your new life. Hoping I can join you there are some point......

PS thanks for starting this thread!

Woop woop 🙌
Great news! OP. @Onlymeeeeee
Can only imagine the relief you must be feeling!

Ps I am also with @iamthrough - thanks for starting this thread!! 👌🏼 👌🏼

Well done @Onlymeeeeee Good luck for your future freedom and thanks for the thread!

I am finding social events really difficult to navigate.

Me and DC have been invited away for a night with some friends and I feel like I have to ask for permission and I know that H will be angry about it and make it difficult. I feel almost like just saying no to everything just because it's easier.
I have a family birthday party looming too which I really have to go to, and I'll feel the same about that.

I think he might actually have convinced himself I am seeing someone else too! He's asking some really odd questions about completely innocent things as though I might be hiding something or have an ulterior motive.
He did outright ask me if I was having an affair after The Conversation but that was back in February, and I was that outraged he could even accuse me of such a thing that I don't think he'd dare come out and ask me straight again. It's not the first time he's convinced himself of this based on absolutely F all. He once thought I might be managing to have an affair while I was at work, during work time .

I am having a week of rage! I need to get on with the next stage and try and get him to move out.

So nice to find I’m not alone. He says he’s leaving but I don’t believe him, he has said that in the past, but he then tells me I’m mental if I think he will let me stay in the house without him .He has shown no love for years, he sits on the sofa playing with his phone and that is his life. I found him in bed with my friend when she stayed over and he says that I must have kicked him in the night to make him go! I have been telling him it’s over since 2010, now I think I can really do it. I know he will never change and my dss are older and I earn an ok salary. We aren’t married but in the past he has just refused to move out. He sleeps on the sofa and we don’t speak at all. I just hope that he will go if I stick to my guns this time. I used to think that I was doing the best for my dss by staying, but now I know that he will damage them if I stay with him. Do you have any advice for getting him out? We have a mortgage but my parents will help me to buy him out.

Twiddly that sounds so familiar. I stopped arranging visits and stuff because of the fall out. Even going to my mum's for the weekend ended in a week of not speaking to any of us. I wish you strength in your plans as it's no life is it.

Hi Kippiwoo sorry to hear that, sounds awful. It's so like them to just entrench when they find a place to stay and never leave. This type of person is actually very dependent in a lazy and entitled way I think - well my stbx is anyway!

Does he work kippi ? I think step one is see a solicitor and find out how your finances will split. If you offered him a certain amount to buy him out do you think he’d take it. I mean I’m 100% certain he’d say no at first cos they all do ! But then once he’s thought about it he might say yes. Otherwise would you consider selling, splitting the money and buying somewhere else, poss with your parents helping the deposit? Mediation can help you reach a decision (if he’ll go) and again solicitors can recommend mediators. Good luck!

Hiya, thanks for all the replies, it is so good to talk about this stuff. I asked him today when he is moving out and he said there is no way he is going anywhere and he won’t allow me to sell the house so I will have to go. I said he would have to buy me out and he said he can’t afford to. I said I would buy him out and he said that I can’t afford it but I said my parents would help me to pay him off. Hopefully, he will think about it like you said, and go for it. He started saying how selfish and self centered I am, but I just said ‘no, that’s you, you’re taking about’ I feel like for the first time I’m not going to just take his verbal abuse, I am so determined this time, I’ve just got to stay strong 💪

This morning he is saying he will go but he wants the boys half the time. This is where I always crack, how can I bear to be apart from my boys?? 😭 if I go to court to fight this will it cost thousands? Will mediation help him see that it’s not practical for him to have them half the time? He works till 6pm, he’s a big drinker and doesn’t get up until 8.30.

kippiwoo
I'm in the situation where I probably could get mortgage to buy him out by extending it, but I don't want to as house is built sandwiched among his family. I don't think he can afford to buy me out but at this stage I'd settle for a decent amount and being off our mortgage so that I can get my own house.

I've accepted though that he will probably have dc 50% of the time, which will be a lot more time than he usually spends with them and wonder if he'll even do that. His last arrangement with his previous wife he had youngest ds fri night and up to 6pm on Sat night so 24 hours, and called regularly to her house on an ad hoc basis. I do not want this. If he doesn't do 50/50 there will be a definite arrangement regarding the dc, not showing up at my house whenever it suits him.

Will you cite his drinking as a reason for him not getting access, do you think it's in the boys interest to see their dad or not?

In our case we both work full time so this isn't part of the decision making process for access.

Will he participate in mediation? Have you applied?

We're on waiting list for mediation, I still have doubts as to whether he'll comply or not but if he does it'll be tremendously helpful to have a third party there to stop discussions escalating into arguments and to show when it's a rational discussion or irrational to H also as this doesn't happen at home. Every little thing just escalates into a full blown row at home, although funnily this hasn't happened since I told him we were separating, most likely because we barely speak now and he's on excellent behaviour at the moment!

@kippiwoo will he change his behaviour as a dad regarding drinking and getting up in the morning for the dc when he's on his own with them, when he won't change for you do you think?

H never had time for family days out or made an effort to help out getting ready the dc if we had something on, now he's organising and taking them out all by himself

But I know this behaviour won't last and our marriage is still over

HI @Kippiwoo - it sounds like you're being really strong. Well done! I'm not at the same stage - but everything I've read from people who are seems to say it's best to get it legally rubber-stamped, so if he doesn't live up to his promises you'd have some come-back.

My DH is on best behaviour too - because he thinks that all that's needed to fix things is for him to be Mr Nice now. It's as if it's only his mood that matters - and if he's OK then what on earth am I going on about?!?

Oh - and I just need to Do It too. That would make everything fine. The fact that the way he's behaved towards me and DCs means that's the last thing I want to do is something he just can't get his head round.

He acts like he has absolutely no responsibility for the situation. Everything is someone else's fault. I tried to talk to him again yesterday - but he just wouldn't engage. Then last night he huffed off to the spare room when I didn't move to cuddle him. It's really sad - but that was fine by me.

@namechanged77
What do you want for you? Not the dc, not your marriage just for you?
You only get one life, do you want to spend the rest of it living like this?
I spent the last couple of years thinking I was doing the right thing by staying for the dc, I've realised that's it's not the right thing for them or me, and that they'll have a better life with us separated than us together, and scary as it is to make that jump, it's one I have to make.

Your H sounds exactly like mine, huffing off to spare room, he thought it was punishing me, and in the beginning he was, but then I became indifferent to it, and then dreaded when he did deign to come back to our room. They're always the victim, but they're the common denominator in all the bad situations that happens them so do they ever look inwards and think, maybe it's them that's wrong?