Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes

[Onlymeeeeee]

Just as the title really, specifically looking for other people who initiated the process, not because there is anyone else, but because they cannot stay with the stbex.

Sorry to hear that @mammynowanauntyIRL - I wish you strength. It's very hard and so very complex dealing with all this.

Thanks unravelling

Anyone know how long it takes from sending the initial divorce petition til it lands back on your mat ready to be signed by stbex? I half dread the post everyday and half look forward to it

Hi @vanillarose Ours took 3 weeks but I think it varies depending what area you are. We're in the South West.

Thinking of everybody today. The fallout from the dcs is one of the worst things I'm finding because I love them whereas I don't love stbx! Vanilla I think 3 weeks sounds about right. It's been a while because i did the Nisi then stuff happened and so that was a while ago.

Working out what to do is so stressful. He was away last night but I still woke up with a stress headache. He is starting to register what he's been doing wrong, but not everything.

An example - I was telling him how the DCs, especially the eldest, are intimidated by his moods and look to me for 'protection' (it's verbal, not physical). And he was trying to say that it's her general personality because she gets anxious when I'm not there...!! How does he work that out???

But DCs wouldn't want him to go I don't think.

So I don't know if he's going to change enough for me to forgive him - or if it's too late - and if it is, I don't know if I can be the 'bad guy' who ends things.

I feel so stuck.

Sounds like a difficult situation @namechanged77, can you imagine wanting to be with him in X number of years or think in that same number of years you could have all of this over? Would the DCs be better longer term? Hmm.
I do think people can change IF they really want to, so maybe if he's starting to realise he has caused some of this, then maybe he can change... So tough without a crystal ball, and I don't know about you, but with DCs and everything else, I really struggle to actually have time and space to think about things at all!

I've had a week of not really seeing much of H because we've been on conflicting shifts. I've felt so much more relaxed. Then this morning we were both there, and every time I move, he's there like some puppy. Since our first 'it's over' conversation, he's gone from extremely remorseful to convincing himself he's an angel and I'm betraying our marriage vows (because, apparently it's not his fault he drank our marriage away because alcoholism is an illness, thus negating any personal responsibility ). He swings between this, and denial mode.

I need to move things on. This week has shown me how I live when he's around, anxious, on edge, short on patience etc, and how it can be when he isn't. I'm just not sure I'm strong enough to tell him to move out. I know he doesn't have to, even if I do, but something has to give. I think my only other option is to start divorce proceedings, but I'm not sure I'm brave enough for that either yet

I should add that alcoholism definitely is an illness, that bit I don't dispute, but saying he didn't realise it was destroying everything is BS and it definitely is his responsibility to try and get well. Without me now, he had my support too long...

Apologies for the rant, I'm really deflated now my week of relative freedom is over!

How you doing @mammynowanauntyIRL?

Ambling along tiddly tonight he's gone to an event we got tickets for at Christmas. I reminded him it was on during the week but that I wouldn't be going, I know he wouldn't go alone but I don't know who he's gone with nor do I care.
Tomo night I'm going to a friends house for dinner but we're going to the pub also which is our local village, I didn't share this info just confirmed he could take care of dc. This is new to me as normally he and I know each other's whereabouts at all times. Nearly feels naughty

Is it just me or do other people find it awkward at home? The other day he sat on sofa for hours, not interacting with anyone other than his phone then went to his bedroom for a nap, then went back to sofa. I felt like he was a lodger and I was running around doing everything from housework to childcare etc including cooking a dinner which he ate! I realise when he has left ( I am hoping here, but can't see when that will be) I will be doing everything on my own but it will be without the horrendous atmosphere he seems to carry with him everywhere.

Because I didn't put his dirty laundry in the wash bin he wore everything for two weeks!
And now I have a load of his stuff in my ironing pile. I don't want to be petty and not do it, but he is now doing less about the house than he was before. 🙄😕

No @RoseMartha , it's definitely not just you. DH has been out most of the day, and had a lovely with the DCs. Find being with DH - and being on my own with him especially (even during the day) SO awkward.

I know just what you mean. When stbx had his sports nights they were my highlight of the week as he'd be out. He went less and less often and I realised my life was shrinking as a result! I have many a wobble but I never ever regret leaving. It took me a long time because it is really hard to jump off that 'cliff' but no regrets after from anyone I've ever heard of who has escaped from similar.

Yes another one feeling the effects of a lazy leech sitting on the sofa doing nothing other than creating a bad atmosphere and still living a nice cushy life. It's making me even more resentful, but seriously difficult to push back on with children in the house. I mean, you can't exactly cook dinner for everyone but not him

We're all on the same page here aren't we?
H gave up his activity, apparently for his family (I know for a fact he had a row and stormed out & his pride kept him from going back!)
I know exactly what you mean about loving the time they're not in the house & when you're in a relationship you shouldn't feel like that!

Glad you're all here xx

Thank you all for the replies good to know I am not alone and yet I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone else at the same time.
If it during school time and it's a non work day for me and he is home I make myself go out all day.
We have gone out all day today in order to avoid him

Same here. My stbxh has a hobby one night a week. I still remember the crushing disappointment if it was cancelled or if he wasn’t going.

I can confirm too that life off the cliff is so much better than stood on the edge. But it is scary to jump

Ooh and I love that stbxh autocorrects on my phone to stench. Very apt.

@Borris stench

@UnRavellingFast @Borris - Stench

Serious question. What do you do when they say 'I love you'? DH said it earlier and I couldn't avoid saying it back. But I didn't want to.

I don’t know. Maybe it depends how far down the split you are?

I can’t imagine mine saying it now, but if he did i’d Probably say something along the lines of actions speak louder than words, or you think you love me but you don’t. Or I might say something like it’s too late for that.

Earlier on I might have been tempted just to repeat to keep the quiet life. Or said I love you too but sometimes it’s not enough

Sorry. Not much help

@Borris "I can confirm too that life off the cliff is so much better than stood on the edge. But it is scary to jump"

Yes the cliff top thing was how I felt. I feel I have jumped and landed on an uncomfortable ledge just a little way down.
Think I might hear from solicitor this week 😕🤔

Been lurking here for a while as seem to be in similar situation as you all.

@Borris good analogy Re cliff - very very scary as that's where I am and need someone to just push me or if he could just make the move even better - but he's in denial and thinks I am going through mid life crisis or some shit and will soon get over it!!
Life is same as usual in our house right now with regards to washing and cooking only we don't call each other by pet names like sweetie 🤮 which we use to in joking way. And we don't greet each other with any affection. We currently aren't sharing a bed as my oldest DS asks to sleep with me every night and due to medical probs I am happy to let him while H takes his bed. We have 2 boys, and youngest adores his dad and would probably prefer him over me. Unfortunately we don't have a spare room which we could do with right now!!

Anyway this is where I am at - told H it was over as no love due to his constant anxiety and needing to blame everything on me that goes wrong, talking to me like a piece of shit by being vile with nasty comments and name calling in front of kids when he loses temper and him being so anti social and doesn't like anybody to call to house! This has wore me down over the years and made me feel trapped and now just want to be free of him! Even with all of above I have no hate towards him - just a feeling of nothingness really. So that confirms I am done.

@Tiddleypops I am right on that ledge with you - middle of nowhere where nothing is happening as not moving forward but definitely not wanting to move back.

But yes totally agree with you @UnRavellingFast having 'night off' or house to myself! My H had a brief stint where he worked nights and I use to look forward to this as I could just chill out! And not have someone comment on things I was doing!!! But due to him being so bloody anti social he goes nowhere and does nothing only work and home and it drives me crazy!! And then when I have something to go to he's like 'oh isn't it well for some' with a sarcastic tone!! 🙄🙄🙄

@namechanged77 Not sure how I would react to him saying 'I love you' probably tell him to piss off and we are way beyond that as my kids young enough (I think anyway) not to understand really what we are saying to each other - mmmm I could be wrong tho 🙈 they are 3 & 5 and I hope they are oblivious.

Yes my stench is an unsociable sod too and never goes to anything and just the same- whenever I'd go out I'd be accused of acting like a teenager and he'd say stuff like 'out AGAIN?' When in reality I went out once or twice a month with some friends. Also he'd say I had mid life crisis, was frigid or a lesbian or having an affair. None of the above was true, he just couldn't believe I'd rather be alone and poorer than with him!!! He also used to say my dm hates men and that's why 'I do' (I don't of course) and blame my 'fucked up' family. Anything I ever told him of a personal nature would come back as an attack at some point so I hid stuff like any meds I was on or if I had some counselling for anxiety etc. It's no life is it!