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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes

999 replies

Onlymeeeeee · 18/02/2018 19:13

Just as the title really, specifically looking for other people who initiated the process, not because there is anyone else, but because they cannot stay with the stbex.

OP posts:
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7
rabbitrabbit12 · 25/04/2018 19:55

I just wanted to add after I initiated my split after 15 yrs of dealing with an unsupportive manchild who wanted to lead a single life although we had 2 kids. In the past yr he's moved his gf in and they've had a baby!! This is the bloke that didn't want any more kids. He now parades round in his family saloon car going camping with our DDand his new family. He wouldn't buy a sensible car or go camping with me. It really f*s me off that he couldn't have been like that for me and my kids. Don't get me wrong he may still be the same behind closed doors but still he wouldn't change for me x

Borris · 25/04/2018 21:30

rabbit I can see how that would hurt and annoy equally. But if it’s only a year he’s probably still in the mr nice phase. It’s quite likely that the mask will slip and he’ll revert to his old ways soon enough

UnRavellingFast · 25/04/2018 23:29

@Borris @rabbitrabbit12 yeah they do not change. Not a bit. It's inbuilt and part of the reason their methods work is that they can be charming for the first months or year or so. Then the subtle manipulation starts. Followed by the bullying but in an oh so reasonable way. Then the plain bullying once we're sucked in and brainwashed and confused!

Also bet your bottom dollar part of this being camping Disney dad is his special way of punishing you and rubbing your nose in it. Just show him happy funny jokey you all the time in return!

iamthrough · 26/04/2018 11:28

Hi All, I've been lurking for a while on here but very little changed here so I;ve not really had anything to add.

@mammynowanauntyIRL and @tiddleypops your comments about the letting a bomb off in your life really resonated with me - you are right it is like an explosion and it does create a mess but its better than living the rest of your life sitting on top of the bomb!

@namechanged77 I hope your counselling is useful. For me, the counsellor was the first person to warn me about my STBeXH behaviour and to be careful - so they do know what to look for. Good Luck.

namechanged77 · 26/04/2018 11:47

Thanks @iamthrough - I'm not really sure how the counselling went tbh. She doesn't know about certain things (contact with the local women's aid service and why I've had it) and there was a lot of 'you can both...' . So I called them up today and asked for individual sessions too. He got really angry during the session when I "mispoke" but it was a good example of how rows go. He was quite conciliatory when we got home - but often broods on things and isn't so the day after...

Xenia · 26/04/2018 13:08

rabbit he may change. I know someone whose wife divorced him for adultery. He then remarried and put up all kinds of happy pictures with the new younger wife, their new baby and the first set of children - all happy families which was pretty insensitive to the first wife. He confided in me over the years about his marital troubles. I thought with the seocnd marriage that was it - true love at last. In fact he'd just repeated the pattern, married someone simialr with the same problems and I was very very disappointed indeed when he asked me out (I refused as I don't get together with married men) not that long after the second marriage. Don't assume all these second marriages are happy. often it's first marriage with all its problems x 2 plus money troubles even worse than before as two families to keep. (The second wife in this case despite having a good career gave up work almost immediately to have the babies)

rabbitrabbit12 · 26/04/2018 14:59

@xenia it is weird in my case as I feel he's trying to recreate what we had years ago. His gf is 15 yrs younger (I'm not bothered about that) but they are living round the corner from where we used to live in a similar style housing, with the same furniture I left him, his gf had long blonde hair but now it's brunette (like mine) she's even been to see the child minder I used to use for my Dd! There are loads of other cms. It's like he's slotted her in my place - I find it very weird tbh...but now he's doing all the things I wanted to do such as camping and having a 'family life' but he was too busy working and going out drinking with his mates. I'm not bitter any more I just don't understand it x

UnRavellingFast · 26/04/2018 23:20

Hi all. I am feeling overwhelming painful depression and can't stop crying. I thought things would feel better after I left but I think I bottled things up so firmly when "inside" to keep the peace, now it's all over the place and I feel like I'm losing my mind. Anyone able to advise if this is normal and if it will pass soon? I've never felt like this before. In the old days of the r/s, keeping things as normal as possible and avoiding his blow ups seemed to keep me sane in a weird way and now I feel in so much pain.

Helpnow1 · 27/04/2018 05:55

@UnRavellingFast I'm not at that stage yet but sending you support and hugs. It will pass, you have had so much bottled up for so long that a reaction almost like shock seems inevitable when you are suddenly free. Hopefully someone will come along soon who has been through this and can reassure you xx

namechanged77 · 27/04/2018 09:22

@UnRavellingFast Not at that stage either, but sending hugs.

I think with any big thing, it's only possible to let yourself FEEL after it's over. Hope you feel stronger soon. BiscuitThanksThanksThanks

Tiddleypops · 27/04/2018 11:02

@UnRavellingFast Agree with the others, I would imagine you have had to keep a lot suppressed and only now can you really allow yourself to feel Flowers

Borris · 27/04/2018 11:48

Unraveling- I get it. I think your adrenaline is still high and you’ve got fight or flight as a natural react. Makes you more emotional. I feel generally much better but then find myself crying when totally not expecting it. And I’m not a teary person. I think mixed into it is guilt and sadness and have you done the right thing moments

UnRavellingFast · 27/04/2018 17:47

Hi thank you for your replies - they made me feel much better Thanks Yes I think it is shock suppressed feelings bubbling up and adrenaline. I don't usually cry a lot but these days I'm just longing to get into the car for my commute just so I can be alone and cry Confused luckily Winehelps...

Vanillarose · 27/04/2018 22:02

Update from me - I've sent off my divorce petition at last. He wouldn't agree to my unreasonable behaviour examples (all completely true and definitely not some of the worst!) at first and tore up the paper but I revised them and he begrudgingly said he would agree to them. He might change his mind when the papers arrive in the post though, who knows?

I felt so brave actually doing it after having them sat in the drawer for weeks. I know he's desperate not to have to leave the house but we can't live in this limbo forever. He would be happy to which makes me feel sad for him. I do want him to move on and be happy and find someone who can love him. NB - I might not be saying this after we hash out the finances which is my next hurdle!

RoseMartha · 27/04/2018 22:37

@Vanillarose good luck hope it goes ahead okay. You seem a little ahead of me proceedings wise. I have been a nervous wreck half this week and then an emotional wreck whilst hanging about in this limbo where nothing seems to be happening . I think next week though I might be saying I preferred nothing happening as I have a feeling he will start to kick off about the petition and I will be in similar position to you🙄😕

Helpnow1 · 27/04/2018 23:28

@Vanillarose well done, that's progress - I'm now at the same stage and it certainly feels good to be moving things on - living in the same house is unbearable!

mammynowanauntyIRL · 29/04/2018 10:54

Have been reading but not posting

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes
UnRavellingFast · 29/04/2018 15:07

Hope you're ok @mammynowanauntyIRL?

mammynowanauntyIRL · 29/04/2018 18:11

I'm ok been out for a few hours with my friend and he's giving me the silent treatment

Borris · 29/04/2018 20:54

Oh mammy that’s awful. Does he often slap the dc? Hope you’ve got some rl support too

Borris · 29/04/2018 20:59

Is everyone else keeping a journal of abuse? I have been since August, recommended by a friend. I was updating it today and was shocked looking back. There’s so much stuff that I’d forgotten about. We really do minimise it.
I’ve started keeping records of phone calls. What tends to happen is that I email him, partly as I find it easier to get my thoughts down in a rational way but aldo as I like a written record. But he usually phoned me rather than email replies🙄

Xenia · 29/04/2018 21:33

mammy, that's bad. He should not be slapping the children. Don't move out.

I always kept a diary. I agree it is good to have a written record in emails of communications. We did nto have that as both of us were advised no to move out by our lawyers until the whole thing was done so had to negotiate face to face.

mammynowanauntyIRL · 29/04/2018 22:05

Not keeping a journal but updating my thread on here so I guess it's similar

namechanged77 · 30/04/2018 09:42

Yes definitely worth keeping a record somewhere - means that when they deny/try messing with your head, there's something to rely on.

@mammynowanauntyIRL - sorry you're having a s**t time. We're all here for you Thanks

My DH is currently being all nice. DCs have forgotten how horrible he was up to a couple of months ago. I can't forget. Makes me want to scream.

I feel so lonely - it's just me who thinks it's shite. Currently making brief trip into town last as long as possible so I don't have to be at home with him.

mammynowanauntyIRL · 30/04/2018 09:47

I definitely won't be moving out without a resolution - we've got a mortgage and two children together. I will stay put until plans are put in place for both of these.

My dc forget like that too, seems to be that dd knows underneath what he's like but craves him being nice to her so when he is she's delighted. She's only happy in the moment not generally happy and this worries me, she's 8 so reliant on circumstances around her for her happiness. This must be due to the environment she's living in.