Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes

[Onlymeeeeee]

Just as the title really, specifically looking for other people who initiated the process, not because there is anyone else, but because they cannot stay with the stbex.

Met my barrister today ready for court next week, she commented on how concerned i was about what stbExH wanted and said i didn't need to worry about it much!

Had to get ready meals for tea as i feel so befuddled by information i wasn't sure if i could manage complex cooking

Feeling down and stressed . Papers went to oh . He's gone from one day being aggressive to trying to be affectionate not the first time this cycle of behaviour since i said enough is enough. ( in face this cycle of behaviour is generally normal) . Asked for extension on response. I am so worried it's all I can think about most the time I feel a nervous wreck but holding it together for family. He has started talking about things going back to 'normal' again. I imagine he is hoping I will drop it or stop it or something. Feels like he is giving quiet nice front tactic manipulation if that makes sense.

I read on another thread about this being likened to throwing a bomb into your own life, I think it sums it up well doesn't it?

Keep going @RoseMartha, you will get there, take it one day at a time - you are closer to the end now than you were yesterday.

@mammy - I thought that too, it was like throwing a bomb into my own life, but I did not light the fuse - he did and then passed it to me, I've juggled it around for years trying to diffuse it/prevent it from damaging anyone else, but it is not sustainable forever. Hope you are doing ok

I'm more in limbo now than ever before @tiddleypops
I'll give him a chance to explain how he foresees it working with me living in our house with dc and him next door, both for parental responsibility and for financial reasons and regarding his inevitable resentment down the line. This conversation probably won't happen this week because he's on nights so going to bed when I get home

I feel sick today. Relate sessions this week and I'm going to have to face up his shit.

@namechanged77 talk it through here, anytime you want

Thank you @mammynowanauntyIRL , that's appreciated. It's just that I know he'll twist and dismiss what I say. And I'll have to be strong enough to say what I feel - in front of him. Just hope the counsellor isn't fooled...

I feel a bit like that about mediation, there are things that I definitely want to tackle in it, that I've not verbalised to him before.

Writing it down has helped me

Tiddlypops thank you

@Helpnow1

@mammynowanauntyIRL thank you for showing it to me - how lovely!

I wish you success with mediation - I understand exactly how you feel, you too with counselling, @namechanged77, good luck xx

Thanks @Helpnow1 x

He really does make me feel crazy-headed. Tonight he was talking about someone we know having 'anger issues". Then he said 'Bet you think that's rich coming from me" - as a 'joke'. Bloody hilarious.

Then he started suggesting we should go out for dinner before our Relate session!!! No F-ing way!

I can't work out if he's in complete denial - or just utterly self-centred.

@namechanged77 I think they're just waiting for us to bend over and take it again as we've always done

@namechanged77 your H's attitude sounds like mine - who really cannot seem to see anything except from his own point of view. After our one and only Relate session - which left me feeling scrambled - H suggested we went for lunch together. I declined! Silver lining: it all confirmed that I was doing the right thing in separating.

H also did the nasty comments as jokes thing, mostly in front of other people.

To me these things are all about controlling and dominating.

I really do wish you the best for the counselling - give it your best shot but trust your instincts x

'Sarcasm' and inappropriate jokes are definitely a control tactic (conscious or sub-conscious). My H also does this to an extreme extent. I reached the point of avoiding certain topics of conversation because he'd interrupt with often the same unfunny 'jokes' as last time. He does it to his mum too and sometimes she just looks so crestfallen when she's been trying to say something perfectly normal and been interrupted to the point that she can't remember what she was saying.....

Of course if you get grumpy or say anything about their 'jokes they'll tell you it's YOU that has the problem / sense of humour failure / being grumpy / it was just a joke for gods sake etc etc etc.... Sometimes it is/was relentless in our house.

Good luck at your Relate session @namechanged77 I hope you get your points across and some things cleared up

Namechanged I hope it’s gone well too. I found counselling unhelpful (joint counselling) so don’t feel bad giving up on it if it’s not for you.

I had a run in with stbx about school holidays. Next holiday is a 2 week we so I suggested we had a week each. He wants to take dd away tues - tues . I just said no you can do sat-sat or sun-sun, otherwise you’re eating into my time. Apparently I’m bulldozing things . By splitting time totally fairly between us.

Plus I expect his “not other woman” friend will be going although I haven’t asked

Tiddley - mine can give a ‘joke’ but not take a mild bit of teasing. Worryingly dd aged 7 is a bit like that too!

Mammy - beautiful tapestry

Borris it's never ending isn't it?

Thanks everyone. Feel really supported by you all. I'm ready for counselling to fail - but then it will be down to me to decide if I really would end it. And that scares me so much.

I have been reading this book though - and it's great. A lot rings true, so it's helping me limit my expectations!!

www.amazon.co.uk/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Recognize-Respond/dp/1440504636

I'll update tomorrow xx

@Tiddleypops * @mammy - I thought that too, it was like throwing a bomb into my own life, but I did not light the fuse - he did and then passed it to me, I've juggled it around for years trying to diffuse it/prevent it from damaging anyone else, but it is not sustainable forever. Hope you are doing ok*

That is a fantastic representation of this type of abuse. And when we finally throw it away and it explodes it's 'our fault' even though they lit the fuse.

I bought the emotionally abusive relationship by Beverley Engel but haven't read it yet. It's intense and I've not got the emotional energy for it right now and you can't exactly pull it out on your tea break

Well, don't watch Kramer vs Kramer.