Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes

[Onlymeeeeee]

Just as the title really, specifically looking for other people who initiated the process, not because there is anyone else, but because they cannot stay with the stbex.

@mammynowanauntyIRL OMG I so hear you when you say this >>
"I do know that none of those things are my problem but that they are a barrier to this process happening quickly and us progressing to the stage of living separately."

Isn't that just one of the most annoying/painful/emotional/strength draining things ever? I try to remember a year ago I was still very confused and had spoken to no one about what was going on in my head. Now at least, the ball is rolling in the right direction albeit slowly thanks to H burying his head in the sand! One day there will be freedom and that day is closer all the time

AAARRRGGGHHHH!! This week is seriously testing my patience though. We are in this weird limbo which - for all his acting as though everything is perfectly normal, must be making him feel insecure, so if I don't reply to a text he'll repeat the message to me via another means just to try and force me to reply.
Yet I have messaged him today about a practical childcare arrangement and he is purposefully ignoring me. I wasn't even asking him to do anything in particular (but it did need a reply), it just involved me making arrangements to see a friend.
I barely have a life outside of work and my son, and he makes it so difficult to negotiate any time off, that it's almost not worth the bother - but for my sanity, just once in while, it would be nice not to be on the go go go - just a little bit of space and thinking time.
I have to pluck up the courage to speak with him about anything of importance. I can't wait to be free!!!! (Rant over - for now! I feel better for having a big moan!)

@tiddleypops he's not answering because he has control of you when he's not answering, you can't go ahead with your plans without him consenting to having ds...

It is extremely draining

Exactly @mammynowanauntyIRL
I am managing to detach myself in other ways and in that way feel stronger than when we had the first "this is over" conversation, I feel less responsible for looking after him and how he feels, these are his problem. However his denial seems to be deeper than ever and the guilt/remorse he initially showed have gone altogether. We'll get there!

My H is actually participating more in parenting than he ever did before either in an attempt to show me how great he is or to make dc have a better impression of him so that we split I'm at fault

Sounds very familiar!
You know the truth though, and with men like that they soon get bored of the effort once the immediate crisis is over. The best times are ahead, once this is over and your kids will eventually see right through him x

@mammynowanauntyIRL mine is doing the same thing 🙄

@Borris great news that you're actually separated. Must feel so liberating 😁

He's still trying to engage me in his dramas though. I did grey rock without being too obvious didn't get involved in his dramatics but didn't ignore him completely in case he'd realise what I was doing.

I went to see another house, it's more suitable for us and although dated could be moved into within a short period of time

@mammynowanauntyIRL it's very draining but you're on the way towards being away from it, just remember that...

Thanks help my friend was granted her divorce yesterday after a six year struggle, there’s light at end of the tunnel.

mammy I had my 2nd choice house. My favourite was being lived in when I looked round and just had a nicer feel than the empty, cold a bit dingy one that I ended up renting. But now I’ve got my things in it it’s fine. So I wouldn’t worry too much about how a house looks. It soon feels home.

Whoever asked about how we divided stuff. Well mostly I just bought new (eBay or ikea basics on the whole!) but just a few things that I wanted (mostly things from my parents or grandparents) we cane to blows over. Dividing the whole house would def be more stress than it’s worth. And tbh it’s nice to have different things that have no memories attached.

It is liberating having my own place. But somehow I find interactions with him10 times more stressful. I guess cos I’ve tasted freedom and also I’m less used to it.

He appears to have a new gf. Which does at least take the heat off me. But is slightly that 15 years together and replaces in 15mins. So I’m a bit of an imposter in this thread now.

Wow 6 years to divorce. I can’t think beyond next week. Ultimate I think we will do the whole legal thing but just seems an insurmountable mountain now. I’m just going to gather my strength living alone for now. I feel soooooo tired all the time!

@mammynowanauntyIRL that's great news for your friend and gives us all hope!

Have a great weekend in the sunshine everyone - don't let the STBXHs get you down, weekends can be very tough with having to see them more than in the week, if you are still in the same house x

H brought up separation voluntarily on fri eve, I'm still in shock. He said we need to talk about this. That he'll move out into granny flat of house next door, that house shouldn't be sold until mortgage is paid and dc are older as it's their home.
That he's sorry it came to this and I said so am I but it's the right decision he said he didn't agree but could see why I thought it.
I said sure we can sort out details in mediation and he suggested maybe we could sort it out ourselves and that he'll be nice.
I think mediation is best way forward, it's fair and they've experience of guiding these discussions and will throw up every possible scenario.

If he moves out and not contributing to household bills other than mortgage I won't have a spare penny.
If he moves out and contributes towards household bills he'll be resentful in time I think
If he moves out into granny flat is he going to have responsibility for dc at all? This would trap me even more than I already am.

Of course I'll hear what he has to say
I'll also separate out our bills into those for house and those for dc and project ds activities and school expenses for following year which we don't have now.

Dds party today, another day of pretending to the world that all's right here, hopefully not too many more of those.

Borris it was me with all those questions about the house

Borris thanks for answering questions about the house, it's interesting to hear how others work things out.

I feel a fraud, but for now divorce is off the cards. Accepting that our relationship is shot (maybe me noticing more than him) has ironically made us much more civil and better co parents. We are in separate bedrooms and that has kept me calmer.

Need that's true for us too but I feel it's calm before the storm however and that we're in limbo in separate rooms without dc knowing.

Argh, same limbo here too. I hate it. Last week he deliberately made it difficult for me to arrange childcare so I can go and meet some friends for a couple of hours in a few weeks time (I mean, it's not like I am asking for much is it and it's not exactly short notice?!?)

Anyway, he finally admitted it was a deliberate stalling, because he knows that I'll "be discussing the probable end of our marriage instead of discussing how to save it". Well, it's not probable, it's definite - this has been spelt out to him. And this sounds like a guilt trip that I don't think there is anything to save, and trying to prevent me from seeing my friends to discuss it!?! SInce when has he ever cared about who is looking after the kids while he goes out with his friends?
I just wanted a couple of hours, away from this uncomfortable prison that should be home, but isn't because I am still sharing it with the man who is married to alcohol instead of his wife and family! It makes me not want to make arrangements to do anything ever (so his plan is working), he makes everything so difficult. All this just reinforces my reasons for wanting out, but it's just so exhausting trying to detach yet keep my sanity and some semblance of normality for DS when I am losing my mind

(Rant over - for now).

mammynowanauntyIRL Sounds like you still need to go to mediation, this little arrangement he has suggested sounds like it could trap you into something you don't want. Would he be staying that close long term yet leaving you with all the responsibility of the DC and the bills etc while he watches from close by!? Hmmm doesn't sound like a robust plan to me. One last family function ticked off though - you will get there

needyourlovingtouch Sounds like a better situation for now, with some space to prepare for whatever comes next?

@Tiddleypops @mammynowanauntyIRL - same here re improved behaviour. Doing things round the house and with the kids. Why couldn't he be like that before?? He was also talking about us taking a few days off together the idea leaves me cold.

@needyourlovingtouch - how did you negotiate the separate rooms? It would be something if I could have that, though there would still be the evenings.

We're starting Relate this week. Maybe that's why he's acting like everything is OK. I feel like I have to give it a go. But I bet he'll rewrite everything and dismiss what I say, like he's always doing. Hoping the therapist doesn't fall for his s**t.

Yes I'm looking for inspiration on how to instigate the sleeping in separate rooms thing!

@tiddleypops do you have a spare room? Move into it!

H went to spare room voluntarily as he was using it as a form of emotional abuse thinking he was upsetting me by staying there instead of in our bed but when I said our marriage is over, he was already in the spare room so there was no change to make

Ha, these men have such similar traits! Last year H slept in the spare room throughout summer, and eventually he said it was because he wanted me to be upset and ask him to come back! It sounds pretty much the same as your H!!

H has never admitted that was the reason but it would always follow an explosion of temper and a fight or me not doing something the way he wished it to be done.

@namechanged77 didn't exactly negotiate- more locked the bedroom door! Since then he has got the message. Honestly we have been getting on much better since we have our own space and I have expected less (in terms of his affection both emotionally and sexually). I am less disappointed as I accept the relationship for what it is rather than what I wish it would be. I can't force him to change, that initiative has to come from him.

Im trying to be positive- we have a small mortgage, lovely daughter, live in a nice place and both have good albeit stressful jobs. Maybe divorcing would just make everyone's lives so much harder. Then again maybe this is just a good patch.