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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes

999 replies

Onlymeeeeee · 18/02/2018 19:13

Just as the title really, specifically looking for other people who initiated the process, not because there is anyone else, but because they cannot stay with the stbex.

OP posts:
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7
SianRunner · 14/04/2018 10:06

I think this thread has just stopped me in my tracks from making the biggest mistake of my life.

This resonates: I had a particular incident that opened my eyes and then there was no going back, in fact it made me see many previous things in a different light.

DP lives with me half the week at present (well he did until recently) and the plan was for that to become full-time and he asked me to marry him.

But he's like so many of the men mentioned on here. And now he thinks - as of yesterday, in a text - the thing that he did isn't worth breaking up over. Whereas I think it's probably, on Planet Normal, on the unforgivable scale.

Helpnow1 · 14/04/2018 10:07

@Vanillarose I gave one main reason but described it and explained how that caused problems in many areas of the marriage. Only 2 actual examples and these were dated - one was the one that has most affected me (as the wording on the form suggests). My H won't like it but he knows it is all true and I haven't bothered putting a lot of things that are horrible about him, because those things are not why I can't stay married to him x

Helpnow1 · 14/04/2018 10:11

@SianRunner I posted that. If you would like to pm me please do, as it may be too 'outing' to go into details on here? If I can help anyone avoid what I have had, I would love to. I am glad I met him only because of my DCs. Do you have any? Flowers

SianRunner · 14/04/2018 10:28

Helpnow1 I don't mind saying on here. I've changed my name recently anyway (but if anyone does think they recognise please be discreet).

Background is we've both been married before, with young adult DC.

I had a total hysterectomy and ovaries removed in March. It was and is a big deal to me, and obviously it takes a bit of recovering from. Ten days post-surgery 'D'P picked a fight with my DS(19) who was home from university, stormed out back home, leaving his coat but taking his cans of lager with him and hasn't been back since. It's been over two weeks.

I've had plenty of passive aggressive, and insulting, texts from him though. He's called my son an 'idiot' and a 'lier' (you'd think he'd learn to spell a word he bandies about so liberally ffs.)

He ruined Chistmas with moods, he's ruined Easter, has made my recovery from major surgery into something 'all about him', and now thinks we just forget it and move on.

He hides begind texting all the time.

I had to turn up at his house unexpectedly to swap our keys back (few days ago), and he was all hang-dog then. But the texts started again that evening - probably after more beers.

No my son and I aren't perfect - but the futures described on this thread aren't what I want.

Sorry that's so long. Cathartic though.

Helpnow1 · 14/04/2018 14:13

@SianRunner he sounds utterly awful. Completely self-centred. I don't know him, obviously, and he must have his good side, but what you're describing is vile. You and your son deserve better lives! I know I'm oversensitive because of my own situation but... I'd say run for the hills xxx

SianRunner · 14/04/2018 14:21

It's the old chestnut, @Helpnow1, he's great when he's sober. The drinking has taken over this past year and a half.

Helpnow1 · 14/04/2018 14:33

@SianRunner he could change, maybe, but do you want him enough to risk it and to go through all the hard times to get there?

If you have a trusted friend in real life could you talk about it? I feel wary of saying do this, do that as I don't know you both and am pretty raw myself!

I do know that you can't change someone else - I always felt that if I just explained better, he would get it. Didn't realize that he was actually not on the same wavelength at all, ie he wasn't trying to get things in harmony together, he was trying to get things how HE wanted them ☹️

SianRunner · 14/04/2018 14:40

I'm exhausted, tbh. And this thread has really opened my eyes. Thank you.

Helpnow1 · 14/04/2018 14:58

@SianRunner I wish you well xx

needyourlovingtouch · 15/04/2018 16:11

So I was naughty and just checked husbands iPhone history ( he doesn't even know you can do this) and he has been browsing 2 bed properties on rightmove. Would be sooo so much easier if he just left. We have a small mortgage left (and it's in my name alone although he is on the deeds) which I could probably manage alone although have been spoilt as he has been paying it. Maybe I should encourage him moving out. He would have to rent though which he would hate.

DrMumMum · 15/04/2018 16:15

Tiddlypops and Unravelling, it's so infuriating isn't it?! My H has been on the garden all day. He has spent a fortune on garden lights and apparently he has a garden bench being delivered tonight. This will make it much more difficult to proceed with the separation as I'll feel like a mega bitch asking him to go again now he's done all this.

It's made me feel very low today. I've been trying to hide away so I can at least have a good old sob but that's not easy with a 2 year old! I hate weekends.

Helpnow1 · 15/04/2018 16:24

@needyourlovingtouch hey, yes, maybe that's a good sign. Do you think he is looking at them for him to buy then?

@DrMumMum his dumb choice to do it! Don't let him use it to stop you (easy for me to say, though, I know). I agree, weekends are hard. I was exactly the same today, could feel tears but had to keep on going, as i was with DS x

needyourlovingtouch · 15/04/2018 16:28

@Helpnow1 I would imagine just browsing as he can't get a mortgage easily at the moment (self employed) and would have to pay extra stamp duty if still married.... but the idea is in his head

UnRavellingFast · 15/04/2018 21:27

@DrMumMum I so know the feeling of hating weekends, had it for so many years. And trying not to cry when you need to 😢. Once your dc is in bed can you have a long bath and a good cry?

UnRavellingFast · 15/04/2018 21:29

Oh also my stbx used to change cars every time I was thinking of leaving (lease hire thing) like he could read my mind, so I felt I couldn't leave. But actually it's their choice to buy these things not ours. Thanks

UnRavellingFast · 15/04/2018 21:30

@needyourlovingtouch good sign though if he's been browsing!

Userchooser77 · 16/04/2018 09:45

@UnRavellingFast @DrMumMum - I'm with you on weekends too. It's the hardest time....

The last bad period ended at the end of Jan. But there was no acknowledgement of what had been wrong. He just changed.

It's happened before - and I've gone along with the 'good' times, let myself relax. I feel like I should this time too - for the DCs - it's just so hard!!

And today we're both at home - so I don't even have the DCs here!!! It happens fairly regularly, and I'm running out of things to pop into town for...Confused

UnRavellingFast · 16/04/2018 21:09

@Userchooser77 I know that feeling! Become a gym bunny? (You could just read and drink coffee at gym!)

mammynowanauntyIRL · 18/04/2018 14:48

Moving on to the next stage of this separation journey.

Will be called for mediation starting in May, this is when it'll really get real for H.
First problem will be it's in middle of working day so he'll have to arrange work around it, which is difficult or take half days.

Second problem - he doesn't actually believe this is happening
Third problem - he has a wild notion about money he spent years ago prior to us building being my responsibility to pay back
Fourth problem - he won't be able to afford to buy me out and I don't want to buy him out
Fifth - will he even participate in mediation Hmm
It's going to be a harrowing few weeks I think

Helpnow1 · 18/04/2018 21:03

@mammynowanauntyIRL like your new name!
That all sounds grim, hope it goes better than you expect. You're on your way to a new life and that's one more step there - remember that. Best of luck xx

mammynowanauntyIRL · 18/04/2018 21:22

Thanks @Helpnow1 my friend has her divorce hearing tomo, hope it goes well for her

Borris · 19/04/2018 11:43

Hello everyone. I’m back 😀. Had a really busy few days just moving my final things over into my new house

Of course we had a stand off. He was away on hol with dd so I thought perfect time to do it with minimal disruption to dd. I kindly sent him a list of what I was taking so it wasn’t a shock.

Honestly considering we had a large marital home it was next to nothing. I took nothing from lounge, dining room or kitchen. Basically wanted spare double bed (bought and assembled by me) one single bed for dd (bought and assembled by my dad) a couple of spare sets of drawers and the telly and stand (bought by me)

He graciously said I could take my clothes 🙄 and the drawers but not the beds or tv. Bearing in mind I was leaving him a double and single.

In the end I took the beds. Actually left the double mattress as it was damp and mildewy 😹 and have given him 4w to find replacement tv. Have even offered to deliver replacement the day I take mine.

Then he refused to give me more than 1 school uniform dress. So I’ve bought more.

It’s just soooooo exhausting.

But so tranquil in my house.

iamthrough · 19/04/2018 12:42

@mammynowanauntyIRL. Here's what I think re your problems:
Problem 1 - not your problem
Problem 2 - not your problem
Problem 3 - this is what mediation is for - to resolve these issues
Problem 4 - again - mediation is a platform you can express what you DO want to achieve - and again not your problem
Problem 5 - Well - if he doesn't participate as far as I know it then looks better on you if things progress to court (that you've tried and he hasn't) so again - not your problem.

I know it's not as simple as this sounds - but really we all need to start focussing on us - and not what we think our STBX's will do/say/think

@borris - that sounds wonderful that you have your own place - well done and hope you are enjoying every minute. Some way away from that myself but staying positive that it will happen at some point!!

mammynowanauntyIRL · 19/04/2018 12:52

borris
Where does he get off saying you could take your clothes ? Confused
How did you decide what to take or was it on a basis of who bought what? I read somewhere that unless it's valuable or extremely sentimental it's not worth fighting over and just to buy when you can again.

I look around my home now though and there are things and I think, that would be really useful to me in my new home, but again it depends on what happens with our own house I guess.

I've decided that we'll get two of each type of uniform for the dc as they're generic and inexpensive and I don't want the children to have to be bringing spare clothes in their school bags. This way, we'll be responsible for our own sets and there will be no confusion.

I've a picture of how things will work out in my own head but am open to anything H suggests in mediation that's rational/reasonable/will work better for dc or be more harmonious.

But you've that stage done now so it's another stage out of the way, good idea to itemise so he can't come back afterwards with how come you took x, y or z

mammynowanauntyIRL · 19/04/2018 12:58

@iamthrough your username is so like the expression I used telling H it was over. I said 'I'm done', meaning done with him, done with our marriage, done with fighting, done with pretending, done with trying, just done.

I do know that none of those things are my problem but that they are a barrier to this process happening quickly and us progressing to the stage of living separately. I'm fully prepared to go down the legal route if I have to but financially and practically for us and the children it's better if mediation works out.

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