Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes

[Onlymeeeeee]

Just as the title really, specifically looking for other people who initiated the process, not because there is anyone else, but because they cannot stay with the stbex.

Can I join please? In the very early stages of separation. In fact separated today having being married only 4 years. I've fallen out of love with him. Its not his fault but I stopped being his wife & started being his mother & he needed me rather than wanted me. Just became too much. I feel bad because I don't want to hurt him & he's fragile, but I'm falling apart.

@coconutgal welcome to the gang. Does he understand why you don't want to be with him? My reasons are similar to yours - definitely the mother thing that got very annoying. I'm 4 months into my separation and I'm afraid my ex is still no better than he was on day 1 really. Cries all the time and mood changes frequently. I just know I have to go forward because the pain of going back forever is worse.

Welcome Coconut. Well done on taking the tough decision. I hope you're managing to keep the guilty feelings at bay. They really are the worst. Keep on keeping on! This is a great thread if you need to vent.

So......a week after deciding to seperate (instigated by me) my husband has now told me that everything will be OK and that he will change (despite blaming me initially). He is telling me he's depressed and has apparently seen the GP this afternoon. He's now carrying on as normal and isn't looking for a place anymore. I'm shocked. I don't know what to do. It's like I have to pluck up the courage to confront him and finish things all over again. I can't stand it. It took me over two years to be brave enough to have the conversation last week. I'm now in limbo and at a loss to what to do. Had anyone else's partner tried this? I really don't know WTF is going on!!

@onlymeee Thank you for the advice. This is the best thing to do, I know. I never wanted to do that as both of us had worked before in the police environment. Even now I can see that I am trying to make excuses not to deal with this properly...My H is behaving as normal at the moment. He thinks all is ok. He is for a shock next week...I have called our mortgage provider to get some information to plan ahead.

@coconutgal. You are very brave and I admire you. You are doing the right thing. The longer you are with someone the stronger the bond, the tougher decision to make to leave. I met H almost 25 y ago, I am now 41. I have known him all my adult life. Starting all over again is just scary. I think we all see these man how upset they are, depressed, lost etc. Do they ever think that we feel the same??? Most of us here will be in a more difficult situation after the divorce then them. We will have to raise our kids and be very very picky as to who we chose for our next partner. Most of them find a new woman afterwards quite quickly!

@Helpnow1 baby girl arrived this morning, healthy & happy 😃

@monalisa21 I've not rung mortgage provider yet to find out what the procedure is, free legal advice advised me to wait until mediation for that because of children and other property. Not that it's a bad thing for you to do just for me. I'm itching to do it and find out the procedure though.

@coconutgirl welcome

@mammymammyIRL that's great news! Thank you for telling me x

I haven't told H, sure when he enquires I will, I'm not sharing news willingly. He hasn't enquired about baby all week.

@mummymummy to be honest I still have no idea what I am doing about the divorce even after seeing a solicitor a few times. My H is not engaging at all, at least he had not been for 2 y until I spoke to him about 2 weeks ago. Everything I am doing it is like an undercover mission. He doesnt even know I want to propose to buy him out. We will have to face mediation at some point. Because he doent have a job talking about finances makes it so much more difficult. I am sure he thinks that it is all ok and I am just miserable cos he is not working and I don't want to divorce him. I behave semi normal with him cos I cannot face his angry outburst following the divorce chats, and if he storms our i have no help with kids when I am at work. Kids have been off school last 2.5 weeks....i know I have to sort out childcare eventually but not at 1 second notice. He has done that to me before and I could go to work.

Hello... Another member of the club

DrMumMum YES! I read your post after lurking for a few days and your description of your husband is very similar to mine and our current situation. My H is an alcoholic and is depressed. I've basically spent our entire marriage watching him p* everything away. We haven't built the home up together, we haven't built a future, I've parented single handedly for the most part.

So, after a lengthy amount of time deliberating, similar to you, I finally found the courage to tell him it was over... Cue him going into suicide threats for a couple of weeks... Then reverting to acting as though the conversation never happened. It took me another 2 months to pluck up the courage a second time - I hadn't been expecting to need to do it again so in some ways it was even harder, but at the same time, there was no going back this time and it was less unexpected on his part. (I just text him one day saying that we needed to talk after the DC were in bed - he never really acknowledged the text, but at that point I was committed!)
So, anyway, we had conversation number 2 - similar to the first but this time I felt I should say a bit more to make sure my decision really cemented in his head. However, now, HE'S the victim apparently!
He's depressed, he's suffering etc and I am not honouring my marriage vows by ending our marriage. He's told me he won't accept it. And the next day - you guessed it - it's like we never had the conversation!

I'm starting to realise I need to stop being nice, I need to toughen up and start being selfish. But it's not easy is it? This limbo is horrendous, but at least it's started

Hey all. Can I join? Need all the support I can get!

Filed for divorce from Ex in November 2016. This was after he was removed from the house for DV. It was traumatic at the time, but a blessing that we don't have to continue living together like a lot of you have to.

For the first 18 months of separation, ex reckoned he had changed, got counselling, sorted himself out etc. It was too little too late. It's irrelevant anyway, he hasn't changed.

He swung between declaring his undying love and begging for another chance, to being an asshole/ demanding money. All through this period, his children came very low in his list of priorities. It was all about getting back with me, or whatever distractions he had on the go.

Well, it seems to have all sunk in now (I think) but we haven't been in contact for weeks. He hasn't seen DD (4) for 7 weeks and only sees DS (14) sporadically. His current gripe is that he refuses to come to the house to pick up the kids to take them out. he says he will 'force' me to bring them into town to see him (he lives the other side of a large city.) So, DS can make his own way into the city and his own arrangements but I won't take DD into town. To add context, they have never stated overnight with him. He would come and take them out for the day once a week (at most) So, if I were to bring DD into town, I would have to hang around all day, then take her home.

He doesn't cover any of the holidays or any other responsibilities, just that one day (always at his own convenience) a week, at most.

I'm about to re-serve him with the divorce papers, already sent him a lawyer's letter, with form E etc. Already racked up £700 in lawyer's fees. He won't even come to the table reasonably. He demands that I sign a letter stating he'll get £300k + before he'll sign the divorce papers. I've told him that's not the way it works and I certainly don't have access to that amount of money (a figure he pulled out his arse.)

How do I push this forward reasonably?

Soopermum1 that sounds really tough, you are obviously incredibly resilient.

The whole 'I have changed' thing is a blame shifting exercise - as you say, it's irrelevant and untrue anyway.

I can't offer any advice on how you push things forward legally, it must be so horrendous for you. Perhaps you should be asking "How do I push this forward reasonably?" - he has not exactly been reasonable and is leading you a merry dance by the sounds of it. Don't let him get away with it (easier said than done, I know ).

He might get £300K if your joint assets at the moment are approaching a million although I suspect this isn't your situation.
I would suggest that talking through a plan with citizens advice or a women's charity would be good. Only £700 for solicitors, that's cheap (so far, unfortunately). Leave solicitors out until you have formulated a plan, and an alternative backup plan then take that to get the legal niceties and procedures done correctly. The usual MN 'ducks in a row', get all finance and paperwork neatly to hand and so on.

Thanks Tiddle Pops. The grasping demands are when he's being reasonable. He has said, on other occasions, that he refuses to divorce me.

I'm not too fussed about the divorce aspect as such, I can muddle along as I am, but interest rates are going up and my fixed mortgage has run out. I can't get a new one until he agrees to come off the old one.

I'll be applying for sole custody as we've muddled through with that, to date. When he has the kids he poisons their minds anyway, slagging me off and telling them I'm refusing him access. The teen is in therapy and hates me. DD tell me regularly she misses Daddy. It breaks my heart

There is a requirement that you should have at least one session of mediation before things progress too far. This requirement can be waived if there is a real threat of violence (for the meeting)although it could happen where you and he are in separate rooms and the mediator goes between. Working out a practical plan is important, even if it gets modified subsequently. Getting solicitors to 'think' for you costs serious money (you both lose). Although sounding cynical, solicitors may also tell you stuff to enlarge the case (they get paid more) so IF you can manage something like an amicable split (literal and financial) and just get solicitors to write it up neatly that will cost you least.

Outandabout. Joint assets nowhere near 1m

I've been advised I don't need to do mediation. I've tried to chivvy him along myself and I filed for the actual divorce myself to save money.

The starting point is exchanging E forms so I'm trying to get him to that stage. The lawyers letter has reminded him that I will divorce him and to get his head out of the sand.

I'm not engaging in ridiculous negotiations as they will waste my time and money and if I start off from an extremely high starting point I may end up losing more ifswim.

I need to get him to sign the papers, fill in the E form and we can go from there. If mediation looks like a good idea then, then I would consider it.

I've got a clear idea in my head of what I can borrow to give him now and also a clear goal (keep the house) which the lawyer thinks is do-able. Anything else is up for negotiation. I'm not looking to screw him over, but keeping a roof over the kids head is my main priority, especially as it is likely to be their only home (no shared custody)

I doubt he'll fight me for custody as he hasn't shown much of an interest since we split

Hi
As you would have been aware the starting point for a split is 50/50 but the housing of children takes precedent so you would get more in the region of 60/40 or 70/30. Once childrens's positions are 'settled' then an attempt at reasonable housing provision for both. You would obviously get the better portion.
We did a deal but she is currently withholding a sizeable chunk so I could be happier.
Good luck anyway.

@Vanillarose have you managed to complete your petition statement yet?!

Can I join this club? I’m 5 months after I binned him now and I’ve got to say it was still the right decision even with all the crap that is coming after. Luckily it was my house, so I simply chucked him out and changed the locks. Also I wasn’t married thank god as that would have been so much harder to untangle.

@DrMumMum yes I had that repeatedly too: pluck up courage to tell him I want a divorce, lots of drama and shouting from him then straight back to normal as though we'd never had the conversation and I had to grit my teeth and get the courage up again. In the end I just left and served the papers from living in another place but I see other friends who divorced and they had the conversation and then both sides moved on and stuff actually happened. It seems like ours are a breed apart I had to leave secretly otherwise I knew he would never let me go.

@Dunnoaboutthat very wise not to have married! I will never ever let anyone get in such a position of power over me again and that means never marrying again.

This is my first marriage so I have no idea how separation works. I'm bloody terrified. 😩

@helpnow1 I'm tackling it today as he is away with the children! Bizarrely, stbex seems to have had a bit of a break through in the past couple of days that it doesn't need to be spouses or enemies, there is the middle ground of friendship which is what I've been telling him over and over. Unfortunately my gut tells me that when I show him the completed petition that may go out of the window again. That's the trouble, isn't it? Walking on eggshells even when things seem OK!

What stage is yours at now?

@Vanillarose hopefully you will be able to get it finished in the peace and quiet today. I hope your STBXH stays friendly though it seems unlikely! Mine is being friendly - more than for months and months - except if I 'dare' to raise anything he doesn't like, when he is just as nasty as ever.

My solicitor is going to shorten my reasons statement but says otherwise it's fine, and she'll send the completed form to me this week to approve. I'm not going to show it to STBXH first although I'll tell him it's coming!!

Longing never to walk on eggshells again - so near and yet so far...

@Helpnow1 How many reasons did you give? Did they all have dates against them? I'm only asking because I'm doing my initial form myself! Will be a minefield because I will have to choose reasons that won't make him lose the plot!