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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes

999 replies

Onlymeeeeee · 18/02/2018 19:13

Just as the title really, specifically looking for other people who initiated the process, not because there is anyone else, but because they cannot stay with the stbex.

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7
Helpnow1 · 10/04/2018 21:56

@outabout that sounds a horrible situation and it must be very hard not to get any answers. I think sometimes that happens - the why?s are never resolved and the only thing to do is move on.

Helpnow1 · 10/04/2018 21:58

@mammymammyIRL was just finding the humour in a dark situation, not saying all men are the same, and I'm glad - she brightened my mood x

Helpnow1 · 10/04/2018 22:00

@UnRavellingFast you express yourself very well (and patiently and kindly) x

Helpnow1 · 10/04/2018 22:01

@needyourlovingtouch how are things today?

outabout · 10/04/2018 22:23

@Helpnow
Thanks. Although not religious when I promised to look after her forever when we married it sort of 'stuck'. For most things, and until recently when her health has deteriorated she was perfectly capable of doing everything independently if necessary with help 'optional' (obviously more fun to share activities) and I was and probably still am prepared to assist if possible. Both she and DC have a permanent invite to visit me as a 'holiday home' or stay as much as they want.

needyourlovingtouch · 10/04/2018 22:35

Well, whether it's wrong or right, I've completely culled communication to essentials. Funnily enough his communication hasn't changed which leads me to believe that it was me driving the marriage anyway. Was an experiment to see if he cared and so far, it seems not. Wonder how long this will go on for.

He looked after dd this morning and then I took her to the dentist followed by trip to supermarket. (He knew we were doing this and even gave me a list of things to buy). We then cooked supper and washed up. Whilst we were out he ended up going to another supermarket (buying many duplicates!) and then on to another town out of the way to get a library book he wanted. No problem with the library book but it seems selfish given the way he treats me if i suggest going anywhere slightly further drive or less convenient. Happy to do it for himself though. Haven't said anything as don't want to be a nag, but there were plenty of things that needed doing in the garden/house that didn't get done due to this and I'm back to work next week. If anyone interferes with 'his jobs' eg extra supermarket visit and library he gets sarcastic and nasty. Well done if you got to the end of the most boring post on mumsnet tonight. Good to get it out though.

needyourlovingtouch · 10/04/2018 22:37

Anyone on here got a partner who says 'I'm sorry but.....'
Why bother if there is a but. That isn't an apology!

Userchooser77 · 10/04/2018 22:41

@RoseMartha - Yes. I've just wanted him to deal with what I say!

@Helpnow1 - yes, Women's Aid have been brilliant. I was put on to them by another service (sorry to be vague but ensuring I don't identify). They've been really supportive and helpful.

(BTW - I know all men aren't the same. It's just that quite a few posters are reporting similar experiences!)

UnRavellingFast · 10/04/2018 22:49

@needyourlovingtouch I sympathise. I was always 'told off' for driving to the supermarket just down the road because of wasting petrol! Even though I earn my own money. Always some rod to beat us with eh.

@outabout you sound like you're very hurt and baffled. I guess if she's taken this decision it might be helpful for you to have some counselling support in accepting it and being the best dad you can be anyway despite your sadness. Sounds like you're doing that anyway. My ex actually dumped me years ago and it hurt like hell because I didn't understand it. In his case (not your ex's I'm sure) he was seeing someone else. We got back together because I thought I couldn't live without him. Turns out I can and I wish I had walked away then except I wouldn't have my lovely dcs if that had happened. Anyway I understand the pain when you can't see you've done anything wrong and still love them. In my current situation my ex had been abusive for years and can't face it so he can't move on. Very different to you I'm sure.

UnRavellingFast · 11/04/2018 00:18

@Helpnow1 thank you Smile

Userchooser77 · 11/04/2018 08:49

@needyourlovingtouch - OMG THAT!! There are so many times he's had a go about something that a) didn't matter any other time or b) he's done plenty of times. It's never really about the thing is it? You're absolutely right. It's just the latest stick...

BTW - I just read your post from last night (yes, did get to the end!!) Please keep venting. It's good to get it out.

PS - I realised I'm not really at the stage this thread is for, so apologies. But it's been nice to find others who understand. Xx

needyourlovingtouch · 11/04/2018 20:04

@Userchooser77 you say you aren't at the stage but I think we on here are all at slightly different personal stages. What we have in common is we are realising that our relationships are not what they should be. It may be that some of us divorce imminently, some maybe not for another decade and maybe some of us might just work it out (who knows?!) but at this stage we are supporting each other in this confused stage. X

Helpnow1 · 11/04/2018 23:38

@needyourlovingtouch hear! hear! I wanted to say something like that but couldn't have put it better. It's that support in the confusion and emotional rollercoaster that is so very helpful 🙂

Helpnow1 · 11/04/2018 23:46

@mammymammyIRL I know it's not what this thread is about, but really curious to know if you have a new baby niece/nephew yet! Grin

monalisa21 · 12/04/2018 00:16

@mummymummy You mentioned that your H threatened to commit suicide. Mine did several times, when he disepaired for whole night leaving me sick with worry. I know it was a blackmail but this is still really worrying me , what if he does that when I finally leave him. That's probably the only and the main reason why I am taking so so long to end the marriage.

UnRavellingFast · 12/04/2018 03:23

@monalisa21 me too same exactly. I mean I have now left but it's the one thing that makes me panicky and he holds me by a string on this and knows it, the fucker. I worry about the dcs massively wrt to this too. Once these manipulators sense it's their last hold on us they use it without compunction. Angry like that's going to make us love them again. Hmmit's like, 'yes dear I don't love you, respect or want you and I was desperately unhappy with you, but you manipulating me with suicide threats will get us happy and together again'. Ffs!

mammymammyIRL · 12/04/2018 06:01

@Helpnow1 me too I'm spying on my brothers WhatsApp all the time!
He hasn't been active since 8pm last night, so either his phone is dead or they've progressed to labour 

@monalisa21 it is but I read somewhere else to say to them in that moment, I'm calling for medical help for you what's your location, calling their bluff a bit and absolving you of neglect/responsibility if they aren't. I'm a bit toughened at the moment & would probably tell him he's like the boy who cried wolf I've heard that story so many times now!

Mine tries to engage me in drama where there's none. He was awaiting news on a car loan, told me yesterday the decision had been delayed, it transpires that it hadn't and even if it had it made no difference. He told them he needed it for Friday, he doesn't Hmm

Helpnow1 · 12/04/2018 08:47

@mammymammyIRL just have to wait then! Mine does the drama too, really boring!!!

outabout · 12/04/2018 08:50

I have had this 'self demise' thought before. The only person I told was my doctor. It was at a point of massive stress (divorce under way plus more) and combined with a strange painful illness taking a lot of painkillers. I have subsequently been divorced and only told the now EX recently. Life is now great and I only wish my body was 20 years younger as there is so much fun stuff to do.
You are not responsible for their actions so should not submit to 'blackmail'. The idea of calling for medical help for them sounds right.

mammymammyIRL · 12/04/2018 08:56

It's so annoying though, like I'm not engaging so why is he still bothering.

monalisa21 · 12/04/2018 09:58

@helpnow/mammymammy
The last time he did that, 3 weeks ago, I packed me and kids and and went to stay the night with a friend (never done that before). He was out that night but I discovered that he was active on Viber so still alive. If i only had family around I would have packed my bags probably earlier. I never wanted dc to feel scared, awkward etc as going to other people houses disturbing their lives is not my thing. With mine H I feel that maybe he could CAS; there is a history in the family... Also he is not been working and that must make him feel shit but I can no longer look after the 4 of us and don't mean it in a financial way. I think I have come a long way since Dec 2015 when I went to see a solicitor for the first time. Not feeling totally guilty about everything like then. I think I can do it. This Sun doing birthday party for my son and on Tue will be telling him (again!!!!) we need to sort out finances before the divorce. Sick with worry. Just extended my working hours to full time and as usual busy in spare time with my self employment commitments. Don't have time to even think of the next step.

outabout · 12/04/2018 10:01

@mammymammyIRL
I think that men don't think quite the same thoughts as women and odd bits come out from time to time.
Maybe a bit like having a shower then discovering later in the day bits of fluff in your belly button that you had missed.

Helpnow1 · 12/04/2018 10:19

@monalisa21 You sound very strong, in very difficult circumstances. It's very hard trying to keep life as normal and happy as possible for the DCs while all the sh*t is happening. I find getting through family social events/celebrations really awkward - all the more so as H is able to behave totally normally grrrr!

Helpnow1 · 12/04/2018 10:21

@outabout I'm sure you're right. Revolting but spot-on way to explain it! 🤮

Original poster
Onlymeeeeee · 12/04/2018 14:21

The usual advice on suicide threats is to call the non-emergency police number and report the threats and give last known location for a welfare check.
My stbExH hasn't threatened suicide for about 20 years but I have experienced the threats from another controlling man, not family, (can't give more details without outing myself)
I called the non-emergency service and lo and behold, an hour later had an email "apologising for the inconvenience but he wasn't serious".
Apparently the police called his landline, and when he hung up on them in panic, they went round. He was fine, but he won't be threatening me with "taking away his reasons for living" again.
He admitted to another person he thought i would give in to his demands if he told me he would otherwise kill himself, but I remembered what I'd read on here, put it into action, and called his bluff.
The police did want to know the exact words he'd used in his threat, so maybe take notes if he calls you?

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