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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes

999 replies

Onlymeeeeee · 18/02/2018 19:13

Just as the title really, specifically looking for other people who initiated the process, not because there is anyone else, but because they cannot stay with the stbex.

OP posts:
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7
needyourlovingtouch · 09/04/2018 20:32

Went and got a cup of tea but he is now reading in bed. I can't relax with him there, but I've made up my mind to stay quiet as surely it can't be as bad as the infuriating arguments. We went away as a family a few weeks back and he found a book in a cafe and spent the whole weekend reading it (while I was engaging with our dd and playing with her on the adventure playground).

UnRavellingFast · 10/04/2018 00:36

@Helpnow1 hi in answer to your previous question it was the same old stuff as the last few years- why do I rake up the past (because he asks me why I'm such a cold hearted bitch as to leave him) and then protesting how he's misunderstood and shouting a lot. It's nothing new. Just the same roundabout of ranting I've heard for years. I can recite it for him now I know I so well. He's really stuck psychologically but I'm no longer the person to put myself on the back burner and worry about him and give him all my emotional energy which just increases his demands iyswim.

UnRavellingFast · 10/04/2018 00:39

@Userchooser77 welcome if that's the right word haha! Sorry you're going through this. For me it was low level violence of speech (ranting) and occasionally action. I started posting on another thread here a few years ago and realised to my shock he was an abuser. Since then it's been trying to get the resolution and courage to leave but I've know for a long time I needed to. Good luck and keep posting. It helps!

UnRavellingFast · 10/04/2018 00:42

@needyourlovingtouch sorry you're feeling this. It's shit isn't it. My sanctuary was the bathroom while we still shared a room. Cushions book and often wine in there. I've become weirdly attached to my bathroom! Can you find a space that is yours? That helps a lot. Good luck.

Userchooser77 · 10/04/2018 08:23

Thanks for all the supportive messages. It does help to know there are others who understand.

I just feel like I'm going mad. He is a real Jeckyll & Hyde - and he's being fine at the moment, could be for months. But I can't forget the bad stuff.

So I'm living this double life where I'm getting advice and putting my ducks in a row in case it all blows up ... but also living a "normal " life with him and our DCs. We even booked our holiday.

But he MUST realise something's wrong - I am finding all sorts of ways not to spend any time together. We're waiting for our Relate sessions to start, and I'm waiting for those really - don't see any point trying to talk to him without a referee!

mammymammyIRL · 10/04/2018 09:37

@userchooser77 is relate with a view to resolving things or separating? We're waiting on mediation to sort out the separation although I think H still is hopeful that I'll snap out of this current phase and go back to being a put up and shut up wife Hmm

I am similiar to @unravellingfast I've post on a thread here for years and occasionally one of the other posters would ask when are you going to LTB and I didn't know why they were saying that, sure isn't he ok maybe 50% of the time but I'd a lightbulb moment about 6 weeks ago now and I'm completely done with our marriage now.

H tried the suicide threat about 10.5 years ago and I said it to his son at the time as I was so worried and he said 'is he at that shit again?' and went back to the party he was attending. I'm only waiting for that idle threat to come up this time around.

Userchooser77 · 10/04/2018 10:18

@mammymammyIRL - Relate is partly because it's such a big thing to give up on - for the DCs too. Also in case having someone else there helps.

I have been advised counselling doesn't tend to work with men like him. But I think he'd use it against me if we didn't go.

And sometimes I wonder if it's not just easier to keep going as we are. I'm not happy, but the DCs have their family together - and I'm there when he is difficult with them.

Right now I can't imagine having them go stay with him. He's not violent but can be v moody and unnecessarily angry with them.

mammymammyIRL · 10/04/2018 10:44

I thought that initially about staying for the dc, two years ago when H had his most violent outburst against me.

He attended weekly counselling since, well he took the money weekly from our joint account whether he went or not I'm unsure, he certainly hasn't taken the money out since I told him we were finished.

The last outburst which made me decide enough was enough proved to me that a leopard doesn't change his spots and the only difference has been the frequency of the outbursts/episodes.

He also gets unnecessarily angry with them and dd is a very sensitive soul whereas ds is toughened towards it despite being only 4.

He wouldn't hurt them physically though of that I'm confident.

I've read online about people like our H's getting the counsellors onside and you look like the unreasonable party too.

For me I know that me being a shadow of myself and H dictating how I and they live their lives is not the example I want to set for my children anymore. Hopefully he can be a good father to them when they are in his care.

Helpnow1 · 10/04/2018 12:56

Hi again all, reading your latest posts is weird as I could have written so much the same! It's depressing how common this seems - although it would be on here I suppose!
I'm trying to write my divorce petition unreasonable behaviour statement ATM - i really want to get it done but have been putting it off as I find it so hard to try to get down on paper the insidious behaviour to represent it really clearly. So far it is far too long!

Helpnow1 · 10/04/2018 12:58

Plus resurrecting things in my mind that I never want to re-live is very difficult, especially as I am at last feeling like there is an end in sight Grin

Vanillarose · 10/04/2018 13:24

@helpnow1 I'm at exactly the same stage! Have printed the divorce papers and hid them in a drawer! Trying to come up with unreasonable behaviour statements that won't send him into a rage or a passive aggressive strop.

Helpnow1 · 10/04/2018 13:33

@Vanillarose yes, it's daunting isn't it. I've just sent first draft off to solicitor, so I'll wait and see what she says. I'm dreading him receiving it though it's all true!

Helpnow1 · 10/04/2018 13:34

He has told me several times recently that he has always been nice to me Confused

Userchooser77 · 10/04/2018 15:36

I reckon they think they ARE being nice - if mine's anything to go by they are completely self-centred and unable to see things from anyone else's point of view.

Sure we've all wasted many hours trying to work out how to get through to them. Increasingly think it's just not possible...

Helpnow1 · 10/04/2018 16:44

@Userchooser77 your H sounds just like mine. But he's really not nice - from anyone's point of view - when we are arguing and he isn't getting his way. But he seems to think that totally goes away afterwards. He doesn't seem to understand that it has a permanent, cumulative effect on me.

Userchooser77 · 10/04/2018 17:00

My God @Helpnow1 - we are with the same man!! During a row he never admits being at fault - always comes back with 'you're not perfect, you did x, y, z...)' - I know I'm not, but I'd like him to take responsibility for his actions. Then afterwards - it's as if it never happened. No apology, nothing. And if I mention anything - because it's not resolved - he just won't engage.

He's the life and soul in a group - and very attentive to me. But the Women's Aid said that's classic behaviour for an emotional abuser.

mammymammyIRL · 10/04/2018 17:04

We're all married to the same man, he's a bigamist GrinGrinGrin
no wonder he's so tired and narky all the time trying to keep us all unhappy GrinGrinGrin

outabout · 10/04/2018 17:31

What is even more weird is that apparently all women are the same and have the same script.

Helpnow1 · 10/04/2018 19:13

Oh @mammymammyIRL you did make me laugh! 😀
I could do with it as I'm struggling again about how some of my family are being - at the moment I'm not really coping and would really like to feel their loyalty fully.

Helpnow1 · 10/04/2018 19:15

@Userchooser77 did you find women's aid helpful?

@outabout what do you mean?

mammymammyIRL · 10/04/2018 19:33

Glad to help!

outabout · 10/04/2018 19:51

@helpnow1.
Sorry, just a badly expressed comment that all men are not the same in the way that all women are not the same. Taken as a whole both have representatives of a 'good' and 'bad' nature.
Personally struggling with the logic in that 'I have changed' (apparently) but the next sentence I am told that I never change.

UnRavellingFast · 10/04/2018 20:54

@outabout Please do join in if you're suffering- we're kind and good listeners here. But please leave the snark at the door we're nice to each other here.

This thread is about a specific problem of OHs who refuse to accept it's over. Male or female! This being Mumsnet it's pretty much female but we would welcome input from a man in same boat! No one in their right mind believes all men are the same or all women. But with this being a kind of emotionally abusive psychological profile the OHs seem to read from the same script.

Also earlier you mentioned your wife's problem became worse at the menopause. Often it's not so much the menopause but mid life reassessment that causes people -male and female - to decide if they want to continue being in an unhappy r/s. Not saying that's the case with your OH. But the menopause doesn't mean as much as you may think. Due to illness I had mine early in my thirties and didn't notice it apart from the convenience of not having periods for instance. I never told my ex because he has the habit of using my medical and family confidences against me when it suits him. When we broke up he thought it was because of the menopause. He was shocked when I told him that was long gone.

What problems are you facing? Is your OH refusing to divorce you too? You sound like you could do with being listened to. We're good listeners here.

RoseMartha · 10/04/2018 21:43

User chooser77 that sounds just like my stbex. Only two days ago was he spouting off abt me needing to take responsibility for something that was in actual fact him not taking responsibly for his actions and he twisted it to make it me at fault. And you are right there is never an apology from him and yes he is always quick to point out my faults and I never claimed to be perfect either. 🤗

outabout · 10/04/2018 21:50

@Unravelling
Sorry, apologies about any 'snark', it appears when I get frustrated, in this case the supposition that it is all too frequently men that 'cause the issue' when in reality it can be men or women.
I am already divorced, it was DW's idea. I am pretty sure I have several of the traits of Aspergers as I don't think quite the same as other people, but it is quite mild. I have done the online tests and read various books which list so many familiar themes. Unfortunately this realisation only came after the 'fan was already full' although I was quite often referred to as 'not normal', may be accurate but not helpful. I have lost a woman I love and had been together for 30 years and a gorgeous daughter but I can't get the truth from anyone about what actually happened. Having read so many MN threads and comments about 'men' who are idle, don't help with the children or 'housework', OK I am not claiming to be superman but I was not idle (was a SAHD) and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Even projectile vomitting DC has a funny side (eventually). In many ways I am now in the 'best' position ever in terms of lifestyle and many would be really envious but for me I don't want to gloat as it would not be right. I was traveling recently and seeing elderly, mid retirement couples going on holiday and thinking that is what we should have been doing and crazily COULD have been doing.
Menopause, yes I know not the only problem but she had spoken of or exhibited at least 10 of the 'classic' symptoms but when I suggested this she went into a rage and said that ALL the issues were me. I don't buy the idea that a man can cause night sweats or hot flushes.
I left basically because I was told to, and given a list of things I would have to do to be 'worthy' many of which were near impossible.