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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes

999 replies

Onlymeeeeee · 18/02/2018 19:13

Just as the title really, specifically looking for other people who initiated the process, not because there is anyone else, but because they cannot stay with the stbex.

OP posts:
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Helpnow1 · 07/04/2018 12:04

Do any of you have any suggestions for how to help protect a DS (15) against emotional and verbal abuse? I mean the extremely subtle approach, not obvious arguing or nasty comments. Any online material, book, anything? Thank you x

needyourlovingtouch · 07/04/2018 19:22

Hello everyone. I'm new here. Have ended up here because I feel I have no choice but to divorce my husband. He just doesn't get this or believe me. The reason is he is so emotionally unavailable, says he only needs sex once a month and is so snappy. I can say anything without him responding passive aggressive or sarcastic. However recently he has developed more anger and has lost his temper and sworn. I don't want to waste the rest of my life unhappy. I have a dd. No idea how to go about the process though. We have a house which is too big so I suppose it would have to be sold.

monalisa21 · 07/04/2018 23:10

Until recently I thought that I must be the only one with stbex who refuses to accept the reality and refuses to move out. It is so draining living under the same roof with a person who you you have no future with. How can they just be happy to continue for the rest of their lives living in a limbo??? I am waiting until my ds's birthday in a few days and will approach the subject again then...Good luck everyone!

Helpnow1 · 08/04/2018 09:13

@monalisa21 you are certainly not the only one!! I can hardly bear it - H making his idea of nice conversation to show how nice he is being, but if I raise anything he doesn't like, being utterly horrible. Yes, it's draining and the only straw to grasp for comfort is the fact that now it is NOT our whole future! Flowers

Helpnow1 · 08/04/2018 09:18

@needyourlovingtouch welcoming hugs to you. I would suggest trying to think carefully through how things could work if you do break up - apologies if that sounds patronising, you're probably doing it anyway. If possible maybe see if you can see a solicitor to discuss financial options and child arrangements - I believe some offer a free first session. I hope you are feeling supported on here - I've found it so comforting - but also have someone in real life you can talk to xx

mammymammyIRL · 08/04/2018 09:54

Hi all hope weekend is going ok for people I find weekdays easier due to work and being out of the house.

Original poster
Onlymeeeeee · 08/04/2018 11:20

I'm still getting used to the peace and quiet as stbExH moved out 2 weeks ago. It's a revelation but last time he only stayed away two & half weeks so unfortunately i can't relax completely until we've been to court.

OP posts:
mammymammyIRL · 08/04/2018 11:36

@Onlymeeeeee I can't wait for when I don't dread the crunch of gravel as his car pulls in to house.

@monalisa21 also waiting for a dc birthday before starting full blown discussion

@needyourlovingtouch welcome, what do you want going forward, think we need to establish that after so long doing what suits them or doesn't antagonise them or set them off. I'm making a list

needyourlovingtouch · 08/04/2018 14:52

So hard knowing what to do. I doubtedly if we divorce I will be worse off financially etc but feel I’m only living a half life. Would much rather be single. I thought about moving out but someone on another post said if I move out of the family Home I might put myself in a worse position.

needyourlovingtouch · 08/04/2018 15:38

Somehow I think this will continue until my DD is secondary age. If I move out then I am at a disadvantage for divorce and he decided to work part time to do childcare a couple of days a week so he would claim he needs the family house. He also earns much more than me. He has the control. I don't understand how he can't see that splitting up would be healthier. He doesn't want sex (only admitted after ten years of marriage that he only needs it once a month but even then that was only when I initiated). Going 12 months without sex when you are married is sad to me and feels like such a rejection. He is emotionally closed up and angers easily. He complains about not having friends but he puts as much effort into friendships as he did into the marriage hence why he has no friends or has lost touch. He says he wants hobbies- as we don't have immediate family nearby I suggested that we take it in turns to do childcare on the weekend or even just Friday night so we can each have some own downtime but no, he doesn't want that. Seems to want us to go everywhere together. He's the sort of person who is so defensive and blames his daughter, his wife, other drivers.... it's never his fault. I hate it and am walking on eggshells. But I can't change him, the marriage could work but only if he would change from within. He was also saying he wanted another child but I have adamantly said no as it is completely the wrong thing to do. I think once dd is 11 I will get a job nearer to where I grew up and we will make the move. I suppose that's cowardly. In that time though I can prepare. Forewarned is forearmed.

outabout · 08/04/2018 16:26

@needyour
Just a thought which you can dismiss, but is there any possibility he has some traits of Aspergers? Whether yes or no it MIGHT be something to look at briefly. You could do an online 'test' filling in the answers as if you were him. Obviously not conclusive but it would only take 5 minutes and is free.
What you do after is obviously your choice but if he at least was OK and is not 'straying' it would be a shame not to have at least looked at the possibility.
I have it (at least a bit) and got on well for many years but as DW got around 50 things went downhill but according to her the menopause and the changes it brings were not the problem.

needyourlovingtouch · 08/04/2018 16:47

@outabout
Thank you for your thoughts, but no, that isn't a possibility here. Prior to getting married, I did have an autistic hf boyfriend. In some ways it was easier as he was so direct!

outabout · 08/04/2018 17:05

Thanks for commenting politely.

DrMumMum · 08/04/2018 17:55

Anyone else having a tough day today? My guilt chip is on overdrive as my H has suddenly taken to long drives, walks to the lake and staring into space. It was my decision to end things but they had been bad for a couple of years at least.

Those further down the line, how did you cope with the guilt? I'm feeling absolutely awful and my family are obviously so disappointed in me.

Hopefully this is just a blip but one thing I can't cope with is guilt. Fingers crossed for a good week for us all. Sorry to vent!

UnRavellingFast · 08/04/2018 19:00

@Helpnow1 it is very insidious isn't it, and being unable to explain makes us think we’re going mad. Regarding protecting your ds it’s hard to say because I feel so guilty I didn’t get out earlier so I don’t feel I am a good advisor, but being very open to them and explaining that it’s not ok for a grown up to behave like this (with specific recent examples) I think helps. It helped my ds in not feeling it was his inadequacy but something outside that he couldn’t control but could learn to push away.

@mammymammyIRL I know what you mean about weekends. I used to dread and hate them. The ea always got worse by Sunday and that was often the day for his giant blow ups and always the day for the few times he physically attacked me.

@DrMumMum mine does the lonesome sad guilt trip too. With mine I only have to initiate a grown up conversation about how we move forward and it’s back to screaming abuse so that stops the guilt in its tracks. There’s no doubt he does feel sad because I have removed his entire emotional venting system and that’s hard for an explosive controller. And I am a normal person who feels empathy so it works on me but I try and say to myself, if he wanted out, he would be gone years ago without a backwards glance, whilst blaming me and also, more importantly, why should my life be lost to being the toilet for a screwed up person’s unreasonable emotions? It took me many years of entrapped misery and desperation to achieve the distance to think like that though. I often feel I'm very porous and he's very invasive emotionally so splitting was like some massive conjoined type of emotional process.

Helpnow1 · 08/04/2018 21:23

@UnRavellingFast thank you. DS and I talk freely about nearly anything including the manipulative behaviour. I am just worried that it is so gradual and insidious but relentless that he will be affected!

UnRavellingFast · 09/04/2018 16:38

Oh god he is a nightmare. Just had him ranting for an hour before that phoning and texting me non stop until I would speak. I kept saying I can't talk and he just carries in shouting and chucking his drama at me without a break and never letting it finish. If I hang up I'm afraid he will kill himself because he keeps semi threatening.

Helpnow1 · 09/04/2018 18:26

@UnRavellingFast I hope you are feeling a little better now. What an absolute devil ☹️ You have been so brave to get away xxx

UnRavellingFast · 09/04/2018 18:53

@Helpnow1 thank youThanks

Helpnow1 · 09/04/2018 19:24

@UnRavellingFast what did he actually want to talk to you about?

Userchooser77 · 09/04/2018 19:42

New here. Hope not wrong to post as haven't spoken to H yet. But I'm not sure how much longer I can do this.

He's being OK at the moment - but for months he was awful to be with - not just my view... have had advice. I'm just not sure I can do it anymore. Too little too late.

I suppose my question to those further along with this is - what tipped you from thinking to doing?? At the moment it feels like we're living increasingly separate lives - but he acts as if everything is still hunky-dory... It's messing with my head.

needyourlovingtouch · 09/04/2018 20:06

He's just standing in the bedroom next to the bed looking at his phone in his boxers scratching his head. He repulses me. He asked me 'are you OK?' When I blatantly am not. He just doesn't get that I'm over and out of this marriage. I want him to leave the room but I can't say anything as he will just get passive aggressive and I don't have the energy.

Helpnow1 · 09/04/2018 20:20

@Userchooser77 welcome - I hope you find help and support on here.

I lurked for ages before I ever posted and even now I worry about putting on anything that could identify me.

I had a particular incident that opened my eyes and then there was no going back, in fact it made me see many previous things in a different light.

It was then a case of getting my mind round the fact that life was probably going to take a completely different path from what I'd always assumed, and getting used to that. Also, finding out practical information to be sure I could proceed, and when (because of DCs) and how.

Having started on the road to divorce, it is difficult yet exciting, but if you truly think your H may genuinely try to work with you to settle things, I'd have a conversation. Mine doesn't do discussion, that's the whole problem.

Very best of luck!x

Helpnow1 · 09/04/2018 20:24

@needyourlovingtouch That sounds awful. I know that feeling of revulsion and being worn out by the feeling of hopelessness - for me verging on hatred at the way he thinks he is never wrong and that he knows everything about me! when he understands nothing. Can you just leave the room?

Helpnow1 · 09/04/2018 20:24

Why do they all seem so similar?! Confused