Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Told husband it's over. He has no support.

524 replies

Tiddleypops · 11/02/2018 06:33

I have told my husband that our marriage is over.
He's an alcoholic and so I know this is the right step for me and our child.

The problem I now face, is that he is completely alone. He has no friends.
A while ago, after I begged him to speak to his mum about his issues, he finally did so apparently (he only told me this yesterday), but she she brushed it all off with a comment about him being a "daft sod".

I don't hate him, he has 3 children (2 from a previous relationship, and 1 between us). He needs support right now, and clearly it needs to be from someone other than me.
He said he has been having suicidal thoughts (he said he doesn't want to kill himself but he can't help the thoughts) and I'm terrified he'll act on them.

I really don't know what to do Sad I can't be with him, but I don't want him to have noone either Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiddleypops · 21/04/2019 10:14

nothing happening with the* divorce or legal wheels.

OP posts:
pointythings · 21/04/2019 11:28

Tiddleypops the waiting is the worst thing. It felt like forever from the time H finally sent in the acknowledgement of service to the moment we heard anything further - in fact the decree nisi was granted months before it would have been officially pronounced because things in Bury St Edmunds are in such a mess.

Once you get your nisi, things will move again.

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 21/04/2019 13:25

Yes, I'm finding that. H sent acknowledgement of service on 18th March. I chased last week and they were only dealing with AoS received on 15th Shock So haven't even been able to apply for nisi yet Sad
At least I can start working on the financial side of things in the meantime to occupy me - even though that might all change again if he loses his job.

We've had a fall out about this coming week. I have booked it off to spend time with DS, and H has made plans on one of the days.
Part of me thinks I should say no, this is my time (he had last week). The other part just thinks let it go this time, we're busy the other days. And next holidays, be prepared with a rota.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiddleypops · 30/04/2019 13:25

Decree nisi application is in the post Grin. It feels good to make progress, although it means I am back to waiting again now so I'll probably be frustrated again this time next week.

Financial things are still to sort, but I'm trying to be realistic about that. It will be ok.

He's had results from the cardiologist. It was all very bad news, not great prognosis (potentially). Of course he was probably told he must stop drinking immediately, but he's drinking more, not less (v predictable).
He's in lost puppy mode again.

One day at a time.....

OP posts:
Itsallchange · 30/04/2019 17:17

Awww @tiddleypops how bloody fantastic that things are moving along, it must be extremely tough with mixed emotions if he’s not well, but focus on you as you can only control your happiness. When did he post the AOS? And do you have a solicitor? My AOS will be going back tomorrow would be nice to have a timeframe to focus on for the next stage xx

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 30/04/2019 17:39

He posted it around 15th March.

I called to chase it on 25th April and they told me they had sent it out to my solicitor on 16th April, so based on that timescale, around 4 weeks.

Solicitor had not received it though so they sent again and it arrived yesterday 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiddleypops · 30/04/2019 17:43

Definitely concentrating on myself. I'm trying to be kind, but without getting myself involved at all.
Some days I'm better at it than others!

There's some possessive parenting going on which is really grating on me. I think I need to try and structure our time a bit more. H has the upper hand in one respect, in that he isn't working and never does anything so is ALWAYS there. I work full time and have other stuff to fit in. It feels a bit like the actual nuts and bolts of parenting are still falling to me, while H is taking up as much of DS free time with 'fun' stuff.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/04/2019 19:49

Roll on living separately! Is there any chance he will decide to apply to be resident parent?

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 30/04/2019 20:25

Living separately! Oh my, this has gone on so long, it feels like that will never happen 😂 One day though, in the not too distant future Grin

I don't think he would try to go for resident parent, he knows he'd lose that one. Who knows what will happen if he is not working, I'm preparing for there to be some drama if that happens.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/04/2019 20:29

I'm sure there'll be drama and puppy eyes!

KOKO Thanks

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 07/05/2019 10:43

Urgh, puppy eyes aplenty now. I can see his mental health on the serious decline all of a sudden.
I thought dealing him being angry was hard, but this, in many ways, is even harder! He's needy and clingy (again) and I'm trying so hard to remain detached, but our lives are still so intertwined, it's not always simple.

He's not allowed back to work (and the longer this goes on, the less and less likely it is that he will be able to go back at all), not only that, but they have picked up on the report that his heart issues are likely to be caused by excessive drinking, so that's been highlighted.

Of course the drinking is increasing, despite the fact that he's been told in no uncertain terms, that it is killing him Sad

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/05/2019 11:49
Thanks

He is an addict, you can't change that.

How long until you will be living separately?

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 07/05/2019 12:53

I don't know when he'll move out.
His hairbrained idea is that he'll buy a house, but that he do anything about that yet because we haven't agreed a settlement figure Hmm

Clearly buying a house is not going to be possible so he needs a new plan. I think this is probably something I need to raise again once we've agreed a settlement.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiddleypops · 07/05/2019 12:54

Oops, I meant *but that he can't do anything about that yet

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/05/2019 13:00

I think you need to push him to move out much more quickly, it is horrible for your DC to witness his decline and incredibly unfair on you.

Do you have enough income for him to rent a small flat/ room in a house share or something?

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 07/05/2019 14:13

He just won't go. I have tried previously but his take on it is 'why should I move out?'. His solicitor supports this and legally I can't do anything about it yet Sad

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/05/2019 14:17

Can you speak to NSPCC or SS about the threshold for an occupation letter on the grounds of his heavy drinking and the unhealthy environment that is for DS. I would worry about what he will witness if he is declining rapidly.

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 07/05/2019 14:31

He currently does not drink in front of DS. He drinks when DS has gone to bed every night until the small hours. But the way he is at the moment, it could potentially get worse quite quickly.
There is an invisible line he has yet to cross, like a self-imposed limit that he stays just the right side of. From listening to other people's experiences in Al-anon, once that line is crossed, then it generally rapidly goes downhill.

So yes, I think you might be right, speaking to SS would be a good course of action - even if it is just to say I want an idea of threshold for them becoming involved etc.
Although they would not get involved as things stand at the moment, at least it will be logged (hopefully!) that I have spoken to them, and this will all stack up as evidence if/when the poo does hit the fan later on Hmm

Thanks @RandomMess - H's current drama is drawing my focus away from where it should be, and you have helped to steer me back the right way Smile

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/05/2019 14:35

With his ill health I wonder if he could die at home in the not too distant future, just what impact that could have on you both Sad

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 07/05/2019 14:41

I do think that is entirely possible Sad Sometimes I see him getting quite stressed out - when his boss calls for updates or whatever. It has a visible physical effect on him.

OP posts:
pointythings · 07/05/2019 20:06

I second consulting SS. When my H was spiralling badly, a member of my support group who is a qualified social worker suggested pursuing an occupation order to protect our DDs. Telling him I wanted him to leave otherwise I would pursue this did get him moving somewhat.

It does sound like his health is going seriously downhill. Alcohol affects the heart and it was heart disease that killed my H. And I was so glad it didn't happen at home where the girls would have witnessed it. I hope you get advice that you can use and that leads to progress - I completely understand how powerless you must be feeling right now.

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 08/05/2019 05:58

Thank you @pointythings. I will call SS this week.

DS adores his daddy and has literally no idea that there's anything wrong. H is very clingy with him at times, I guess DS is the only thing he really has left (H has older children but they are off doing their own things now).
This makes me feel very anxious, it's hard to know where to place the boundaries Sad hopefully I'm getting it right-ish for now.

Anyway, just reflecting on how far I've come. DS and I went out to our new running group yesterday evening. We are healthy and thriving, mostly, despite everything that's happening.
Thank you for your ongoing support Flowers

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/05/2019 07:58

How old is DS?

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 08/05/2019 08:26

He's 5

OP posts:
pointythings · 30/05/2019 18:21

Hi Tiddley how are things going? I haven't seen you around for a while, hope you and DS are both OK. Flowers

Swipe left for the next trending thread