Told husband it's over. He has no support.

[Tiddleypops]

I have told my husband that our marriage is over.
He's an alcoholic and so I know this is the right step for me and our child.

The problem I now face, is that he is completely alone. He has no friends.
A while ago, after I begged him to speak to his mum about his issues, he finally did so apparently (he only told me this yesterday), but she she brushed it all off with a comment about him being a "daft sod".

I don't hate him, he has 3 children (2 from a previous relationship, and 1 between us). He needs support right now, and clearly it needs to be from someone other than me.
He said he has been having suicidal thoughts (he said he doesn't want to kill himself but he can't help the thoughts) and I'm terrified he'll act on them.

I really don't know what to do I can't be with him, but I don't want him to have noone either

Hi @pointythings, thanks for checking in.
Things are just slowly ticking along. Some days I feel like I'm being driven completely crazy with frustration that I'm still stuck in this house with him. I feel like I'll be stuck here forever. Other days I remember how far I've come and feel crazy ecstatically happy!

Decree nisi application went in a month ago, but they are way behind, so no movement there.
Financial proposal went to H's solicitor, but as his job situation is uncertain, there's no incentive for him to commit, so I can't even apply for the financial consent order which in turn will hold up the divorce. This all works quite nicely for an alcoholic who is still in denial about everything falling apart

On the flip side, I can see big changes in myself. Detachment is getting easier, I don't feel obliged to 'rescue' him from the situations he's facing at work and with his health. In fact I can completely see that giving him the freedom to figure things out for himself is by far the kindest thing I can do. That now feels right.

I'm making small plans here and there for me and DS and for the summer and not feeling guilty about it at all.

How about you? How are things settling down now? Do you think of your H often? How are the DDs, you mentioned one of them asking for counselling, I hope she is doing well

Your change of mindset is a huge development - well done for getting there so quickly. I know you've had to work at it, but it is by far the best thing for your sanity and wellbeing.

The paperwork will get done eventually. You'll be divorced eventually. And with your new detachment in place, the wait should be a bit easier to handle.

We are all well - referral for DD2 still not through, I need to chase it up - but I'm also chasing the NHS around for the joint pain she has, which has been getting worse.

And to add to it all, my mum died on the 4th of this month. Also alcohol related, and she was about to be sectioned, but though not unexpected it was still a shock. We're all dealing with that now, including another estate. I'm not the executor though - one of my cousins back in the Netherlands is.

At least I've found a redeployment post. Formally speaking I have a month's trial starting on the 10th of June. In practice they almost bit my arm off for me to take the job, so unless I fuck up spectacularly it should work. It's a year's fixed term, but a band higher and may extend. So still a lot on my plate, but we're OK.

Oh @pointythings, I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. I know it wasn't an easy relationship, but in some ways that complicates the grief - at least that's what I found when my mum died (she was an alcoholic also, and we weren't close). On the plus side, it's much easier to forgive her now she's not here to test me once again! I am sad for her too, but glad she is at peace.

Great news about your job. Good luck, I hope it goes well, it sounds promising and will hopefully lead on to something longer term

You have had a turbulent couple of years and yet you still keep going, focusing on the positive, dealing with the things you can. You are a huge inspiration pointy.
You're right, my new mindset really does help. Even when I'm feeling frustrated and down, I know that those feelings will pass and tomorrow will be a better day. One day closer to whatever shit storm is going to happen when he loses his job 😂 but one day closer to being able to separate myself physically from his alcoholism, and all the chaos and other pain that goes with it.

I don't go through life trying to be inspirational but if telling my story on here helps other people to get out, learn to detach, end up with better lives then it's bloody worth it.

I do feel sad about my mum. After she lost my dad, she basically spent the next 2+ years committing step by step suicide by alcohol and self-neglect. I never stopped loving her, but the relationship did become very difficult. My Dsis and I decided early on that I was going to be the 'bad daughter' and she was going to be the 'good daughter' because that way we could get the maximum results out of her in terms of her safety. So I was the one who shopped her to the police for driving without a license, and was honest with her about that. My Dsis was the one who emotionally manipulated her into allowing a care needs/capacity assessment. Any other method and she'd just say no to everything.

It was always going to end like this, though. At least now I really am in a position to move forward - just me and my girls. It feels good. That'll be you and your DS too.

That's so sad about your mum @pointythings I think alcoholism is horribly sad and tragic. It really is. I hope you have had a good week

I must confess I had to come here for a bit of a rant Things I am angry about in no particular order;

• Why the f* am I still having to live with my Ex. Why?! (I mean I know why, but seriously, I started this thread almost 18 months ago).
• FFS he is so unpredictable with money. I've had nothing towards the bills, and I'm skint. He's skint too, but off course he manages to buy beer (on his credit card no doubt, assuming it isn't yet maxed out).
• Solicitors! Argh!!! 30th April I signed the nisi application, yet somehow, I found out today, that my solicitor did not post it until 15th May?! He said it would go out that day!!!
• no word from H solicitors about finances, so to be honest no point worrying about nisi application anyway, it's going to take longer for the financial consent order to go through anyway and we're not even in a position to apply for it yet.
• did I mention being totally fed up with him being here. All. The. Bastard. Time. Always.
• tonight, when I can't in from work, he said he was going out shortly to see his mate (in the pub probably, with his non-existent money )... Yay! I thought. I can watch something on telly in my own funny room, hooray!.... An hour later, I had to ask if I'd misunderstood as he was still there. "oh, yeh sorry I was going to go out but now I'm not" Eh? He was a bit flustered to be honest, so no idea what that's all about. I really don't care, but I was gutted he didn't go out.
• arrrrrgh!!!
• all the waiting. Waiting. Waiting. And nothing at all happening.
• he's back in denial about this divorce even happening (who can blame him really, I mean it basically isn't happening, is it?!)

Sorry.... Really needed to offload 😂

Many many typos. Sorry, it's the rage

funny room = front room
can't in from work = came in from work

Oh another thing! (I actually think this is where the rage is from).
The way he's treating DS H just takes things too far with winding DS up, so DS gets upset and then of course gets told he's being a mardy little child. He was chucking little bits of ice cube at DS at the dinner table, and I could see DS was upset, but he was plastering on a daft fake smile because he knew H would have a dig at him if he whined about it. DS often acts the clown to trigger this reaction in H, but watching them tonight, I wonder if it's some kind of attention seeking behaviour from DS. Like he's trying to gain approval or something.
I don't know, I can't quite articulate what I mean because I'm not sure, but it has me wanting to tell H to ease off a bit and stop being cruel (in my opinion). I know I can't say anything because he'll claim it's just a bit of fun, that DS likes it because he acts up to it, and then go out of his way to be even more like that

I'm ashamed to say that it ended up with me being a bit less patient with DS than normal. What a mess.

Hi Tiddley, are you any further forward? I really hope so, and I'm sorry not to have replied sooner.

We've survived going over to clear mum's house and are going on holiday tomorrow. I'm a month into the new job and it's great. And sadly DD2 has been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, which is lifelong. But we're staying positive (easy to do with 2 weeks holiday on the horizon!)

Sending you divorce resolution vibes...

Hi @pointythings I didn't see this until just now, sorry about that!

I've had a couple of blows recently. I've just found out that the decree nisi application has been refused. Obviously the call centre can't actually tell me the reason, so I can't even begin to deal with that yet. I suspect the solicitor has made a paperwork cock up. Which I'll be charged for them remedying of course!

Also, I've had a very aggressive and threatening letter from H's solicitor basically telling me he wants X amount of money immediately and if I can't raise it, then I have to sell the house. He's also decided he needs to take some of my pension because it's worth a small amount more than his at the moment. It's all a very unfunny joke really because;

1. he wants the money to buy a house. He doesn't see why he should have to rent and has actually said this ... except I am not sure how the hell he thinks he's going to get a mortgage. He has been off work sick for a year, is likely to never go back to that job, and even if he managed to get a new job very quickly, the bank would take one look at his heart disease diagnosis and tell him where to go! Plus his ever increasing debts of course. Not my place to tell him this, I'll leave that to the bank manager. It will be my fault of course.

1. In mediation he agreed that me and DS should stay in the house and that he would have to wait a couple of years while I raise the funds, that stability for DS was the primary concern here. Well that soon went out the window along with all the other things agreed in mediation - WHICH HE INSISTED ON US DOING!!! He'd also stated in mediation that our pensions should be retained by ourselves and not split/shared at all.

Sorry for the essay, I am just feeling that the odds of everything are against me. I am doing ok in a practical sense, pushing forwards, doing all the things I can etc, but the waiting and neverending derailments are exhausting to have to keep navigating my way through only to find yet another dead end. Meanwhile he is behaving increasingly badly.
I am struggling to stay positive .

I am sorry to here about your DD's fibromyalgia diagnosis I know that you are, as a family, incredibly robust and will get through anything. But it seems to unfair after all you have been through. Sending strength

The nisi refusal is likely to be a fuckup - it's clear you have ample grounds for unreasonable behaviour. Can solicitor charge for correcting their mistakes? Mine never did, and they made several (fortunately all before the stage of submitting the application)

I'm sorry your H has turned so thoroughly nasty. It shouldn't be unexpected. As far as I know, he can't demand money from you up front - all money issues are part of the consent order. You may end up having to sell, but not to give him anything that hasn't been formally approved by a judge. Legally I doubt he has a leg to stand on there.

If you possibly can, ignore the pathetic demands. It's awful that he's backtracking on things agreed in mediation but again, not unexpected. What he wants and what he is likely to be awarded in court are likely to be very different things.

All you can do is KOKO, and come on here and have a good vent. Keep using @me, that way I get email notification that you've posted if I forget to check this section of the boards.

Thanks @pointythings, you're right, it is unpleasant but none of it is particularly surprising - after all my H is gold standard victim so in his head he can justify anything he likes.

A couple of weeks ago he was saying he has no one apart from me to talk to (about his job / health etc.). I had been lending a sympathetic ear and occasionally helping him to translate a medical letter. Well, now he doesn't even get that privilege anymore either. Nope, no way. He does not get to bully me out of my recovery, I'm doing too well to let him pull me back in, and if that means he now has no one at all to talk to, then he only has himself to blame. Conversely, my friendship circle has exploded, school mums, running group friends, socialising a bit more at work and I get to offload weekly at my Al-anon friends etc. His choice to do none of that.

I seriously wish he would fuck right off though. Hopefully the nisi thing will be sorted soon and my solicitor has put forward a request for information and prepared a counter proposal which he would struggle to get his solicitor to reject I think. Although from the length of her letters, I do wonder whether he thinks she's a therapist, she puts all sorts of mad stuff in which he must have insisted on - my solicitor thinks it's hilarious 😂

The victim complex is part of the disease, as I'm sure you know. My H was also very much the victim. They do it because if they abandon victimhood, they have to accept responsibility and step up, and they can't. I'm so glad your social circle has blossomed and that you have this support network around you. I had the same (still do) and my H had no-one - because he chose to isolate himself.

He will fuck off eventually. And you can bet his solicitor will be inwardly rolling her eyes every time he comes up with yet another bonkers thing to be put in a letter.

You are so right @pointythings, and thanks to support from here and Al-anon, I can see everything so much more clearly - that he has done this and that he has to blame everyone else for everything as the alternative is to have a good look at himself. I'm just so tired of it all, and the end gets ever further away. But it will come.

You're allowed to be tired. I remember the fatigue very well indeed. I remember recognising for the first time that what I was feeling for my H was contempt, and I didn't like it much - but it was real and it meant something. The fatigue came with that contempt. I was so weary of still being tied to this ball of self pity.

But you're right, the end will come. The sense of lightness is incredible. Hang on to that.

Hi @Tiddleypops, how are you doing? Still keeping my fingers crossed for you. PM me if you need a chat.

Hi @pointythings - nice to hear from you, I was just this morning thinking about PMing you!

Things are not much different. H is stalling big time on finances (of course he is, it is literally the only way he can exert control - plus his inherent total inertia etc of course) and the nisi debacle drags on. Hopefully it will be processed this time, I should ring to make sure they haven't lost the second copy of marriage certificate I have had to send .

The delays mean I have stopped looking forward to 'the future', because it keeps slipping ever further away and I daren't hope for when I might actually have him out of my home... But I suppose I make small changes and small steps all the time. It's hard hard work, but, as I was just thinking this morning, that's because it is worth it, and "the path of least resistance" which I always used to take at my own expense, is no longer my default

Money is the current issue. He's stopped contributing anything at all for our son, home, anything. This really gets me raging, and I can't easily leave him to his own consequences on this one because it would be a consequence for both me and DS too.

I feel stuck again and unsure what I can do about it this time.

How are you doing anyway? I hope you and DDs are doing ok?

I'm sorry your stbxh is being a dick about money. Sadly you will probably need to set the CMS on him - you can do this even if you are living in the same house. Are you claiming everything you can? Unfortunately UC isn't helpful here...

We are well. DD1 didn't get the A level results she wanted but had an unconditional offer so is off to her chosen uni on the 21st. DD2 is settling into 6th form and loves it. She's getting to grips with living with fibromyalgia too. At the moment I am also providing respite and informal fostering for one of the DDs' friends whose mum is struggling with MH problems - she becomes abusive on bad days and her DD is her carer, but there is no respite funding. At mine she gets a bed, food, a quiet place to do homework and some peace. I reckon this will be ongoing until she goes off to uni next year, but I'm happy to do it.

I've thought about CMS and it may come to it. It's tricky, because he is also racking up debts which he could decide to lumber me with half of - especially if he can see it as a(nother) punishment for "ruining his life" - and delay even further deliberately. It may not be worth it if I end up worse off in the long run. I'm mulling it over a bit and perhaps will include an interim thing in our financial agreement so he can't wriggle out of it. He has just heard though, that his employer is going to find him a non-safety-critical role so he should, after over a year off work, be back to some sort of work (for now) - that's one less excuse to not pay for anything.
Anyway one way or another, I think the way will become clearer if I wait a few weeks. I am coping financially.

I do find pleasure in every day though, even in the small things. I went for a short run before work today and stopped a while by a river just breathing in the moment and listening to the birds and river and right then, a heron came up out of nowhere and swooped by . A year ago I wouldn't have even gone for the run, let alone any of the rest of it.

I'm so glad you are doing well. It must be difficult for everyone that your daughter has fibromyalgia. It's good that she is adapting to it. As a unit you must be stronger than ever, it's so good that she has that. And it warmed my heart to here you are providing that space for your daughter's friend. What a lovely thing to do. And knowing how you have dealt with everything over the last couple of years, I know that it will be done just right. You can't fix all this for her, but my goodness, a bed and food and space are exactly what she needs to be able to look after her needs so that she can get through it herself. How amazing.

I felt very sad yesterday (which I wasn't worried about, it was just how I felt for a while - more progress!) and today I feel buoyed up and optimistic. Thank you @pointythings! I think I owe a deal of that to you 😊

I'm so glad to have brought you a little lightness of heart! Seriously, PM me any time. If there's one upside to my Mumsnet habit, it's that it sometimes puts me in a position to help people.

And living in the moment is probably a really good strategy for you know - it stops you getting overwhelmed by all the crap you're having to deal with. Coping with this kind of upheaval is like eating an elephant - you do it one bite at a time.

I had a bit of a low day yesterday because I found out my mum's house - the house I grew up in - had been put on the market. Seeing it on a Dutch property website was a bit of a shock. But today is better, and tomorrow we're doing some archery.

And I forgot to say - DD2 got epic GCSE results. Better than we had dared dream, including a 7 in maths and a 9 in English lang. This despite losing her dad, her gran and developing fibro. I have amazing kids.

You have a lot of amazing to look forward to as well. Never forget that.

Oh I'm so sorry to hear about your mum's house. Is it your sister who was looking after that side of things?

Hooray to DD2, she is made of something special! Well done to her! She is going to soar in whatever she does

It's my cousin who's handling the estate - my sister is also in the UK, and it has to be someone based in Holland. He's doing a grand job, is a canny businessman and has a lot of contacts so we are getting solicitor and accountancy service at mates' rates. It's just that seeing the house you grew up in for sale is a bit of a sobering thing.

And I am raging right now - we took our third teenager with us today because she didn't feel ready to go home. We had a good day, she felt able to go back after 3 nights here and carry on on working towards normal. Gets a text from her mum saying she can't come back because mum is having a man over. FFS this is why her DD doesn't feel safe in her own home, this never ending parade of 'boyfriends'! I know the mum has MH issues and is very unhappy, but she is so failing as a parent.

So she's staying with us tonight and coming Christmas shopping with us tomorrow, then we'll see. She has a family worker and it may be time to involve her again. I know i shouldn't be angry at the mum, but I am.

Wow. Just wow. How must that make anyone feel, especially a teenager. Poor girl. Definitely sounds like time to involve the family worker. The fact that she can't go home and even if she could, she wouldn't be safe is unreasonable. Not sure what sort of MH issues excuse that really.

Well, the upshot is that she is now staying over again tonight. Part of this is mum punishing her DD for having somewhere to go and using it, so I told her straight out that if it was OK for mum to throw her own child out for the night, it was also OK for her to choose to come to us and she shouldn't feel bad about it.

We're also having her girlfriend over - oddly enough the mum knows about the gf and is OKish with it, but gf's mum doesn't know and wouldn't be OK with it at all. But gf is 18 so has a lot more freedom.

How are things going this week with her @pointythings? I hope she is able to get some support other than you (although everything you are doing is obviously great for her and probably will save her sanity long term). How old is she? Is there any feasible way she can move out of home permanently? Not ideal, but staying with her mum does not sound ideal either.

I've been trying to get myself back on track. I think I've lost my way again, been feeling resentful and trapped. I'm wondering how long H can delay for? Another 2 weeks and still no reply to a request for a piece of information (my solicitor to his).
The delays in responding to my solicitor feel a lot like control and I suspect that is largely the case. He said things along the lines of, he wasn't willing for us to separate and it wasn't going to happen etc. Basically he said I wasn't allowed to split up with him, and although he couldn't stop me from starting the divorce process, he can stop it happening by just ignoring me...

The alternative would be court, but the fact is, we don't have anything worth going to court over Do I threaten it, knowing that he'll know it is a hollow threat? If we did go to court would it be taken into account that I have tried to come to an agreement and he has just ignored me?

Today I've emailed my solicitor to arrange a phone call to review. Struggling to get through it at the moment. His denial is being laid on thick with a trowel and being in the house with him (also a big Disney dad routine going on) it's really tough. Sick of it really!