Told husband it's over. He has no support.

[Tiddleypops]

I have told my husband that our marriage is over.
He's an alcoholic and so I know this is the right step for me and our child.

The problem I now face, is that he is completely alone. He has no friends.
A while ago, after I begged him to speak to his mum about his issues, he finally did so apparently (he only told me this yesterday), but she she brushed it all off with a comment about him being a "daft sod".

I don't hate him, he has 3 children (2 from a previous relationship, and 1 between us). He needs support right now, and clearly it needs to be from someone other than me.
He said he has been having suicidal thoughts (he said he doesn't want to kill himself but he can't help the thoughts) and I'm terrified he'll act on them.

I really don't know what to do I can't be with him, but I don't want him to have noone either

@jackanorytime huge hugs to you. Keep on moving on, keep on detaching. You haven't destroyed his life. He did that, but admitting to that would mean having to do something about it. Have you thought about Al-anon? I've really found that a massive help. The first time I went, someone said to me at the end "but this isn't about him, it's about you" and I'll never forget that moment. The day someone saw me as a real human and not as an extension of the alcoholic. I'd forgotten I existed before Al-anon.

We've been going to divorce mediation. He's been very much on the attack, and it's been truly awful. I couldn't eat much for most of last week. But the mediator handled him brilliantly. She put him back in his box and made it very clear that his expectations were grossly inflated. She put all the things that are HIS responsibility financially back onto him and pulled him up on his constant references to what HE wants with regard to DS, reminding him that it's about DS, not him.
He would not have taken any of that from me, but he had no choice with her.

His heart issues are apparently a big fuss about nothing and he continues to tell any one will listen, that he doesn't have a problem with his heart. I suspect he may lose his job over this 'non existent' heart condition. It is harder than I thought, watching him suffer the consequences of his problems. But equally it's a huge relief to not feel obliged to rush in and help. It just isn't my problem.

@Tiddleypops thank you for your response.
The level of denial is astounding don't you think?! At no point will my husband ever see his part in all this. Apparently I made him drink! I didn't love him enough. He doesn't get the bit where it's damn difficult trying to love someone in self destruct mode amongst everything else.

They're so manipulative. Every word. If it's not a lie coming out his mouth, it's some kind of manipulation. So exhausting.

I'm going to try and get to an Al-anon group this week. I have spoken to them on the phone and they were a great help.
For now, I'm just focusing on that future! X

jackanory oh, the 'you make me drink' defence. Yep, I had that from mine too. There was always a reason why he drank: he hated his job he wasn't getting enough sex (because the smell of stale booze in the bedroom is such an aphrodisiac!), the DDs were misbehaving (they weren't), his back hurt, he couldn't sleep, I nagged him. It was never ever his fault. He never ever had to make changes.

It is exhausting, but support groups for you will help you detach so that this kind of stuff doesn't have as much power over you. We get so tangled up with our alcoholics that we forget to look after ourselves. I remember the look on my H's face when I told him that I had nothing left to give him, that on my list of priorities there was the girls first, then me, then our friends and him a very distant fourth. This was after my rock bottom, which was finding empties in the bedroom. Being able to say it and mean it, without actually feeling anything but relief, was the moment when I started being able to free myself. You can do it too.

@jackanorytime, oh yes. Any reason to drink. Drink because it's a good day, because it's a bad day, because the day has a Y in it, and if they can pin the blame on someone willing to absorb it, then all the better. It is horribly sad.

Please do go to Al-anon. I went thanks to encouragement from here and knew I was in the right place when I got there. You will find that you hear people talking about your life almost, and just understand without you even having to say a word (and there is certainly no obligation to say anything).

I'm struggling a bit this week. H is losing his grip. His drinking had been greatly reduced over the last couple of months.
Until this week, and he's losing his control. This was always going to happen of course and I was under no illusion that the reduction would only be temporary. He seems to be suffering with his heart issues quite badly, and he's on half pay now having not been to work for months. The reality is that he probably won't go back, but he's in denial about that too. He is just living for a few hours in the evening when DS and I come home and then he's - I don't know - just sort of clingy, and it feels like there's no escape.

I've been optimistic that the divorce would be done by summer but the courts are horribly understaffed so I think I need to lower expectations on that, it still could be several months yet and he still believes that he's going to somehow be able to buy a house and therefore shouldn't have to move out until he gets his financial settlement

It's claustrophobic.

Oh, and he has no money for the household bills either. Thanks to spiralling credit card debts, child maintenance, the booze bill of course etc. On the one hand, this is his consequence, but how do I not suffer from this too? I have a spreadsheet keeping track of what he has (and hasn't) given me. I suppose I can take this out of his settlement. Doesn't help me much now though. Thankfully I'm managing financially, just about.

Fingers crossed things get moving for you soon. The cost of drinking to that extent is shocking - I worked out when my H was in his first rehab that he had been spending £3000 a year on alcohol just for him - and it was probably more, since I didn't know about the secret drinking he was doing on top of what he did openly. It's horrendous.

I hope you're keeping well, you can always pm me if you need to vent.

@pointythings I think my H was spending a similar amount (overtly anyway, undoubtedly more in reality, as you say).
He cut down drinking again after all this drama at work around his heart condition, but of course it's creeping up again.
I find that the wrecklessness of the alcoholism seeps into all aspects of life. Sometimes I swear, he is deliberately late for things, just so he can have a big dramatic rush at the last minute!
And he's paying for so much more than just booze on his credit cards. Once they are maxed out then I guess he'll resort to more drastic measures. I just hope we are divorced before then.

I'm very up and down. I realised after my big moan ⬆️ the other day, that in reality I'm just in a lull. I can't do anything more at the moment, waiting on divorce court, waiting on mediation notes, just trudging along. Which, yes, it's frustrating beyond belief - it sort of all felt a bit pointless since I've just ended up still stuck in this pit of doom! - but it IS all moving along and I definitely WILL get out. This time last year, even to have come this far seemed like an impossible dream..

Thank you for the offer, I'm sure I'll pm you at some point for a rant! I'm a bit worried my real life friends will get bored of me ha!

How are you all doing anyway? A much calmer summer to look forward to. It is so very sad though.

We are doing a lot better than this time last year, although DD2 has requested bereavement counselling and I'm in the process of arranging that for her. I'm also being made redundant and work are getting arsey about redeployment - matching me up with unsuitable admin jobs to avoid paying me off (I'm expensive, it's the NHS). But fuck it, if they push me I will just walk away - I can afford to.

Apart from that all is peaceful. DDs are working hard for their exams but we are having a week off in the Isle of Wight (just arrived today) and it's going to be great. The calm is something I'm still not taking for granted. Sometimes I still tear up when I hear DD2 sing in the shower.

Aww, it's good that DD was able to ask for that though. Her relationship with her father was complex, as is always the case with alcoholics, so I really hope she can work through that She has space and time to do so now, and she has you as a brilliant role model
Oh no re the job situation though! But it sounds like you will be ok. I feel these things often have a way of working themselves out in the end. So fingers crossed for you.

Things here are still in a bit of a lull. I'm just hoping I can apply for the nisi within the next week.
I'm struggling to keep boundaries. With H being off work for so long, he's effectively cut off all contact with the outside world. Me and DS are all he has and so he's just kind of there, all the time, like an over enthusiastic puppy. It's very difficult to resist him taking all the focus again. It's hard not to worry about all the spending on credit cards. I managed to keep busy and away from the house over the weekend, but the holidays are going to be tough.

I know how you feel about the holidays - that last Christmas in the lead up before I threw him out was the hardest thing He'd either be moping downstairs making puppy dog eyes of 'pity me' or he'd be upstairs drinking in bed. When DDs and I were invited for Boxing Day plus overnight at a friend's (H was specifically not invited), I agonised over whether or not I should go, given that he'd be hurt by not being invited. In the end I went because the girls needed the time away and it just emphasised the extent to which H had become a dark shadow in our lives.
.
I suspect in hindsight that incident triggered his threats to kill me the day after we got back. Even then he still didn't accept that he was the root cause of all his own problems.

Christ that sounds terrifying. Alcoholism really is a terrible illness. The distorted thinking and the damage it causes to the people close to the alcoholic is just devastating.

Your comment about that invite you had was timely too. Me and DS have been invited a family gathering at the weekend. It's really difficult every time something like this comes up for the reasons you've said. I put off 'asking permission' (I shouldn't have to ask permission, but that's what it feels like) for far too long and that usually makes it worse. Anyway, I did talk to him about it last night, and we're going

Good for you, I hope you have a good time

That's the right decision. A break from the atmosphere is worth so much and it will strengthen your resolve when you're in an environment where life is 'normal'.

Wow! @tiddleypops so thankful that I’ve come across your thread! I told my H on Valentine’s Day that we were through and I’d had enough. My H is an alcoholic and has a gambling problem. Your thread has been so useful to see the different phases we have been going through! My divorce is in process and he’s accepted it and also some agreement on the financial side, but god the mental abuse and also sexual harrasement is taking its toll! But your thread has given me courage and determination. I am slowly realising this is not my fault even though I made the decision to end things and that I will be ok. I saw a relate counsellor this week who suggested al-anon to me, I don’t think up until this week I accepted that actually the drinking was the big problem, and that I’d been playing it down for such a long time. But after monitoring his drinking I realised he is regularly drinking in access of 50 units a week, and in his last 11 days between night shifts he consumed 109 units! Save to say he has a drink problem that he doesn’t accept. I wish you all the best and will be following your journey through. Good luck 💐

Hi @Itsallchange, have a huge virtual hug
You've made the right decision. It's part of being with an alcoholic, or any kind of addict I guess, that we end up colluding with them in the minimising.

Good luck to you, definitely go to Al-anon, they'll help you to remember that it really is ok for you to put your own needs first. After all, the addicts needs are money for gambling and alcohol! Where's the sense in colluding/fruitlessly trying to fight that?

I am impatient for my new life. My H is having a tough time at the moment. I know he's very lonely, his health problems have a huge spotlight on them, he's half way through a divorce, he must be worried about losing his job. I do feel sad for him, but then I remind myself that he hasn't been to work since last summer and until recently he was still on full pay! . He could have really taken the opportunity to change his life, to attend AA meetings every day, to seek loads of support and build up new healthy habits etc. To save up for a deposit on a new house... But he hasn't.
It's massively liberating to be detached from that, but with him still being in the same house, having to push on with divorce, mediation etc, it takes a lot of energy to keep working on detaching.

@tiddleypops it’s so true, I’m finding it so difficult to not feel responsible for him feeling so sad, and I had a close family member actually tell me as such! We are still living together with our 4 children which is tough, but after seeing your post last night I decided that I’m all about living my best life no matter how long that takes. I’m very impatient in general so it’s so tough...but we will get there 💪🏻 It must be so hard with him being at home all the time so well done to you. Thanks for taking the time to reply I was shocked from your post how many people are or have been in the same situation x

@jackanorytime hope things are going ok for you too 💐

itsallchange the not wanting to believe it is a stage you have to go through. This is someone you love, someone you chose to share your life with - you want to be able to help. Realising that you can't is the hardest thing. Al-Anon will help you 'detach with love' and teach you that it's OK to look after yourself. It doesn't always lead to a couple splitting, but you have to be prepared for the possibility that it might - denial is strong in addicts and you can't 'make' them see the light.

Good luck and welcome to this little corner of MN where we know what it's like.

@pointythings thank you for the welcome, this journey is the hardest I’ve been through and we are well on the way to it being over, the divorce is in process and we’re almost agreed on the financial side, which I appreciate is a very priveledged position to be in given the circumstances. Today hasn’t been great he’s bombarded me with messages, and I suggested he seek help with the alcohol problem, his response nothing will help I’ve made him like this and I have a stone heart 😩😩 I seriously just want this to be over it’s amazing how much of an emotional rollercoaster each day can be!

And this is why you need support - because you need to learn that however much he blames you for his drinking, it isn't you fault. My H blamed me for his drinking too. It's what addicts do - it has to be someone else's fault because they can't face up to the fact that they are responsible for their own bad choices.

Makes total sense, he blames for absolutely everything! But I’ve realised he has a very addictive nature, drinking, gambling, sex 🙊 he’s trying to control me sexually because he has no other control over me. Thank you so much for everyone’s advice and support xx

Well, you've found your people. There are a shocking number of us on MN and out in the real world. Life with an addict means you need contact with real people who are in the same situation as you, because someone who isn't just can't understand. My mum asked me if I could just try being a bit kinder to my H, then he might not want to drink so much.... Fortunately my DSis gets it - her DP is an alcoholic in long term recovery. She was there for him because he admitted he had a problem and did something about it, and so she understands that I couldn't stay with my H because he did neither of those things.

to you all

@Itsallchange yep, I've been there. Everything is my fault. And I'm cold hearted.
Through going to Al-anon, I have realised that what had actually happened is that I had become very numb. It's very common. I was an empty shell.
I do hope you will go to a meeting to help you deal with things, you'll find so much that resonates, even though everyone has a different story on the surface, what's underneath is out of the same flippin text book!

Arrrgh boundaries are so difficult to maintain while we're in the same house.
The denial is back in full force with him. He's acting as though everything is totally normal now that the pressure is off a bit with nothing happening with he divorce or legal wheels.

I actually dreamt last night, that he'd paid someone to come and replace the curtains and yet he'd put a lock on the inside of DS room so he could lock them both in there and me outside. I think that all says a lot about the here and now!