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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Told husband it's over. He has no support.

524 replies

Tiddleypops · 11/02/2018 06:33

I have told my husband that our marriage is over.
He's an alcoholic and so I know this is the right step for me and our child.

The problem I now face, is that he is completely alone. He has no friends.
A while ago, after I begged him to speak to his mum about his issues, he finally did so apparently (he only told me this yesterday), but she she brushed it all off with a comment about him being a "daft sod".

I don't hate him, he has 3 children (2 from a previous relationship, and 1 between us). He needs support right now, and clearly it needs to be from someone other than me.
He said he has been having suicidal thoughts (he said he doesn't want to kill himself but he can't help the thoughts) and I'm terrified he'll act on them.

I really don't know what to do Sad I can't be with him, but I don't want him to have noone either Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiddleypops · 07/03/2019 15:30

You are right - of course Smile So much progress has been made. Hey if he's burying his head in the sand then that's up to him (see?!) Detachment is soooo much easier these days. I still have a tendency to over think things and I am still scared of confrontation with him.

We are having our second mediation session next week, so he will have to tell me by then whether he's had the petition or not. If he wanted to be shitty he could deny receiving it so I have to pay for it to be served. But hey; whatever.

Thanks @lovealab

OP posts:
pointythings · 08/03/2019 12:47

Detachment is good. Come on here to rant, keep a cool rational head in real life, play the long game. You will get through this..

Alcoholics are just very very hard to deal with.

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 09/03/2019 08:39

I will @pointythings, eventually! And I'm getting closer all the time.
I think I'm scared, it's a bit of an undefined fear, but comes from having to deal with someone unpredictable, excellent at denial, and desperate (also violent, in the past). I've grown used to trying to predict the future, avoid confrontation, control things to a point where the risks are reduced. Obviously breaking free from that is a brilliant thing, but it's scary!

I feel like he might contest the divorce, even if his solicitor says it's a stupid thing to do. It's the kind of thing he'd do to prove a point or 'out of principle' (a phrase he loves to use to justify seemingly bonkers decisions). I saw the paperwork yesterday, it was on its way to his solicitor.

OP posts:
pointythings · 09/03/2019 09:30

Does he even have the money to do that? It's tens of thousands of £££! Does he know how much it would cost? And that he would be liable for your costs if he loses, which he will do?

I do feel for you, my H was never violent to us ( but we have some damaged doors in the house and the window in what used to be our bedroom won't close properly). It must be terrifying.

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 09/03/2019 10:59

I just can't get my head around his mood this week. I was expecting a massive backlash from the reasons listed on the divorce petition, one of which was about his online dating profiles which he didn't know I knew about. He been sort of jolly, which is usually a good indication that he thinks he's on to a winner.
He hasn't been violent for 5 years, but I realise now that this is mostly down to me 'managing' him. He's threatened to hit his teenage son in the last 12 months though, so I know he's still capable of it.

OP posts:
pointythings · 09/03/2019 12:57

In many ways his reaction doesn't matter. He can contest and lose, or he can accept and deal. Your reasons cited as unreasonable behaviour are 100% valid and people are routinely granted divorces for much less. His solicitor will tell him as much. He may think he's on to a winner - who knows what's going on in that alcohol-addled brain? All you can do is keep taking the steps needed to get the divorce done. Beating yourself up over what he might be thinking is just playing into his hands.

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 09/03/2019 13:27

You're right @pointy. Someone else once said to me that there is no point trying to second guess an alcoholic. What will happen will happen whether or not I worry about it in advance.

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pointythings · 10/03/2019 20:47

Might I recommend you getting yourself a mindfulness app or going on a local mindfulness course if you haven't tried that already? It isn't woo. It absolutely saved my sanity over the past year. It helps with boundaries, it helps with self-preservation.

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 11/03/2019 06:13

@pointythings, I have been using a mindfulness app every now and then, and it has helped. I'm going to give it a bit more attention I think. I hadn't thought of doing a course, but just having a look now to see if there is anything locally, it's a really good idea, thank you.
I am feeling a lot calmer again today. I had got myself a bit wound up last week, which is where the mindfulness practice would help!! Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiddleypops · 12/03/2019 16:04

Deep breaths....

He got very angry in mediation. I don't think he made himself look good. I can't say I kept my cool perfectly, but I think I did pretty well under the circumstances. I'd love to know what the mediator really thinks of things. I noticed how carefully she managed him, it was impressive!

On the plus side, he agreed to not drink when he has DS overnight on his own. Not one drop. That is a very good result. Whether he can stick to it (or how long for) is obviously a different matter, but having it in writing that he has agreed that, is all I can do for now and it's right there in black and white.

Amount of access and financial stuff still to sort. It's exhausting.

I had to laugh when he produced a letter with a high valuation on the house, but not the letter he'd received with a lower amount. He didn't know I also had a copy of the lower amount letter, he didn't know that I knew about it. His face just fell when I pulled it out.

I think he'll still be angry for a while after this morning. An angry abusive alcoholic is not much fun to be around, that's for sure. But I think I did my best. Just need to keep plodding on.

He's seeing his solicitor about the divorce petition apparently. Clearly he disagrees with the reasons. I think he can agree to the divorce without necessarily accepting my reasons, so presumably that is what he'll be advised to do.

OP posts:
pointythings · 12/03/2019 17:10

Thing is, unless he's got £10k minimum to blow, he can't afford to contest. And you're right, he doesn't have to accept your reasons, he just has to agree the divorce. My H got stuck on this as well, until I told him that only the judge and the admin at the court would ever get to see the petitions - that it was a mechanism for the divorce to happen, nothing more.

I can't wait until the UK introduces simple no-fault divorce. In my native Holland, the whole thing can be done and dusted in 6 weeks if both parties agree to split. They can even use the same solicitor. And these days, if you get married you don't automatically end up joined t the hip financially, in fact the assumption now is that each party keeps what they bring into the marriage.

He probably won't stay sober when he has DS overnight. Be ready for that.

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 12/03/2019 17:36

He can't afford to contest it so I think it will be ok. My solicitor said it was unlikely too.

I think I just have to suck it up re the finances, it is what it is. I might be skint forever, but I'll be free Smile

You are right about being sober with DS, I do not have any reason to think it will last. He has cut down significantly but is still drinking most days. The latest reason was when he got his heart condition brought up again. I think once the current pressure of his fitness for work and our divorce is over, he will revert to old habits.

OP posts:
pointythings · 12/03/2019 18:41

Mine blustered for about a month and then signed. Didn't do his relationship with DDs any good, I can tell you...

Do you think he's going to shaft you over finances? Is he in a position to hide his earnings? What you get for the house sadly is what it is. Credit to my H - he never backed out of letting me and the girls have the house in return for no maintenance, and that was definitely us getting the better deal financially. But then he wasn't as hostile as yours is.

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 12/03/2019 19:41

Yes, I am not surprised. Your DDs had already been through enough.

House is worth more than I thought, and he has run up a lot of debt. He is terrible with money.
His pension is worth less than I was expecting too, although I am a bit suspicious about that. His borrowing capacity is much higher than mine and his earnings, so we'll see. He has no regard for the fact that he has paid way less than me into the house despite his much higher earnings, and the law is with him on that sadly.

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Original poster
Tiddleypops · 12/03/2019 20:48

Just reflecting again. The mediator must have said 100 times that arrangements with DS are about DS, not about us as the adults. He just couldn't understand it at all, and kept going on about what he wanted.

OP posts:
pointythings · 12/03/2019 21:07

You're probably going to have to set the CMS on him to keep him paying what he should, sadly.

And contact is about what's best for the child, but so many fuckwit (mostly) men don't seem to get this. The one great silver lining in my saga was that DDs were of an age to say 'hell no' about seeing him and be respected. H didn't even try.

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 13/03/2019 06:55

In a way it's reassuring that he is consistently missing the point with regard to the needs of the child coming first and taking about himself. I'm consistently putting DS first and that would be clear if I was forced to take it further. I think the mediation process has been a shock to him, he tried all his tricks to get his way yesterday, (woe is me / denial / projection / defensiveness), it just didn't wash with the mediator, especially the "woe is me" thing which is usually his most successful tactic.

Yes it is good your DDs could see your H for what he was. It's sad and tragic too, but only for him really. I think my DS will see the same as he grows up.

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Original poster
Tiddleypops · 18/03/2019 20:41

Divorce is progressing, thank goodness!

And, he agreed in mediation, that he will not drink while he has DS over night. Whether he can stick to that or not is yet to be seen, but I have something in black and white now that I can refer back to if I need to make some safeguarding decisions.

Hopefully it will never come to that, but at the same time I think there's a high chance it will. He's drinking significantly less at the moment, but I've been on the merry go round long enough to know that it's unlikely to last once the current crisis has subsided.
Overall, I'm feeling positive.

OP posts:
pointythings · 19/03/2019 15:03

That all sounds positive and I know you are prepared for things to go wrong with his drinking. You have come so far. Not long till you are out on the other side.

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 28/03/2019 11:35

Round 3 of mediation is looming.
Sometimes I have everything in perspective, can see how far I've come, can see that we're nearing the end....
Other times, like now!, I just want to puke up 🤮

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pointythings · 29/03/2019 19:53

Throwing up is a stress response. I did it too, at all the high stress points in the breakdown of my marriage and everything that happened afterwards. When it gets like that, try to eat bland, smooth things. Soup is great, pasta is great (especially mac and cheese). But try not to stop eating because that makes you feel worse.

MonaChopsis · 31/03/2019 08:30

Tiddleypops have just read my way through this thread. You are amazing. The nausea will pass, but once you are divorced the sense of freedom and relief will remain xx

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 01/04/2019 09:48

Thank you @MonaChopsis. Although I'm still suffering the affects and still having to live with all this, I very much feel like I can see much more clearly. I know I'm doing the right thing. I'm relieved that my DS will have a happy home without the chaos, shame and fear that H must have lived with growing up.
I guess that certainty must help, but it still feels so bloody hard at the moment. His anger, bitterness and resentment are escalating.

I'll stock up on soup too @pointythings! Things definitely feel better when you have a full stomach! I'm usually a comfort eater, but at the moment I'm more inclined to forget to eat.

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Weenurse · 07/04/2019 02:42

Good luck 💐

jackanorytime · 07/04/2019 09:09

@Tiddleypops You are quite an inspiration. I've learnt so much from your thread. Thank you.

I'm currently going through an almost identical situation though my husband isn't living with me and our children.

We were married 20 years and it's not until you read other peoples experiences here that you realise exactly how much you've put up with, how much of a complete head fck living with an alcoholic is and how much we live in self preservation mode.

My husband announced to me last night that " he's going to destroy me and my life " because after all, I've destroyed his.

It's all just so horrible. But, I too cling on to those moments where I look into the future and see him as a distant memory ( if he's still around. He has heart issues too that haven't been treated because he's in denial) and look forward to the day that my husband can't manipulate or abuse me anymore.

Keep up the thread xxxxxx