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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Told husband it's over. He has no support.

524 replies

Tiddleypops · 11/02/2018 06:33

I have told my husband that our marriage is over.
He's an alcoholic and so I know this is the right step for me and our child.

The problem I now face, is that he is completely alone. He has no friends.
A while ago, after I begged him to speak to his mum about his issues, he finally did so apparently (he only told me this yesterday), but she she brushed it all off with a comment about him being a "daft sod".

I don't hate him, he has 3 children (2 from a previous relationship, and 1 between us). He needs support right now, and clearly it needs to be from someone other than me.
He said he has been having suicidal thoughts (he said he doesn't want to kill himself but he can't help the thoughts) and I'm terrified he'll act on them.

I really don't know what to do Sad I can't be with him, but I don't want him to have noone either Sad

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DishingOutDone · 05/08/2020 10:20

I'd say don't buy a lottery ticket then @Tiddleypops - what an awful run of events. Is your neighbour in hospital now? Sad

Interesting about the consent order - so what is he wanting done now?

pointythings · 05/08/2020 10:36

What a rollercoaster! Unfortunately the nature of support groups means that you are going to end up hearing more than a normal amount of bad news - in my group we've been very lucky that the last death was my husband's two years ago.

What does he want changed about the consent order, and is it reasonable? I'd run it by your solicitor for a rationality check, to be honest.

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 05/08/2020 10:40

There was a bit in there about the contents of the house which they wanted changing. It made me laugh out loud - we have literally nothing of any value, most of the furniture is tatty old hand-me-downs that I had before we met. Buying furniture (anything home related really) was something he was never willing to be involved in. So I've agreed to the rewording, he can have whatever it is he seems set on having. There was some trivial clarification they were asking too.

Yeh neighbour is in hospital, however I think they are sending her home today! I am a bit worried about her being alone, I hope they have some sort of followup plan Sad

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pointythings · 05/08/2020 10:52

It's probably good tactics to make him feel he's had a 'win', especially if it's meaningless to you. Let's face it, you will be wanting to make your own home the way you like it!

I hope your neighbour does have followup - but if not, be careful and don't get pulled in. I don't know what terms you're on with her, but taking on the emotional load of looking after a suicidal elderly person wouldn't be a wise move.

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 05/08/2020 10:57

Good point @pointythings - I have enough on my plate !
The neighbours on her other side are on very good terms with her and they have known each other 30 years. I can be 'helpful' perhaps in terms of a bit of fetching and carrying etc. without getting too involved I think.

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Happynow001 · 05/08/2020 11:40

@pointythings

It's probably good tactics to make him feel he's had a 'win', especially if it's meaningless to you. Let's face it, you will be wanting to make your own home the way you like it!

I hope your neighbour does have followup - but if not, be careful and don't get pulled in. I don't know what terms you're on with her, but taking on the emotional load of looking after a suicidal elderly person wouldn't be a wise move.

Agree with both these ^^ points. Doing a little gentle "negotiation" about things you don't actually care much about and giving him his mental "win" could be a point in your favour and may help when there's something you need.

Also re your elderly neighbour. Great you want to help to some degree, but take care you don't quickly become the contact person for them. I had a work colleague who lived next door to an elderly lady and she quickly became the person Social Services/Adult Care's "go to" person for that lady's almost daily needs - although she had her own family - including food shopping, cleaning, laundry... 🌹

DishingOutDone · 05/08/2020 12:36

I wonder where he's taking the furniture? A nice new flat he's got lined up eh? Hmm

pointythings · 05/08/2020 12:43

Well, at least he'd be out of the house and Tiddleypops would be shot of him.

Doubt it will be a nice flat, to be honest, since he can't hold down a job. Mine ended up in a cheap basic flat.

DishingOutDone · 05/08/2020 14:52

Yes I do realise that @pointythings. I was just being sceptical that he has found somewhere (anywhere) to put his beloved furniture and himself.

We all hope that would happen for @Tiddleypops though.

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 05/08/2020 17:41

Well, he'll have a wodge of money to pay upfront, so I wouldn't be surprised if he starts out somewhere decent. I think he'll have to pay upfront given his situation. Part of our deal is that I'll give him a partial payment ASAP.

Hope he does take the furniture 😂 I'm sure it will be too much effort though.

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RainySaturday · 10/08/2020 14:55

Following closely - lots of this resonates.....

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 11/08/2020 07:16

Hi RainySaturday, hope you're OK? Please share if you feel it's appropriate or message me privately Smile

Last week was horrific to be honest. My neighbour died which was very upsetting. Her relative, who has been dealing with sorting out the contents of the house, of course speaks to us as though we are the nice young couple next door and it's not really appropriate to set him straight.
It feels an awkward pretence, very much like our whole marriage used to be... I suppose on the plus side, it throws a spotlight on how detached I am from him that this is no longer my daily life, presenting a facade to the whole outside world. It also amplifies how little our neighbours every really mention him.

Coupled with the fact that H has caused a bit of a drama with his drink driving (whereas largely he's been a lonely home drinker). It's horrible - I don't want any association with it all, I don't want people to think I'm supporting him or covering for him but equally it's not my place to hold him accountable or punish him. Again, being even caught up on this on the fringes feels extremely uncomfortable given where we now are.

Anyway, the upshot is, that I'm going to go and talk to some of my neighbours this week. I'm not going to make a big announcement or anything, but I want to quietly disassociate from him, let them know that he will be leaving soon.
I won't be slagging him off or telling them anything too personal. It just feels like the time is right as I've had a lot more to do with them recently and I'd like them to know before our joint neighbour's funeral.

I have a feeling he's hanging by a thread drinking wise. It's definitely on the up and the reckless behaviour is creeping up too. I really hope I get some signed papers soon.

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DishingOutDone · 11/08/2020 13:03

Oh @TiddleypopsTiddley I can feel every word of that.

Our neighbours think we are the perfect couple too, in fact everyone does - I feel awful when H has to go somewhere with me, I feel ashamed does that make sense? Will you both have to attend the funeral - will he simply forget or not care to go?

Hoping to hear good news on papers etc from you soon.

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 11/08/2020 13:43

Yes I felt like that for a long time. Like people might judge me on his behaviour. I expect this isn't the case though. If you think about couples you know, you still see them as distinctly different people, don't you?
Also, I think when you are an honest and decent person, it just feels wrong to pretend doesn't it? This strikes me now as something so different between me and him. Lies still trip off my H's tongue like they are nothing. I couldn't be like that and I look forward to a time when I don't have to live with him and people no longer make incorrect assumptions about us.

I hadn't considered he would want to go to the funeral, but I very much doubt he would be interested. There's me making assumptions now! No news on the paperwork yet. I must admit, my patience is very thin now. I am fairly sure he's signed.

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Original poster
Tiddleypops · 11/08/2020 13:50

How are you anyway @DishingOutDone. Do you feel that you have a goal in terms of a timeline? I hope you are doing OK. Flowers

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DishingOutDone · 11/08/2020 15:15

Thank you for asking @Tiddleypops. DD17 wants him out but she cannot stand any conflict with her MH issues, and she cannot comprehend what telling him and then selling would be like - she's had a relapse since lockdown so I don't think she'd cope with it at all, her A levels are due next year too. So I have set a deadline for after the A levels 2021.

In the meantime, I may or may not get that operation I've been waiting for, but I wont be letting it keep me here if that makes sense. It will be hard if I don't have it, and even harder if I have to have it without another adult who can drive/help with personal care in the house, but I cannot waste any more years.

pointythings · 12/08/2020 10:06

@Tiddleypops FWIW I found out when I started telling people that most of them were not in the least surprised. Not even our regular plumber/handyman who was only around briefly a couple of times a year max. People do notice, they're just too polite to say anything.

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 14/08/2020 10:03

Well one neighbour told! As you say, they very very supportive - they did say that they were shocked and sad to hear, but I guess saying "well, yeh we kind of expected that" might be deemed a bit offensive!
I feel better that they know, a little more distanced from any dramas and so on.

And there is paperwork moving along now! So I have to check my mortgage application has not fallen through now, because it's been on hold for so long they have stopped chasing me which is a bit of a worry! Ah well, won't know until I have called them later on today!

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pointythings · 14/08/2020 10:31

Fingers crossed for your mortgage to go through, you deserve it after everything that's happened!

DishingOutDone · 14/08/2020 16:15

Fingers crossed here too!!

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 14/08/2020 19:25

Mortgage back on track I think. They wanted some additional documents but assuming all is well with that then we should be back on.
And I've signed and returned the documents for a second time 🙄 He has 7 days to sign apparently, although I'm not sure what the penalty is if he doesn't sign other than he doesn't get his money and we remain in this stalemate which isn't really serving him too badly other than he can't properly start work on his next victim and he has to be slightly less visible with his drinking.

On the plus side, I feel no resentment about the money I have to give him. It's not justified. He doesn't deserve it. He's been financially reckless for our entire marriage and he's been financially abusive.
But I can't change any of that, I'm so over it. More than anything I feel positive to be taking control of my own finances. I used to feel a sense of urgency and fear whenever we needed to do something that involved money. I'm going to be sooo skint 😂 but I'm so looking forward to being able to save up for the things I really want and budgeting properly.

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pointythings · 14/08/2020 21:14

I think the most important thing for you will be the fact that you will be in absolutely in control - no more worrying about what the drunk numpty is going to do. And you know you have the financial sense to do a good job. Think of me standing on the sidelines doing very bad high kicks and waving pom poms.

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 27/08/2020 15:28

New deadline is almost upon and guess what... His solicitor is on annual leave 😂 I know H is a twat but I'm sure this is professional incompetence. She asked for the fing date to be brought forward! The second time she's been away at the critical point.
He gives little away, but my sol is so much more on the ball and keeps me informed.

At times I feel quite lost and without hope...
But! I've just had some time off work and have had so many lovely days out and about with friends and family and lovely people (all on different days and within the covid rules of course). We even got invited over to our lovely neighbour's holiday cottage for the afternoon - the ones that I've told about my situation with H. How nice is that? Smile I'd just like some peace at home instead of feeling like I'm returning to a drunk's doss hole.

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DishingOutDone · 28/08/2020 00:00

Evening @Tiddley glad you have been out and about but so bloody frustrating for you - what will this mean, practically?

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 28/08/2020 05:54

It's just another pointless delay.
What should have happened this time, is - I sign papers, he signs papers, he gets a lump sum upfront today to move out within 4 weeks.

But he hasn't signed. And this is his solicitor's fault, not his.

Last time this happened (I signed papers, he didn't), his solicitor was off sick. It then took her two months to get round to doing anything, and then they asked for some amendments... So the amendments have been done... I'm just worried now, it's going to take her 2 bloody months to get round to asking for some other ridiculous tweak! 😔

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