Told husband it's over. He has no support.

[Tiddleypops]

I have told my husband that our marriage is over.
He's an alcoholic and so I know this is the right step for me and our child.

The problem I now face, is that he is completely alone. He has no friends.
A while ago, after I begged him to speak to his mum about his issues, he finally did so apparently (he only told me this yesterday), but she she brushed it all off with a comment about him being a "daft sod".

I don't hate him, he has 3 children (2 from a previous relationship, and 1 between us). He needs support right now, and clearly it needs to be from someone other than me.
He said he has been having suicidal thoughts (he said he doesn't want to kill himself but he can't help the thoughts) and I'm terrified he'll act on them.

I really don't know what to do I can't be with him, but I don't want him to have noone either

I'm sorry to hear your DD2 is suffering anxiety. I hope she'll be able to work through it. She has done tools to step through this carefully I hope? I'm glad she has you by her side to help and empower her. She'll get there 💗
It sounds a good thing that Fostered Teen mum is in hospital. The best place for her, definitely. And I imagine a relief for your extra teen too.

And your contract extension is great. By Dec hopefully the world will be a bit less chaotic (in some ways anyway!) It sounds as though things are going steadily forward for everyone really. I'm glad to hear it 😊

Yay with the financial settlement! Once you get that agreed, you're really getting somewhere. And your STBXH will start the inevitable spiral, but that's not your problem. You really sounds like you have mastered detachment, well done.

If your X kicks off about leaving, you call the police. It really has to be that simple. And then you let the law do its thing. He needs to learn about consequences.

DD2 was in therapy for anxiety/PTSD and has the tools to manage, but lockdown is aggravating things and she is showing some signs of OCD as well now, which is worrying. It looks as if she will be going back to school part time from the 15th, which will help a bit, but we are looking at a full on mental health referral rather than wellbeing now. Meanwhile she's doing her best to not give in to checking compulsions and using her therapy tools so that will have to do.

Fostered teen's mum is doing well. It was a voluntary admission, but the sense I get is that MHA would have been used if she'd said no. She was very, very unwell. Thing is she will now finally get the help she needs - once you've had an admission, you're taken a lot more seriously. She needs support with housing, daily living, everything really. Her neighbours are evil people who harass and persecute her daily, so she needs to move - fortunately because of the bedroom tax she would have needed to move anyway as her child is moving out to uni, so she will now get support to do that. I'm going to help her set up wherever she ends up.

FFS!!!
Well I suppose this is predictable given how things have gone so far.

He did not sign the paperwork. His sol was off sick (this came via my solicitor so it's not an excuse on his part). So nothing happened.
However, he has since signed and returned the paperwork (at least, I believe so).

But nothing... It seems to have stalled at his solicitor,she seems just just be sitting on it. For more weeks. What an ignorant dick. I am so angry. I've chased my solicitor but because of the current situation he's at home so I can't actually call him, only email. I've asked him to chase her. He is pragmatic and tends not to contact me unless there is news, so I can only assume this is the case. But week after week is still going by and nothing. How is this justifiable? The consent order I signed would have come into effect mid June and meant he had to move out (this was agreed) but because of the dickhead solicitor who seems to think that catching up on work she is late on is not a priority (?!) then we're just left hanging. Again.

Sorry for the incoherent rant, I'm just struggling. It being the weekend of course there will be no news and I have so little left in my pitifully depleted bucket of hope right now. One day at a time feels very tedious right now.

Oh @Tiddleypops I am so sorry to hear this. It just all feels like the final straw, doesn't it? But if he has finally signed the end is in sight. He will move out. You will have the peaceful happy life you and your DS should have. Just hang in there a bit longer. Life just loves to throw us curveballs.

Chez Pointy we are now on admission number 2 for fostered teen's mum - they discharged her home, back to the toxic environment, and not on any medication so she lasted less than 2 weeks. This time the housing people are onto it because hospitals get judged on readmissions within 28 days of discharge - thank goodness for targets for once! - so hopefully she won't be discharged until she has somewhere to go. She was getting extremely paranoid and aggressive, even with us. Very stressful.

DD2 has enjoyed being back at school part time but it is now the summer holidays, and I'm still working from home. Next week we are actually going on holiday to Holland - we will be bringing face masks and wearing them a lot, but we're going to have fun and see family.

My fingers are crossed for you, hope you see progress soon.

Thank you @pointythings.
I was very despondent last weekend, but I feel a little better now. I've crashed my car this week for the first time in 20 years of driving. My brain was just a mess. Thankfully nothing serious, the car is OK and no one hurt.
Since then I've tried hard to be kind to myself. I've worked too many hours so I guess I failed a bit there! But I think I've got better at stopping and thinking about what I need as the week's gone on. I have a few days off work next week with some nice plans with DS and a day to myself planned as well.
I saw a good friend today for the first time since before lockdown who gave me some fresh perspective on boundaries and how I'm still putting up with too much from H/exH (whatever he is!) Also, I realised how ashamed and stupid I
feel for marrying H. It was a dysfunctional relationship from day one (well maybe not quite day one, but certainly very early on). She reminded me I was very young and a different person when I met him. I wouldn't look at someone that age now and expect them to have the knowledge and experience of someone my age! I would expect them to make mistakes and learn from them so I must give my former self the same level of kindness and understanding.
Recovery really is like an onion and I'm uncovering new layers.

Anyway, still no news other than I had contact from my solicitor. He is so pragmatic. He's done some carefully worded and assertive chasing. Given the mood H was in mid week, I suspect this had been passed on! This makes me realise that he had not done the paper work as I thought (should've guessed!)
I'm very tired of everything. But I have a little bit of hope back now

Oh gosh, so sorry to hear about the fostered teen's mum going backwards and forwards and then back again. I'm glad she's where she needs to be and I hope they'll deal with her properly and safely this time. It must be hard on fostered teen but she is fortunate to have your support and a safe place with you all I hope the mother makes progress soon.
I'm so pleased you are getting away, I remember you said you have family in Holland. Have a great time xx

You have had so much to deal with! But your perception of recovery as an onion is spot on. I don't want to scare you, but two years down the line we are still discovering new layers. However, your friend is completely correct - hindsight is always 20/20 and if I am honest, there were signs of my H having issues before his parents died and it all went tits up - not alcohol, but the underlying issues. I married him anyway, he wasn't actually dysfunctional, just not 100% functional either. You also have to look at the self esteem of a younger woman - as older women, you and I have learned a lot about not giving a stuff and relying on yourself. That's much harder when you're young.

I hope you have a lovely time going on outings with your DS, and do keep putting the brakes on yourself when you realise you are overdoing it.

Yes, I remember the start of this thread (it's even in the title) where everything was about H. At that point I didn't exist - which sounds extreme, but I look back and I was an empty shell. At my first Al-anon meeting someone said "this is about YOU not him" and I had to look over my shoulder I was so surprised she had seen ME! So while I have come far, I still find old ingrained habits. I'm glad to find them (generally!) because awareness is the first step to dealing with them. What a positive thing to be getting to know myself, warts and all, and appreciating every step.... It's just long over due that I should be on my own for this and not have him breathing down my neck and ruining my house! I would quite like some peace to grieve.

You DDs have so much insight into all this already, they will grow up far more emotionally intelligent than us. Whilst that is tinged with sadness, it gives them so much more life to enjoy

One of the things we say to newbies in our group is 'but what about you?' because when they come in, they always talk about their addicts, not about themselves. And learning that they are allowed to think about themselves is a huge eye opener. I still remember how freeing it felt to say that yes, I had stopped loving my H, he had killed that in me.

My DDs have learned enormous amounts about valuing themselves and not taking shit from anyone - and yes, that has set them up for a good life with good relationships.

Crying today and just need an outlet that isn't my poor friends again!
On the whole, I've had a good week, I've really focused on being happy, surrounding myself with positivity, taking back some time owed from work and going paddling with my DS etc.

Then the weekend landed. Friday I heard H taking his DD all about how well he's doing talking to women (I assume this is online dating sites), all of them so much younger than him etc. Seriously, what does he think a 27 year old wants with a mid40s alcoholic who still has to live off his ex wife because he can't even stand on his own two feet (stupid thing is, there will be women out there who fall for it, and he'll become cocklodger to someone given enough time). I'm sure DSD was reeeally impressed 🤮

Then last night. Well he went out mid afternoon, meeting a mate apparently, although I noticed he ironed a shirt and put a different one on so perhaps he was meeting one of his online ladies, who cares (I really don't)... However he came home, driving, at 3am. He crashed his car 3 times on the driveway, the rear bumper is a mess. Too late to call the police to catch him in the act of driving of course. There's no damage I can see to the wall, just his car.
I thought about what I should do about it? I've come to the conclusion, that it's nothing? Would you agree @pointythings?

Whilst I'm embarrassed about what the neighbours may have witnessed - really, it's not my shame. I wasn't driving shit faced. He was. The neighbours have dropped hints that they know what he's like. So I'm sure, if anything, they would be supportive of me. I don't know whether to say something to them though? I'm not sure what, but just to acknowledge it?? I don't know!

And it's not my job to punish him, or hold him accountable, I don't think? This is all on him, all for him to deal with. His car is good pride and joy - at least it used to be, it's much neglected these days. It will cost a fortune to fix.
Of course if he were on his way out driving in that state I would have called the police, but is that where my responsibility ends? I am fairly certain this isn't the first time recently that he's driven drunk. I hate him for it, it's so wreckless and dangerous and I hope he gets caught... But I can't control someone else's idiotic behaviour, I can't stop him drunk driving any more than I can anyone else. I won't cover for him or help him if (hopefully when!) he gets caught out...

Sorry rambling a bit. I just feel so horribly trapped.
He still hasn't signed and returned the paperwork 😭

@Tiddleypops I am so sorry he is being such a total asshat. I think your instincts are sound - if you had seen him drive, you could have reported him, but as it is you haven't got a leg to stand on. And yes, he will drive drunk again. If you witness it, you have a legal duty to report him. Beyond that, head down and don't stir. I hope you have a car of your own that he has no access to though.

Same for his ventures into the world of new relationships - yes, he probably will snare some poor woman with low self esteem and end up being her cocklodger, until such time as he can't get himself another woman any more. But it isn't your problem - stay detached.

Is there anything you can do to push him to sign? Surely there has to be some provision in the system to stop parties from stalling endlessly?

Thank you, I really think I needed to hear that from someone who knows. My RL friends tend to be all "I'd have had a right go at him" or "I'd have gone crazy" etc. I guess because the behaviour is so alien to them and they do not understand the alcoholic side of it.

I don't think there is much I can do... Other than take him to court which of course is a far lengthier more expensive process. In essence I'd be starting again.
I'm going to tell my sol about this weekend though and see.

People who haven't lived with addicts work from the perspective that the other persons is a functioning human being who will respond to reason. You and I know we are not so fortunate.

Do take advice from your solicitor. I hope there is a way forward, but if it has to be court, so be it. There has to be an end to this, if only because your STBX is hanging like a great big toxic millstone around your neck. You need to be free once and for all.

Vent at me any time you want to, I will always see your posts in my email and that's checked daily.

Thank you 🤗 I feel much better now than I did earlier. He's breezing around the place like nothing has happened. I know he won't be feeling like that under the surface. I feel like my side of the street is clear. I've not reacted, punished, or been tip toeing around him either.
He was due to take DS out for an hour this morning (this is a huge rarity). I held him to it and caught up on some of the sleep lost in the middle of the night (also a rarity!) Then I played all afternoon with DS instead and soaked up his beautiful giggles.

*Played with DS instead of doing chores that should have read

Definitely got your priorities right there then!

Just work on staying detached. This will end. You will win.
And you timed your communication brilliantly - today is not just the second anniversary of the day I got the police call that my husband was dead, it is also the day my mum would have turned 80 had she not committed slow suicide by booze. The distraction is welcome.

Wow @pointythings, a significant day. I can't believe it's two years since your H died! And slow suicide is so so sad but so accurate a description.
I heard of the death of a friend's son last week, through alcoholism. It's such a terrible disease x

There will come a time when you'll be looking back and it will have been two years since your marriage ended and you got your freedom back.

For us it's been mostly good, though the fallout is still there - all the emotional abuse my late H heaped on DD2 is still being worked on. But all the progress is in the right direction and it will be the same for you. With regards to my mum, I think of her as a swan - she couldn't live without her mate, so she pined away. These days I look at my beautiful redone garden that her inheritance paid for and I think of her. The sunflowers are out now.

Helloooo (waves) Just noticed you on here @Tiddleypops - I'd forgotten about this thread, I'm still on the "For those divorcing against H's wishes" one. You are an inspiration how you have waited all this time, patiently chipping away at the mountain.

What's the next step for you do you think?

Aww pointy, that post set me off in tears! Happy/sad tears! Your DD2 is growing so much and so aware, as are you and the sunflowers made tipped me over the edge. You are a beautiful soul. Thank you for always being there x

@DishingOutDone I sometimes pop into the other thread too.
Next step, I'm not sure.
I signed paperwork end of May - all agreed in principle - including a clause that he'll move out while it gets signed off in court.

His solicitor called just as it was supposed to kick in, to say she'd been off sick, sorry, slight delay.. Also asked to have the money sooner than agreed because court backlog... Hurry... Then silence.
My sol has been chasing but to no avail.

So I don't know what's next! If he'd just return the paperwork, then we'd effectively be done. I pay him off, stay in the house etc. That's it.
If he won't sign, then I guess I have to take him to court which will really mean starting again, and could mean living together throughout the whole thing. I don't think it would look great, that he agreed a settlement and then ignored it all forcing it the court direction, but we still may end up with the same settlement but with a huge legal bill. I'd have to sell the house. I mean, we're not talking huge sums of money here, there's about £70k equity in the house and that's it. So half of it would probably be wiped out by court.

I don't know why he wouldn't just sign and crack on. I suspect his lack of ability to adult is the root cause. He knows that once he's signed he HAS to move out and he's in an internal mess about how to do that. He's looked at one or two properties, but his standards are fantastical. He has no grasp on reality. He'd have to pay rent upfront for several months because he doesn't have a permanent income. He'll have the money to do so, but having to hand it straight over to a landlord won't be something he can reconcile in his head, he'll want to look at it in his bank account. He'll want to have the money. He won't think 'great, I can pay 6 months rent upfront and then have minimal bills while I sort myself out'. He'll see it as being 'screwed over' - it's how he works. He's an eternal victim.

So while he ties himself in knots over all this, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Next step, I guess, is discuss with the solicitor. I'm going to mention this weekend's antics with the drunk driving and crashing on the driveway. I may not be able to get a police incident number, but at least there will be a record of it in writing. It might persuade a judge to get him kicked up the arse and out the house perhaps.

Oh, I never applied for the decree absolute.
The plan was to send consent order paperwork and absolute application all together.

I guess that is something I could do. Then I really will be fully The Ex Wife and I wonder if that would make living off me more uncomfortable... No, thinking about it, it won't. He has thick layers of denial and self pity and self justification that are impenetrable.
But it might make me feel better. So I might do it anyway.

I am up to date and remain in awe. I also see you have a great supporter on here, nods at pointythings.

I saw something here recently, it might even have been in this thread, where a STBXH was told "this is a situation of your own making" and I've made a note of it as one of the things I am going to say to my H (not an addict but still entitled and reliant on me for everything in his life). My youngest DD17 has told me I need to stop putting up with things he says to me and fight back but I know when I do all hell will break lose and I am trying to protect her. I dont want to poke the snake until I have as much as possible lined up.

Threads like yours make me feel it is possible @Tiddleypops. I saw a post from you in February saying imagine I might come back on here and say he's gone - just keep imagining it, I know I do.

Dishing you should definitely say that at a point where it is safe for you to do so. It gives you something to live for. It may well have been me who said it to him - that would have been after he moved out, possibly the last time I saw him alive. I also definitely said 'you know what you need to do if you want your DDs to have contact with you' (not drink, get a job, do therapy and properly). Saying it felt necessary.

And you absolutely will have that moment when you come back on here and tell the rest of us that he's gone. KOKO!

@DishingOutDone keep moving slowly in the right direction and always be kind to yourself. You will prevail. I understand your need to be so careful from the other thread, and your concern for your DD. @pointythings has plenty of experience there too with 2 DDs plus a spare one, who are so lucky to have her! 🥰
She is your cheerleader and we'll be cheering you too. She sees through him.
They do know, these men. My H has beaten me before, and yet I'm not worried he would do it now. Because I am so different and he knows it. He knows for a fact that he wouldn't get away with blaming me for it now. There are cracks in his bravado. I really hope you can say those things soon dishing. You can't make him hear them, but you can say them and really mean them x

What a lovely message @Tiddleypops, thank you [flowers}

I've had comms! I mean... it's them asking for the consent order to be rewritten, but you, know, scraping the barrel now for delays so I'll call it progress!
Meanwhile my elderly neighbour tried to commit suicide yesterday - she's recovering now. I also heard about the death of a relative of someone in my al-anon group.
My heart hurts!