Told husband it's over. He has no support.

[Tiddleypops]

I have told my husband that our marriage is over.
He's an alcoholic and so I know this is the right step for me and our child.

The problem I now face, is that he is completely alone. He has no friends.
A while ago, after I begged him to speak to his mum about his issues, he finally did so apparently (he only told me this yesterday), but she she brushed it all off with a comment about him being a "daft sod".

I don't hate him, he has 3 children (2 from a previous relationship, and 1 between us). He needs support right now, and clearly it needs to be from someone other than me.
He said he has been having suicidal thoughts (he said he doesn't want to kill himself but he can't help the thoughts) and I'm terrified he'll act on them.

I really don't know what to do I can't be with him, but I don't want him to have noone either

Thanks @pointythings. I'll discuss with the solicitor for sure. As you say, it will not look good that he has stalled the whole way through. The offer he has had is very generous and hard to justify not accepting. I guess the fact he has not supported his child or provided anything towards the bills for a year wouldn't look great either! Will see what solicitor thinks about this. He is realistic usually.

Yes, love my support group and I'll talk about this fear when I go. I listen to a podcast too. Yesterday the one I put on somehow seemed to be all about finding your voice and your courage to speak up and say what needs to be said. Funny that it came up as the core topic, I didn't go looking for it.

@Tiddleypops so sorry he is still being an arse and dragging his feet, and goodness so relieved your eye problem was nothing too bad, hope you manage to get that sorted quickly!
Defo speak with your solicitor mine advised against progressing the absolute until consent order signed off.
Good luck lovely and happy new year xx

Tiddleypops as long as you can keep the focus on your wellbeing and your DC's, you will find the strength to stay strong. Start believing that you have done everything to accommodate him and draw a line. He isn't your problem, he's his problem. Talk to your solicitor about what is possible in terms of enforcement for the consent order and go with that.

Thank you both. I have a growing awareness of this fear and still an underlying sense of responsibility that isn't mine to own. Being aware of it is a step in the right direction to letting it go.
He said something the other day about how his life is a miserable existence. I didn't feel guilty or responsible or like I had to try and smooth the way. But I did feel very sad that he still doesn't see that he has done this to himself (and actually, I don't think he realises how good he has it either, if there had been a way for me to throw him out his life could now be far far worse).

Solicitor this week to see what we can do next.

Tiddleypops I think all of us who have lived with addicts have had this moment where our feelings of guilt just aren't there anymore, and that is a good thing - it means healthy detachment is working. However, it then becomes very frustrating to watch 'our' addicts still not realising they are responsible for their situation, and that changing it is in their power. I had that conversation with my late H the last time I saw him (on his 58th birthday, 3-ish months before he died). I'd dropped off his present and card and he was standing there, smelling of stale booze, slurring, crying, unshaven and in his dressing gown even those it was late afternoon. He was going on about how miserable his life was, how he couldn't get a job, how his leave to remain in the UK had expired, how he hadn't seen his kids since the New Year. All I said to him was 'you know what you need to do'. I didn't have anything else to say at all. After 25 years together.

It's tragic to have to watch such self destruction, but being able to step away from it emotionally is huge progress. You've done so well and so quickly.

As usual I am back when I need to offload!
Fed up with waiting. Fed up with waiting 3 months for a reply to anything (I am certain that this is deliberate as anything over 3 months would be considered 'unreasonable delay' and I'm sure his solicitor knows it).

Anyway, I've said he can have all the money he has asked for, with some upfront for accommodation. It doesn't mean that he won't find another reason to delay - it will probably take 3 months for his solicitor to come up with some other reason to reject and then another 3 months to reply to any response we may provide.

I feel mentally very tired of it all now and have a diagnosis of MS to deal with on top. Thankfully I am physically fit at the moment, and so I have not had to tell H (he would no doubt twist it to some advantage!)

Fed up. Trying hard to look for the good (of which there is loads, I know this, I try to end each day with a list of things I am grateful for and usually there is plenty to choose from), but goodness, it's like ]
wading through treacle and I'd like an easy week

Oh that's awful news about the MS! I know you thought something was up but honestly, can Fate go and pick on someone else now?

In the long run all this procrastination is going to massively annoy whichever judge gets the case, which could well go in your favour, but for now it's just petty and spiteful.

Brilliantly done for keeping positive though. And you can use me for a wailing wall any time.

Thank you @pointythings, your continuing support really means a lot.
I'm very up and down. Yesterday I had a good evening with my running group and felt much better, but this morning I just want to stop the world from spinning. I feel a bit hopeless I guess. There are murmurs of possible redundancies at my place of work which also doesn't help. I keep thinking that they say (whoever 'they' are) that these things come in threes, so my family/marriage, my health and now possibly my job, all under attack or at least that's what it feels like.

I am trying so hard to think of myself, to think what do I need for today, to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Life changes though doesn't it, we have to go through these things to come out of the other side sometimes.
One day at a time and all that!

@tiddleypops all I can say on the redundancy score is that I have now twice been made redundant, and both time I ended up in jobs that were better than the one I had to leave. I'm a firm believer in the doors closing/other doors opening trope. Meanwhile one day at a time is a good philosophy to live by.

I would also say your marriage isn't under attack - it's more like a mouldering bag of old crap that's sitting in your house taking up unnecessary space, and the lifting gear you need to move it permanently out is taking a while to be delivered. It's a pain in the arse, but your marriage is over - it's just taking its time to realise that thanks to your useless STBXH. None of that means the good times aren't coming.

Be kind to yourself, find sensible things to treat yourself with, stick with the mindfulness and the running. You can do this.

You are right of course @pointythings. I too have been made redundant, once before, and I ended up with a much better job (and enough redundancy money to buy a new kitchen ). There is nothing definite about any of that yet, so I will try not to worry about it, and meanwhile just take every learning opportunity that comes my way at work.

And despite feeling sorry for myself, I still know that exiting this marriage will happen eventually, and I have no doubts that it is the right thing - I just feel so tired of how long it is taking and daren't look to the future too much because it just drags on and on. There is a future though, and it will be brighter, I'm sure.

I was wallowing, thank you for picking me up. I'm feeling a little less wallow-y this evening, I've had a nice chilled evening with DS, and I have a busy day tomorrow, so there won't be much time to feel down in the dumps 😂

One day, I'll come back to update this thread that he has gone! Imagine that! 😂

I may faint when I read that update! [grin

Meanwhile busy is good, and just keep posting! Sometimes things just don't progress. DD2 is really struggling in therapy at the moment - she knows she has to do the homework, but finds it incredibly difficult to do because it means confronting her fears, so she's stuck right now. She's set herself some solid targets for the next fortnight though.

Oh, lots of love to DD2. Yes, facing fears is very difficult. Being aware that something needs to be faced, but not feeling quite ready to face it, is, I think, the most painful stage. You've gone past denial, and can feel it. But you can't over come it yet because you're not ready for bit yet. It needs to be really I guess, because otherwise we'd just stay there.

Following quietly for a while now, dropped in to say sorry about the MS diagnosis and good luck on the job front.
💐💐

Don't backtrack; he has had plenty of second chances in the past and if you give in now, you'll both be in exactly the same place, or worse, in a year's time.
You need to give him notice to leave the house; if he can go to his mum's, a few days is sufficient. If he won't leave, then you need to see a solicitor. Good luck and be firm!

Sorry, just noticed that this two years old and things have moved on! Sorry to hear that it's taking so long - but you'll get there in the end!

DD2 is planning some major fear facing this weekend - today she's going to walk past his flat (specific fear) and tomorrow she's going into a garden centre by herself to buy an Easter Cactus. I will be outside in the car and once she's done, we will go back inside and eat cake (their cafe is amazing).

Meanwhile in other news, I am having my garden done - a real rip it up and start again job - and it's starting to come together. The guy doing it has done work for my family locally and has been brilliant. So another project for this year will be the purchase of some really nice garden furniture so we can lounge around outside in the sun.

@Tiddleypops I’m so sorry to hear that things are still dragging on and then to top it off the diagnosis of MS. But you are strong and although it doesnt feel like it right now you can and will get through this, and as someone else said the judge will not take kindly to this constant stalling when you have been more than fair! Always hear if you need to rant - stay strong xxx

Oh @pointythings, I am sending strength to your DD. Those sound like really good fears to face. A little bit at a time. And the garden centre cake Perfect

Thank you @Itsallchange, I know I'll get there. I'm feeling a lot less wallowy after my Al-anon meeting this week. One day at a time can be very tedious some times, but at others it feels just right.

Hi @tiddleypops I just wanted to check in to see whether you're doing OK. I imagine you're probably on lockdown with your STBX, which must be pretty awful - big fat sympathy. Please vent at me if you need to.

My lockdown is pretty decent - DD1 got home from uni Saturday (sensible child) and so I have both DDs and the one I'm fostering here.

Third teen's mum isn't happy, but there's nothing we can do - her house isn't liveable and she's been more unwell lately.

Thank you for checking in @pointythings.
Yes, we're stuck in this together. I can hear him snoring his head off on the sofa right now - presumably he's had a skin full and passed out as usual.

He's been working for a few weeks (agency) so not been around loads. Yesterday was day one of him being here.
He knows I am trying to maintain a routine with DS, albeit not too rigid and have some rules around day time screen time. He apparently agreed with all this being a good idea. Yet by lunchtime yesterday he'd got DS on the sofa in some kind weird embrace, H asleep and DS playing a game on his phone. It was really difficult to have to break up the weird embrace to say, look we should really do such and such. H does NOT take kindly to being told what to do.

I'm having to be bad cop every night to maintain something like a reasonable bed time, which pisses me off massively, and just running through my head at 1am now is fury at the fact his fucking solicitor seems to encourage delay, delay, delay. It's nearly 6 weeks now since my sol wrote saying we'll give him all the fucking money he wants and she can't even reply to say we can go ahead with the paperwork. I'm not going to get a response this week am I?! Even though I'm sure she could easily dictate a short letter to her secretary over the phone, while in her lounge watching Netflix 😠

Oh and the blah, blah blah, I've had this week about this impacting his income. He doesn't know what he's entitled to financially because he's not got a permanent job. He's constantly asking me in a ranty sort of way, like I should know.
And he actually said "who's going to pay my bills if they stop us going out for work?"... We were eating dinner at the time, I nearly choked. I'm paying all the f**king bills, last time I checked!!! He of course means his credit card bills etc. I'd just been on the phone to my very distraught self employed friend, whose income has disappeared over night. I have lots of friends in similar positions. And then that twat comes out with that.

Oh and the mess! I've long thought that the state of our house reflects the inside of his head. There is stuff everywhere and I'm struggling to cope with it.

Sorry that was a long long rant! Think I just needed to get it out!
I am trying very hard to focus on the positives. I have a good employer who is looking after me well. I have been able to reduce my workload to better manage DS. I'm even saving a bit of money through not commuting. DS is a dream as usual and I'm enjoying our time. We have a garden and for once I can get some work done on it. The weather is delightful! Etc. But trying to focus on that positives, and trying hard not to let it affect my mood and interactions with DS, when H is so in my face, is testing!

I'm so glad you have DD home and that you are all together. Is uni DD able to continue with the uni stuff online etc? I hope so, it's good to have a focus It's a shame third teens mum is not happy with the situation, but tough! It's a blessing that her house is not suitable really, it reduces the leverage to blame everyone else (although we both know that blame can easily be thrown about without any rationale!) One day at a time though I guess. Third teen is one less person I have to worry about being trapped in an abusive home (my heart breaks when I think how many people, children, adults, who must be in a home where there is abuse - but I know I am powerless).

Sorry it's long... Maybe I'll sleep now!

I'm so sorry your ex is still being an arse. All the stuff around his entitlement is the learned helplessness of the addict - you are cutting him loose, he's scared. That does not mean you should feel any sympathy, by the way.

And no, nothing is going to move now we're in lockdown. Sad, but true. You're doing the right thing focusing on the positives. Sad to say you will have to be bad cop in terms of maintaining routines, but it's necessary. We have to be ready for life to restart after all.

Both DDs have work to go on with - online lectures, essays, assignments. It's as good as it can be. Even third teen whose A levels have been cancelled is still getting work so the syllabus is covered.
I wouldn't say her mum is abusive - it's more that her house is a tip due to her last episode of major depression, and she is not in a place where she can do the things needed to improve it. She knows what needs to be done but procrastinates. And she's too broke to provide food, warmth and internet access in a reliable way. The reason she's snappy about it all is that she knows she isn't stepping up but can't make herself do anything about it. Depression is another of those things that locks a person in learned helplessness and it also makes people very self centred. That's what we're dealing with at the moment.

I'm barely getting a chance to get out. Work is so crazy - I'm in COVID response at my NHS trust, doing a lot of data work supporting service redesign. Turnaround for some things is 15 minutes and lunch breaks are rare beasts. But give it 10 days and new systems will be in place and things should settle.

Thank you for reminding me about the sympathy thing. His questions around what he should do and what he's entitled to, I don't know the answers to - so it's not unreasonable to say that. I don't have to have the answer or go searching for him. If I did know the answer then of course I would tell him and let him get on with it.

I've managed to establish the ground rules a little more forcefully today - with no reference to yesterday's debacle. Just - oh by the way, this is how we're structuring the day today and I've reminded DS about no screens before 3pm. H has agreed to take DS out this afternoon for their 'exercise' walk while I have a meeting.

So yes, one day at a time is very relevant - today is much better already!

It must be very tough on the mum. You have the right attitude, and your patience and compassionate (and detachment!) shines through. Gosh yes, NHS response must be crazy busy. Good luck with it all.

It's hard to stay detached when you're stuck in a house with someone. Well done laying ground rules. IMO he has no right to make any decisions given that he is still bloody drinking!

Meanwhile I'm shattered at the end of every working day, but what I do is making a difference on the ground even though I'm not front line.
I also get a lot of appreciation for what I do from everyone I'm working with - mostly people I've never met before. The various teenagers are getting on with their work, adhering to lockdown but also ensuring they get out. DD2 has been discharged from therapy - she is comfortable with that, she has goals to work through and feels she can do it herself and that she will better master her anxiety if she does. Which is probably true. Last weekend she walked past her late father's flat completely unplanned - which was on her challenge list - and although it was stressful, she was fine.

I know how lucky I am in the people I am locked down with.

Hi @Tiddleypops how are you doing? Hope the weather is just as fine where you are so you can have some outdoor time with your DS.

Quick update from chez pointy: DD1 doing uni exams online, DD2 keeping up with school work but struggling with anxiety, fostered teen just turned 18 - her mum was admitted to local psychiatric ward 10 days ago. This is a good thing, she was gradually slipping but had no insight. She's doing much better now that she's getting proper care.

My contract has been extended until end of December, we'll see what happens after that.

How are you doing? Hope your STBXH isn't being too much of a pain.

Hey @pointythings, thank you for checking in! I had just been thinking about checking in too (I've avoided the forums for a while as they sometimes don't help my state of mind).

H has not worked so been home the whole time. He tells me he is looking but whilst I realise it's difficult times for work, I don't see any evidence of him looking at all. The drinking is obviously on the up, I've had to sweep him up on the sofa a few times in the mornings so I can start work (this used to be regular but hasn't happened through the last couple of years).

Obviously DS has been home too. I've been working full time from home and I've been doing regular shopping trips and so on for our elderly neighbour as well as ourselves of course, because we are not a priority for deliveries. There's obviously more cooking cleaning etc than usual too. Dealing with all that and him has had me feeling extremely frazzled! The house is a pigsty. I don't know how he does it. He gets stuff out, breaks stuff, starts stuff and just leaves things everywhere. Being stuck in that environment without the relief of going out to work has been a challenge. I can detach from the drinking. I can't as easily detach from the fact I can't sit my child at the dinner table for breakfast because it's covered in crap again 😒

However! I've been practising detachment and focusing on myself long enough now to be able to see the good and prioritise my needs. Some days are just perfect with DS. He's such a joy. We've been for long walks several times a week and made things and painted and explored loads of our local paths (we live in a rural area, we are incredibly lucky). I think I'll be heart broken when he goes back to school 💔😂 I'm certain these will be my prominent memories of these times and I immerse myself in the good stuff. I do only what I can do today and let go of as much as I can.

And...(are you sitting down?) Hot off the press in the last couple of days... Things may be moving with the financial settlement. I've actually signed the paperwork and secured the mortgage! IF (still a bit IF), he can find no other reason to stall, part of the agreement is that he'll get a sum of money upfront to enable him to move out without having to wait for court to sign it off. I won't believe it till it but it's going the right way I think. I hope.

As well as not looking for work, there's no way he's looking for a place to live either. So I am a little worried about how it's going to work out. I'm worried about his state of mind (don't worry, I know it's not my job to fix it). He's not in a good way. I suppose I'm also a bit fearful because he could be volatile and he's still in my house. So we'll see what happens next 👀