Told husband it's over. He has no support.

[Tiddleypops]

I have told my husband that our marriage is over.
He's an alcoholic and so I know this is the right step for me and our child.

The problem I now face, is that he is completely alone. He has no friends.
A while ago, after I begged him to speak to his mum about his issues, he finally did so apparently (he only told me this yesterday), but she she brushed it all off with a comment about him being a "daft sod".

I don't hate him, he has 3 children (2 from a previous relationship, and 1 between us). He needs support right now, and clearly it needs to be from someone other than me.
He said he has been having suicidal thoughts (he said he doesn't want to kill himself but he can't help the thoughts) and I'm terrified he'll act on them.

I really don't know what to do I can't be with him, but I don't want him to have noone either

So glad you're finally getting some progress, tiddleypops and well done on discovering the pension pot!

It's good news here too - DD1 has settled at uni and is really enjoying it. She has applied for and got a volunteer post at the museum and starts next week, and is volunteering more widely too. We've still got our additional teenager, but her mum is now much happier with the situation and is attending recovery sessions more frequently now that she doesn't have to worry about making ends meet re the food budget. So in the long run this is good for her mental health.

Our third additional teenager has ended up going home to her mum after all and they are trying to make it work, so we shall see.

@pointythings how are things? Is your dd1 still doing OK at uni? What about the third teen? Apologies if you have already said all this elsewhere! I should really have a look

Decree nisi has been pronounced, just over a week ago. I'm still waiting to hear back re the last financial offer, but I suspect now that there will be more stalling.
H's heart issue symptoms have become worse. He doesn't ever give me the full story on things, so I'm not sure whether it's a sudden change or gradual. Anyway, the GP has told him not to drink at all. He has not had a drink for around 3 or 4 days. It won't last. He hasn't even removed the beer from the fridge.
I worry about something happening while he has DS alone - thankfully not a frequent occurrence while we live together still, but I do need to think about how I deal with it. Of course H minimises the whole thing.
He's no longer getting sick pay. I do not know the details because he drip feeds (annoying in many ways!) He is looking for a job urgently apparently. I think this will delay financials. His solicitor will tell him not to reply until he knows what he is doing work wise. Unless he just decides he wants the money ASAP. I just don't think his solicitor will think that's a good idea though.
Meanwhile I pay for everything still. It makes me angry. I also feel sad for him. He's so alone with it all. I know he's done this to himself and that his only hope is hitting rock bottom. It's difficult to live with though. Some geographical separation would make detachment easier.

One day at a time is a bit tedious at the moment 😂

Oh @Tiddleypops, it never stops, does it? Congrats on the nisi - at least now you're seriously close to not being married any more. But the financials are going to be a headache and your STBXH is so useless... He's going to struggle to find work unless there isn't an occy health assessment and you're right, the not drinking isn't going to last either. And given that he's having actual symptoms, it's pretty serious. My H never had a single symptom (but still dropped dead from alcohol related heart disease).

We're doing well/ DD1 is still loving uni and her museum job. DD2 is doing well at school and is awaiting physio assessment to see if we can do anything useful for her fibro.

We had a bit of a showdown with our third teen's mum a couple of weeks ago, but actually that has massively cleared the air. She's suddenly making leaps of progress in therapy, has completely stopped prioritising the man over the daughter and we had a meeting in our local Costa last Sunday. Turns out we have a lot in common and we like each other, and the initial hostility was much more to do with the way she has been let down by just about everyone in her life (parents included) than with me as a person. We're going to a museum next week with her DD and her DD's gf - meanwhile DD2 is going to the local Christmas fair with her gf and family.

Other than that I'm exhausted because I've been cooking, baking and washing all day. Archery shoot tomorrow, so it all had to be done today and I promised I'd make a cake for the cake sale.

Well last night I overheard him talking to my step daughter. Wow, he is deluded.

He told her I am planning to stop him having access to DS. He implied this would extend to her which she was very upset about.

He said that we'll both walk away with X thousand pounds, but that he will have nothing else, where as I will have the house as well... ( eh. He'll walk away with X thousand pounds and I'll owe the bank X thousand more than I do already).

He did say "drinking is a big part of the reason why" but then went on to massively minimise how much he drinks. He even went on to say I drink too much which is a total joke, I hardly ever drink alcohol and even when I do, it's one small drink.

He also said I'd accused him of being financially irresponsible - but didn't really defend that one, at least that's something!

Honestly, it went on, when he'd run out of this sort of thing, he went on to say how I would never do anything with the house (total projection - HE refused to ever do anything with the house or garden, he mostly sat around drinking). He criticised how I'm a lazy cook. That I am obviously getting the money from my parents because I can't get it from the bank (NOT true, I am extending the mortgage) etc etc. There was loads of other stuff just spun to make me look like a complete lying bitch and him the poor little victim.

Part of me was in such a rage I wanted to walk in and defend myself, but I know that would be completely unfair on DSD and ultimately I can work on detaching from his little performance emotionally. I do not need to defend myself for anything.

I'm just wondering what I do now.
Do I tell him I heard?
Do I tell DSD I heard?
I think I need to make it clear to DSD that I will never ever stop her seeing DS, and my door will always always be open to her - but how do I do that? She is likely to run straight to him and tell him.
I desperately want her to know this, but without making things worse.
I have a tendency, after years of being argued against, to avoid anything even slightly confrontational or anything that might rock the boat, I do not know if this or clouding my judgement here.
Any wise words would be massively appreciated

@pointythings I am so glad to hear all is going well for your DDs. I hope something comes of the physio assessment. You all have such a positive attitude that I know something will come good here.

I'm glad to hear you got on well with the third teen too, you are so brilliant to have brought some of your peace and calm to their situation, I'm full of admiration.

Oh how typical of him. And how difficult.

How much contact do you have with DSD and how is the relationship? Also how old is she? If she's an adult then I don't see an issue with just contacting her. You could pitch it in the light of the decree nisi coming through, or if you want it to not be suspicious wait until the decree absolute. Just write to her in a friendly email that although your relationship with her father is over, that doesn't mean you want any disruption to her relationship with her little brother and that of course you want them to keep seeing each other.

The rest of it really is between you and him - he will lie to her and paint himself the victim and she is going to have to decide what to believe.

@pointythings thank you for replying. You are so helpful as ever. She is 17 so in between really.
I think I already knew that would be the best thing to do - to contact her and just simply say that. As the day as progressed and I've calmed down a little bit, I've realised also that if any of this has been repeated at home to her mother, her mother will likely have said that perhaps she should not believe everything he says, at the very least. I do not know the mother, we've only met a handful of times but I know she has previously commented on his drinking to DSD (and it was almost certainly a factor in their relationship breakdown). I believe she also once said he'd been threatening towards her. She does not like him one bit so I sort of hope DSD does talk about this at home.
I will wait a short while I think and then contact her with something on those lines. I sometimes send her messages or daft pictures of DS so I will make sure there is plenty of that going on.
She can make up her mind to hate me, or not, or do so and then change her mind as things become clearer. As long as I concentrate on my side of the street and keep the door open and keep good motives then things will work out one way or another. Thank you, pointy.

It will be a tough week all the same.
Good that he has once again shown true colours just as I was thinking I felt a bit sorry for him. He does not deserve it.

Well, that's one way they help us, isn't it? Always with the self sabotage just as we start weakening.

Sadly as time wears on, my DDs are opening up more and more about my H - and I find out more and more about how emotionally abusive he really was to them (especially DD2, she was his scapegoat). It's horrible to hear, but I need to hear it. DD2 told me a lot of stuff he used to say when I wasn't there. I'm feeling upset. She's so mature about it all, she really understands how the victims of abuse don't talk to each other because they want to protect each other from how bad it really is. I'm beginning to realise that my H started becoming abusive pretty much as soon as his mum died and the drink took hold - it didn't take time, it just started. And I know that tallies with the history of addiction in his family, but it's still hard to live with the fact that I didn't realise it.

Damn it, I should have kicked him out years earlier...

Oh @pointythings it must be so difficult to hear those things from your DDs.
You have reminded me, as I grew up, probably your DDs ages, I began to disclose some of the things my mum had said and done to me, to my dad. The only reason I could do that was because I had started to understand it was wrong and because he was awesome and I knew he would understand too. So take that away, your DDs get it now and they can tell you because you are an awesome mum

I have awesome DDs. They don't blame me for any of what happened. They understand why they didn't speak up and why they too shielded their father. And all three of us know that when we got out, we did it together. And honestly, I don't think anything can break us now.

I just wish they hadn't had to go through so much to get here.

So I've been working on letting go of some of the things he said last week to DSD. Harder than it sounds! I'm just so angry with the lies. FFS he said at one point "she just lies and lies" while telling his daughter that HE is divorcing ME!

But I'm reminding myself that he could (and will) bang on about the sky being orange. I know the sky is blue though so I can just ignore and detach. I'm working on reinstating lines of communication with DSD and DDS. So it's good that I've had that nudge.

Time just drags, all the more now that I feel he's covertly very hostile and I'm dreading Christmas, but largely I'm doing OK.

Something happened yesterday. I have a neighbour a few doors down who is a real curtain twitcher, busy body, often rubs people up the wrong way, but I've always managed to get along amicably with her.
Anyway, she was rather rude to me yesterday over something and I'm afraid I rose to it and we had a few cross words.
NOT very Al-anon at all
But what was a bit more Al-anon was immediately realising I was wrong to have snapped at her. 5 minutes later I knocked on her door to apologise. She heartily accepted me apology and we spoke for a little while. My DS was there so she was indirect about what she meant specifically, but said things like "I know what's going on in your house, I've sensed it, you have my sympathies and if you ever ever need anything please come to me. I was with someone like your H and I stayed for far too long etc etc" This went on for a while, she was clutching my hand and telling me she cared etc.
The 'sensing' it line is probably BS. I've caught her going through our rubbish before so she's probably seen how many cans H puts in the recycling and goodness knows what else! But either way, she was unexpectedly supportive and caring.
Another, much more pleasant neighbour has been unexpectedly supportive over a few things in the last 12 months or so. He said something a while ago about how he sees how hard I work and that I deserve a break and some help (he took charge of arranging - and paying for - some work on our mutual boundary at the time and wouldn't have it when I tried to offer him some money for it). Suddenly I feel like they probably know a lot more than I think they do. It's reassuring to know that they have instinctively got my back.

Going through tough times does tend to make some good people come out of the woodwork. I got so much support once I started being open about what my husband was really like. And it's surprising how much people notice even when you think you're keeping it all in the family. My neighbours knew, even the plumber who does all the work in our house had noticed. I'm glad you have backup even from your slightly tricky neighbour.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, DD2 has had her first conversation with the wellbeing service - she has been recommended counselling as part of managing her fibro. And bingo, she scores miles above threshold for PTSD because of all the things her dad said and did. If he were alive now, I'd be in need of a bloody patio. I know it takes time for the fallout to settle but it hurts when yet another thing hits.
She'll get therapy and may be referred onwards depending on how that goes and it's being taken seriously. Meanwhile DD1 is on the waiting list for counselling at uni for her bereavement issues. Alcoholics do such horrific damage to the people around them.

Yes, I'm reluctant to say too much to the neighbours while he is still here but I think they will be very helpful when he's gone. They are all quite elderly and I was worried they'd be judgemental, but the opposite seems to be true. It's always a comfort to hear something is familiar to you @pointythings, because I know how far you have come I am finding things very tough at the moment, and it only ever seems to get tougher! but I absolutely am picking my way through it a little bit at a time.

Oh DD2, I want to give her a hug and take all the pain away - it must be so tough as a mother to hear that. I'm glad she's getting the help she needs and I know she will engage with it. And DD1 as well. They are so sensible and it's a positive they are actively seeking help. They are still young, this will be woven into them forever, but I'm sure it will make them strong compassionate women.
Yes, the destruction that comes with alcoholism is truly horrific, it really is. There is still not enough acknowledgement or support for the fact that this is a family disease. I have to fight the urge to throw myself between H and all 3 of his DC to protect them from him. And yet I know that would only damage everyone more and that I am powerless. Other times I see this big man as a terrified child, lashing out at the world. It's true that alcoholism arrests development, he's a teenager in a grown man's body.
It's just awful frankly

OP my husband is an alcoholic and the year after he stopped drinking he went on a complete charm offensive, spent money that he'd said should be for me etc etc. In the September of that year, I realised that he was just as nasty sober as he'd been when he was drinking.

I left.

His AA meetings seemed to revolve around them all talking about the roundabout they used to chuck their empties on and the heap revealed when the grass was cut. He carried on cooking with wine too, knowing it's impossible to boil off all the alcohol - he's a chartered chemist!

Good luck

The problem with alcoholics is that when they don't drink but also don't address the things that make them drink, they are just sober alcoholics - 'dry drunks'. All the behaviour that comes with addiction is still there.

@Tiddleypops how have you been? I hope you have had a peaceful Christmas and that you are continuing to make progress towards a divorce and a new life without him.

Thank you @newtb I know the feeling. As @pointythings says, it's dry drunk behaviour. My H has been like that on and off over the last 2 years. Eg he stopped for a few weeks when I told him it was over, he stopped a few weeks when he was diagnosed with heart disease and then again when the GP told him he must not drink.
As you can imagine, he's been chucking the booze down his neck all over the Christmas period. DSD was over Christmas eve. He had a captive audience. He was hammered and loving it - except his only topic of conversation was booze! Weird.

I'm ill at the moment, I have a worrying problem with my vision which the GP cannot diagnose and so I'm off to the eye clinic later in the week. Perhaps it's a lesson in looking after myself. I hope that's all it is 🤞

Happy new year to everyone, thank you for all the support 😊 I'm hoping I'll be better soon and that I can pick up the financial stuff next week.

Fingers crossed your eye problem gets sorted out, Tiddleypops - the last thing you need is more worries...

I still have this whole week off with my various teenagers (mine and borrowed) and I've finalised quotes to get my garden ripped out and rebuilt from scratch for the summer - can't wait to get this started. Mum's estate is complete and the funds should be in mid January or thereabouts.

Sounds like you have good things planned for the coming year @pointythings That's good news. I hope all the teens are doing well.

The teens are great. I've now also more or less adopted the mum of the one I'm respite fostering and it's been good for everyone so far. Maybe 2020 will be the peaceful boring year I've been wanting. It's definitely also going to be the year of the extravagant holidays - we're having a week in Holland at a really posh holiday home by the water and we're having a week in Greece as well. After that it will be back to sensible and frugal, but I want some of what I've inherited to go on pure frivolous and slightly ott fun.

Brilliant @pointythings. I'm so pleased it's working out well with that mum, you have obviously handled things incredibly well. What a great example of how recovery can work.
You totally deserve to be frivolous too, enjoy!

Well it's been a rough couple of weeks. The eye thing turned out to be quite a major health scare. I've still not got a root cause, but they have ruled out the most terrifying of things thankfully.
H has reached new levels of unhelpfulness. Thankfully my DF has been wonderful and supportive.

Anyway, that aside, I'm wondering now whether to process the decree absolute. My H is still ignoring the financial offer sent in November. I'm assuming it's tactical to stop the countdown for him moving out, but it could just be him being useless or his solicitor being very slow.

Anyway, he's living off me, for free. He now has a temp job and funnily enough he's in no hurry to use some of the money towards the mortgage on the house he so adamantly believes he should take from. I just wonder whether being divorced might give me more leverage. Not sure. I'm waiting on a reply from my solicitor about this.

Definitely talk to your solicitor first. I can't however see any benefit to not proceeding, and the courts will take a very dim view of lack of cooperation with the financial side of things.

What a useless waste of space he is. Too weak to admit it's really over!

Well, I'm not sure if he'd be able to secure a rental contract without a permanent job? Even with money in the bank. That's the only tactical advantage there could be to stalling. His solicitor is useless also, so he and she are not a good combination.

I'm just so scared to talk to him directly about anything like this. I get paralysed with some subconscious fear. I realise this is a side effect of the disease, of years of being talked over and bullied. Awareness is the first step to overcoming it though I guess, in just not sure what the Action is. Courage to set boundaries, ask questions, not accept the unacceptable I guess. I'm not there yet though.

I can't afford to take him to court but it may end up being the only option

Tiddley that may well be his reason for stalling, but that isn't your problem. You and your solicitor need to push this, and court may be the only answer. You can self represent - there are people on the relationship boards who have done this successfully who can help and I can point one of them your way if you would like.

Your fear is understandable but you deserve to overcome it and get the life you want. Keep going to the support group you attend. (Just off to mine now).