Told husband it's over. He has no support.

[Tiddleypops]

I have told my husband that our marriage is over.
He's an alcoholic and so I know this is the right step for me and our child.

The problem I now face, is that he is completely alone. He has no friends.
A while ago, after I begged him to speak to his mum about his issues, he finally did so apparently (he only told me this yesterday), but she she brushed it all off with a comment about him being a "daft sod".

I don't hate him, he has 3 children (2 from a previous relationship, and 1 between us). He needs support right now, and clearly it needs to be from someone other than me.
He said he has been having suicidal thoughts (he said he doesn't want to kill himself but he can't help the thoughts) and I'm terrified he'll act on them.

I really don't know what to do I can't be with him, but I don't want him to have noone either

Hi Tiddleypops, I'm so sorry your STBXH is still messing you about. And however much you've been expecting it all the way through, it's still incredibly hard work. It's totally understandable that you're feeling frazzled.

All you can do is grey rock and keep plodding on. He won't win. Court won't do either of you any good. Having a talk with your solicitor is definitely a good idea.

We're all good. We've been having our extra teenager over 1-2 nights a week since that fateful weekend. Mum is still talking about wanting to meet me, but when I offer times/arrangements, she avoids. It's a shame, I'd like to be constructive about this, but we're making no progress. Ideally I'd like an arrangement we can all be on board with, but at least the family worker is on board.

I'd make this a long term thing like a shot, keep her here until she heads off to uni, all that. But it isn't possible and there isn't grounds for anything that would make this formal. We're still having a good time though.

And DD1 is at Uni! Has been a bit wobbly the first two nights, but tonight she is going out with a new friend to see a film. She also has her lecture schedule now and has chosen her optional modules, so it all feels a bit more real. The boozy partying scene isn't for her, but she'll find her tribe.

No, you are right about court, and ultimately it would take longer. I just have to keep plodding on, like you say. It will suddenly move along a little. And then a little more.

The way will become clear for you and your extra teenager. You are doing all the right things. The mother will either see that, or she won't. But you can't do much about that.

Yay about uni, you're right, your DD will settle. Exciting times! And I the whole boozy nights out thing is just not the only option out there anymore, so many of younger people I work with these days are really not into that at all, whereas when I was uni age, it was basically compulsory! She'll find her tribe, as you say

OK, I need to admit it.
I feel like I'm going backwards. I'm feeling contempt towards my husband. It's not a nice feeling. I'm so angry about his delays. I'm angry that he's always in the house, always. There is no respite. Whatever is happening with his employer isn't happening fast, they don't seem to have a return to work plan, but even if they did, he would not tell me. So I'm on constant high alert and egg shells.
He's drinking a lot less again following a health appointment last week. I'm assuming something was said there - but even now, this sends me into that bonkers place where I find myself thinking "perhaps he's not that alcoholic, and perhaps it's all me". This is really stupid, he's done this a hundred times before. And he's still drinking every day (just less). And ffs, he's paying nothing towards the house / DS. But after years of self doubt, it can creep back so easily when the ground shifts.

Such a wallowing post, sorry 😂 I only come here to moan.

You're allowed to moan. Piece of advice: read this post when you feel yourself wavering. You feel contempt for your husband. Even if he weren't a useless alcoholic, that would be reason enough to split. I felt contempt for mine too. It's toxic. Keep pushing through so that you can move on from feeling like that.

Thank you @pointythings, I know you are right. I have been here before (actually, in many ways much worse, because before I didn't know there was a way out of it, and I 100% believed my thoughts, whereas now I know that I don't have to). I know I'm just wallowing. I'm working on it, I've done some Al-anon reading yesterday and I'll do some more today. I've written in my diary, moaned here (again 😂). I'm looking forward to my Al-anon meeting more than ever this week.

Sometimes it's more like one hour at a time rather than one day. Thank you as always, it's a huge comfort to know you just get it (if that makes sense)

Consider me your wailing wall. And keep going with the Al-Anon stuff, it will keep your mind in the right place. It's hard, but you will come to the end of this.

Perversely enough you will probably feel better when he lapses from his current drinking less regime and your decisions will feel valid again. You're still detaching from him emotionally. It takes time and will bite you on the arse again before you're done.

I think Friday was my ultimate step one moment! I just cried, on my knees, saying I literally have no idea what to do now.I thought to myself, I am just completely and utterly stuck. I'm not particularly spiritual so the whole al-anon steps thing is hard, but I think I just had a total surrender moment. Perhaps that's how people get to step 2 and 3!

Anyway, I had a good meeting at the weekend. I had a calm and basic sort of weekend (much needed) and wasn't too trapped in the house.

Yesterday I called the court and my decree nisi has been approved. Thank goodness! It is yet to be pronounced and without a financial agreement, there is still no end in sight, but with the previous nisi being rejected I had not trusted that this one would go through.

It's something, it's a chink of light

Also, an al-anon friend described something to me which made sense.
Alcoholics (well, I guess any addicts) are very polar and go through extreme peaks and troughs. When you are caught up in it with them, you follow them. When they are up on cloud nine, you go with them, a short while behind. When they crash down to earth at 100 miles an hour, you too crash down to earth right after them. It's so true isn't it?
I realise now that my H is like this in lots of things, not just drinking. The important thing for us is to try to remain steady, level. Not follow them up up up and not follow them down down down. It is exhausting!
I was also reminded that alcoholism is a progressive disease, and it will continue to get worse while the alcoholic is still drinking, regardless of the fact that my H may be cutting back a bit at the moment - he is still drinking every day. All this helped my sanity return everso slightly!

I'm detaching from the money issues. He is a compulsive spender I realise and has wound up in difficulties with credit cards. I have separated our finances, and hopefully I will not be liable for his debt. At the moment we have an agreement (in writing, but not legally binding) that we will retain our own debts. I can choose to detach from the denial, blame, shame and frankly stinking attitude that comes with his money problems in just the same way as a detach from the drinking. I am able to make ends meet on my salary (thank goodness!)

Anyway, from a new rock bottom last week, I think I have started to crawl a small way out. A long way to go yet, but getting there for now. I know there will be challenges ahead, but I do not need to worry about those just yet - as long as I am facing the right way and moving forwards. Thanks as always @pointythings

That all sounds positive and aside from the nisi - which is a chink of light - it also sounds as if you have had a bit of a revelatory moment. In a good way. Getting off the roller coaster in the emotional sense is incredibly liberating.

I would hope that any debts incurred after you started divorce proceedings would be all his!

Meanwhile I still have our additional teenager more nights than not, DD1 is having suicidal thoughts and struggling away at uni and one of her friends is being medically discharged from the RAF at age 18 and her mum is refusing to have her back even short term. So I am a bit stressed.

DD1 is doing all the right things and getting help though.

Additional teen is obviously good for her, as long as it's not putting you out. You are a good person. You are probably saving her entire future.

I'm so sorry to hear about DD1. It's a big change, stressful, involves lots of being conscious about fitting in, and image etc. I'm absolutely certain she will settle effectually, she has such a good solid foundation and even the fact she is taking to you shows this. But yes, it must be an incredible worry. Are there student services that can offer her some proper help? Please look after yourself too @pointythings

DD1 has good student support services and is going to get a referral for counselling too. She's good at asking for help. All this is coming from a place of anxiety, which she has suffered with before, and with support I think she'll settle.

Additional teen is no trouble at all, very quiet. She's a bit messy because she has ADHD, but she takes medication. Right now what's hardest for her is worrying about her mum.

And the final additional teen makes me really angry - what is her mum thinking? She's another of those women who chose relationship over children. Her DD's whole life has just come crashing down and all she can say is 'you can't come here'...

So she's coming here as well, once her discharge is processed. So glad I am financially secure and have a 4 bedroom house! I'm going to help her with housing and see if I can help her get into a catering apprenticeship, since that's her chosen career. If she can't do it in the RAF, she'll do it outside.

And I promise I will look after myself too.

Christ @pointythings, as a mother, it's hard to imagine having that attitude towards your own children isn't it?

I'm not sure why I find it so hard to imagine given my own mother was covertly like that. I didn't live with her from age 6 and she had problems with alcohol. If it weren't for the fact my dad was (still is) literally amazing and put parenting at the top of his list without a second thought, I'd probably have been turning up on the door step of someone like you 😂 They are all very lucky, you are a wonderful person

Tiddleypops!
Found this post by accident!
Congrats on nisi granted. 😃
Once divorce applied for, your debts a re separate. His debts, his problem.
I’m seeking solicitor tomo about financials so I’ll post more on our other post once I know what I’m talking about!🤪
Glad to hear you have your freedom in!

Hi @user1486131602 - as you can see, this is my 'all about me' post, I needed one of those when I first rocked up

I have an appointment with my solicitor next week too re financials. So hopefully we will be able to step a little closer. There is part of me now realising that perhaps I needed this time, painful as it has been, to learn some new skills. I am going to have to be really firm about DS, and that is not going to be easy at all. I'll need all my strength for that.

Tiddleypops you will find that when it comes to doing what is best for your child, you will have more strength than you ever thought you had. Take it from one who knows.

What does not kill you really does make you stronger.

Thank you @pointythings, that is reassuring to read. Perhaps this uncomfortable feeling in my gut is a good thing. It's telling me to be prepared and just quietly on my guard. It's a feeling I can't quite pinpoint what it is. I was shaking with fear/something the other day when we had a disagreement over plans with DS and H sent me a really attacky message. It really was an out of proportion reaction (and so I made sure to not react at all in the moment but took time to calm myself before doing anything).

Always go with your instincts. You did exactly the right thing in not reacting. Your STBXH is seeing you steadfast and determined, and he's starting to realise you are not going to cave. That's threatening for him. He's probably going to ramp up the abusive and attacking behaviour, so do be on your guard, perhaps have a running away bag packed and stashed somewhere handy. You have it harder than I did because he's still in the house with you.

And if he does do something threatening or violent, go straight for the police and an occupation order. Don't hesitate. I hope it won't come to that and that he'll just sink into a drunken puddle of self pity, but best to be ready for anything.

A friend said almost the same thing last week to me about the having a bag ready and said I can come to her at any time. She lives quite close so it would mean DS is near school (whereas family are all too far). This friend has been in a very similar situation and her H attacked her. Something I said must have made her feel the need to warn me to be vigilant, just like you have... In actual fact things are fairly amicable at the moment. He's in a rut of denial. He has a lot coming his way, nisi date, the reality of having to go back to work the reality of the fact that he will have to move out at some point. Yes, combined with the fact I am pulling myself together, it could switch to being unpleasant very quickly.

I do think vigilance is warranted. When they realise you are not backing down, you mean it and it's really happening, they do unpredictable stuff. Mine went the threatening suicide route first - that landed him in rehab number 2. Then as you know he threatened to kill me and despite the fact that I reacted calmly, called the police and got him out, it was scary as fuck. If you'd asked me beforehand whether I thought he'd ever do anything like that, I'd have said a hard no. You just can't tell, so best be prepared.

I called about the nisi a couple of days ago. Apparently it will be pronounced on 7th September. I'm surprised it's that soon and we haven't heard anything in writing (not complaining!)
Financial offer number two is in. Fingers crossed. This will be difficult to reject (helped by the fact that another £50k of pension has reluctantly been declared on his part 😂 thank god I queried it).

Every now and then I think forward to what will happen about him actually moving out.. The difficult next step. I do not know how he will handle it. He rejects help from me, he's fallen out with all of his family. He has one or two friends who may help out a bit. He doesn't do adulting and most of this delay after delay after delay, I think has been him putting it off and acting out 'why should I... I'm the victim... Etc' is a lot of front so he doesn't have to face things. I know I'm repeating myself 🙄 ah well. I can't predict what will happen, so will see how things unfold and try to keep doing the right things.

*7th November 🤦🏼‍♀️

Definitely get this my H has moved out and is still trying to rely on me emotional, which is hard when I’m trying so hard to keep everything going and the kids in a good place. Thankfully the asking for sex has reduced now we aren’t living together, but the rants by text and stuff like sending me a wedding photo with the words you bastard on at 2.30 In the morning is so hard to deal with. Alongside the constant worry that I’m getting it right for the kids and juggling the house and everything else just is tiring sometimes. I wish you a speedy resolve and that H accepts the financial offer xx

Oh @Itsallchange that just sounds horrendous to have to deal with. I'm sure I have all this to look forward to.
You sound as though you are dealing with it well, detachment is the key. Easier said than done though.

Two people have now told me, in no uncertain terms, that I will find the strength I need for DS, when it's needed. Like you say, it's one of the biggest worries, keeping things right for the DC x

Just popping over from the "Divorcing against STBXH's wishes" thread to see you @Tiddleypops! Is the plan that he could and should move out when the absolute is declared - do you need to sell up? Or are you literally going to have to have the estate agents measuring up round him?

Hey @DishingOutDone 👋
I intend to buy him out and stay in the house. He's full of crap about needing to buy a 3 bed semi detached house in our area, and he 'isn't willing to rent, because why should he'. I really don't think he'll get a mortgage because of his debts and poor health, but that's not really for me to worry about. As long as my side of the road is clear, he can do what he wants with the money he gets (ie he could pay off his debts and sort himself out properly - assuming he keeps his job for any length of time - but I forsee a lot of compulsive/luxury spending over the next short while and then he'll be in strife financially again).

Anyway, I know I am very very lucky that I earn (just!) enough to be able to do this. Once the dust has settled, I may sell up and get somewhere a bit smaller to make things easier financially, but at least it will be on my terms and he won't be in the way messing it all up.

That's good news you can buy him out; I'm going back over to the other thread now to have a moan (not doing that on your thread!!) - have you shared this good news over there? I think any progress gives us all vicarious hope!