Does It Get Better Thread 2

[scotgal2017]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/3009364-Does-it-get-better?pg=40

Can't post anymore on orginal thread so started a new one!!

It must be strange @wellyboots86, the end of one life but the beginning of your new one. How long has your divorce taken to do and how long was you separated before you filed for divorce? I’m not starting anything until later this year as I’m currently in restructure at work and need to have a job before I can get a mortgage - I’m dreading doing it as it will be do final.

It was ready to go within 4 months but I delayed for a couple to try and sort house first. I filed within a few months of her leaving.

I feel miserable now, not because of divorce ((feel numb about that like it’s not real) but I saw something loving she’d written him and it’s just brought everything up in a huge tidal wave again. Trying to talk myself out of it as I know it’s stupid but I hate the unfairness that is my life now.

I miss the wife she was before all this and being a family, I know that’s dumb as she ruined it beyond repair but the thought of ever trusting someone again feels impossible and feel like I’m destined to be sad and alone forever now.

Wellyboots86 you are not alone, I feel exactly the same. A friend asked me yesterday if I still loved him and without hesitation I said “yes”. And I do and always will but I’m hoping with time the love will lessen and not be so hard. You see they have had time to adapt to their new lives whilst they were still with us. We were oblivious to what they were doing and so didn’t have that time or opportunity! I feel so lonely at times I still cry and think I just want him back. But I know it can never be the same and I have to move on. It’s natural to feel like we do, it’s just crap that we have to cope with it and it’s worse being on our own. But we’ve got this far so we can keep going. I know it feels hard at times and I feel like giving up but I dig deep for that inner strength to keep me going! I’m dabbling with internet dating which is daunting but I’m fed up if being on my own all the time so thought I’d give it a go. It’s taken me totally out if my comfort zone as I’m quite a shy person but I’m not going to wait around forever. Hope you feel better today. I’m here if you want to talk.

Thanks newton. Still feel crap. Doesn’t help that both ds are ill.

Online dating is impossible atm due to kids/work leaving zero time off for me.

I both still love vstbxw and yet don’t want to be with her as couldn’t trust again.

Hard seeing the person you gave all your love to say deeply loving things to another and look so happy in pics together, going on fun days out together etc

@newtonml64 I am doing good thank you! Still have my little knock backs or bad days / week but on the whole feeling good! Must admit my DS has been a great distraction and an absolute blessing! Not sure how I would have got on without him!

Cannot believe your ex has not seen his own kids for 10 months  his loss! And just shows how much he has changed! It's unbelievable.

My stbxh new gf went travelling not long after he left!  so her not being here has made things so much easier for me! But she will be back soon so let's see what happens!

@Wellyboots86 sorry you are feeling down! Things can get on top of us sometimes but you will pull through this like you have all of the other times and come out stronger! Just think she may be all "loved" up at the moment but would you really want to be with someone who can treat the father of her kids the way she has? I certainly wouldn't! And things are probably not all as rosy as they seem! If she can treat you like that she can treat him like that aswell No relationship is perfect just remember that! X x.

Wellyboots and Newton- I know exactly what you mean. I have been feeling low for a while now and starts me thinking of him and if I'd want him back- At the moment id say yes, but is that because I'm just feeling lonely? Also as you say- they've had months to adjust to exciting new life- and now it's sinking in again that this is it. Feel low about whole situation and house hunting. Again - same thing I absolutely hate him for putting me through this. He's got someone to share it with. I really hope it happens to him at some point. Strange to love and hate at the same time. X happy bank holiday X

Hi wintersnow a lot of us seem to be back in a rut. I’ve been overanalysing everything again especially house sale/purchase and my singleness vs her honeymoon romance.

Think I’ve found a house but scared to pull the trigger, talking to family tomorrow and hoping they can snap me out of it and give me courage to go for it.

Keep seeing them together every week and how happy they are together, doesn’t seem fair and feel like I’ll be alone forever so again need to try and snap out of that.

By this time next week I will be divorced, sad and scary thought but at least it’s one less ball to juggle

Hi Welly, at the moment I can't get it out of my head - the overanalysing, did I go wrong, what did I do etc. I really feel for you having to see them, at least I haven't got that. I think I would have to suggest just seeing her. You are so decent to face them rationally .It is so unfair- you didn't cause it and yet, like us all are the one to have to suffer, I think it's cruel. I still think in their heads it's justified in some way. I'm house hunting and its grim- you are right about talking to family, I need help too. X X

Unfortunately I don’t have that luxury wintersnow as he’s usually there when I arrive already, even seeing him through the window before he disappears upstairs or whatever is hard enough.

I’ve messaged estate agents about making an offer, so nervous as don’t feel remotely capable of starting all over again. Kids are ill and she’s having a nice bank hol out with bf while I have two unhappy little guys to look after, starting to think I may never move on tbh.

Wellyboots I have to believe that moving so quickly from a marriage, to another relationship so quickly, cant be good. At least when we move on, it will be with a clear head, and no guilt.....though I agree with Wintersnow, I do think they feel they are justified. I know he is very open about her now, as his mum has told me...she isn't happy with him...it pisses me that I'm here, no social life, while he sees them 3 days every 8 weeks, going out and having fun with her.

Good luck with the offer! Willl have my fingers and toes crossed for you. x

Hi guys hope all is well. My karma lasted a whole day and he messaged to say that they are sorting through things ( why he feels need to tell me is behond me ) . I think this is the start of a rocky road for them just after 10 months as for me I'm going out and surrounding myself with people that make me smile.. good luck on the house wellyboots86 . I've not started divorce at all i need to start the process soon but herd it bothers OW that it's not been started yet so that's making me less bothered to do it Xx

Layniboggs.....I really cant understand why he would think you would care! Honestly lol....I haven't started divorce either, if he thinks I'm going to make it easy for him & her....he has another thing coming lol x

layniboggs at the start my stbxw did the same, it’s almost like they need approval and reassurance that things are ok with both you and the ow/m.

They want both parts of their life to be harmonious which is obviously impossible

Stressful 24 hrs, found a house, can’t borrow as much as I was told, thought I’d lost house, managed to get amount I can borrow up, mortgage appt in a few days so hopefully I can get it sorted soon (if the estate agent ever bothers answering my calls).

Oh and to add to all that, opened the postbox just now and my decree absolute was in there! Feel numb atm about it, thought I’d be really upset but just feel hollow...I’m expecting it to hit me around 3am tonight

Aww wellyboots86 fingers crossed on the house . Can't believe it's all finalised for you bet it seems surreal . Sending big hugs to you

You must be having mixed emotions Wellyboots86. Thinking of you.

Wellyboots, sending you some Irish luck on the house. Thinking of you, I think you might be numb for a while x

Hi all hope everyone ok. Welly, how is it going? It's hugely stressful isn't it. House hunting with partner is bad enough, but doing it on your own is awful. However it shows how strong we are and how we won't be beaten by this shitty time in our lives . Sending hugs and strength. X

Hello there. Sorry for gatecrashing your thread at such a late stage but I have been searching for a thread on which to get support and this seems the most current so hope you don’t mind if I join.

I am a year into a separation which began when STBX walked out in May last year. I have a young DC.

After year of getting used to the separation STBX has now started discussing getting the divorce going andnhas reduces child maintenance to the minimum (a cut of about £65) and wants me to divorce quickly with no financial Settlement as he says he is happy to let me keep my house. Very generous of him apparently.

After a disagreement today he stormed off shouting he was going to get a solicitor and take me to court.

I am hugely distressed by his attitude. Is this a typical divorce ‘script’? He has ignored my calls all day and won’t reply to messages. I know he has someone new and I am not bothered but I feel completely overwhelmed by his attitude towards me and feel like he is threatening me so he can get his own way. The stupid thing is I am not contesting anything.

Duelling, sorry to see you here. They are bullies,I feel I can't really say what I want to him for fear he'll somehow turn everything against me. I think if you have a child though you are in a stronger position, he can't force you out. Speak to a solicitor , make sure you know your rights, what he can and can't do. Good luck x

duelling welcome and sorry you’ve had to seek us out

Sounds like your stbxh has had a change in circumstances and that’s why he’s suddenly keen to get things moving.

Dropping maintenance feels like a very clear intimidation tactic to get you to agree to what he wants, I’d advice going to CAB to get list of solicitors locally that give free consultations so that you can see what you’re entitled to. You’ll probably find it’s a lot more than he offers you and wouldn’t surprise me if maintenance order gets put back up if he goes to court. Potentially you could keep living there until dc turns 18 too.

Unfortunately yes it is a fairly standard script that the betraying partner often says they are “being generous” but it’s all part of the bitterness that comes out during separation I’m afraid.

Also if there is no financial settlement through court you can always pursue him for pension etc at a later stage (and vice versa) so best to get that done too (I’m tying mine up as part of the house sale as xw is terrible with money and can see her spending it all on bf)

Thank you.

I have had to call in sick today as I have had a panic attack on the way to work.

I don’t want to peruse his pension or any of his other assets. Neither of us have any to speak of except our own properties.

He has said today that he wanted me to agree to the divorce which is why he was being so generous. Basically I do agree and I see no reason for him to threaten solicitors or courts just because we have had a fight about mediation. I am just hoping things calm down and we can go back to working out how to sort it out between us without any hassle as I think that is what we both actually want. I don’t want to be one of those couples who spend loads of money paying lawyers to write letters about something we could have sorted out ourselves.

I am on a minimum part time wage so may get legal aid but even then I don’t want to do that. I just want us both to be free to get on with our lives but really am not sure why the urgency over the divorce. We only have a year to wait until we can do it through the separation route.

He’s probably getting pressure from ow to get on with divorce so that she doesn’t look so bad!

To be honest I don’t think she will be pressuring him. She seems nice and it is just a new relationship.

Most likely he wants it to be sorted because that is just how he is.

Duelling it's because they've got their new lives and want to cut as many links to the past as they can, and they're just cruel , mine keeps letting me know under guise of asking me something that he's away for the weekend or too busy to sort things out . He's doing that on purpose to let me know he's doing fun things. The problem is although I ignore it and don't respond to it , it does really hurt, to thrust what he's doing under my nose when he was the one who is the liar and the cheat is just malicious . Sorry people, needed to rant , I think I'm doing ok then wham, he does something and it hits you again X