Does It Get Better Thread 2

[scotgal2017]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/3009364-Does-it-get-better?pg=40

Can't post anymore on orginal thread so started a new one!!

Overheard DD ask him on phone last night, when are you coming over daddy, you never give me an answer. He said in 2 weeks.....then added flights are really expensive. I'm wondering if he knew I could hear, as the last time I paid for the flights...is he hoping I do the same again? I don't work! He spends his money on himself and 'her'....hope I'm wrong in thinking that.....

Don’t give in! It’s not fair or right for him to expect you to pay again & effectively be using your dd emotions to get you to do so - easier said than done, but hopefully she’ll realise that his priorities are wrong and hopefully maybe he might too!!! Hugs x

Ive decided I need to cut him off, unless he asks about the kids. He has this wonderful life going for him now, alone all week to do what he wants, weekends are spent at her house, and every 8 weeks a few nights over here with the kids. Im now the fulltime parent, and as much as I hate him for having his wonderful life.....im loving having my kids, and finding myself again, I realize I wasnt happy, and it was being with him made me that way.....just wish the kids hadnt had to suffer what they have. But they will be happy again.

weewheels both you and kids will come out the other side smiling.

If he can’t manage his finances then that’s his problem

What welly Said 👍🏻

How is everyone doing? Haven't been on for a while but reading through some posts I can see Things have been up and down for most!

I'm almost 8 months in and although I am feeling a lot better and I suppose beginning to accept my new reality I still have down days! Some times I wake up of a morning and still can't believe what he has done. I still worry about what my future looks like, dreading the day my DS meets other woman, how my DS will be with things when he is older (although trying my best to be as amicable as possible and he sees his dad most days so hoping this can remain and will have little impact on him). But on a positive note I feel I am starting to find myself again, feeling a lot more like myself, I am organising to do things with friends that I have wanted to do but never got around to doing, I am making lots of plans with my DS, booked for us to go on a summer holiday so I have a lot to look forward to! As they say things happen for a reason and when 1 door closes another opens! Hope everyone has had a good weekend and not had too much snow x x

@sunflowers4 lovely to hear from you. I’m like you 8 months in. I still have that feeling of disbelief that this is happening to me and the ever unanswered question of why? But I do enjoy going out with my friends and have joined a gym and really enjoy the fitness. I know the next step is to sell the house and file for divorce but I keep putting it off as it all seems so final!! Why should I have to sell the family home, sort everything out whilst he’s run away with her enjoying his life. It makes me angry.. I need that anger to keep me going and get what I want out of this horrible situation.

Can I join in? I am about 4 weeks into separation. I've found today really hard, I've moaned and groaned about dh not stepping up to take care of my dds and since he has moved out he has been so much more engaged. I know this is so much better for them but I really miss them. I've spent every day apart from a handful with them since they were born. Part of me wants to cut down the time they spend with him but I'd be doing if from a selfish point of view. Does it get better? I feel dead inside.

ReginaPhalangeismyothername I'm so sorry you find yourself here, its not easy. I'm 4 months in, and it does get better, but it does take time, then week by week, the pain gets less. Like you can see from above, it goes in waves, up and down. But being on here, were you can talk to people who understand, if a gods send.
Things bad here over the weekend, but ive crawled back out of that hole, and hopefully things will get better again, it seems for me the weekends are the worse.....

Hi @newtonml64 good to hear from you! Sounds like we are in a similar place! I also still have the question of why? But will never get my answers so try not to think about it as I find when I start questioning everything is when my mood changes and I start to feel down and fed up! So trying to live by positive mind positive life but that's hard some times!
I am refusing to sell the house I have a young DS and going to do everything I can to make sure he has a stable home! I can afford everything on my own luckily it will just be getting his name removed from the mortgage that will be the tricky part! I really want to get divorced also but my main concern is the house and I am going to leave him to start proceedings whenever he can be bothered! One less thing for me to worry about then!

@ReginaPhalangeismyothername so sorry you are also here! But I promise things do get easier, it's a roller coaster of emotions and you have up and down days but the down days will become less and less! I also have a young DS and in spite of everything that has happened I haven't once reduced the time for him seeing his dad! I know how you feel about spending less time with them that's something I struggle with still but I fill my time doing things with friends, started an exercise I've always wanted to do! In my opinion his relationship with his dad is so important so I would never reduce the time he spends with him as much as I would love to spend every single day with him - it's good for him to see his dad as much as possible as well as seeing me! Use the spare time to find yourself again - I feel a lot more happier, positive and feel more myself again- I lost myself in my marriage which I didn't realise until he left!

Chin up things get easier just need to get yourself through 1 day at a time! Xx

Hey Sunflowers4 and Newton, great to hear from you. We're all 8 months ish and going through similar things. Like you I try not to think about it, but when I do it's still with disbelief and find it all still surreal, like it's not really happening to me. I'm up and down - I'm fine as long as I have no contact with him ( still need to find an acceptable term for him...). I didn't realise what impact it had on my emotions every time he contacts me, I thought I was ok but the sooner we have nothing to do with each other the better. House still to be sold. Wish I could keep it but can't afford it so I suppose as much as I love it , it's better to move on. That will be another trauma but as we are finding out, we do get stronger and rediscover our old selves. One thing - have you been cut off from his family? It's as if I don't exist, yet have done nothing wrong. That hurts as I was really close to a lot of them . Regina and everyone it does get easier but it is horrible and no quick fix. I didn't believe it but time is the one thing that helps. Wish you weren't having to deal with this. We are here and been through it too, hugs to you all X

Hi @Wintersnow17 seems we are all in similar places. Like you ha e said time is the biggest healer!

With regards to his family I have a small dc so see his parents and siblings a lot as they help with child care etc so I see them on a weekly basis! And they were all really supportive towards me in the beginning as they don't agree with what he has done! Like you I was really close to his family and due to dc still see them regularly, not sure what the situation would be like if dc was older and I didn't have to have much contact though? although his wider family who I was also relatively close with I don't see or hear from much now which is really sad as they are all so lovely and to be honest I probably miss his family more than I do him
Must say not sure how I will feel once the ow meets them all and basically takes my place but something I will just have to deal with! It's all so hard as the life we knew and were used to has gone but we are slowly but surely building a new one and will be happier in the end!

@Wintersnow17 and @Sunflowers4 my in-laws have always said that they don't want to get involved and will leave it us to sort out. I sent my MIL a mothers day card and she rang me for the first time since Xmas. She seemed very quiet and awkward on the phone and the conversation didn't last long. Since then I have found out that my in-laws have accepted the OW, they have welcomed her into their house, stayed in his bed whilst he was staying at their house and been introduced to their friends socially. STBXH has been seen out shopping with the OW and his father like one big happy family. I am absolutely shattered by this as my MIL promised I would never be replaced by her but yet here she has!! I have therefore taken the decision to remove all contact with my in-laws and one of his brothers, (for the moment I still speak to his other brother but for how long who knows!!). I cannot put myself in a position of being hurt all the time and need to move on. I stupidly thought nothing would change with them but it obviously has. I feel hurt, let down and lied to yet again!! My children are young adults and I have told them my decision but asked them to not follow my suit as they are their grandparents and they may still want them in their lives. That is for them to decide!! Whatever did we do to deserve any of this? I am forever grateful for my beautiful children and my own family and friends who have been there for me throughout. The knocks will keep coming but we get stronger and stronger each time!

newton that sounds horrible and is what I’m dreading for my future. Despite mil saying she’s never met om and that they aren’t interested in having anything to do with him I know that when the time comes and they do meet it’ll be fully accepting straight away as they aren’t vindictive or people that hold grudges.

I get the impression stbxw is still lying about how much contact om has with my kids but nothing I can do about that sadly. Irony is if I got a new gf tomorrow and introduced the boys to her then my ex would be ranting and raving daily. Double standards again!

Still bugger all on the market that I want to buy, unless I relocate 15 miles away but then the daily argue ends that would cause are too much of a pain to consider doing it....

Wellyboots, isn't it funny how its ok for them, but you know if you got someone new, they would be angry, make things hard for you and complain because they wouldn't want to kids to be involved quickly.....double standards.

I'm getting on with my MIL better now, but I think its because they worry about seeing the kids. I know if STBXH lets them know about the new GF, they will welcome her, because if he is happy.....I also know its just a matter of time before she replaces me in their family...

So he will be back in a week.....I have a feeling he is going to tell me about her....how do I act when he does? I hate that he has moved on, and is more important than his kids....but I also don't want to say anything bad or be angry, I don't want he saying things like, see this is way I left or see you haven't changed. I'm getting blamed for the breakup....not that he was seeing someone! He still wont admit to that. I want to be able to take the power away from him, I'm just not sure how to do it.....

I live for the day I don't think about it anymore....its like being stuck in no mans land....

I was right to feel suspicious last night. She told me when she picked the boys up that her bf would be there until 8 pick them up again in 4 days time - longest he’s ever been with them. I suppose the silver lining is that she did actually tell me outright.

Just worried that ds1 will get attached and then if the relationship ends I get left to deal with the fallout.

weewheels of course it’s all of our fault that they acted the way they did and cheated that’s something that’ll never happen - them owning their actions!

Wellyboots all you can do is hope the relationship ends sooner rather than later, and know you are a good father, and will be there for your little ones when they need you. Hopefully he doesn't have much to do with them while he is there. I swear all they think about is themselves, not of the pain they have left behind, or the kids that have to go through seeing new people, come into their wee lives so quickly.....not right

It's funny, if his brother had an affair, I would contact my sister in law ( who I was v close to) but I have had little contact from her or anyone. What gets me actually is that only a month or 2 after me finding out , he was parading the OW, homewrecker - taking her to family events, I have found it really distressing that his family didn't actually say- 'it's a bit too soon for this'. By the way he was still spending part of his time in our home. That's when my respect for his family went out of the window, that he was still partly living here . They have no sense of decency. Although I suppose I don't know what lies he's told them. But I do think the lack of support from a family I was involved with for over 20 years is disgraceful.

I have sent birthday card etc to them, to show I'm ok with them. But I think I'll just have to move on from them . I know once she's accepted into their lives it's hard for them, but it hurts that that can just turn their backs on you.

My MIL was so upset by everything she suffers with mental illness and it affected her more than me ! Now 8 months on I've not herd anything from them since Xmas and OW has visited them a few times .. not sure if they even know it was an affair cos stbxh won't have told them and came out 2 months after he left ( he admired everything to me ).. just feel so let down as supported her so much through her illness to not even be a thought but then not sure what stbxh as told her . I just miss them more than stbxh tbf but feel like me visiting will just take her back mentally and upset her again x

Seems we are all suffering similar reactions from our in-laws. Another hurdle we have to get over! @Wintersnow I feel exactly the same as you. By continuing to send cards and gifts has shown we are the mature people who don’t want to walk away entirely from the family we have known for so many years. But by their acceptance of the OW, for me hurts me just as much as my stbxh betrayal. I know we have to move on and forget them but it leaves another ache in my heart.😟

Good morning, thought I would check in as not been on for a while.

Just to join in the discussion on STBX's family, i totally blocked all of his family and mutual friends from my life in December. My anger had been building up as his DM and DSF had not contacted either of their grandchildren since July. They had both had birthdays and Xmas had just passed. Not a card, phonecall, email for either of them......nothing at all!! Now, due to my history with my mum (who has never seen, contacted or been near my kids, they do not know her at all which I like as she is a piece of work) this pushed all my buttons. Fine, don;t talk to me if you don;t want to but do not ignore your grandkids!! I blew up and blocked them all and told STBXH that his DM and DSF would not be getting to see my kids. Of course, I was "overreacting and being irrational"......but it took me to blow up for any contact to be made. We got several feeble excuses from MIL as to why they had not beenin contact for 5 months, which even my DD14 said "she's making excuses, these are not reasons". Anyway the kids have been in contact with them since then and that is fine but I have cut ties. And of course, STBXH as usual hadn't "chased" contact for his kids during that 5 months, obviously it wasn't important for the grandparents to maintain contact at a time when they might just need their support more than ever??? I can honestly say feel better for having cut ties......funnily enough one of his uncles replied to me (I was polite you see, and sent everyone a message telling them why I was cutting contact and wishing them well) and said "glad you managed to escape"!!

It's been quite busy this end for me, lots of help needed at the dog rescue. Had a message from STBXH asking how I was and whether I still wanted him to go to my therapist with me....I replied no. I have well moved on and feel no need to sort out the separation, i'm itching for the time to arrive when I can get the divorce!! Also it was my birthday on Saturday and I got a message "I guess you probably don;t care about it from me but i hope you have a nice birthday and the kids do something nice for you". I ignored it and tried not to let it ruin my day lol.

I suppose they have no choice but to accept the other person, but they are cowards for not supporting us. We have done no wrong. I assume he's swanning about with her and taking her to his family events and presumably they feel loyal to him, but it still doesn't mean they can discount us. It's actually been his elder relatives that have shown more compassion towards me , not the younger ones who I was really close to. Wellyboots, if there was something on the market I fancied it might make it easier, but there's no nice affordable properties. The whole thing is really shitty. She's got what she wants, he's got her, they've got her house and like us I've been left to move house. It's so unfair. Feeling miserable today.

Today I feel like crap. She has them up as her profile picture together, he is still saying hes with no-one......and yesterday he tells me we are and always will be family!! What place does he live in!

The place he lives in is a fantasy land weeweewheels. Keep yourself busy today xx