Does It Get Better Thread 2

[scotgal2017]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/3009364-Does-it-get-better?pg=40

Can't post anymore on orginal thread so started a new one!!

I hope it gets easier as the years go on. I think perhaps marriage (and so not being married when it goes tits up) is much more important to STBX than it is to me. I can coast along for another year and still be married on paper but he wants to be free.

Dueling, it does get easier in one way , but in another it's the realisation AGAIN that this is it. Have a good day everyone X

Dueling, it does get easier in one way , but in another it's the realisation AGAIN that this is it. Have a good day everyone X

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt it’s that I will NOT let my stbxh control my future. I will divorce and sell the house when I’m ready! He has made his choice whic has left me alone and I had no control over that, never gave me a chance. So now it’s my turn to take control and le him wait. Yes it may hang over my head but it will always be there so I aim to make him and her suffer and wait for his money. If he starts divorce proceedings before me I will make his life he’ll!!! Sorry for the rant just feel so angry this morning.

Please may I join? I could do with some support and a hand hold right now.
My situation is slightly different in that it's me who ended our marriage. No affair, no screaming slanging match. I just woke up one morning and realised I wasn't in love with my husband anymore.
We'd been married for 13 years and have 3 young children. When I told him I wanted time apart he didn't take it well at all. It was heartbreaking to see someone you care deeply about unravelling in front of you. We spent so many weeks barricaded in our bedroom just crying together.
Finally he moved out and the guilt hit me. I went off the rails at this point... drinking two bottles of wine every night without fail. It got so bad I didn't even want my children anymore... I just wanted to be out somewhere getting drunk and getting laid.
I'm so ashamed of that.
Four weeks ago I met someone nice but I'm doing a grand job of driving him away with my neediness and my rollercoaster of emotions. I'm a wreck right now and I don't know how to put myself back together.
The evenings are the hardest. When the children go to bed I'm alone with my thoughts and weight of what I've done bears didn't on my chest, crushing me.
I cry myself to sleep every night that my lover isn't here to hold me. When will I see light at the end of this very long tunnel? I feel sometimes like I don't want to wake up tomorrow.

thesweetfantastic sorry no-one answered you yesterday, we aren’t on here as much as we used to be!

Sorry to hear about all you’ve been through. It does get easier but there will be wild ups and downs.

I’m a year into my marriage disintergrating around me now, I was feeling massively low today as had some bad news about my house purchase today but then out of nowhere had some more news that may have completely flipped it around and made it a million iomes better. My point is that if you take it a day at a time and allow yourself time to grief, cry, whatever you need to do then you will find that it’s getting easier beforehand you know it.

As for the potential new relationship my advice would be that now isn’t the right time as you will feel self destructive about it but if it’s meant to be then he’ll still be there when you’re in a better place.

Hello all, just checking in. How are you? Assume getting better little by little. Ups and downs still, some higher some lower. Communication with him starts me off so as little as possible . Anyway, hope everything's ok with you all X

Hi winter everything went tits up with buying a house so staying put for now!

Xw took it surprisingly well but I’d imagine she’ll get worse as time goes on.

Hi the sweetfantastic!!

Wintersnow, I know what you mean :(

Wellyboots sorry about the house, its pants! But glad you are able to stay where you are for now. She needs to remember you have the kids, and its all about them, she will have to wait. You need to get it right for you and the wee ones.

Hi all.
Welly - sorry about the house , that's the next part isn't it? Getting through that. Not easy. You can't help how the sale goes. They've just got to realise that, and they've put us in that situation . Glad she's ok for now ( and I realise that's a mine field.... for now ). X

Hello everyone , can I join you ? I've been reading all your threads the past few weeks and seeing how strong you all have been has been inspirational .
My DH and I are separating , 19 years together , 15 married and 2 children 12.13.
Years of his poor mental health and then getting better / finally taking medication 3 years ago only to then spend all his time with friends 15 years younger , lads holiday , boys nights out etc whilst I continue holding the fort . He was always cruel and controlling ( he blamed that on his mental health) but the agreement to seperate has been mutual . However , he's out living the fun life and I'm the one who seems to be crumbling . Some days I'm strong , looking forward to my new future and some days it's hard to get out of bed . I'm trying live a or always life but I can't get my body to function .
It's only 2 weeks since we agreed the seperation, haven't told children yet , we are selling the house and splitting the assets ( no solicitor involved ) house valuation done yesterday .
Tell me it gets better ?

Hi pippioddstocking. Sorry to hear what you’ve been through.

Just remember that you can only see what they let you see. He might seem happy all the time and living the high life but it could (and possibly is) just a front.

It definitely gets easier but it takes a while. I’m a year in (next week is anniversary of when xw moved out) and I’ve started to notice I’m laughing more at work etc but it took a long time to get there.

Just take some time for yourself to process it and remember that you’re stronger than you feel

Thank you Wellyboots that was a really lovely reply . It's so sad that we have had to go through this but I'm glad for you that things are looking brighter .

Hi Pippioddstocking…… things do get better, it just takes a few months to start it showing. Im so sorry you have found yourself where we all have been. I will admit that now im 6 months past it, im starting to see how bad I was treated, but I just excepted the way he was towards me, now I see how lucky I am, to be able to start over, and be happy, I think you might start seeing that too. Like Wellyboots says, it most likely is all a front, and as times goes on, it will show.

Hi pippiodd, sorry to hear what you're going through. It will get better but it's a slow process. Be prepared for the ups and downs . I found pretending when at work and putting on a cheerful front really helped, but it is hard. Now I'm almost back to my normal self and seeing positives in lots of things. It does take time. I didn't see a way in the beginning, and even now have really big slumps, but deconaty more ups than downs .give yourself time and try to see friends and family and talk to people X good luck X

We told our DS tonight , DD away for a few days . Thought it might be better to tell them separately. He initially seemed to take it well , more upset about moving house but when I went in to say goodnight he told me he knew it was all my fault , that I'm selfish and he wants me to live and be just friends with DH so that he doesn't have to move house . He then refused to hand over his iPad and told me I could no longer tell him what to do as in his eyes I was no longer his parent.
Just spent the last hour in tears .
Oh lord , I hate this .

Hi pippioddstocking sorry you had a rough night. Unfortunately that’s just a selfish teenage response but obviously it doesn’t make it hurt less.

My parents divorced when I was 15 and I know I was bratty about it so try not to take it personally, it’s just his way of processing things

THANKYOU Welly . Cam you think of anything they could have said to make it easier or better for you or anything that really stands out for you to have been something awful they said ? ( just trying to limit the damage as much as I can)
Wintersnow , how's it going for you?

To be honest I think if they’d been more honest about their relationship in the past it might have helped as it was only when going through my own divorce that I learnt my mum had an affair when I was around 8-9 and they were a week or so away from decree absolute before it all fell apart and my dad took her back for my benefit.

Learning that helped explain a lot of things looking back and it’s helped rebuild my relationship with my dad as I’d blamed him for so long for splitting up the family.

My priority at the time was my then gf (the xw) as we’d been together for a few months and living with my dad would’ve put me further away from her. I didn’t really consider how he’d feel about me not seeing him as much and I wish now I could go back and had the relationship I have with him now. Ultimately I think your ds will calm down and understand a bit better but he’ll probably just think about how it affects him only for a while.

I'm not sure pippiodd, it's tough all round. I suppose just being really honest is the best thing . X

Ugh, been a rough week. As it’s half term my xw has the kids a bit more than normal and I’m missing them like crazy!

I did meet up with her on Friday to take the boys swimming which was lovely but a bit of an emotional scramble in my head afterwards.

At least I get the boys back tomorrow

Hi Welly hope things are better with children back. Contact with my ex always leaves me reeling, usually in anger or upset at some of the stupid things he's said or what he tells me that I don't want to hear X hope everyone is ok xx

Hi winter feels much better having them back! Think part of my problem was her and bf doing all the fun days out with the boys that I want to but can’t.

Got a phone call this morning saying our buyer has pulled out so that’ll be an interesting chat with xw later...

I need help! Last night he phoned....drunk....saying he wants to come back home, he misses us, abandoned the kids, hes in a bad place. I reminded him that he is with someone! I doubt I will hear from him today. What the bloody hell does he think he is doing?

weewheels key word there - drunk!

He’s wallowing in his own misery as the grass wasn’t greener and now expects someone else to pick up the pieces. If he broaches the subject again sober I’d tell him where to go!