Does It Get Better Thread 2

[scotgal2017]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/3009364-Does-it-get-better?pg=40

Can't post anymore on orginal thread so started a new one!!

Hi all. I've just dropped off DD for a night with DH at MIL's. It felt so strange leaving her there. I've got a friend coming round tonight for wine and Chinese which I have been looking forward to.

This is the first night in 3 weeks where I don't have to be in Mum mode or worry about finally getting to sleep at 3am and then getting woken at 7am.

I think I'll have to make this (DD sleeping out not the wine) a weekly fortnightly thing. Just to give me a break.

Hey everyone x I've found out that stbxh had more affairs before the 1 he left me for although I feel glad I'm not with him anymore n he will do it again !! I feel sad too like ate whole marriage n life was a lie tgen to top it off seen them both walking into work cuddling . They didn't see me but really he's 40 soon no respect at all xx

That’s horrible layni, I keep seeing stbxw and bf together now as he’s almost always there when I pick the kids up. Days away from decree absolute now but still hurts a bit, weird right?

Only just found this thread! Been thinking the other thread was really quiet - was thinking everyone had just forgotten about it!

Haven't had a chance to catch up so will try and read through. Hope everyone is doing well and feeling a bit more positive x x

I've not started divorce process yet I thought me and ds deserve a holiday so saving up for that first but will start towards end if year . No property or finances to sort so hopefully not too expensive x

I got asked out. I have known this guy for nearly 20 years, though not very close. I went out for coffee a couple of times, and he is lovely. He gets what is happening as he has been apart from his wife for 3 years. But I just cant do it, as great as he is, its far to soon, and he wants more than I can give. I suppose its made me realise, I need to be with me and the kids only, and its going to be that way for a long time.
Divorce is big on my mind also, I think I need to start looking into that more now too, but it just feels so finale.
Hope everyone is doing ok x

weewheels if the guy is right for you the next he’ll wait until you’re ready. I couldn’t take the leap so know how you feel.

Today is decree absolute day but need to talk to solicitor first about a few things. Really conflicted as want the marriage over so I can move on but not the guilt of saying “yes, end it”

Wellyboots, its the fact that it says the end. I know how you are feeling. Thinking of you today x

Evening all! Back from Belfast and need a few days to catch up (read sober up lol!!)

Just wanted to check in, Like sunflowers will catchup with coffee in hand tomorrow xx

So he’s actually going to view a couple of places today - I should be happy or relieved or something that the he’s actually making a positive move, that the shite atmosphere we’ve all been living in might soon ease but I’m so caught in my emotions :( All I keep thinking is how I’m going to be sat on my own forever, never affording to go anywhere or do anything and that i’ll even the kids will want to stay with him instead of me once they see him in his own place & he lets them do what they want etc - all I ever seem to do is nag or worry because I’m always the one that has to be responsible for everything whereas he just gets to effing Play his games & read his books etc etc & shut off from the world Worse is that it’s meant to be our 20th wedding anniversary in a couple weeks and I’m so sad thinking about what could have been or what was. I know deep down it’s the right thing to do, I don’t want to end up hating him forever but I sometimes wish I could have carried on like there was nothing wrong rather than get to a point where I couldn’t do it anymore. On the other hand I’ve found poems & letters I wrote over the last 6 years if not longer!! Saying how crap the situ was & what needed to change & how trapped/sad I felt - it’s made me realise how long I held on for trying to make things better by myself “for the kids sake” etc and then I wish I’d had the balls to say “enough is enough” years ago!! Wtf brain ?!? Gonna be a long day :( Hope everyone keeping safe & warm in this bad weather xx

joomoomies it’s a positive step, might not seem it but it is.

I get feeling like you have no time and that they will be seen as the “fun parent” but you’ll always be there and your kids will realise that.

We got an offer on our house yesterday - too low but it’s getting real now

wellyboots86 scary huh but at least another positive move - nothing worse than waiting or being stuck in some kind of limbo, hugs. Are you going to accept the offer?

I know the kids aren’t daft & it’s deffo me they come to when they need to talk or need someone which is reassuring but they still think he’s amazing and I just want to scream at them that he only does what he has to do when I remind him or tell him so that they aren’t let down?!? Don’t mind me, am clearly having a pathetic morning. Going to turn my mood on it’s arse, wrap up & find somewhere for a wander I think, clear the cobwebs!
Was sposed to be visiting eldest at uni in Norwich this week but so far not had a chance of getting there as the roads have been too bad apparently (Yorkshire to Norfolk).

Hi everyone been reading the last few messages.
It's hard thinking about what was, what we wanted, planned etc. But this would have happened I'm sure further down the line then and be even harder??? That's what I tell myself anyway. I have to get through it as soon to have been 3 months and I'm up and down and can't wait for the day the sick feeling stops.

I get the feeling of everyone moving on. It's so hard with the children staying with other parent even tho it's only weekends for me. They do all the fun stuff while we do the mundane day to day. And tbh that scares me because I'm afraid one day 6yo will want to live with him when he has the choice!

Mine are older Amaz24 19 & at uni so she isn’t often here anyway but the 17.5 yr old is at the tricky ‘wants to be a man & still a boy’ stage & is definitely testing the waters. I keep thinking he will more than likely Choi to go with his Dad if he can as he will be able to do what he wants which worries me. The 13yr old is most practical one but also I worry that she will go with him because she feels sorry for him “being on his own”, the irony being that when/if that happens I will be on my own too but they seem to see me as the ‘strong’ one. Truth is, I don’t want them to do anything because they think they should or because they feel sorry for either of us. It’s not fair on them x

*choose

I’ll only accept if it gives me the money I need to buy a house I want. Stbxw is getting arsey with me now and moaning about how much she’s struggling. Told her she didn’t care when she broke my heart and now can’t expect things all her way

Darn right welly. We’ve had a low offer come in too. Although this is good for me as I’m trying to buy her out, she has decided she and ds need to stay until the end of the school year. But she also wants to push the buyout by me to complete as quickly as possible. This is what I’m up against. Have (extremely politely) told her to go do one. I want it off the market whilst my mortgage is sorted. If I fail, then it can go back on in June. It only took 10 days to get the first offer and it’s in a really good road. She ended the relationship, I effectively had to leave, she expects me to hand over her equity ASAP, and then live in my house till it suits her

The fxcking nerve of some people grrr.

I guess agreeing to sell and doing it are two different things though. If I find the numbers don’t add up I’ll just end up staying put!

Annoying that she says I’m being awkward because I won’t do it all at her pace/her way

Too right wellyboots86 stand firm!

After viewings today H has put in for a house to rent :/ if he gets it will be moving out end of March. Part of me wants to scream at him not to go, that it’s all a big mistake and I want to try again, and part of me just wants to scream full stop that he watched me get to the point where I had an actual breakdown and couldn’t cope and still didn’t help me. That memory keeps me strong in my decision.
Scary to think what’s coming though.

You think its bad enough when they leave you, but what comes next is just as bad. We get knocked down at every corner.
I have just told him I want a divorce, and he doesn't want to rush it....says he hasn't thought about it! Why?
I can see on our joint account that he is seeing someone, I told him that last night, and he is still saying I'm mad.....he stays with her every weekend!
He told me about a month ago, that he has kept every text I sent, and he will take it to a solicitor, yes I did send them, I was upset and angry at him leaving.....finding out about the ow at the time, which he stills says didn't happen. Now I fear that he will use that when I go for a divorce. But I also have things now on him. I know he will get nasty.
But I just don't understand.....what is going on in his head that he isn't thinking divorce?
I'm going out tonight for the first time since we spilt up, its also my first night out being single in almost 15.5 years.....I don't like that feeling :(

Perhaps the not agreeing is him hedging his bets. He’s clearly being self centred and cruel. If he’s able to think denying ow is ok when it’s as clear as you say, he’s off in his own little dream world.

I had the “you said some horrible things and I’m so hurt” card played on me too, as my ex took my son out of my life and shat all over our future. Apparently that makes me a bad guy. It truly sucks, when they’re the ones causing the immense damage, with their actions, and then start playing the victim about texts sent at the point your heart is breaking. It shows how out of whack people can go to when trying to justify their actions. For me it’s jusr reinforcing what I know about my ex- she is a selfish deluded idiot. Hop you all have a good day, off to work for the first time since Monday as I have been snowed in, in the new forest.

good evening folks, how is everybody's weekend going?

I'd been feeling oddly calm and mainly "over it" as I learn more and more that the 20 years with STBXH was not a "normal" relationship. i've employed the tactic of remembering negative things when i find myself feeling down about it. If you don't mind I wanted to share that list with you? Maybe (or maybe not) it may help some of you to compile your own list to help you get through this by focussing on why you are better off without the DP.

By the way this list is not comprehensive...these are things I remember over 20 years. Some things have stuck with me so vividly I could tell you everything about what happened, what was said etc. So, although i haven't been the perfect wife, I feel i've put up with a lot where many people would have LTB a long time ago. Indeed, I am now with the frame of mind that he did me and my kids a huuugggeee favour by upping and leaving us. I haven't smiled, relaxed and laughed with my kids as much as I have in the last couple of months.

Anyway, please be aware there is sensitive events in the list so this is a warning to readers beforehand that some things mentioned may cause upset or stir up memories.

• Smashed both wedding rings with a hammer
• Hit my head off floor several times which was concrete underneath carpet during an argument
• Held me by the throat up against the wall in a lift.
• Hit me in stomach when pregnant with first child.
• Blocked exits
• Wouldn’t let me walk country lane from house to meet lift when leaving with kids 2009
• Went to strip clubs/lapdancing clubs for 14 years without my knowledge
• Went to strip clubs after learned of it and didn’t tell me had been (as promised)
• Pulled his pants down in street with a group of people and his sister when drunk (came out at same time as strip clubs, so kept hidden from me as well)
• Accused of cheating when drunk
• Pushed around when drunk
• Pinned me down in public park and shouted in my face after coming back from night out (drunk) and taken away to police station as someone called police, not released until next day.
• Calls me names and swears, even in front of kids, when having an argument.
• I’m never right about anything!
• If i did something it’s not right unless it’s done the way he thinks it should be done.
• Criticised for not dressing up enough, not wearing makeup, not putting on sexy underwear, hairstyle being the same for 20 years etc
• Never enough sex and never initiated by me.
• Called fat to my face.
• Kicked a hole in a door.
• Flirted with a friend when I was sitting right next to him!
• Thrown various items at me or just when angry when arguing.

Jesus scotgal! He’s lucky you hadn’t pressed charges multiple times, what a prick!

Just had a massive row about money with stbxw as she’s getting the hump now that she’s not getting as much as she was expecting (largely due to her own stupid choices) if I agree to sell at current price. Can’t help feel that had she actually taken the time to speak to me like I wanted ages ago about money instead of always being in a rush to go collect bf we could’ve avoided an arguement but, like you, I’ve come to realise what a selfish, self-absorbed person she is.

She’s getting shitty about seeing her kids the weekend before ds2’s birthday now as well, we were supposed to be doing something fun together and now playing the “it’s my weekend” card. Well that works both ways!

Be lovely to get all this done with so I can settle into my new life properly and watch her waste her money on needless holidays etc and then wonder why she can’t buy her own place. Of course that’ll be my fault too

I’ve not been on for a while, I’ve been feeling really sad and lonely and not coping too well. It’s good to chat to some familiar voices who know what I’m going through. I’m trying not to dwell on my feelings in front of friends and family as 8 months on I get the feeling they think I should be moving on. But it’s so hard isn’t it. I wish I could get him out of my head and stop having these jealous feelings of them living happily after. I miss him so much but is it because I still love him or the fact I’m feeling so lonely and want that familiar someone to be there? He’s made it perfectly clear that he doesn’t want me and I would never lower myself to let him know how I feel, instead I suffer in silence! He’s now badgering me to sort the house and finances and I have stood my ground and said I will do it when I’m ready. It fills me with so much sadness that I will have to leave my family home through no fault of my own and I will be a divorcee after 31 years of marriage. What on earth went wrong?!?