Feeling sad....but will get there!

[Moocow72]

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

The other thing is I am taking them to my mums for 4 nights so I feel like I am being unfair to my ex. Arrghh - so difficult!

Crumpet. I am feeling very much the same. He never did any parenting when we were together and worked away months at a time. So I have done every bed time. Night waking and early morning.

The thought of them not being with me breaks my heart. He is use to it as worked away long periods. So no skin off his nose.

He doesn't have a place yet but I floated 24 hours and 1 over night a week. But he has bounced back with every other weekend. Once he has his own place. I can't bear not seeing them for whole weekend. But that is my issues. And I recognise that. Although I am fully expecting him to get bored of it all and feel his social life being neglected. We shall see.

It all just sucks.

Just had long conversation with mil. Explaining that I don't think it is right I bring the kids at half term now. As much as I want too. Because I have always done it most school holidays. He worked. I have to respect that it is his family and give him the opportunity to make that contact and build a stronger relationship moving forward. She is not happy. Said I wouldn't dream of them not seeing kids if he didn't bring them. But I need to step back now. She is like a second mum to me. 😪

God it's been a long day today. Hopefully less tension tomorrow.

Eve

That’s exactly it - I know the issue around him having the kids is my issue long term ( as my youngest will get used to it and be ok) and I will deal with it as I genuinely want them to have a close and equal relationship with their dad. But it does feel so unfair when I have been the one that has made sure I’m always there for them, whilst he has put himself and what he wanted first. And the thought of them going away for weeks is so hard when this isn’t my choice. And it breaks my heart that my youngest thinks I’m choosing to leave him when he wants me to stay.

My ex doesn’t have his own place yet - he comes and does bed twice in the week then has them all day Sunday and overnight every other Saturday - when I find somewhere else to stay. I find that ok. Long term though I know he wants a roughly 60/40 split at least - which I am dreading. Again though I think it probably is best for the kids but yes it sucks.

Crumpet. You are being very amicable. Letting him come to the house and be so involved. It is fantastic for the kids that you have such a mutual agreeable arrangement. I just want to punch mine in the head at the moment.

Kids are very resilient. And adapted well. Although I fully expect mine to understand this situation more once he has them at his over night. Right now nothing much has changed. He pops in and out and I do everything.

How old is your youngest. Could they text or have phone they can call you on.

Think it is just a case of time. My parents separated. And although I hated leaving my mums. Once we had got down the road I was fine. And had lovely time with my Disney Dad. But he was not involved very much at all.

I'm too wound up to sleep now.

Eve

I hope you managed to get some sleep.

My youngest is only 3 - you are right though he will get used to it. As will all of us in the end

Morning . Seems like we're all struggling with the kids going away! Mine is going to dads sat-mon. 2 nights! He's had him once overnight and all I did was cry! Little one who is 6 is so excited! That's what I have to think of. Ex is still asking if he can tell little one about his gf!!! He's only been with her a month he says! We've only split up Dec after I found out about his affair. I do t believe him as he's a liar. I've said no but I can't stop him!!! I'm still struggling with everything and so is little one at times still asking questions but ex doesn't see that. He's happy so that's it

I’m really struggling this morning over such a small thing.

My ex bought me a ticket to something i really live for my birthday ( just after he had confirmed he wanted to split). It is something I used to go to a lot before I had kids, and was very important to me and my passion I guess. I wasn’t able to go after kids largely because ex was away so much and I didn’t have a babysitter (he has said he will stay and look after the kids when I go). So it was a thoughtful gift.

It’s tomorrow and I just can’t bring myself to go. I don’t know why but even the thought of the ticket is making me cry - am currently sitting in the toilets at work trying to pull myself together. I really feel I can’t go so have decided to pretend to my ex that I’m going and meet a close friend for dinner instead. But then I feel awful lying to him like that - but it would feel like I was trying to be horrible/make a point if I told him I wasn’t going.

So strange but it’s like this gift somehow symobolises everything I wanted from him and everything I’ve lost the chance of having.

Oh crumpet. I think you need to do whatever you feel
Most comfortable with. It must be so upsetting as you say it is something that is SPECIAL to you. And it came from him.

I have put away all the clothes. Coats and item he bought I can't bear them. That at the time he thought enough of me to buy these things. And now he doesn't give a toss

I'm in pieces today. I can't stop crying. I just don't see a future that doesn't have him in it. And I can't bear the thought of having to share the kids. I just don't understand how he thinks that is ok?

Eve

I’m sorry you are having a really hard day as well. I think you have expressed perfectly re the clothes what I’m feeling - it’s like this ticket reminds me of when he used to regularly get me gifts like that and when I mattered to him. I have pieces of jewellery I can’t wear for similar reasons.

The one thing I have learnt though is that getting through this has many phases and ups and downs and this one will pass and by next week feeling smay be different again.

Hi eve and crumpets

Sorry you’re both having such a tough day- I hope you can find some time to treat yourself as you’re both doing so well.

It’s such a rollercoaster though, I’m having a positive evening. Had another school open evening with eldest today and this is the third thing I’ve done with ex since we separated and it gets easier each time. I even managed to crack some jokes and could look at ex and talk to him without all this seething resentment.

So just hang on in there as this gloom will lift and with each one that descends on us we will get stronger.

Hugs xx

@eve34 I feel exactly the same about not seeing a future without them and not wanting to share the kids!!! I hate the thought of 6yo not being with me. Don't see how it will get easier.
All I have hope with is I don't deserve how he treated me. I deserve to be treated better but all that makes me think is how he used to be although that was a long time ago.

All I know is the positive things and advise people put on here helps. People in a similar situation.

I also found I had so much support at first, people contacting visiting etc everyday. There now getting on with their lives and mine still feels frozen and raw.

Thanks Moo I’m feeling much better this evening- just had my first ever driving lesson ( at over 40!) and I was actually not too bad at all plus I enjoyed it ( although it is going to be a looong haul!). Then had dinner with some friends where I didn’t talk about the separation at all, which was also good. I hate the way it has come to dominate so many conversations and I don’t want it to define me, so it was lovely to be out and just talk about normal stuff in a group.

As you say it is a rollercoaster - but I think knowing that helps as even when at the bottom you know it will lift for a while. I hope that gradually the lows become less regular. One day we will all look back on this time thread and be amazed as to how far we have come.

Hugs to everyone who is struggling

Hi everyone...I'm sorry to read about the struggles..they're so bloody tough to deal with.
My separation isn't as recent as yours and I promise with all my heart that it does get easier; whether through acceptance or resignation, I don't know, but, it does ease.
We have our parts to play in that,making lives for ourselves whether it's simply being still with the shite or being out and about doing stuff.

Small steps are truly effective. Self belief, from deep within doesn't happen overnight though, that I know for sure. Happen it will though... I'm finding myself more determined than ever and it IS working.

Your journey, your life. It's there for the taking, bit by bit.

Hugs and strength to you all xx

So. Thank you for your words of moral support I know this will pass and I will look back and wonder why I was so upset. But right now I want to stamp my feet like a child and say I don't want this. I want him here working towards putting things right.

I don't want to be apart from my kids. I don't want to share them. And I don't want someone else playing Mum to them. And I want him here with me.

There is a very tiny part of me that thinks I don't want such a selfish man in my life. But I would compromise to have the family together.

I know my head is screwed.

Amaz. We will get through this. Stay strong xx

Hope everyone has a better day. X

Thanks soso for the words of encouragement - I know you are right! It’s interesting reading all the posts to see how, although different in some ways, the iOS and downs do seem to be similar do everyone at around the same stage.

My ex was around to take my eldest to school this morning and really irritated me - so that was a helpful reality check . A reminder of who he is now and what our relationship was like ( am sure I irritated him as well!).

I’ve also been thinking a bit about long term - and whether to move away back to where I’m from. Which would allow me to change careers like I’d been planning to, have more time with the kids, buy a house with a garden and bedroom each for the kids, good secondary school and lots of family and friends support for me. I’d been discounting it because the kids wouldn’t see ex as much unless he agreed to move ( although lots of people do work away and come back at the weekend) - although there would be lots of other pluses for the kids. But then last night I started to think why should I have to stay in a career I don’t want to do, shelve all my plans, and struggle financially because of his decision ( when I supported him following his dream for 8 years). So I’ve decided to at least keep that option open as a serious consideration.

Hope everyone has a good day x

Crumpet I think you should seriously look into it and see how viable it would be. Sounds like it would be wonderful opportunity for you guys and some distance might not be a bad thing.

So another roller coaster of a day. But another day done.

Hi all, new to this thread (and the site really)

I had the first meeting with Xp and 6yo ds yesterday. She left me a fortnight ago and I’ve moved out of the family home for his sake as he has to go to school.

It was lovely to see him and i had a good laugh joking with him. He seems to know what has happened even though we haven’t actually told him yet - daddy’s poorly and has to be away is all he should know. He said to me he’d had the best times with me in that house (so did I) and that was hard to hear and not cry.

We’ve arranged the next meeting in 10 days or so, but it’ll just be an hour or two up the park. I felt happy that a next date is set, but 24 hours later am just sat here feeling incredibly lonely; it’s like my ds is slipping away from me. He surrounded by her cold harsh family who in the latter stages made no effort to hide how useless they thought I was. Can’t help but think he will only grow to believe they are right; all he’s hearing is she just had no choice to leave. We weren’t striving enough, and were too much just-about-managing for her tastes. Her family are a bunch of tally ho tories so I shoulda seen that one coming I spose, even after 12 years.
So my ds is hearing all this crap about me and has to make sense of it now. That’s the way it works in the real world and I guess that’s how my ds knew.

I’m trying to sort out where to go in the future so as to have a happy base for him to stay, but it’s pretty bloody depressing looking at property in the south east. I have chunk of cash but a low wage and a flat above a Kebab shop is about the best I can manage. Will have to rethink.

Evening lonelycrab. It sounds like a difficult situation for you all. Have you had any legal advice?

Is there a reason that your contact is being facilitated by your ex wife? And such long periods in between. Usually contact is one week night and every other weeks? Although I am assuming you don't have a place to take your son. Which is the situation my kids Dad is in so he has them one day every weekend. And takes them out for the day.

Hope that the situation quickly improves for you.

Hi eve,

It’s all amicable. I left our house as I didn’t feel it right to have a hostile environment for my son.

it’s just the first few days, and I’m staying between friends and parents. It maybe months though till the house is sold and we each move.

Once settled I’m sure it will be ok, but right now

eve absolutely stamp your feet if you want to.. i still stamp mine. doubt I'll ever stop.

lonely make sure your ex knows you would like to see DS regularly - it will definitely help you both, I think.

WE're all laying foundations for an uncertain future and are realising we have to dig a lot deeper than we first thought. I remember thinking the decision to split was the hardest part. Far bloody from it.

I really hope i am not patronising anyone - just sharing what i know has worked for me. I'm undergoing some coaching in self-compassion and working towards the good as opposed to away from the bad, if that makes sense?
Subtle difference in meaning but huge difference in how my thinking influences my feelings and subsequent (in)actions

How is everyone's weekend. Hope you are all doing ok.

Ups and downs here but moving forward.

He moved out about 6 weeks ago. Staying with friends. I never asked I don't care. For some reason yesterday I got a text out of the blue saying I should let you know where I'm staying with the address. I didn't reply. But it just seemed a bit random. Still can't figure it out.

Well it is half term and we aren't doing very much. Trying to relax a bit and get use to being home more.

Other than that all is calm here. Although still few tears. It is early days.

@eve I think ups and down are expected. Strange how he said about the address. I think it's good you didn't respond and shows him how your not interested! Good on you. Enjoy the half term with the kids.

I've been alone this weekend as ex has had little one sat- mon. Ex decided he's telling little one about his girlfriend. I've said my opinion and how I think it's wrong after one month but can't stop him. We separated Dec after his year long affair with someone different to now!!!! Tbh I think he's also lied about how long he's been with her. So let's see how little one is when he gets back.

We are then going to my family for half term so really looking forward to that.

I've decided to apply for a new job near family. 200 miles away from where we are now. Haven't told ex and don't know how he's going to be about it! I can't live where I am now or afford to buy on my wage here. Where family live I can afford what I want!

It's all so hard. I have the little ones best interest at heart! But I also have to be happy for him.

Hi all

Haven’t really had much time this weekend to catch up with the posts but hope things are going ok for everyone and that half term goes well for all x

I’m working all week but very lucky that I can work from home if need be so will probably be doing that most days which makes it easier.

I’m still adjusting to my new life and at times worry that I will just get used to being on my own a lot of the time and will never feel like making a new life for myself, but I don’t feel lonely really as have some close friends and colleagues who I can talk to (either virtually or in person) if I need to, which makes me happy. I worry where I’ll be in six months time when ds1 finishes exams and I probably am forced to face the fact that we need to sell the house to clear the joint debt (even though i am paying the mortgage and bills now, which is manageable - I know I will struggle to take over the mortgage officially due to paying half of the joint debt we have that would be wiped out with the equity from the house sale). Just means I will leave the house that I love and basically have to find somewhere similar to rent for me, kids and dog as won’t have any money for a deposit to buy. But just need to push that to the back of my head for now and just focus on getting through the next few months.

Hugs to all xx

Amaz. Hope you have enjoyed your weekend. I am not looking forward to filling whole weekends. But beginning to adjust. How old is your son? I think they will take it in their stride. I said a few weeks ago that he wasn't to introduce her to the kids. But now I am a bit more relaxed. I am sure a few dates with my two will send her running for the hills. We shall see. Good for you going for the job. See what happens and take it from their.

Moo. Must be a worry for you about the house. And exam year too. It is all the uncertainty. Lots of changes for everyone. X