Feeling sad....but will get there!

[Moocow72]

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

Hi everyone. I cannot express how much your posts have helped me. I'm sitting alone in my bed at 5 am reading about my life! My husband of 15 years has finally told me yesterday that he did not want to be with me anymore, it was all after a few dreadful days as he had moved out on Wed to allegedly clear his head. It's a bit more complicated though: he was having a tough time: his company closing down soon, his best friend dying of cancer ad our life with two boys being very routine and pretty mundane (life isn't it). But I felt happy, at peace, yes bored at times but he never gave me any reason to believe he was unhappy.
Friend died two weeks ago and his sister came for the funeral from abroad. He had a nervous breakdown and started texting and walking to her daily, telling me that he was finding comfort in it as she remindes him of his friend and also that be never talked to a woman friend this easily. I was not impressed but let it go thinking; anything to make him feel better. He was assuring me he loved me and only me but I just knew deep inside that something had changed. Funny how just a few days can make such a difference. Last Wed all of a sudden he said he didn't know if he loved me anymore and had to leave to think. Where did he go? To his dead friend's house where his wife and son live and guess who else🤢? Her!!! They were spending days together with our kids and her girl. He finally told me yesterday and I somehow felt strangely calm almost empty. At least I know and it's as I suspected. How is it that we just know! He said he's got feelings for her but she doesnt know yet (she does a little as i spoke to her on Wed and said that she needs to be careful and not to give home any signs as is I'll and a bit too much involved) and she's gotta go back home next week and not likely to come and live here. Sane bullshit: I was unhappy for the past year (really?)I didn't want to talk about it blah blah blah...He's hoping for a relationship with her now and thats why its so easy to close this chapter having someone else lined up. I'm so angry, devastated too but more for my boys and my routine being ruind bit angry mostly. Yes I cry and scream but at the same time feel numb...😔He is not my husband, he seems obsessed, in different dimension. How am I supposed to live now again, all seems so empty and pointless. I hope it won't work out for them and he'll be as heartbroken as I am.

Morning Sharon. It is funny how they all had someone new lined up. And have apparently been unhappy for years 🙄.
This will get easier. Be kind to yourself and your boys. You will get through this.

I know. He is so adamant our relationship was going nowhere anyway. How funny as I never really noticed!

And apology for all the typos! Been texting in darkness barely alive and with sore eyes. I can do better! Tough day today, more tears as I think yesterday news are finally getting through to me and it's hitting me hard. I have to keep myself busy. I'm off sick till next Wed and planing to sort his clothes and other stuff out. He has asked me if he could come and sleep on sofa after she leaves(!) because of money and time to find new place. Imagine my face!

Hi Sharon

Sorry that you have to join us on this thread but hope that it helps you.

Good grief, that sounds so much to cope with. I can’t imagine things will end well with your ex and this other woman as the basis for their relationship seems to be grief from him losing his friend and he seems to be just desperately looking for something.

I think all you can do is protect yourself and your kids as much as possible and let him go ahead and live his new life and make his own mistakes.

It is tough I know and you are in very early days - my ex told me he wanted a separation back in November but realistically I knew we had problems long before that, but just thought it was a phase and we would get through it. Ex was determined to find happiness elsewhere and so moved out after Christmas. He has continued to be a good dad to our kids but I can never forgive him for putting his happiness above everyone elses.

It’s strange but I get by, after 30 years of being together and married for 18 then I expect it to be a good while yet before things feel “normal”.

Lots of hugs to you and please try and treat yourself whenever you can - even if it’s just a nice bath, a cake and a cup of coffee or a few minutes watching some TV that you like. These little things will get you through and give your mind a break from everything else going on that can be so hard to comprehend.

Hugs xx

Thank you do much. Same goes to you lovely ladies, we will all get through this and I notice can't stop myself singing Tina Tuner's "When the heartache is over" and I know it will be exactly that way. Would I want somebody like that back? Wondering for the rest of my life " is it because it didn't work out for them, am I the second best now? Is he thinking something again?". No thank you. I'll pass, hurts like hell now but Ill pass.

Sharon.

Do not let him sleep on the sofa. Let him feel the consequences of his decision. I did this. And bailed him out for few months. Thinking I was doing the right thing. But I was just being used. Because he knew I loved him and wouldn't say no. Now I'm broke and back to square one of recovering. Stay strong. You are worth more than him. X

Yes I know you're right. I said no. He is desperate and panicking worrying he won't be able to afford a place or buy items. Do I give a toss? No but worried he'll get nastier because of that.

Hello everyone

Hope you are all doing OK. I’ve been away at my mums with hardly any internet signal for a few days. Sharon I’m really sorry this has happened to you, it must be incredibly difficult. As Moo says try to find some space for yourself in all of this and do something nice for yourself, even if it is just a little thing.

I haven’t had a chance to catch up on all the posts but hope everyone is feeling OK or at least finding ways to cope! I’ve had a lovely few days seeing family and friends and the kids are so happy here - at the same time though I find the being away by myself on holiday always makes it hit home, so it is also hard in some ways. Plus leaving all the support and going back to reality is tough. Still I have reflected that I’m in a better place than when I was last here and hadn’t told the kids yet!

Have waves of panic about the future occasionally - selling the house, where to live. But then just try to let it go and not worry about it now. Most unlike me! This experience is teaching me to live in the moment more and let go of the control.

Ilovecrumpets - so good you spent quality time with your family, wish I could do that! I found talking and venting to others cleansing - every time the gravity of it all becomes smaller as people keep telling me that I have nothing to cry about even though I have to as a part of grieving process and nothing to be ashamed of. He is an a...le not me. I feel better each day,only worry about future ( finances, childcare and his accommodation as he can't really afford a flat to rent) and revisiting past too much smetimes especially on lonely night. Happy memories...

Hi everyone, can I jump in here on this thread?

Having a really sad day today. Due to be served within next few weeks, from a 20 year marriage, although been separated for nearly 18 months.

I thought I was okay with everything, but so much has come to light recently that I feel like I am back at square 1 emotionally now. Friends turned against me, stbx has told such malicious lies about me to anyone who will listen, the very hardest part of that is that friends are believing him... and none of it is true. I cant believe that someone I have known for so very long, and loved can turn so hurtful towards me and change so much.... and I honestly can not think of one thing that I have done to deserve it. I always try to keep thing amicable, agree to let him have dc when he wants them even if it means juggling things around to make it happen.... its just SHIT.

So I saw a counsellor last year, and just knew I needed to talk to someone today. So I did, I feel better, but still raw. She gave me details of a divorce group counselling session that is starting soon. So I phoned the chap to find out if I can attend, didn't I just burst into tears on the phone, could hardly get a word out. Its through a local church (paying private for counselling isn't an option right now) and to hear his concern about me on the other end of the phone..... just broke me. No one ever asks how I am doing? Not even my so called friends. Its all about their problems, its always just expected that I can handle everything and I will be fine. So, I don't know why I got so emotional, I have never even spoken to this chap before, and there he was asking me if I am ok, am I safe, would I be able to drive to get to him.... just made me so emotional that a complete stranger seems to care more than those people around me.

Anyway, apologies for just jumping in here like this, just think this is probably a good place just to get some stuff out and off my chest.

You are very welcome here Is

I can relate to feeling overwhelmed by kindness at times. Viscerally so.

Please take it as a sign of healing. Their interaction with you is touching something in your core that has been long buried, I'd wager.

You sounds bewildered, understandably so. Please know that things will ease, that the truth will out. It always does.

You matter so much. I think you know you do aswell, because you are seeking help...that's a huge step to take

Bravo you xx

Hi is

Sorry just read your message - sorry to hear you have to join us as it’s always sad that there are other people going through a hard time but I hope we can offer you some comfort here !

You sound like you’ve had so much to cope with, as so said, the truth will come out eventually and people will feel foolish. But from your point of view, although hard to deal with now, will show you who matters in your life.

Well done for contacting that group, it sounds like just the thing you need to offload - sometimes it’s easier with strangers and it sounds like the chap you spoke to will be able to give you support and help you realise you’re not alone.

Look after yourself and I hope things start and get easier for you xx

All - silly question I know but how are we feeling about Valentines Day ? I’ve been tutting disapprovingly and all the shmaltzy stuff in the supermarket for the last week but now the day is here I just feel sad. It will be the first one for 30 years that I haven’t had a card from ex.

I know it probably seems daft as I’m not one of those for outward displays of affection and parading valentines presents to all and sundry but just the fact that I won’t even get a card just makes me feel a bit strange.

But I’ll get through it and it’s no big deal in the long run, just another “first” that I have had to deal with.

Hugs to all xx

Morning all

Is. You have done so well reaching out for support. You are getting through this. And talking really helps. I am finding I can actually talk about other things now and he isn't my whole topic of conversation. I am looking forward to my counselling though am hoping it will finally put it to bed for me.

Moo. I was dreading today. One of the kids got me a v card instead off Mother's Day as they liked it. I was never big on the day. But I know he will of bought the new girlfriend stuff. He likes to show off. She is very young so won't see through his lavish gift giving sadly. There is no substance to the man. But that is her problem now.

I started my meds. I couldn't go on crying on and off. I am hoping the woolly head and sleepiness will pass. I hate it. And hate him for putting me through this.

He wanted to see the children to make pancakes yesterday. Said I would go out. As I have plans. He said very mysterious. But then got stuck in traffic. I wish I never had to see him ever again.

Was never bothered about Valentine's Day but now I have. I one to 'celebrate' it with it seems a big issues to me!
Ex was never bothered in 15 years or so he said but yet I'm sure he's bothered about it with her and trying to show how he is!
I feel very sad today 😪 but angry also 😡as I'm still feeling upset about it all. I want to be happy. I want to not give a shit like him. But I can't as he meant something to me x

Hope everyone is ok today. Remember it is just another day!!!!!

Hi Is sorry to hear what you are going through. I am in a very similar situation with the lies and betrayal. Knowing that the xp is basically spouting a load of bs to all those she is close to (people that I’d also got to know and like over the years) is incredibly frustrating. I had carried her both emotionally and financially for years and years and she just didn’t get the bit that in a relationship that’s how it goes. I had a quiet couple of months with my business when she was busy and that was no good, so she ignored all the positives from the past and finished it. I feel so much anger - not because our relationship had ended so much but because she’s let our son down badly.

Talking to sympathetic strangers like you have can really help, as does venting on here so keep us posted. In my darkest hour I called the Samaritans - not because I was about to top myself, I have to be strong for my son, but just to speak to a calm caring voice. He made me look at the situation in a way that put her actions into perspective. I’ve said before that bad people (your ex) will always be that, and the person you thought you were loving was just a facade. The real person is the one they turned into. It was there all along and even after years and years, it’s better to find out sooner than later.

Lonely, I called Lifeline which is a similar charity.
I didn't want to die but I was hurting so much and wanted the shit to stop. Cue nervous breakdown.

That was almost 4 years ago now. It's upsetting to recall how distressed I was.

For you all, today 💕💕💕

Thanks soso

So sorry everyone is having to go through this - but being able to vent here certainly helps. Hope the day passes quickly. I’m sure we will all come out of this stronger in the end - even if this isn’t the path we would have chosen.

Also finding valentines a bit odd too, even though never been that bothered before! Plus heading home from my mums with the kids to an empty house which is another first. Being there has really made me think if it was just about me and the kids I’d definitely move back - less exciting than the big city but so much more support and friends to do stuff with, and the kids love all the space and being outside. Plus wouldn’t have financial pressures. But then there is the question of my ex and how much the kids would see him. Struggling with where to strike the balance between everyone’s needs - so tricky. Perhaps something to explore with a counsellor.

Thank you so much everyone, quite overwhelmed at the support, I wish I had found this thread a bit sooner.

Well, Valentines day.... it was never a big thing in our marriage anyway, but I had put the thought of today to the back of my mind. My dd is performing this evening in a show, which we only found out about at the last minute really, so I am quite relieved that I will have something to do, although I am sure I will be surrounded by couples, but it beats sitting at home. After I posted yesterday I felt so much better, and when I woke up this morning, I though F**K them all, put on a nice dress, did my hair, put on makeup and am going about my day....

Oh, and the chap from the counselling course called me a bit earlier. He just said that he was a bit worried, how did I feel today and told me a little about the course that we didn't quite get to yesterday.... he and his wife run it, both themselves divorced, about 8 - 12 people will be in the group. Its not starting for two weeks, but in my mind I know its a good thing to do now.

Chin up everyone to get through the day.

Sounds perfect and good on you for getting the glad rags on etc x

Evening

How is everyone tonight?

So this evening I finally got my ex to admit he is seeing someone else - I’m assuming this is the person he claims he had feelings for during our marriage ( am fairly certain he actually had an affair but couldn’t be bothered to probe his lies further) given he only moved out just after Christmas.

It’s weird as I suspected this all along but it was still strange hearing him confirm it ( and then he followed up with ‘I’m just being honest’ ). It was all awkward afterwards as although I didn’t react beyond a slight raise of the eyebrows into my soup pan , I couldn’t really look at him afterwards.

It’s the whole pretence nothing was going on when we were married that really grates, when I was trying to make things work. And he obviously just moved onto the next person.

It has helped me resolve just to be civil to him going forwards - things had started getting more chatty again but I need to go back to just civil and just about the kids again. Which is a good reminder for me.

Hi crumpets

Sorry to hear you had your suspicions confirmed - but in a way it’s a good thing as you say you always suspected it and sometimes it makes us feel better about our own judgement when we have it confirmed.

I agree, keeping things civil and just about kids helps. Since I sent him my emotionally fuelled rant about how I felt about him moving on so quickly and getting the patronising responds, our texts have purely been about the kids.

And although there have been times I’ve been very tempted to send him messages of a more emotional nature, I’ve resisted (mainly because I know his response wouldn’t address my message at all and would just be something patronising like ‘I thought we were just messaging about the kids’).

As far as him and OW are concerned, I know nothing more about whether it’s progressed or not - and to be honest don’t think i want to know but I do accept that if it has and it continues for the foreseeable then there will come a day when i will have to acknowledge he has someone else.

Hope you had a nice break with the kids, it sounds like you have some serious thinking to do about where your life is headed. Everything seems to point towards moving closer to your family - the only downside being the situation with ex and kids. But by sound of it you’ve made plenty of sacrifices for him in your life, and if emotionally and financially you will all be able to have a better life then it’s definitely something to keep thinking about.

Take care xx

@Ilovecrumpets we always know deep down, don't know why it takes them so long to admit it! Mine said ' I'd been lying so long before and at least now I'm telling the truth' . Like it's ok!!! That makes it better lol

I found it hard that they moved on so quickly! Although they already had them lined up!
My ex told our 6yo About his gf even tho I thought it best not to at present as only been a couple of months.it hurt like mad.
I'm still grieving and he's happy!!!!!
I hate this can't ever see when I will be ok!
Been debating about moving home-200 miles away and have applied for a job! Debating if it's right? Hate to move 6yo from dad but as ex says he's getting on with a new life. I need to do that but have no family where I apart from his. And that's not really mine anymore now 😪

Hi Amaz yes the lying is just so unfathomable!

I also have that decision re moving and am genuinely torn as to what is for the best. I want the kids to see their dad and to co-parent but then does that mean I have to be trapped somewhere with less support and with a lot less money, less time with the kids and struggling to afford a flat. I honestly don’t know. I’ve sacrificed so much for my kids and my ex that also there is a part of me that just doesn’t want to do that again.