Feeling sad....but will get there!

[Moocow72]

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

@eve34 I feel like I am feeling exactly the same as you are!
I'm having the house valued Saturday actually plucked up the courage to do it.
Want I need to decide is do I move back to family? There is a job going and thinking if applying. Me a d 6 yo could have a good life, own our house and be ok. I would make new friends I'm sure?
Or stay where I am where I can't afford a house on my wage, have friends but no family.
I need someone to tell me what to do.
If I moved and uprooted little one would he be ok?
We would live then 2 1/2 hours away from ex.
I need to make a decision but it's sooooo big I can't do it as too scared I'll make the wrong choice

Amaz. That is a tough choice. How would ex react? My mum moved close by about 4 years ago and has been an amazing support and I am really glad I get to spend more time with her before she gets too old. Morbid I know.

I think if ex would be ok I would move. Good job. Family for support and security would give you an awful lot of peace of mind. And also no ex popping in and out. Or is that just mine???

@eve34 I have no idea how he would react, badly I assume but he caused this.
I'm lucky he isn't just popping in as he lives 45mins away!
I need to start living as I'm just existing

Evening everyone - hope we have al had a good start to the week.

eve hope the dinner went OK as it can. I am also trying to be amicable with my ex for the kids, but sometimes it is just so hard!

amaz do you need to make a decision re moving now? I will also have to decide whether to move away or stay, it is really hard to know what to do for the best. If you can have a bit more time to think it might help.

My ex had the kids this Sunday. When we were doing the sort of handover all was good and then he just lied about something - nothing big just a small lie, but it reminded me he just lies so easily and about such little things. And for so long I actually half thought it was me losing my mind a bit.

So last night the thing I have been worrying about since ex left happened - I have had health anxiety around my children ( become extremely anxious and panicky when they are slightly unwell). I had been worrying about one of them getting ill and last night my eldest started with a vomiting bug. Anyway not fun at all and I’m exhausted this morning but I survived ( with a little help from some lovely mnteers who were awake on chat!). Just waiting for the youngest to get it now.

It has made me a realise I really do need to try and deal with the anxiety ( again...).

Hi crumpets

Sorry to hear illness has hit your household - vomiting bugs are awful and like you say incredibly contagious !

I used to get a lot of health anxiety with my two when they were younger, especially with my eldest as he had a lot of allergy problems and so had a lot of resulting issues which I convinced myself were more serious for a long time.

I do swear by my anti depressants as they seem to curb my anxiety as well as the depression. Not that tablets are always the solution of course as many people can manage it with other methods.

I hope it doesn’t last long and you don’t feel too anxious about it all. Hopefully you can all just cuddle up and have a few duvet days until you’re well again.

Take care

Xx

Thanks Moo - I actually feel less anxious when they start being sick strangely - it’s the unknown and worrying it is something more serious. I’m better than I was but I expected it to be worse now I’m on my own - it’s a fear I won’t spot something serious that I should if that makes sense. So not having someone to make a joint decisions makes it much worse. I have been prescribed anti Ds a few times but maybe I should explore something more for anxiety. I’ve been referred for more psychologist sessions for the anxiety - this time by a different psychiatrist who I found very good so am hoping he might refer me to someone equally good. I’ve been dragging my feet on setting up the first session but will get on with it now!

Also I think the first time they are ill really hits home I’m on my own. So just me to try and comfort and clean up etc.

Hope things are ok with you. Or even good!

Hi crumpets

Yes I can imagine it’s a bit daunting for you as it is helpful for a second opinion - I guess that’s what 111 can be useful for sometimes but having rang it myself a few years ago when my youngest cut his eyebrow, it took me 30 mins to get past all the questions on their checklist including “Has he been depressed lately ?”

I’m doing ok thanks, not quite at good yet but I do have good moments but then I have wobbles. A few times lately the reality of not being ex’s partner anymore and the fact that this is the end of our relationship for the rest of our lives has really hit home and caused me to get a bit teary eyed.

As much as I know the relationship was far from perfect, it just hurts to think that it has gone forever as we’ve obviously been through a lot together and have practically grown into adults whilst together so it’s tough at times.

But like a good friend said to me it’s a grieving process and it is normal to feel like this for some time while I get over what has happened before finally accepting it.

Xx

Yes I think the finality takes a long while to sink in

I love. Be proud you have dealt with what you thought would be a challenge for you. You can cope with anything.

Funny my biggest concern is the washing machine breaking. I have no idea how to take it out or plumb one in. But I can pay someone to do that so it isn't really a problem.

Moo do you mind saying what mess you are on? Don't if you don't want to. I was on citalapram years ago and did the trick but made me very flat and sleepy. Go gave me mitazapine this time as I said I didn't like the sleepiness and they completely wiped me out I was in bed by 7pm. And felt awful the next day. I don't know weather to start again and persevere over half term when I'm not working.

Hi eve

No problem about the meds - I’m on sertraline. Can’t remember the exact dosage and I’m out at the moment but it’s fairly low. I do find the same though that I’m sure my tiredness is to do with the meds - but a lot of the time that is preferable to feeling anxious and depressed.

I’m not a big drinker but I find if I drink alcohol then it makes the tiredness even worse.

I am only taking my tablets once every couple of days now and am hoping that will be enough for the immediate future and I do hope to come off them completely as I would like to know what life is like “meds free” as I do sometimes feel a bit flat and numb which I think are part of the side effects of the meds as it seems to be common with others who take it also. However, I know this is not the right time to attempt to come off it completely at the moment.

Xx

Sorry I should have added that the tiredness can be worse in the first few weeks of treatment and then it usually settles down. I wouldn’t class my tiredness as extreme and to be honest it could just be to do with me being up at 6.30am each day, full day of work, two kids and a dog to walk twice a day so perhaps my tiredness is to be expected !

I get a bit sensitive about it as ex used to complain that I fell asleep on the couch every night. But he didn’t exactly help by taking any of the load off me though !!

Xx

Thanks eve. My ex was late for doing the kids bed tonight despite my eldest being poorly and me having to wfh - then clearly had to rush off to be somewhere. Couldn’t wait to get out the door leaving me with all the tidying/washing etc. I think the tiredness is getting to me as I feel really low tonight and alone.

Moo - I was prescribed sertraline but didn’t make it through the first few weeks, partly because of the tiredness. My ex always used to complain about my tiredness and the fact I went to bed early sometimes ( largely I think because I was depressed or maybe just actually tired!)

Hugs to you crumpets

I hope you feel better in the morning - I’m feeling similar tonight. It’s all getting to me as eldest has his GCSE’s this year and sometimes he just needs to be pushed and had a bit of an argument with him tonight as he was saying he didn’t have any schoolwork to do yet he is 3 months from his exams starting. When I said pick a subject and do some revision all I got was “I’m not sure what to do” etc etc

I just find it unfair that I’m going to have to get him through the next few months as well as working, other ds, house stuff etc. Even The dog is driving me up the wall tonight as she hasn’t had her second walk yet as I was out giving ds1 a lift and am just making tea now.

I know ex gets involved as much as he can, has suggested he help him with one of his subjects (he’s a teacher) and he comes to open evenings, etc etc but it’s just not the same as being in the same house as dc’s and trying to balance everything. I really wanted to message him tonight to tell him how hard this is.

I love them both to bits (and the dog!) and I know ds1 is trying (I just went up to him to apologise for the argument and he had his history books all over his bed and was trying to revise) but these are the difficulties and things that ex doesn’t see.

Just feeling the pressure a bit...

Xx

Thank you moo. Maybe I will try them again over half term. But I'm not as tearful as I was.

I see another reoccurring theme along the having a new girl friend lined up. Mine complained I was always tired. But did fuck all to help. He made most of the mess in the first place.

Well another day done. As yet I have not heard when we are having another visit. And I'm not asking. It's not for me to arrange his contact. I have done an on line calendar but he hasn't acknowledge it yet. But though it would be good exercise in monitoring all the running around in doing with clubs. School appointments.

Moo have a hug xx

Hope you feel a bit brighter this morning. GCSE year is hard at the best of times - I can imagine how tough it is at the moment. It’s the heaviness if the responsibility for everyone that can seem too much at times and so lonely - and very unfair. Sometimes I feel like my ex has got exactly what he wants - a new life, still seeing the kids but far less of the mental load and day to day stuff of the kids ( although he was like this when we were married but at least as he was physically here some of the time he witnessed it and had to be more involved). I try to remind myself that I wouldn’t want our roles to be swapped though, because that day to day stuff is really one of the mainstays if being a parent - but maybe I’m conning myself!

I’m also struggling with the fact that since my eldest was born until last year my ex was away for large portions of the year and every weekend he was out most of the day as he was effectively doing his hobby as a ‘job’. I waited so long to have support and a ‘normal’ family life - and then basically after a year he has opted to effectively achieve the situation he had before by leaving. It’s just feels very unfair but also just hard!

I need to buck up and try and pull myself out of this rut I think.

eve you are so right - it isn’t for us to keep organising everything for them! Hope the days are getting a bit easier for you

I know what you mean crumpets, I’m used to doing all this stuff anyway - but it just seems so unfair that they don’t get to see what’s going on.

All I’ve done today is stop myself texting ex to tell him that I hope his new life is as wonderful as he wanted it to be. Just because I feel like I’m being pulled in different directions - worrying about ds’s, house, work stuff etc

But in reality i always did and like you say, I wouldn’t want it the other way round (ie ex with kids, me seeing them a couple of days a week) so i just have to get on with it and resist the temptation to tell ex how I feel at times.

Although sometimes I wonder why I’m so reluctant to tell him - yes blame for the marriage failure is 50/50 but he decided the timing so he has created the situation now rather than just keep quiet until after ds1 exams.

Aaarggghhh !! Why does everything feel like such a battle ?

And breathe.......

Evening all.

Crumpet and moo. You guys are doing so well.

Yes they have skipped off to their Happy single lives free of any responsibility. Although mine keeps reminding me how he is so much happier now but has nothing. Because I apparently have it all!

I have been sat on my hands for past few days. Not heard a word. But broke the stand off and sent a picture of Dc as they were dressed up for event for School. Then we have had text conversation about how I'm making it more difficult because I'm so emotional and this just proves he was right. Sent a long text about that this was not my choice and it has been a matter of weeks since he walked out and it isn't going to be a matter of weeks for me to adjust. So back to. A stand off now. Wish I had never sent the bloody picture now.

Want to get to the point that I don't care but then that makes me sad because then I have excepted the situation. And I don't want it to be like this at all.

They are just selfish selfish people. Who only think of themselves. Don't see the ramification to everyone else. Or how this works out further down the line.

Hi eve

That’s ridiculous of your ex to respond like that to you sending a picture - he should have been saying thank you !! He sounds so self-absorbed and obsessed with blaming you for everything !!! What a nob !

I must admit my ex is pretty good with the kids stuff, wants to be involved as much as possible and always answers if I message something about one of them and says thanks if I send him photos of something that I think he may want to see.

That’s not to say that I’m not resentful of the mess he’s caused and then seemingly just walked away from. But I guess I just have to be grateful that he isn’t so wrapped up in his new life that he is putting his kids second - he clearly doesn’t have the same respect for me but I can handle that.

I wouldn’t blame you if you never bothered with sending him anything else in the future if that’s how he responds - his loss though!!

Feeling a little brighter tonight, just felt everything was getting on top of me and I guess I started thinking a bit too far ahead and thinking of how I’d feel selling the house and having to rent and how the kids would adjust. But just need to keep focussed on the next couple of months and then worry about anything else when I have to.

Moo. There are lots of big changes a head and I think we as grown ups are thinking much further a head.

I know I am. That kids will have holidays with their dad and new girlfriend and Christmas etc. Things I won't be part of. And I hate that idea. And what about their wedding day.

I just sit there thinking why would you do that to them.

We had issues but I still believe we could of put things right between us if he had wanted to. But he got distracted by someone new. And suddenly. We were terrible together and I was unbearable to be around.

It is good your kids Dad is so involved. I am sure as we move further down the line it will become more amicable. And he will want to be more involved. We shall see.

Eve - your ex sounds so difficult to deal with! I do know what you mean in that although it will be better it does also seem a really sad thought getting to the point where you aren’t affected by them.

Moo - glad you are feeling better. I think to your earlier point as to why not tell them - I guess because you wouldn’t get the reaction back you need - although it’s tempting!

I’m now having a ‘be careful what you wish for’ moment - my ex has just said ( despite me asking him for weeks if he has any plans) he wants to have the kids for Thursday to Sunday night over half term. It has freaked me out a bit, because it makes me realise what it will feel like when he has his own place and they go and stay, and also how I will feel if I end up with a 50/50 arrangement - even though I will do that if is best for the kids I’d find it so very hard. Also because I’ve never been away from them for that long ( I know that might sound silly).

I also am a bit worried as my youngest is really struggling with me being away - my ex struggles to get him to bed on his nights as he is crying for me and he stays awake for hours, he is becoming very clingy and also waking lots in the night to check I’m there. He even asked me not to go away as he doesn’t like it because he loves me ☹️ He used to be fine with me not being there at bed if I was out so it is definitely caused by the separation. I don’t know if three nights would be too much for him - or if it is better just to push through this as he has to get used to it? I really hate feeling like I am letting him down - particularly when Thai situation isn’t my choice.

Oh crumpets that’s such a hard decision to make.

As your eldest struggles with you being away overnight I would be tempted to try and dissuade ex from having them for that long.

Would it be possible for him to have them during the day but be with you overnight ? It may be a compromise as even though your ex is entitled to time with his kids, if one of them is very unhappy about you not being there then it seems wrong to force him and may make things harder in the long run.

I know when my youngest said he wasn’t ready to stay over at his dads place initially then we never put any pressure on him - but obviously he is older so it’s easier to reason and discuss things with them.

I can understand you being nervous and reluctant about this - I think it’s important that he has the reassurance of his mother during this unsettling time and as his confidence grows then he may be happier about you not being there overnight.

Hugs xx

Sorry crumpets just noticed you said youngest not eldest, but the message still applies !!

Thanks Moo - I am struggling to know what is best for the kids, versus my ex’s rights and worrying about subconsciously using how my youngest is struggling to say no because I don’t like it!

I’d originally suggested days as well - I have said I will go away the Saturday night to my friends so he has them that night. I could probably stay at my friends the Friday as well - he wants them all Sunday too which just feels a really long time. They are used to him being away as he was away for long periods for all their life so far tbh but not me.