Feeling sad....but will get there!

[Moocow72]

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

So tonight is the night 6yo is staying over at his dads for the first time. Panic, sickness, holding back tears already happening. He's picking him up between 3-4.

Soso on a more minor level I know how you feel. ex now over an hour late for his night with the kids where I have to go and stay at a friends. Is mentioned I really need him to be on time as I am going out to a dinner party type thing. I swear he has done this on purpose.

On the plus side I’m feeling more positive about the separation as the longer we are apart the more I see him for who he is!

Hope everyone has a food weekend. Amaz hope your night goes ok - I know it is hard but try to look cheery for your DS. As others have said he will be innocent to the wider implications

Or even a good weekend!

Hang in there amaz - I know it's easier said than done but if you can find something to do to keep yourself occupied it may make the time go quicker.

crumpets hope your ex finally turned up - that's out of order being so late especially when you've said you were going out (but like you say perhaps it wasn't accidental, perhaps his way of trying to control you)

Moo yes my sister said that as well. He has been being very chatty and ‘nice’ ( plus suggesting random joint stuff that isn’t appropiate now separated) of late and my sister reckons that is another way of trying to control me - because he doesn’t have any control over me anymore and I don’t let him see if I’m upset etc.

Hope you are feeling better about the other evening. I find I’m ok when just me and the kids - it’s those interactions, particularly in public that are so difficult.

Yep - sounds like your sister is right. The more you show him you're not upset and that you're handling things independently the more it will frustrate him.

Not that I'm suggesting you should do things just to prove to him that you're managing - but it never does any harm when they see that your life hasn't crumbled around you just because they're not in it anymore!

I'm feeling better about the other night, just something I'll have to learn how to handle and I'm sure it will get easier in time.

Hugs and strength to all who are struggling at moment xx

How are things going for everyone ?

Xx

Hi Moo how are you? Hope things are going OK.

I’m in quite a good patch at the moment - lots more good days than bad. I also find that I tend to get sad when exh isn’t here but then when he is round with the boys it really does remind me of what things were like and I don’t miss it! I am also lucky in that I am on a very challenging project at work - but one that is high profile and that plays to my strengths so am doing a good job, getting a lot of appreciation and really enjoying it. I’ve also just been approached about another job opportunity that is a pretty unique opportunity and something I would also love. A good choice to have! Plus I’m really enjoying my evenings post work now - although weekends more challenging.

In a way though I feel I am kind of in an unreal pause as still in the house and I see the kids every morning. There are lots of hard stuff ahead that I will have to face. I’ve decided to try to stop worrying and just enjoy the moment.

Downside is my kids are starting to find it really hard - littlest is waking a lot to check in there and wanting his dad to live here again, eldest having intense crying fits about other stuff on the surface but the separation really I think. This is much worse when it has been the weekend I am away. It does make my heart ache for them - but I feel feeling more positive myself I can help them better. Plus my relationship with them has definitely improved - we feel even closer and have more fun.

Sorry that was so long and a train of thought! Am sure things will no doubt go through another phase soon but at the moment I feel much better than I did 4 weeks ago!

Hope everyone else is doing ok and finding ways to keep going

Check I’m there should have read

Evening everyone

Having a rubbish time here. Couldn't stop crying. Gp started me on anti depressants. But they have completely wiped me out. I don't know what to do for the best.

Ex is playing the sympathetic card. Never did when we were together but he feels very guilty and wants me to quickly move on so he feels better. Although I am sure he couldn't really careless when he isn't here.

I'm dreading him taking the kids more. I am not looking forward to them not being here but got to get use to it.

I have an appointment with the solicitors. And the bank for the mortgage so I guess this is actually happening.

@eve34 hope your feeling a little better today. Good luck with your meetings. I've got to book about the house but keep putting it off as I know it's going to be so painful and 6yo is going to be so unhappy that we have to sell!
Does anyone feel they are just existing and not living. This is me.... makes me sad this is how I am at the min. It's like he has taken what was me with him when he had the affair and left a shell.

So I had a fail tonight - I couldn’t stop myself saying something about the fact he puts the kids to bed late every single time he does bedtime. I don’t mind at the weekend but two nights are school nights and I then have to deal with the fall out the next morning getting my eldest to school - plus then he needs an early night whenever it is me doing bath and bed. Also snapped about the fact I am having to get a lodger whereas he is living with his good friend and has his friend’s lovely flat to himself a lot of the time.

Admittedly I kept it short but I’d been doing so well with just interacting coolly! Grrr.

Amaz and Eve hope you both find some moments of peace this evening.

Selling the house must be really hard Amaz I am going to have to do that and am dreading it. Although at the same time being in the house does make it feel a bit limbo. Is your ex still contributing and can you afford the mortgage? If so I’d leave it and let him do the pushing re the house ( unless you want to get it sorted)

Sorry to hear you’re struggling amaz and eve.

Anti depressants definitely help, I’ve been on them for years - I do hope to come off them at some point (I actually only take one every couple of days now whereas previously was on them each day). But when I have felt at my most hopeless and can’t function for crying (had this years ago as had PND) they really took the edge off and enabled me to function.

crumpets - don’t worry about the fail, they will happen and bound to due to frustration over the situation. To be honest our exh’s are lucky that we try and be such reasonable people most of the time !

I’ve almost had a couple of fails, nearly sent ex a text to say how I could never forgive him for causing such a mess then walking away, then a couple of days later I had the urge to text and ask how he was - no reason specifically but then I just told myself what was the point, especially as I said a few weeks ago we would keep communication solely about the kids.

So I resisted - if I feel like venting to him I just sit and go through in my head what I’d like to say/write and that seems to be enough.

But I do very much feel like I am just existing at the moment, but when I think back I didn’t feel that much different when I was with dh - except I was probably “comfortably existing” rather than the added worry now about where my life will go.

But getting my hair done tomorrow which is always enjoyable as I know my hairdresser really well so I’ve already warned her she will get her ear bent !!!!

Xx

Moo you are right. I’ve also just reflected on how he can still makes me feel bad/unreasonable for making what was quite a reasonable point. Interesting how ingrained into my self view he is ( and not in a good way).

Well done on the not texting - I’d also heard a good idea is to write it down and then burn/shred the letter. I was thinking of doing that to stop me composing rants to him in my head! It’s the sheer b*dy unfairness of it and the fact they don’t have to deal with most of the fall out that is just makes me want to scream sometimes. Obviously I don’t .

I had my hair cut yesterday - feel loads better so hope you enjoy yours Moo. I think your point about comparing it to before is a good one - as being in a not great relationship is also a weird limbo as is this. I think we should all remember though that though it feels like an eternity it is still really early days. And quite frankly we all deserve a massive hug/high five/glass of wine for getting this far and just keeping going!

I still think the title of this thread is great - because it is true. We will all get there

@Ilovecrumpets snap!! You are not alone! I had a fail the last 2 nights! Cried, shouted, told him exactly how he has made me feel made him realise how hard it is! Felt rubbish after it as I had been doing so well, really wished I hadn't let him see me breakdown but it's done and it's something I needed to get off my chest! Hopefully I'll be able to go back to being more positive now!

It’s so frustrating isn’t it sunflowers still onwards and upwards. Am trying to think what would be a good distraction technique the next time I feel the frustration reaching boiling point!

It’s just they seem to move on so relatively unscathed - arrghh

Sorry am on a rant tonight but just wanted to add one more thing that is annoying me atm is the number of people who say to me things like, do I think he will change is mind/they are sure he will change his mind/ there must be hope we will get back together etc.

Why do people think this is helpful to say?? Firstly it is highly unlikely to be true but secondly it seems to imply everyone thinks I am just waiting and hoping for that and would happily take him back.

Ok rant over now Have a lovely calm evening everyone x

Hi everyone...nothing much to add that wouldn't take a week to write so I'm taking the view that he just doesn't matter any more. I can't influence him so am stopping.

He'll do what he wants. Expectations zero. I've lost the battles of the last 16 years but by heck am I going to win the war!!!

Fighting talk, granted, but I do understand that the ultimate battle is with myself. Have to win that one, we all do.

Take care of yourselves you lot xx

Thank you for your kind thoughts. I feel I have turned a corner after such a awful day the other day.

Amaz I hope you feel in control of the situation soon. I feel that now I have the appointments made it is in my hands now. I am undecided about the house. The thought of moving is just massive but if someone did it for me I would jump at it as don't want to be in this house anymore. Hoping to take over mortgage and he can have small payout further down the line

Crumpets. It is not a fail. Sometimes they need to know they can't have it their own way all the time.

We had conversation about money. Magically now it is coming to actually giving me some he isn't going to give me hat we agreed. We had text conversation about the cms and it all kicked off. So he has stopped the nice approach and has returned to knob approach which makes his much easier to deal with.

Hope you are all pushing through. We will come out the other side. Where is everyone as a matter of interest. I'm in Hampshire if anyone is near by. Happy to make some new friends x

Hi all

Hope everyone is having a peaceful weekend!

I still feel very strange, but I guess that’s to be expected as it’s still very early days. One thing I do know for certain is that I wouldn’t want to go back to how things were.

Had a family outing today to visit a college that ds1 may be interested in going to next year. Ds2 was staying at ex’s last night so agreed he would pick me and ds1 up at 9.30 this morning and all go together.

Anyway got a text at 9am from ex saying he’d “overdone the drink” last night and could I collect instead. I said ok but said we would need to discuss this later as I wasn’t happy about him drinking that much when being the only adult in the house with ds2. He replied and said he’d learned his lesson and wouldn’t do it again. I left it at that but silently wondered why he was still drinking so much when allegedly he drank during our marriage as he was unhappy (I never believed this to be honest anyway but at least this proves it).

So I picked them up, on way to college ex complained I was driving too close - he always criticised my driving as he is an ex instructor but I didn’t retort and made sure I was at a safe distance.

Visit went well, as all four of us were there and we were being shown around by a couple of kids who were already students at the college then it wasn’t awkward and went well - ds1 loved the college which was a huge bonus.

So dropped him and ds2 off back at his (ds2 was stopping round a bit longer to play Xbox) and me and ds1 went home.

The fact that he is still drinking too much just proved that nothing has changed and he is the same person he always was and if we were to get back together then I know I would regret it very quickly as clearly nothing would be different - I think in a way I would find the separation harder to cope with if he had changed, ie if he cut down on drinking, was more pleasant and reliable. I’m sure he is probably like that with OW but I know it can’t last.

So bittersweet really but a reminder of what he is like. Also felt good that the visit wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable.

Hugs to all xx

Hi Moo glad the day went ok, must feel like a real achievement and another step along the way. And although bittersweet I guess good that you could see your ex clearly? Again I think that is another step forward. I had that with my ex the other day - things had been being very pleasant etc and then that evening he was just exactly as he used to be. And I realised there was no way I’d want to go back to that again. It’s still sad though isn’t it? Like the loss of hope in the relationship

Meant to add I also feel bad as I shouted at the kids today - we were all really tired, they were deliberately pushing boundaries ( they are kids going through a difficult time so completely understandable) but I properly shouted, it just all felt too much ( just cleaned the kitchen, was baking with them and they deliberately threw cake mixture everywhere). Did apologise properly to them afterwards but still pretty awful of me . The anger took me by surprise tbh.

No crumpets

Don’t feel bad - it’s all part of parenting, whether separated or not. I can remember doing things like that with mine when they were younger - all i would say to them after
Is that I was sorry and sometimes when people get tired they get grumpy and that I loved them. Always seemed to do the trick and they’d usually forgotten about it anyway !

You are doing brilliantly xx

Thanks Moo

Moo that sounds like a big step forward that you realise you don't want him in your life anymore. And fab news about the college. You are doing so well. I can't look at the kids Dad without wanting to cry. It is very hard. I'm ok day to day but when he takes the kids I'm in pieces.

I love. We have all had days like that. No one is perfect and you have done the right thing by saying sorry and showing them how growns up make mistakes and apologies.

I'm cooking Sunday dinner for us all. Which I'm very much regretting. I promised the kids we would all still be friends and daddy will always be welcome. But that is a big lie. I don't ever want to lay eyes on the man ever again. I know in time I will care less. But I will never forgive him for treating me and the kids as badly as he has.
Soon be half term. Which brings a new dilemma. I had planned to go to visit his parents as he hasn't taken the kids since summer. But feel that I should not be so involved with them anymore. Especially as he has new girlfriend who will soon be meeting them and maybe more grand children for them further down the line. I don't want to make it more awkward than it needs to be.