Feeling sad....but will get there!

[Moocow72]

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

Eve you were right and it's him that's choosing not to spend time with his children.

H is being really petty getting 8 year old dd to relay messages
He attended ds's rugby class today, his last lesson, he was at his first about 4 months ago ds doesn't like change and he didn't want to do lesson with H there. I asked H politely to go to viewing balcony, he stropped & said I'll go so, never told dd and she was left wondering how she would get home as her car seat was in his van when we came out we discovered he had spend the rest of lesson sitting in his van

Then took dd with him while ds was left to go with me.

We got called for mediation for next week but time doesn't suit him, so we may have to wait until following week. If he starts messing about I'll have to go down the legal route

Hello everyone

Hope everyone is doing OK today - I have been catching up on the posts as haven’t been on for a while. I think because I’ve been feeling quite flat, maybe and - unlike what I’m usually like I just wanted to pretend things weren’t happening for a while. Work has also been pretty difficult and I’ve found that really hard with no support to go back to ( not that ex really was support!).

I feel a bit like I’ve hit a wall at the moment - really tired and have lost a bit of motivation to try and do stuff. Also like you Moo I go back and forth about staying in the house - part of me wants to leave and rebuild, but know it is best for the kids to stay as long as I can and I’d be able to afford much less. I think I’m also coming to the realisation that I am tied to the ex through the kids so there can never truly be a clean break.

I’m still struggling when the DC are with ex - even though I fill my time ( and am sometimes glad for the break!) it just seems so unnatural.

I’ve also started really facing that I am separating - don’t feel the intense grief anymore but have been feeling really sad. And for the first time wondering why I wasn’t good enough for him and the sadness of being betrayed. It’s like it’s is really sinking in at the moment.

Anyway on the plus side looking forward to the summer holidays!

Hi crumps

Good to hear from you. A lot of what you say sounds familiar so maybe it’s just a stage we go through round about this time.

I summed it up to myself yesterday - I wouldn’t describe myself as happy at the moment, but I’m not been made to feel unhappy either by someone else - instead it’s more of an even keel. But I, like you, have a lot of feelings of failure and think that there must be something wrong with me if I couldn’t keep my marriage together.

But at the same time I know that I was in denial for years and although all relationships go through rough periods, the way we were together in the last few years wasn’t right nor was it healthy. I just wouldn’t admit it to myself.

So as much as I wouldn’t say I’m happy, this is preferable to the feelings of unhappiness I would get when ex would complain at me, or make me feel inadequate.

I expected a dip to be honest due to eldest exams finishing and sure enough it’s happened. But I pre-empted it by making sure I’ve had plenty of exercise and kept myself as busy as possible which has helped. If I have a busy day and make sure I’m active then I’m so tired that I have less time to fret about things.

But again, like you, I’ve found myself needing a lot of sleep and being quite tired in general lately. But by forcing myself to keep active it helps, then if I need an early night so be it - my body is just telling me what it needs. The days I skip a dog walk or do less than I usually do I can really tell the difference with my mood so if I can offer any advice then it’s to try and be as active as you can, even just a half an hour walk a day can make such a difference.

Hopefully a happy summer is ahead of us, I’m unsure we will be managing a holiday this year to due finances and eldest starting his pre-season training in a couple of weeks but I hope we will get some nice days out and maybe an odd night away somewhere.

Hugs xx

I love. Lovely to hear from you. I'm so pleased someone else has mentioned being tired. I'm in bed at nine each night and sick of always being so tired. I took the children out today and could of cried I couldn't get into the Car park I wanted to. So had to walk. I real felt I wouldn't make it.

And I'm lucky I only work 3 days so have 2 week days to organise myself and do jobs. And I know that there are things that I haven't done in the past six months that I would of been all over in the past. Hoping it will improve for all of us soon.
4 weeks until the schools break up. I can't wait. I'm mentally exhausted getting ds through each day. He is clearly depressed but camh's won't see him. Another battle for me tomorrow

Moo you’ve pretty much summed up how I feel - not exactly happy but not in the depths of unhappiness I was during the end of my marriage or immediately after separation.

eve sorry to hear your DS is struggling - we are also going through referral to CAMHS but not expecting anything. I’m now paying for my eldest to have play therapy sessions privately, which do seem to help ( well he enjoys them!).

Kids still spend all the time with ex with his girlfriend. What I find even stranger ( maybe it isn’t though?) is that they also seem to spend time with her family - so the whole mini holiday he had with them was with her and her family, her step mum and Dad ( maybe she gets in really well with her stow Mum and is trying to recreate?) also stayed with them the weekend the kids were there and spent literally the whole weekend with my kids. I just find this really a bit odd? They buy them stuff as well. I guess being positive at least they are very welcoming. I do find it hard that it seems he has just not just left our life but has walked into a whole new life, with family, seemingly fully formed? He has also taken his girlfriend to his relatives house, again with the kids. I try just to let it all go though.

On the plus side really strangely I have had 2 close friends from my past get back in touch out of the blue ( and without knowing) and bumped into a third who I hadn’t seen for 10 years at my work! What really strikes me is anyone who knew me when I was with the ex and supporting him through his sporting thing is so angry on my behalf. Even people who haven’t seen me for over 5 years. Makes me take a step back and think he really has behaved quite badly.

Anyway enough rambling for tonight - will probably head to bed soon

Hi all and nice to hear from you crumps. You’re handling the whole family transplant thing really well, not the first time I’ve said that but you are an example to me in how to keep your cool. It does seem a bit insensitive though, and quite a lot for your kids to take on so quickly. I reckon karma will repay you for being so level headed. I’m realising about never being able to have a clean break- im hoping to go towards a 50:50 childcare so I’m gonna have to deal with her almost daily for years

Really sorry to hear your son, Eve. The stress you are going through with that plus your ex not exactly playing any sort of decent role must be tough. Like you say once the hols are here you’ll get a breather.

I haven’t been sleeping good, about 5 hours but sometimes as little as 3 which makes the next day a bit of a weird one. When my son stays I sleep like a log though so I guess there’s my answer.

I’m not having a good time with looking to the future with having to deal with her; she’s turned into such a sneering, nasty person towards me. Almost like she blames me for making her waste her time in the first place. Coupled with her parents cold judgemental vibe, I really worry what he’s hearing about me, and if it even occurs to them that doing that would mess with my ds’s head🙁. Must try not to think the worst I know, but in the back of my mind I can’t help but want to protect him. To hold him tight.

I’ll be closer to him soon though so I must get into gear and get moving to my new place. Had lots of viewings on ours, so fingers crossed will be able to start looking properly. I’ve been good with the drinking too and trying to eat well so I’m chuffed with myself for that. Liking the feeling of waking up normal!
Hugs all

Hi Lonely - I know what you mean about not sleeping. It makes the days so much harder.

My eldest feels very hot tonight - took his temp whilst he is sleeping and he has a temperature ( although was fine at bedtime!). I get health anxiety about my kids - which I hate - so this is always one of the most difficult things for me since my ex left. I suspect I won’t sleep much just waiting for him to wake. I always felt calmer with another adult in the house ( although used to drive the ex mad going on if the kids were ill ).

Hello all. Ilove glad you are ok ( relatively speaking!) I think we've all hit a wall somehow and trying to make sense of it all. It's worse that they don't seem to understand how they've made us feel. I had to speak to him last night about house etc and it infuriates me that he still doesn't get what he's done, he thinks we've moved on and he thinks it's all fine, wants to have friendly chats, he has no understanding at all Of the hurt he's caused and how it still is raw. It hit me again that hes got away with it , it churns me up badly that he's just moved on with no consequence, the OW is one of his work colleagues and it just makes me sick that they have accepted both of them and he's got away with it. It's this hurdle that I'm finding really difficult to get over STILL. I seem to be stuck at the moment but i think it's becaus house still not sold and have to speak with him . Sorry I feel like a record going on and on- this was my main issue months ago and it's swamped he again, he's moved on with his homewrecker and I'm still smarting from it all. I want karma to hit him but nothing yet.
Crab, hope your house is sorted soon.
Eve, moo, ilove I feel for you all with children having to liase, you've got to be strong just to do that.
School play- I would have just got him one ticket , I really think I wouldn't be able to cope with another woman with my children if I had them. You all do so well X
I've not got holiday planned as yet so beed to start planning X night all X hope the heat doesn't keep you awake X

Morning all.

Winter. Funny isn't it. How they want it all to be ok now. And we should all just shake hands and be friends. The things ex did were unforgivable. And I am not his friend not now not ever. He is still unable to put the children first and causing them no end of upset. He just doesn't see. And never will. Because we should just get on now. So it's my fault.

I love. Hope your dc is ok. It was really very warm last night I really struggled with the heat and it normally doesn't bother me. My ds has a play therapist through school. So only four more sessions. He is on the waiting list for generic counsellor. But I feel strongly because of his asd he needs camh's to help him with his emotions and dealing with them appropriately. Waiting on a call back so need to get tough with them as he is self harming and is ramping it up.
I too hate the fact that the children have been slotted I to a whole new family. Like the old one is completely replaced. Guess they have to move fast to show everyone how right they were to walk away and put on big show. I swing from fuck em. To wanting the whole lot to go to pieces. Guess it is still hurting. I want to not care.
Crabs. You have so much going on. I hope that you get the house sold and the start of the next chapter soon falls into place for you.

Right I need to get my big girl pants on and phone a tradesman. Need some work doing that in the past ex would of sorted. Just hope it isn't expensive.

Morning all, thanks eve for your kind words. I won’t lie but I’m having a really hard time with my mental health right now. I’m not sad for the loss of my relationship. Hell no. I understand now that it was a machine I was loving and every bit of contact since we split only confirms this. As my emotions detach from her I can see what I was blind to, and the thought that my son has this monster as a mother is proving too much. I feel like I’ve failed my dear little man for setting him up for such a tough time. I’m a grown, strong man and if she’s fucked me up this much what chance does he stand? I feel so hopeless. I know I need to be strong but I’m a human being and she is not. This is full blown npd, I’m in no doubt now I understand the details of how this manifests. I’m so scared.

So what do I do? Go and get some meds? The problem is I know what she is now and I don’t see how medicating myself to not care about that is the answer. I don’t want my feelings numbed- if anything I need to be sharper and stronger than ever before. I want to face this head on but the reality of the situation is pushing me to the brink.

I have my 5th counselling session today. She has been great and I hope I can extend beyond the normal six sessions. She said it’s a possibility.

Am in bits this morning. Really don’t know how I’m gonna do this. Got a day off after working all weekend so gonna pull myself together and do some gardening. Not sure if there’s anything anyone can say to help but I just wanna thank everyone for being there.hugs X

Sorry to hear you’re struggling Crab.

Re the meds. This is obviously just my opinion but I really found for me they helped massively. I was like you at first and thought what’s the point in meds as they can’t change the situation. Which is true of course, but they do change how I felt about it. They took the edge off things and enabled me to function and look at things in a more calm and balanced way, which was impossible before as I was just too depressed and stressed.

For example you’re struggling with a lot of stress and guilt re your son. You shouldn’t feel like this as you’ve got nothing to feel guilty about, you sound like a fantastic dad who wants the best for his child - and that is all a child needs. I understand your concern re your ex’s influence on him but you’d be surprised how little an effect it may have on him. There’s other influences around him and as he grows he will have his own sense of right and wrong and how people should behave. Of course he’ll always love his mother and I’m sure she loves him too so the less desirable aspects of her personality will hopefully be muted in her relationship with him. But as he gets older if there are things he says about how she behaves that concerns you he will need your support more than ever, and you to prove to him how things should be.

And sometimes meds can help you be in a better position to provide that support and stability for him.

But this is just my opinion, and meds aren’t for everyone. I know people who suffer with issues but are adamant they won’t take meds and others who see them as a valuable way to get through a very difficult period. And then those who rely on them longer term (me included!).

If you don’t choose meds, counselling and support from those around you will be crucial (and to be honest even if you do choose meds they are just a small part of the longer term solution again with counselling and support)

I’m not sure this will have helped as I know how desperate things can feel sometimes but always remember how much your son needs you and take each day at a time.

Hugs xx

Thanks Moo for being so kind you speak so much sense. Woke just now realising that what I wrote yesterday comes across as taking that option somehow makes you a weak person or something and I’m feeling a bit of a twat now. I do feel pretty weak though so I don’t know. I was coping ok until a week or two ago until I realised the situation as I see it. I really hope you’re right re her loving him but this is the root of it for me- i think there are some very deep issues there and she may not be able to. That’s a strong thing to say but now I understand more about her behaviour it’s what I believe. Her family are very quick to judge and criticise and I just know I’ll be portrayed as the big bad guy for the sake of inflating their egos, all infront of my son. He’s already said a few things that have made me think. I’ve only been neutral or positive about his mum infront of him as I know being bitter or negative will just add confusion for him.

Got an offer which is low but we’re gonna accept it. So that’s it gone now- the h

The house I hoped for my family is soon to be a memory. Not sure what happened there, posted without actually hitting anything but the site has gone a bit strange on my phone. Thanks again xx

Hi again Crab

To be honest your response to meds is exactly like mine was when I initially was offered them, which is why I wanted to offer you both sides opinion. They may not be for you, but they may be a good option for the short term. I know plenty of people who’ve been on them for a year or so just to get them through a difficult period and then have never needed them again! Just realised I sound like everyone I know is on or has been on meds :-) Maybe it’s me ?!!

I know it probably doesn’t feel like it but the offer on the house could be just what you need to start moving on and building a new life for you and your boy.

Also re your son again. If it’s any help, when my brother in law split with his wife, it wasn’t amicable at all and at one point she (and her family) were telling my nephew (who was six at the time) how his dad drank too much and generally bad mouthing him. But it never caused an issue with his relationship with his son - in fact if anything it made it stronger. If his son told him things they’d said he wouldn’t be angry, he would just put him right and say that sometimes things can get a bit nasty when two adults fall out but that he would always love him and be there for him and be the best dad he could be. They still have a very close relationship six years later and he has dropped hints at wanting to come and live with his dad in a few years.

I can totally understand your concerns but keep loving your son and being a good influence and he will have a great role model on how to have relationships with others in the future.

Hope today is a good one for us all x

Thanks again. It means so much Moo it really does. I’ve been gently putting my thoughts to him when he’s said things that make me doubt. I know like all of us I can’t control what my ex says or does and I’m not any different from most people in this situation. Must fix my mind on going forward and you’ve really helped

Morning crab. I knew moo would find the right words. You can just focus on being the best person you can be. You have no control of anyone else. As you well know in my circumstances. Think once you are moved and settling into the new routine I hope you will see the positives for you and your son.

Hi everyone

crabs I’m sorry you are feeling so down. I can’t really add to Moo’s wise words, other than to say sometimes when the meds seem pointless is when you really need them - if that makes sense? Also to echo that your ex’s relationship with your son will be different to how she is with you and hopefully will be loving. And at least, if it isn’t, he will experience a different way of being when he is with you. Also selling your family home is really hard, even if it will allow you to be with your son. Give yourself a break and some time to grieve that.

I’m also feeling a bit low this evening and just very alone. Sometimes I look ahead and it all seems so hard. I don’t know why but today I felt really resentful towards my mum and sister - as they haven’t really supported me at all, not been down to see me or anything, I have to go up there. The rational part of me know they have their own lives, but given my parents did so much for my sister as she is a single parent and Mum Mum still does it just made me feel a bit sad. I guess I’m struggling with the practicalities and sheer relentlessness of everything at the moment. And I have no back up really - no one to step in and help if things get really difficult, someone is ill etc.

Anyway sorry for the moan. Hope everyone is managing to keep cool

Hi Crumps sorry you feeling a bit lonely. Although I’m really missing my son and generally being single is tough after so long as a family, I have my mum n dad to lean on so I know it must be tough without. I find the resentment builds up too- when I’m down I can find myself getting more sensitive and this morning I had the hump with my dad over something I’d normally just let him know about. Today I just stewed on it. So hang in there, remember you’ve always got us here at least.

Feel sort of nothing about the house going tbh, as I pull away from the old situation it’s starting to seem like an old crackly movie- like an old cinema reel if you see what I mean. Very believable but obviously not quite real. That’s how I’m seeing it now, all a prop in some fucked up mirage. But my sons is very very real and I hope I can face the many challenges over the coming years without losing my cool, I hope I can keep it together like you crumps. Hugs x

I love was it you who was thinking of moving nearer to family for support? Maybe it is time to return to thinking about that as an option. Sorry if it wasn't you. It all seems like so long ago we started this thread.

Well kids have gone off happily. For their eow. He was an hour and half late as he was waiting on a lift. Because my time isn't important in anyway. See what this weekend brings. Hopefully they will have a good time.

I have a few plans. Getting into the swing of eow. Can't say I like it. Cant imagine I ever will. But know I need the break as both kids are needing so much from me emotionally and challenging in different ways. I know I need to recharge.

We have a date with camh's don't know if it an actually appointment or re assessment but as he is now self harming and says he wants to be dead I think he meets the criteria. Watch this space. I do fully understand all mental health services are stretched to breaking point but where else am I meant to go to get ds the help he needs. His play theory ends when School finishes.

Hope you all have some lovely plans and make the most of the sunny weekend

Hello - how is everyone doing? hope CAMHS referral comes through eve and you can get some help for your son.

I’m having a crap time atm - eldest was ill and now I’m unwell and so is my youngest. It really hits me that even though I feel rubbish there isn’t anyone tonhelp and I will have to be up looking after the youngest.

Hope everyone is managing to enjoy the sunshine and isn’t too hot!

Crabs - hope you are feeling in a bit better place now

Hi crumps

Sorry to hear the lurgy has struck. Times like these really bring home how tough it can be on your own. I hope you all feel better soon x

Eve sorry to hear your son is struggling to much, must be very hard to see him feeling like that but I hope he gets the help he needs soon.

I’m feeling a bit down, ex sent me some messages over weekend - all very amicable and business-like regarding switching some things over to his bank account. Then he asked me if I’d had thoughts about what to do with the house and that he’d email me later.

After two days the email arrived and basically it was just checking how much money he’d need to give me each month etc etc. I replied with all the info and told him how I’m making it beneficial for him by me staying in house as he’s not giving me as much money as we originally agreed so that he can manage financially.

But basically after all the pleasantness he then announces that we might as well start divorce proceedings as “obviously this was never a trial separation” and “neither of us are begging to get the other one back”

As much as it’s true it just hit me a bit hard. He then tried to pass options onto me and send me links about how to go about starting proceedings but I just told him that this was him initiating it so he can go away and find the best way to do it (we agreed we’d just do it online without solicitors due to having an amicable agreement). I also said I wouldn’t be paying for it as I cant afford money for that at the moment (even doing it on the cheap seems to be £800). I wasn’t sure how we stood mortgage wise as we need to leave it joint even after the divorce until a few years but apparently he said it’s not an issue as he’d been reading about it.

He then said he would let me know which company he was going to use so that I would know when I could expect an email about it.

So basically 30 years of a relationship and 18 years of marriage comes down to a quickie online divorce !

Like I say no surprise to be honest but didn’t expect him to initiate it just yet. But maybe for the best as I know that there was no way back.

I guess the actual divorce may be fairly painless as there’s no arguments over child visitation or money so I guess legally it can just go through if both of us are agreeable. I plan to keep my married name though mainly so I share the same surname as the kids and it’s generally a lot less hassle. It’s only a name after all.

Kind of feeling a bit numb tonight really

Hugs to all xx

I love sorry to hear you aren't well. It is times like this it hits you that it is all down to you.

Although when we were all sick
One after the other I am sure ex would of taken a Not Ill child if I had asked and it was a weekend day. I know I am cutting my nose off. But I would rather struggle than ask him for anything. Maybe that will lessen in time.

Eow was cut short as ex had a bad back. So he got to opt out of parenting 🙄. We agreed a time and he kept we waiting half an hour. So said it wasn't fair that I had actually cancelled my plans to accommodate him and he kept me waiting. He bite my head off. although did have the grace to kind of apologies the following day.

He is just a complete twat. Although I know I am better off without him I still have had some very sad days. It is coming to the date when he left the first time. Certain event we went to last year he made unbearable. Obvious why now. and now I'm going to this events on my own it has really hit me hard this week.

Seven weeks til our holidays. Soon come round. Although no need to go to Spain for the sun shine.

Hope you all soon turn a corner I love.

Hi all typed a big long reply but my bloody WiFi cutout and it got deleted. I blame the weather

Sorry to hear you’re not well crumps. It must feel relentless when it’s been such a tough year. Hopefully a few days time will be better. I’m in a better place than I was this time last week.

Moo I really feel for you, same for me in that it’s doing the practical things to end your family when it hits home. Or doesn’t- it’s just numbing. For me it’s gonna be loading up a van with my life and driving away from a shell. I feel nothing towards her now but there’s a finality that’s hard to deal with when those lines are crossed. All those connections and memories feel hard to cope with for me as they have somehow now been altered in a very sad way. Sorry to waffle.

Eve you’re being very strong. I really hope your eldest finds some calm and the end of term will give some time for things to settle. I don’t think you’re in a position to ask for any help from him as he hasn’t established the basic routine yet- that’s not anything you’ve done wrong.

I’m feeling quite calm although there’s probably a storm coming what with working out wtf my life will look like in a few months time. Will be moving somewhere completely new so as to be close enough for midweek school nights so all a bit daunting, the last few months have been so tough already. Counselling has been good again and is giving me a good way to work out what it is I’m feeling and what to aim for. Hugs all x

Eve- I should have written ask for any help from your ex (not your son)

Hi everyone

Sorry to hear that everyone is in a bit of a low - I think we were maybe all running on adrenaline for a long time and now it is slowly wearing off. Trying to be positive my somewhat difficult eldest son has been lovely the last days - he is only just 6 but brought me a coffee and toast in bed( a bit scary tbh!!).

Eve - I know what you mean. My ex would no doubt have taken my well child too. I don’t know why I didn’t ask tbh. I’m sorry yours is being so rubbish. It’s still everything on their terms/when they want it.

I’m findings I have a few ok days/week and then ex does something unpleasant again. This week was discovering that despite emailing me to say he had he had paid an outstanding tax bill ( that he’d forgotten to pay for months) that was in my name only ( it was for our childcare where we are employers, it was the one thing I’d not changed yet. ) turns out he hadn’t. I came home to an enforcement notice and bailiffs threatened. Had to find the money to pay which wasn’t easy. Rang him and must admit I totally shouted - was really upset as worried about credit rating etc. And he tried to make out I was overreacting! It was a real reminder as to what being married was like.

Moo - I’m so sorry. Even though you know it is coming that must have been so hard to hear from your ex. The finality and all those years just reduced to something so formal and cold from him. It probably doesn’t feel like it but I imagine once the divorce is through you will feel better and will be able to start to really move on. It’s hard though as even though you’ve known it is real, I think whilst just separated you feel linked still somehow - even if you don’t want to go back?

Crabs - glad you are feeling a bit brighter. It’s tough but at least you are moving towards something - your lovely son. Hold onto that and remember how fantastic it will be to be nearer to him.