Feeling sad....but will get there!

[Moocow72]

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

Hi everyone hope you’re all ok ish. Eve I think you’ve done really well this weekend, although it’s taken a while, having your first weekend without your kids must have been difficult to say the least, especially when there seems to be so little effort played on his part. His ineptitude means you may well end up seeing your kids when he should be having them, but it’s best for them, as long as he steps up properly over time.

Moo I think you’re doing great too. That pang of sadness is a bugger though, like a cartoon dark cloud following you round all day. Least that’s what it’s like for me. I hope that once your eldest finishes his exams you can maybe fix your mind on some downtime with them both- I’m trying to fix my mind on a summer camping trip that we’ve talked about for ages. And good that you can stomach doing the presentation with your ex. I still need to mtfu about this so you’re doing much better than me.

I still have a lot of latent anger towards her, I want to write to her telling her how awful she is etc, but this will get me nowhere. It’s my second counselling session tmro so I will talk about this.

Had ds since Wednesday pm and once again it’s been lovely. Taking him back to his mum tmro, but looking forward to summer hols now. Hugs all

Hi everyone . Reading through last couple of pages, seems we are all suffering from that low level sadness as it dawns on us (again) that this is it and that they are living the life they want . Like they're punishing us for their infidelity. It seems like as time has passed because life has calmed down for them and they're living the life of Riley they think everything is ok and they can chat as if you're just friends. They totally lack empathy , compassion and block everything out. I think a lot of us feel this is it or how can I move forward. I don't feel that I want anyone new but I too am looking forward to when he sees me with someone else. I do think that will cause him pain , I'm looking forward to that day x hope everyone is motoring through X

Morning winter. I am sure there is someone else for all of us further down the line. It isn't what I wanted for my kids. I grew up with step parents. My mum made some bad choices so I just hope I don't.
I hope I find someone decent who treats me right? I too look forward to the day someone else is sat on my sofa. Although ex is so self absorbed he will pat himself on the back and think see I was right. We are all happy and I did the right thing. Told him once when I still had some fight I would move on but it is not what I want. It is a compromise for the life I wanted. He will never see this as wrong or a mistake. And told him of course it will work out. Life has to. I have no choice in that. I had no choice in any of this. There isn't any point either then and defiantly not now he is never wrong and only sees what he wants to see.

eve if only that were the case. I honestly think he'd happily continue the way we are ad infinitum.

lonely funny you talk about camping, we bought a tent and all the necessary bits about two years ago and while the weather has been great now, neither of us have gone away and used it. Hopefully that'll happen next summer. I would love the children to experience camping trips as I never did when I was young.

winter there was no infidelty in our breakup but I see your point. You're battered and bruised metaphorically from this relationship still so can't see another one in your future yet he's off doing his thing straight away without a second thought!

I have been thinking about it in theory though, and I don't really want someone my own age who's come out of a similar situation so there'd be two ex's and children to deal with, but then again I don't want someone my own age who hasn't been in a relationship either because I don't want a man child either Maybe I'll have to be a cougar!! But then I don't want more children either! Destined to be alone

Hi all

Seems very quiet on here so just wondered how you’re all doing ?

Crumps - haven’t heard from you for a while - hope things are ok xx

Hugs to all xx

Evening all. Yes. It has slowed up. Guess we are all moving on. I'm looking at the third full weekend of contact this weekend. Hopefully eldest doesn't ask to come back after first night. Like he has the previous visits.
I have some plans but still coming to terms with the new status quo.
Eldest son is still struggling. His dad still takes no responsibility for his part in all of this. Really dislike the person he has become. Although that makes it easier to not feel sad that he isn't part of my life anymore.

Still we are moving forward and have a summer holiday to look forward too.

Hope everyone else keeping ok and on the up.

Morning all.

I’ve been spending the last few days reading and reading everything I can on the subject of narc/npd and suddenly the penny has dropped. I can not only see the reasons why the relationship we had was doomed but also my role in why it was sustained for so long. I played my role too, and although I know I was true and acting in good faith throughout, there were reasons within myself as to why I ignored the red flags that this disorder produce. They were there in absolute spades but my love blinded me. It has been a true dawning for me and the pieces of the jigsaw have dropped into place. This revelation, although providing clarity, has been incredibly painful to wrap my head around. It’s rocked me to the core.

It’s the implications for my son and his emotional growth.

This is not just about someone being a bit selfish or vain. The science behind it is only just emerging but there seems to be quite a consensus as to what is understood about the condition. Higher brain function- the complex mature emotions are simply not there. They can be simulated/copied by one who is impaired but that is as far as it goes. There is no true empathy, compassion or love as the nescessarynbrain development never occurred in those formative years. This is partly genetic and partly down to environment ie parenting.

So I feel I have can now see clearly. But the burden of what I now see is bordering on horrific. I know armchair diagnosis can be pointless and like clutching at straws but I am 100% sure that this is the root of the situation with what happened in my case. The more I learn the clearer it is. I have desperately tried to find a reason or argument to counter what I’ve seen but it just isn’t there. I wish it wasn’t this (I honestly do)as the reality is both staggering and brutal. But I know in my gut this is what is at the core in my situation.

So I must be the best I can be now, for myself and my son, and focus and redouble my efforts to make sure I can teach my son the vital lessons about love, compassion and kindheartedness so that he too is able to love from the heart and not from the head.

Sorry that was so deep. It’s been a very hard few days coming to terms with it but today I feel a calmness from seeing the lay of the land and the true way forward. Doesn’t mean it’s gonna be easy, quite the opposite in lots of ways. Hugs to all. Big squeezy, from the heart hugs. Xx

Hey crab

You sound a lot like me in that you are very practical and like to find out as much information as you can about why things may have happened and why someone behaves how they do.

I hope it’s helped you, but remember if you’re concerned about your son that both parents have an influence and just because your ex has some personality issues it doesn’t mean they will rub off on your son or cause him any problems. Your influence and those around him at school etc should balance things out.

It’s good that you can see things more clearly now though, I think that when you’re part of the relationship it’s impossible sometimes to be able to see these things.

Hugs

Crumps - haven’t heard from you in a while.
You ok ??

Xx

Lonely hope your Father's Day has gone ok for you

Oh mammy thanks so much xx

Hope you got some time with your boy today crab. And if not, I’m sure you will be with him soon and can have your own Father’s Day.

Hugs

Thanks moo, we had a lovely weekend together although we were on our journey back to his mums by lunchtime. Summer hols round the corner so gonna get planning. Hopefully get a couple of seven day breaks together 🙂

Thanks for your wise words too, that really helped and although I’ve turned a corner with getting past our relationship (a bloody fraud from start to end) I feel like it’s gonna be a tough decade coming up, like scaling Everest in a pair of flip flops.
Hugs to all and absent hugs to crumps eve and winter too x

Afternoon all.

Moo very wise words there. Guess it is all part of the process of moving forward. But still wanting to make sense of it all. How does someone love you so much they commit themselves to you. Then we end up here.

I too feel that ex is having some sort of crisis. He is a completely different man and this weekend has highlighted how little he actually wants or cares about the children. They have slept on a sofa at his friends house and he left them in their care over night and they have pretty much spent the whole weekend in the pub.
And although my mothering instinct is screaming out about the risks and him being neglectful there is little I can do. He is allowed to parent as he wishes.
I do think that he will slowly reduce contact as drinking is clearly his priority right now. Time will tell. Just so very sad for the children and for him. He was a much better man than this. I am glad I am in the side lines and not in the middle of this mess. I just need to make sure the children are safe and have good people around them.

Hi everyone I hope you are all ok. I guess it's good that we're not on here so much. Means we are stronger and learning to live with the new reality, not necessarily accept it or believe it , but dealing with it . It's due in no small part to the support of this community that we can move on, but sad as well because we have been there for each other and ironically need each other less. Hopefully we can still be here when needed. Crab I think they all have a flaw that's why they do it, we have probably put up with them /not noticed as we've been with them so long it's become normal and we over compensate for them . We are better off without them. I am much more myself now than I have been, time is indeed a healer, though not completely. I still hope karma strikes though and brings him down Big hugs all round X

Eve I feel for you. It's a shame they can't see themselves for what they've become. You are quite right to make sure they have the best possible upbringing with you, your friends and family X X

Afternoon all hope we doing ok. You’re right winter, this forum has been so valuable as a place to vent and has given me strength, knowing there are others in the same boat. The rawness of it all is subsiding but for me I have a long way to go. Like many of us I feel my ability to trust has been damaged, perhaps changed forever. I would always look for the good in a persons character before but that has been stolen now it feels, and I now find myself looking (or fearing) the worst instead. I don’t like feeling like that, it’s paranoid, but I guess that’s the fallout from realising I was loving an illusion. If I was fooled when I was so sure, how can I know it won’t happen again? We are all changed people after what we’ve been through I have to remember, so I know I’m not alone. Time will continue the healing process, and I suppose this is what life is about, making mistakes and learning from them.

Have been getting emails from the witch about details to do with our house, and each one drags up feelings again. It’s all mundane stuff but it still hurts- a small part of my brain still responds in the same way as before, to want to reach out and connect but that’s only natural I guess. I’m realising that replying straight away is prolonging this hurt, and I’m realising that not responding straight away is helping with my closure.

Got lots of viewings on our house but unsurprisingly no buyers. The market is still falling where we are so that’s to be expected, anyone with half a brain will be sitting tight. Hopefully this will change as I just want to start the next chapter in my life now. Hugs x

Crab. Hopefully the right person will be along for the house soon. I can't imagine how this limbo must be for you.

Well wise people I bring you today's dilemma. Ds play. Has 2 performances. Now I sent all key dates to ex but he didn't not respond. But I did my bit.

So I have a letter for the play. My options are

1. Do nothing.
2. Book 2 tickets for both performances. I'll go with my Mum to one. He and ow can go to evening one
3. Just get him one evening ticket

The problem with Number 2. Is although I want her to know I'm not a complete bitch as I am sure I have been made out to be. I also don't want her to think she is welcome to school stuff moving forward.

Any thoughts would be much appreciated.

Hi eve

What a dilemma ! The reasonable response to me is number 1. You’ve asked ex, he hasn’t responded so his loss.

However, knowing me and knowing the fact that our motherly instinct always kicks in about not wanting to disappoint/upset the kids - I would probably go with number 2.

I would probably have a go at myself afterwards about why I was making an effort for ex and his ow and tell myself off for being so soft but at the end of the day it’s all about what the kids would want, and if yours are the same as mine then they’d want their dad to be there.

Ex doesn’t deserve your kindness and you making such an effort though.

So I’m somewhere between 1 and 2 but I guess in between doesn’t really help ! Sorry!

Xx

Although when I actually think about it - perhaps 3 is the answer. He is not missing the performance but you’ve not been told that ow wants a ticket and why should you consider her in the scheme of things ?

So if no response from ex then number 3 is perhaps the “in between” option after all !

xx

Hi crab

Sorry you’re in limbo at the moment - it’s tough having to be patient and have your life on hold until you get an offer.

I’m putting off the limbo really as am still in the house and am hoping to keep it for the foreseeable as it’s manageable and I’m doing ex a favour by not screwing him over as far as money is concerned (ie I’m taking far less than I should from him). But it’s in my interest really as I want to keep the house atm.

Although sometimes I do feel maybe selling and moving on could be healthier for me. If it wasn’t for the fact that I’d end up with nothing (as basically the equity wipes out joint debt) then I’d be more tempted.

But there are times I’m unsure staying in the family home is the right thing for me - but it is for the kids and I know they come first. Sometimes the reminders are hard though, in the study where I work from (I work from home at least two days a week) I still have a canvas up on the wall of the four of us from a few years ago. I know I should replace it but it’s hard - I mean, how do you remove all trace of someone who you’ve spent 30 years with and who is the father of your two kids ? And am I being unrealistic to think I can ?

But also how can I move on when there are so many things that still bind us together ? (Kids, joint debt etc). But in all honesty I am no where near ready to think about another relationship.

I need to take it a day at a time I think and not get too dragged down by what may happen tomorrow. Maybe that could work for you too Crab but I know it’s not that easy.

Hugs xx

Eve I’d send another text saying if you want tickets you need to let me know ASAP, if you haven’t done in your first text already. I wouldn’t buy him any at all if he hasn’t had the decency to respond. Balls already in his court. So it’s a 1 from me.

I know it must be difficult moo, seeing all those things from decades together. And hard to just change everything overnight (or over a few months as it were) but I think in the long run it’s for the best. Anything that makes me look back I’m seeing as a bad thing, but that just might be my situation as she turned into a pretty horrific person in a few short weeks. It makes me shudder knowing what lies behind the mask now. So perhaps replace the canvas with a similar one with just you and your kids? It’s not that simple and money doesn’t grow on trees but changing the small things around you helps to keep the mind moving forward I reckon.

Hi crab

Thanks for your reply. I know I need to take the picture down - part of me was using the excuse that I didn’t want to upset the kids if they noticed, but to be honest they don’t go into that room often and they probably wouldn’t mind as it was taken a few years ago and now that they’ve hit the teenage years they’re embarrassed about how cute they looked when they were younger!!

I actually have some spare (non-family) pictures that I could swap around so wouldn’t cost me anything. I think that’s the right thing to do. Not so sure how easy it is to separate everything else but like you say, it’s sometimes the small things that you can do that make the most difference.

Thanks again x

Morning moo and crab. Thank you for taking the time to reply. I will get them two tickets. But maybe only pass on one. As you say it is what's best for the children. And in all honesty I don't think ds is ready to see ow in that role.

Moo I would change the picture. Maybe have a good sort of your office if it is anything like mine and a change around.
We have a wall of photos in the dining room. I changed the pictures he was in. Kids didn't notice. Or didn't say. I wasn't going to eat and have his fake face staring back at me.
Hopefully a sunny day for everyone. I have sports day today. See if ex turns up or not. I'm not going to remind him.

Hi eve

Did ex turn up at the Sports Day ?

Thanks everyone for the encouragement re: the family picture. In the end I changed it with one I bought and I also replaced a couple of pictures from the living room - they weren’t family pictures but were ones that he chose/wanted. I liked them too so just left them for convenience but decided to replace with some new ones as well. Feel better for doing it and also have got some bits and pieces done in the house and cleared some stuff out so it’s generally been a positive experience and it’s helped keep me occupied.

Have been spending a bit too much money lately for things in the house but it came out of a bonus I had so it’s not debt, but the sensible me was saying I should have kept all the bonus for emergencies. But what the hell, I still have some left and life’s too short!

I hope everyone is enjoying the weather. I get bad hay fever so it’s a bit of a pain but I try and enjoy it as much as I can and keep dosed up on antihistamines !

Hugs all xx

Morning. Moo. No he did not show up for sports day. So I then felt guilty that I should of chased him and reminded him. Still wrestling with sending him a text to say can you acknowledge the text I sent with the key dates. I'm sure he looked at it and then completely forgot. Although that suits me. It's what is best for the children. Still have sometime to think on that.
He text on thurs. Said his plans have changed this weekend can he see the kids Friday evening. We had all offered to help as School event. So said no. we had plans already. But pissed me off because it is my weekend. Then felt guilty As children missed opportunity to sit in pub and be ignored. To see their dad. I guess I still feel responsible for their relationship with him.