Hi All
Hope we're all doing OK.
Eve - sounds like your ex is being an ar$e but good that you can see him for what he is and you're doing what you need to to protect yourself as much as you can.
I'm feeling very much how alot of you are describing, just a general "sadness" about the situation and a realisation that this is how things are going to be and I need to start and make the most out of my life.
I am worried that I may crash in a spectacular fashion in a couple of weeks as eldest will finish his exams. He's just over half way now but each week is very much driven around tutor sessions at the house, revision sessions at school and generally getting him through each day and keeping him positive. I know that once he's finally finished it's going to be such a relief for him and I can't wait as I remember what that summer was like when you'd finished exams, it was lovely to be able to de-stress for a few weeks and he certainly needs it.
But I worry that without that going on that it will hit me even more, but I know that it's my responsibility to deal with it. I'm looking forward to giving my youngest a bit more attention but I know that even though as a mother my kids will always be me priority, I can't use what is going on in their lives as a distraction from dealing with mine.
Myself and ex exchange brief messages these days just about practical or kids stuff. To be honest I've just felt disappointed with him really - when we discussed about splitting up he said he knew he didn't behave properly and didn't do his share with the kids/house etc. and drank too much but felt that once we were separated he could be a better Dad etc. At the time I took it all with a pinch of salt as he always had a habit of blaming other things on his failings. But perhaps deep down I thought he may suddenly become this pro-active, happy, responsible person when I wasn't there making him miserable.
Turns out he hasn't really changed as far as I can see. I asked him to sort out the eldest's prom suit with him as I thought it would be a nice thing for them to do plus obviously he has more experience buying suits than me. Weeks went by and eldest asked me a couple of days ago when he was getting his suit so basically ex had done nothing and the prom is three weeks away. So we got on the internet and sorted one out - tried it on yesterday and he looked lovely. Thought I'd send ex a picture (without any sarky comments about him not sorting it) and he replied with a thumbs up and then a comment "Has he not got brown shoes ? Black looks OK but brown is better". I bit my lip not to reply with "Well if you'd sorted this weeks ago when I asked then you could have advised him" but I just replied with "No he wanted black" and left it at that.
We were also together as a family for the first time in ages at the eldest's football presentation. It was OK but as we were walking away (eldest wasn't within earshot) ex asked about what eldest was doing with regards to the scholarship programme and I just replied "He's accepted the conditional offer as that is what he wants to do, but obviously over the summer he may change his mind and want to go to college so we'll just see what happens" and all he could say in reply was "Well I think he's making a mistake" to which I said "Ok" and left it at that.
It just really irritates me how negative he is about seemingly everything. Perhaps I notice it more now that we're not together.
Plus just other things I generally hear from his parents that he doesn't ring them or see them or do anything at all make me think he hasn't changed as is still selfish. I used to make excuses for him when we were together but not any more.
But like I say it's no surprise really as people just suddenly don't completely change personality overnight - maybe it is finally dawning on him that he has no one else to blame and his failings really are his own responsibility.
I try not to think about it too much though as it's not my problem anymore.
On a practical note, we're still in the house with no plans to change things. I am paying lions share of things but it's manageable, and ex is about to move from his house to a flat. Not sure on reasons but suspect it's a combination of rent being cheaper and the fact he doesn't need a garden either to use or maintain. I'm not sure how long this will go on for - but if we sell and pay off majority of debt then I will need to take more from ex each month as I will do it properly (ie child maintenance etc.) and not be so generous as basically I will have to rent somewhere smaller with the added costs that will incur.
I think I just need to get a grip of myself a bit. I've been keeping busy and making sure I walk the dog alot each day as exercise helps and am arranging to go out with friends next weekend for a meal.
Maybe I need to use the approach I use for my eldest's exams when I tell him "Take one day at a time".
Hugs to all xx