Feeling sad....but will get there!

[Moocow72]

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

Moo. You have summed him up well. He is just a selfish arse in all ways. I wonder why ow puts up with it. But she is not my concern. Just wish ex would grow up. I don't think it will happen anytime soon. In the mean time I have to keep soaking it up for ds. Who has had the mother of all melt downs this afternoon. In my head I think I can't do this anymore. I know I have too. And it will pass

eve what age is your boy that is uncomfortable with what his father is doing with/to new girlfriend? It's wrong, it's a bad example, and it's not something a child should have to witness

Mammy he 11 nearly 12. This issue is a long standing one. I use to be constantly telling him not to touch me up in front of the children. He had no regard for my personal space or any respect for boundaries. He constantly complained I wasn't 'affectionate' enough. He completely had no respect for me or consideration for others around us. And apparently it was my issue. And don't get me started on what sort of message this sends out to the children. I can only be glad that he only had the kids for 24 hours in a fortnight. At the moment. He never took onboard what I said and won't now.

eve H used to come up to me when I was chopping veg or whatever, could he give me a hand with anything and before I'd have time to suggest something he'd be behind me holding up my boobs with his hands my bra does that job just fine, thanks very much, and then he'd be stroppy when I didn't turn around and start snogging him after his degrading effort at being romantic

all you can do is explain to your son how men should respect women I guess.

Mammy they are someone else's problem now. It is a horrible way to behave. And I never understood how he did not see how inappropriate it was. Guess it is their sense of entitlement.

Sounds pretty rank that sort of behaviour tbh eve and mammy. Is that affection? A quick boob grab. Classy

Sleepless nights are back for me it would seem. All this contact has really buggered me up and got about 3 hours last night. Up to commute in and only had about 10mins to grab lunch at the end of my job. Went to get ds then long journey down to parents for my eow. Was feeling pretty tearful getting in here but part of that is just being mega tired. But it really has taken me back a long way having to talk things over and I don’t think it’s acheived very little apart from making me really sad again. Hey ho. Got my son here now for 48 hours so looking forward to a nice walk tomorrow. Hugs all

I mean I don’t think it’s achieved very much. Or it’s achieved very little. Or something.

I think I need a lie down

Crab - have a great weekend with your ds and hope you manage to catch up on the sleep

Eve/mammy - my ex wasn’t so much physical like yours were but would say things that I would consider inappropriate and rather crass if I’m honest. But apparently that was my problem because somehow I didn’t find his crude remarks (sometimes about other women too) a turn on !

Sometimes I feel very grateful i don’t have to put up with that anymore.

Xx

Evening all

Crab. I am sure your ds looks forward to his weekend by the sea with you. I am sure it is the highlight of his week. You are building some wonderful memories with him. You are a really wonderful dad and how much you love and care for his just shine through. I hope your sleep improves. It was the 4am starts to my day that I lead me to the meds. I just couldn't function on so little sleep night after night.

Moo there is a pattern emerging with these men. I was pondering the other day. My ex use to say really inappropriate and goady things. That just left me speechless and I think in reflection he was just ramping up the bad behaviour to get a reaction from me and maybe hoping I would challenge him and throw him out. Although it was always there. He was behaving spectacularly badly in the last few months. I just thought it was him loosing his job and the drinking etc making him so horrible and unhappy. And was hoping his new job would get him back on the straight and narrow. But that is well and truly in the past now. And he has to live knowing he treated me and the kids very badly for the last year together. I do actually know we are better off without him. The good,Moral, loving man he use to be was long gone.

Every week I drive by the house I'm going to buy and make into a lovely home for myself and my dc on my way to dds horse riding class, I can't wait for the day it'll be mine, hopefully it won't sell before then, it's been on market for a few years

Lonely enjoy weekend with ds.

We've a family event tomorrow, I think H had decided that he was going with dc and I wasn't going at all, pity he didn't check with me because I'm attending too after taking ds to rugby training first.
Will be interesting to see how it pans out

Mammy you are brave. Good for you going along. You shouldnt feel like you have to stay away. I hope everyone makes you feel welcome. And you enjoy the event.

Eve I see these people more often than he does! Next sat night will be interesting, there's a milestone birthday party, we've both been invited! Between today & then I need to find out from him if he's told any of his family.

Mammy. I was much more involved with his side of the family. But have back right away as no longer appropriate. I know his mum is finding it really upsetting. I use to talk to her most days and go and visit each school holiday. But I've not been since Christmas. She keeps asking about us visiting but I know it will upset me too much. It is one of the things that makes me so sad. The kids and that side of the family miss out now.
Good that you have been able to keep up contact I hope they are all supportive of you. .

Eve the weirdest thing is these people are his first wife's family and I have been the link between them for so long and I'm closer than he is to them now.
They talk of Mammy's house when they're visiting not H's!
I don't think I'll lose their friendship when the news finally breaks.

Your mil counts you as her family after all this time so probably misses you, would her visiting be an option or is she too elderly?

DC's relationship with their niece and nephews may suffer as a result of our separation but I will do my best to encourage them to spend time together as I always have, H doesn't bother his work/Jobs for other people have always come before his first and second family.

Mammy that is good you keep the relationship going. My dad is still close to his second wife and also a mother of another brother. How his third wife puts up with it all I don't know. But they get along and it worked out well for the children.

Unfortunately mil has done health issues which make it very difficult for her to travel and be away from home. I know she is as upset as I am about the situation. Another fall out of his decision family links become awkward and people loose touch.

Ex has been to visit them once. But that was only because the kids were uncomfortable sleeping in the same room as him and ow. He only did it once. Playing the look how sensitive I am being Card.

It is a big change but it wasn't my doing.

Today was frustrating but nice too.
I spent it in company of H's first sister in laws who had been discussing how I came to be in their lives. We spoke of how H introduced me to them & how it got me off to a bad start with them.
Frustrating because I couldn't discussing our separation as he's not told his children yet to best of my knowledge.
I hoped he'd still be up when I came home so that I could find out when exactly he plans on doing this. There's another family party next weekend, and I want to go plus he's going too! I don't wish to go together.

Eve your dads third wife sounds very relaxed

Pity about your MIL, my feeling on this would be if you want to keep her in yours and the dcs life do if it feels right to you.

Morning all bit cloudy here on the south coast but I’ve got a feeling the sun will burn it off.

Wish I had some sort of good feeling to my ex in laws but for me it’s quite the opposite. She has spent a lot of time with her parents since we split (naturally perhaps) but has during this time turned into an almost carbon copy of her dad- a very cold and heartless person. They were in our family home the day after I left and several days later the decision had been made to sell it, rather than take some time to see if we could be saved. Her parents are incredibly posh, but are entirely friendless in the village they live in and spend a lot of time talking everyone down whilst bugging themselves up. Hard, cold people that think charity is for mugs, fox hunting is a lovely pastime and they’re not too keen on darkies either. Charming. Still, that’s where my ex is from so it was naive of me to think she would turn out to be massively different.

Anyway, feeling a bit vexed this morning because she won’t meet me at the station we normally meet up at; which means I will have to take my ds the entire way back to our house. So I’m doing all of the travel to allow our son his time with me. I think it’s only fair this should be shared, but she said she’s got a driving lesson today so can’t make it to the usual changeover point. So I get a 3 hour journey to pick him up and a 3 hour journey to drop him back, because she’s busy for an hour.

Will be writing to her about this. I believe this should be shared evenly between us.

She probably has no problem with this uneven arrangement. And that is the crux of it- she became unable to see how unfair she was in almost every aspect of her behaviour.

Crab. That does seem very unfair. And as she instigated the split she should at least make some effort with the travel arrangements as you had the decency to move from the family home.

It doesnt sound like she comes from a very giving family and I guess in these situations people show their true colours - something I keep being accused of when I seem to of committed some sort of crime.

It's turned out to be a beautiful afternoon. I have an extra weekend with the children as their dad is working away. So making the most of it

Crab that's awful, like her time is more important than yours.

Cheers mammy and eve yes it does seem a bit like that. Also don’t massively give a monkeys what she’s upto, it could be scuba diving lessons for all I care. I’m busy will suffice. But I spose if she put it like that, it sounds lazy so there it is.

Had a sublime weekend with ds. Picture postcard stuff and just lovely sun mostly! He was pretty sad on changeover again, but he’s not the same when he leaves his mum at the start of the weekend. We barely talk at changeover and I’m wondering if he feels the stress of that situation between us (bringing up memories of us when we all a family) and that’s what makes it harder for him. I must work on that side of things more as it’s probably more me than her being frosty. It’s difficult though. I feel anger towards her instinctively because of the hurt she’s caused my son. Hugs all

Evening everyone

Hope you are all doing OK. I’m still in this low that I just can’t shake. It isn’t the intense sadness of before, but just an underlying ongoing sadness of that make sense. I think maybe because the reality of the situation is really starting to settle with me - and all the implications of that. On the plus side I’ve found a great solicitor who is cheaper than the one I saw last time! But again speaking to her makes it all more real ( and yet unreal at the same time!).

My eldest is also struggling and has been referred by the school, which was hard although I know for the best. Plus am going to have to change the kids childcare which will mean their nanny leaving, I’m worried about that too!

Main thing though is ex just told me he has got a new job so won’t be travelling anymore. Plus he still intends to move back nearer apparently. I’m really, really struggling with trying to accept he might have the kids more. I know it would probably be best for them, they are his kids too - but I’m just finding it so hard. I already find it difficult when they go to his and I honestly feel broken by the thought of them going more nights. Like I say I’m not saying he shouldn’t have them - it just feels like the ultimate unfairness. It’s also when they are with him they are all together with his OW, acting as a family. I just feel like I have lost so much at the moment. And I don’t want to be apart from my boys.

Feel for you crumps. Remember you will always be mum to your dcs. No one will ever replace you in that role and although they may seem like a family it’s not the same.

I know it’s hard but hopefully you will adjust. I was absolutely devastated when my son was wrenched from my life and although I only see him eow for 48 hours it has meant he has my undivided attention, although I’m trying not to overdo this and just be together as we always were.

The thing I’m trying to fix on is that loving these people (our exes) was always going to be a losing battle as they weren’t honouring their side of the deal. However much it hurts to look back at what you thought you had, being liberated from these people is actually a blessing as you now have the chance to be with someone who can show you truly what love means, once you have healed properly. I’m sorry if that doesn’t help much I just don’t like hearing you sound so down. Hug x

Have decided to move to near where my ex is going so I can do midweek overnights and school runs which will double my nights with my ds. I figured wherever I go I’m gonna be alone and not going out much as the few friends I have are coupled up and almost in pipe and slippers land. Have spoken to ex and she was positive about this which relieved me. Trying to get her to agree to doing half the transport was pointless; she’s working and that cannot be changed apparently. I could reply telling her what a selfish cow she is, but life’s too short. Only 2/3 eows till the end of the school year so gonna let it go.

Crab - thank you for your kind words, particularly when you would be well within your rights to tell me how lucky I am having the kids as much as I do!

I think your plan to move near sounds a great idea - and you are right we will all need to rebuild our lives to a certain extent anyway. I also have the thing that nearly all of my friends are settled down. My friend who helped me paint the other weekend ( which was a positive. I have a lovely new colour in my bedroom) said to me not to make andecision about moving away now as I am looking at my life as it is at the minute, but I will rebuild it etc. ( although she thinkis I will meet someone else which I can’t imagine at the moment!).

It’s good your ex was positive about it too - it does sound like you and your ex are managing to co-parent well ( I’d imagine because you have been so generous in your response to her!) and it will be such a positive move for your son too.