Feeling sad....but will get there!

[Moocow72]

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

Hi crumps

I seem to be at a similar stage to you, so it must be a timing thing as it will be 6 months next week for me since ex told me he wanted a divorce. I will never forget that moment as long as I live - how I asked him what was wrong with him as he was sat on the couch looking miserable (not that unusual tbh) and how he got up, shut the living room door (kids were upstairs) and how he just came out with “I want a divorce”. And then all the patronising comments about how he can’t live like this even though he thought he could and how for the next two weeks all he did was make me feel like there was no point in discussing counselling, doing anything to try and save things and I can still remember the way he looked at me as if to say “It’s up to you to persuade me to stay as I have no desire to at all”. Then how he went off to spend time with OW and how condescending he was that she wasn’t the reason for the split but it was a “catalyst” and how he wanted to be happy again, that he wouldn’t give me details of his new friendship with her but expected it to develop once he had left etc etc. And also how he had no practical clue on how to initiate the separation and how it was down to me to come up with all the practical solutions whilst getting my head around it all. Then the horrible couple of months of being in the same house hiding it from the kids and everyone - it was emotionally and physically exhausting.

Actually when I write all of that it reminds me why I have no desire to be back in that situation - and even limping along like I am now is better than a false life of pretending everything is ok but really deep down being miserable and more lonely than I am now if I’m honest.

And in fact when I read those last paragraphs back I realise what a horrific time it was (and for all of us) and we have every right to feel a bit flat now and emotionally drained.

Xx

Afternoon all.

Crab. Hope you are able to come to a solution you feel is right for all of you. I don't envy your situation at all.

I think we have all come such a long way in a short time. Some habits are hard to break. Thinking about how they are and feeling sympathy when they aren't well. Habits that are difficult to get out of. I am sure as time moves on. They won't be so much in our thoughts.

I love. I hope you find some people to share your weekend with. I built a new circle of friends away from 'our' friends. I joined the local gingerbread group and found a Mum local to me. We go out either with or without the children. But she has been a life saver. I have also started volunteering with the children at the community allotment. And at the night shelter the weekends I don't have the children. Not necessarily to make friends. But to be in other people's company. I am sure once you start looking at opportunities you will find some new friends. It is a big adjustment.

Hope everyone enjoys the weekend whatever it brings for you. Can't believe we are all moving towards the six month mark.

Moo - that was pretty much exactly how it went with my ex. Even down to the two weeks and then having to take all the practical steps to initiate!

Eve - I joined gingerbread but no meet ups near me unfortunately as apparently there aren’t many members. Am thinking of posting in some local forums just to see if there are other single parents that fancy meeting up. If that doesn’t seem too sad!

Hi all, been busy with work ( which us a good thing, but feel exhausted) so not been in. It's a funny old thing, Crab- it has made necwibder what u would do. Back together for ease? Or because you really want to? Also Moocow - I'm the same , not with sympathy but I start thinking he's ok but I tread on eggshells and have to word everything so carefully in texts ( I try not to send any only essentials) in case he takes things the wrong way and then he replies with curt or friendly texts. I never know which way he's going to be. its rubbish situation. Hugs all x

Afternoon all and hope you’re coming out of your rut crumpets. I’ve been dragged out of mine by her email from a week ago to a strange place, a different kind of limbo, but a limbo all the same.

So after spending all day yesterday staring at my phone composing, editing and re-composing my response I finally sent it. Just as I sent it another one came through from her asking about the scenario should the house not sell for a while so regardless of my email reality is chugging away.

I tried to get across what I felt had become the problems from my point of view. That there were many things wrong with the dynamic of our relationship that can’t simply be ignored. The tone of her email to me was far less angry but still placed the burden of the problems pretty squarely with me. I replied that were problems all round, and that increasing I felt my feelings and opinions were being dismissed and ignored. I managed to edit out anything that was bitter or angry on my part and I’m glad I saw sense to do that. I ended by saying that unless she could show me the trust, optimism and acceptance; the love in essence that she had once shown me, that there was no point in us considering reconciliation. Only she can work out if that’s possible but without those things, it’s pointless. I signed off saying I dont know what to think or feel anymore.

So that’s that. Possibly the last email from me to her about our 12 year relationship, ever. Feel a bit numb really but mostly just fed up with staring at my bloody phone for days on end. Off out into the sun for lunch and cakes now! Hugs all xx

Crab - just wanted to say that I imagine sending that email was incredibly hard, but I think a really brave ( and difficult) thing to do. It must have been so tempting just to say yes, let’s get back together. I think it shows how far you have come without even realising it ( hope that doesn’t sound patronising).

Anyway hope you feel better nownit has been sent and that the time until you have some certainty again passes quickly x

Crab. Hope whatever happens you feel that you were able to say you piece and took the time to respond rather than raw emotion. And whatever happens from here it was able to bring you some closure to this difficult time. It must of been very hard to sum up your thoughts and feelings and remain unemotional about it. I hope you get an outcome you feel is the best for all of you.

I don't envy you at all in that situation. One i day dream about but I know deep down would never happen and would also be so very wrong to go backwards.

In other news my Yorkshire pudding tin is missing so can only guess it was taken with the lawn mower. camping chairs, bbq and the pump to blow up the air beds. God knows why he wanted it. It was old and always made the house smell whenever I used it. Another mystery. All items vital to flat living!

Crab - I second crumps and eve, sounds like you sent a very careful and considered response to her and summed up the situation very honestly. If she truly realised she has made a mistake then she will be also able to accept that she has to address her issues before you can move forward. If she wont, at least you found out now rather than get back involved before her true colours showed again.

Hope you treat yourself with lots of cakes though as that took a huge amount of guts and you should feel really proud of yourself.

Eve - your missing objects issue sounds like something from the Generation Game conveyor belt......

Camping chairs, Yorkshire pudding tin........cuddly toy ?!!

I may be the only one old enough to remember this

Xx

Sorry crab I read your dilemna but had nothing to offer and said nothing sorry for that.

Ha ha - I remember it Moo. Maybe there was more logic to the items than we realised ...

Yes I remember the generation game. I am sure in his head there was some logic. But I am not going to rise to it. Assuming he wants a response. He will be waiting a long time. 😂

Eve34- yours has taken things. Apart from the lawn mower, mine has shown v little interest in things- he's left loads of stuff here and seems so disengaged from it all, I think that hurts more than if he took stuff . It's like the last 20 years meant nothing. All he's interested in is letting me know when he's away for the weekend , it's so cruel and makes my head a tortuous place to be, wondering if they're with his family, if she's sucking up to them and more to the point if they are totally accepting of her. It's driving me round the bend. Does anyone have any strategies for coping with the thoughts that creep in? I thought that after this many months I would be able to block them, but they're creeping in stronger than before. Thanks xx

Winter sorry to hear you are struggling. I had all those thoughts at the start and sometimes they still creep in. I fully expect her to be pregnant by the end of the year. Just to show everyone how right he was to leave. It makes me so very sad. But I try not to over think these things. He will soon stop playing the mr nice guy at some point. She is welcome to him. I don't have any suggestions except to try and keep busy and focus on the positives.

eve that's a funny array of stuff to take to a flat alright, but did he see it as they were bought with 'his money' I wonder yorkshire puddings are way better out of a muffin tin anyhow I hardly ever use my yorkshire pudding tin now as it only makes 4 and the recipe does 12 in muffin tin exactly.

Thanks Eve, I expect the same and for them to be married as soon as house business sorted . 😟 I try not to think of them but sometimes it's hard when certain events happen over the year X I am generally positive and busy to the point of exhaustion ! But will keep going. Mammy - Shame about the muffin tins😄 X

Morning all and sorry it’s all still churning round in your head winter. I’m in that same boat now too after this set of emails, after weeks of getting to a point where I thought I was managing to get some distance on it. Wish I knew how to switch it off too.

She replied with a few niceties but said it’s not going to work is it. Said a few more nice things and that’s about it, several lines which she probably took about a minute to write. Speaks volumes about how much effort she’s capable of, but I spose I knew all this, eh?

She finished by hoping that we could agree it was both of us that decidedly to split. So I’m not sure why she was writing emails to me in the first place. Perhaps just to try and get me to take the guilt. Am trying not to let all it go round in my head once again. And failing. Slightly weary hugs all x

lonely why is it so important to her to agree that both of decided to split? Is it for telling your ds going forward?

Hi mammy she hasn’t put it to me like that, and she knows I’m not going to be inflicting any sort of bitterness or blame through our son, we have a good co parenting arrangement in that regard already. It’s just a straightforward, dishonest attempt at offloading her guilt I’d say.

Well if that's the case I'd be very direct with her, and say no we can't agree on that, but if you wish to think like that it's up to you.
H has said to me, it's me that's splitting the family up and I counteract with it's your behaviour that has caused this, I never wanted this to happen but for myself and our children's future happiness I have to end our marriage so yes it's me making the decision but it's you that has caused it.

Thanks for your thoughts mammy. Everyone’s situation is different here but in your case I can see every reason why his behaviour would lead you to your decision. I honestly believe I was a loyal, loving and respectful partner and would have tried any number of things to give it a chance. She shut all those doors and simply gave up, so it’s hard for me to accept it all as somehow my decision too.

lonely from what I've read from what you've posted here I would think that you have been, and wanted to keep your little family together.

Sorry to hear that some of us l are struggling. I guess we will all go through the why and what if's. Stage. Also as they seem to move forward so quickly and easily. Whilst we are all still trying to stand up right on our own two feet. And do all the other stuff we do and support the children single handedly.

Crab. I am sorry that you got the result you did. You can be reassured that you did everything you could to offer an opportunity to rebuild. And that has been refused. So hold your head up high. You couldn't do anymore.

I think they want us to take some blame to ease their guilt. And as they move further away they can say this is what we both wanted. And in IB words. It is for the best for everyone.

My eldest is really struggling this week. He just can't come to terms with how sad he feels and the loss he has had. I try to reassure him and say we will adjust and soon feel ok about things and come to terms with it. He just tells me he doesn't think he ever will. I said that his dad misses him and loves him and will always welcome him at the flat and it should feel like a good place to be. He told me it isn't and he feels awkward and uncomfortable there because Dad is always touching ow. And was trying to take pictures of her boobs when they were sat watching a film. What do I say to that. The children are already so vulnerable and adjusting to all this. He has them four days a month. He should be doing everything he can to welcome them and reassure them. And have the rest of the month to do whatever they want. I know He will never change.

Not a lot you can say to that eve. The one positive is that your ds can at least talk to you and tell you how he feels. You are a strong, good person and you will be his rock over the coming years. You’re right that you will all get used to things hard as it often seems. You can’t control what your ex is doing and it’s up to him alone to make sure he shows your son the love he should. You are doing your very best and that’s all you can do.

Don’t be sorry that I got the result that I did; I’m not. We have indeed all come a long way on this seemingly never ending journey and although I’ve felt a touch of sadness today it hasn’t been overwhelming like it would have been just a few weeks ago. Have sent my final response today saying that as she hasn’t ever been willing to make any effort I really can’t see why she’s emailing me about it all in the first place, and urged her to believe whatever makes her feel better about herself with regard to why we split up. I’ll be believing the truth but what she believes is her business now. Said I’ll be polite to her and that’s all I expect from her now, and that looking back to what we had doesn’t make me feel sad anymore (like she said it does for her), it actually just makes me feel a bit stupid.

Sorry having to post and run but just wanted to say well done Crab for the way you’ve handled this - it seems like you are really seeing her for who she is now compared to who you thought she was and although this doesn’t make it hurt less, it helps in the long run to realise why it is better to be apart with your eyes wide open than being together with your head in the sand.

She certainly doesn’t deserve you that’s for sure. Karma can be a b*tch and I am 100% sure she will find that out sooner rather than later!

Hugs all xx

Sorry also wanted to add eve that the way your ex behaves makes me cringe. He sounds like he’s acting like a hormonal teenage boy! But like Crab says, it’s good that your eldest can talk to you honestly about what happens when he’s round there and as he gets older then I’m sure he will only find it more difficult to accept - something that your ex should realise as he will be the one that misses out on time with his children just because he can’t stop behaving like a creep!

Sorry that’s possibly a bit harsh but that’s the way he seems to come across - not how he should be behaving around his kids.

Hugs xx