Feeling sad....but will get there!

[Moocow72]

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

I get ya

Hey everyone

Finding this weekend without the kids hard. Ex kicked off yesterday about wanting to see the kids earlier so I let him pick them up after lunch. Agreed would have them back by 5. Just texted to say he won’t have them back until 6. Which means at least 6.30. Needed to homework with the eldest.

I don’t know - it makes me feel so angry him messing me around like this. Am I being unreasonable though? He is missing his time next weekend as away. Not doing bath and bed his night and will no doubt want to switch that as well.

I don’t know how to deal with this. Does anyone have any advice?

I love. I do feel for you. I would like agreed times and days adhered too. And if he misses out because of 'work' that is tough. Although realise I am being rather mean spirited

Although as yet I have not had the we are running late message. There isn't anything that can be done. Although I would respond with that can't be helped this time but in future I need to know as I get four days a month I am not responsible for the children and like to make the most of the free time I have and not cut short my plans unnecessarily.

I feel strongly that the Sunday routine is not messed about with. Time is needed to prepare for school. And to unwind. So wouldn't want that pushed back any later than six for me.

Hope you can find away of addressing things with ex

Thanks for replying eve.

I agree I’m quite strict about the back to school evening routine.

Sent a text message saying not ok, agreed a time, needs to stick to it or this won’t work. Will now try not to say anything when they do get back. He has always been like this so won’t change. I think that is why it presses my buttons.

Why can’t they just behave like decent human beings?

Hi crumps

In my opinion when it’s a school night and you have a routine then it’s not unreasonable for you to insist that he sticks to the time (unless there’s an emergency or something unplanned).

Because otherwise the time will just keep shifting back and it’s you that has to then get them sorted etc and bed and then deal with the fallout the next day if they’re overtired due to going to bed late.

Xx

They still aren’t back yet. Bedtime on a school night is 7 - 7.15. He hasn’t even bothered to update me.

I really am trying not to get stressed, but this is what he always used to do when we were married and I find the conplete lack of respect really difficult. Plus the knowledge that what can I actually do? He will be able to bring them back when he likes whenever he has them.

That is really annoying crumps - and a complete lack of respect to keep you updated on why they’re delayed.

I’m not sure I can offer any solution - as like you say he knows that you are limited in what you can do about it. Making things official with agreed pick up/drop off times with a solicitor could be an option but I guess it may then cause more problems as sometimes making things official can raise other issues.

He really should know better on a school night though.

Hugs and deep breaths xx

I would maybe approach it by saying non school night there can be some flexibility. But school nights no later than xxx. Hope you can address it with him. Although if he is anything like my ex it will just go on one ear and out the other. They don't have to deal with the fall out.

Thanks both. They finally got here at 7.20. Managed to get the kids to bed.

Eve - maybe that is a good idea. But you are right the problem is whatever I say it makes no difference to his behaviour.

Moo - yes I’m nervous about formalising things and tbh unless it was court ordered he would just ignore it.

It’s the fact he also ignored my calls. It was also a tense handover as I basically told the kids to say goodnight then shut the door on him. Which upset my eldest. Another reason I need to learn to deal with it better. Part of the issue is it triggers my anxiety so I can tell my reaction isn’t conpletely rational but by that point I feel so stressed

Just chiming in crumps to say yes, some flexibility is ok like eve says, but kept in context and probably not at the end of a long weekend. If things are always on that sort of basis, it’s not fair on you or your dcs.

Thanks all - it’s helpful for me to see that I should allow some flexibility.

I think this is the thing - if he updated me in advance when going to be late and was generally on time I would be more relaxed about it. But he isn’t late because of something happening - he is late because he wants to do whatever it is he is doing and doesn’t really care about me or my plans or actually the kids as he will be late for them as well. He has always been like this.

Ilove no advice really just want to give support. I give advice then don't stick to it myself when I get angry at what he's said or done . The best thing to do , but not practical is to not say anything , then there's no conflict and he won't feel like he has the upper hand , but children need regular bedtime . Sorry no help really but hugs and support X

Thanks Winter

I was actually just thinking that myself and I wish I’d been able to just ignore it. I need to learn to pick my battles - otherwise I will end up becoming bitter and exhausted and it won’t be good for the kids.

It’s so hard working my way through all this, trying to figure out how and where to draw boundaries. What to stand my ground with and what to let go of.

I can see (now!) this is one I needed to let go - and thanks everyone for telling me so gently😊 I really do appreciate all the support on here, particularly at these times when I lose perspective.

Still tomorrow is another day!

Yes. Sometimes no response is the best response.
Ex text dc asking about seeing them this week. Dc said can I see Dad Sunday. Said he had plans that day. So dc text Mum said no.

Ex text me. So can't see dc? Replied not Sunday. We ha e plans but free thurs pm. All fine.

This is where I went wrong. The. Said please don't send messages via dc. It gives wrong message to them.

Omg. It all came out then. I need to take long hard look at myself and need to grow up and get over this and move on. Blah blah blah.

I am not sure what buttons I pushed. Would like to think all is not well in Happy land. But not my concern.

Do wish these things didn't come up. Just want to text about kids and nothing else.

Another day another battle. 😪

Morning all and sorry to hear you’re in the same boat eve. It seems this sort of thing, along with crumps, could just be sorted by having a schedule arranged and then sticking to it. Everyone including the dcs know where they stand. If only it was so simple.

Have been thrown a curveball from the ex. Possibly the biggest curveball of my life. She says her anger has suddenly gone and she has seen things in a different light.

She thinks Ive been depressed, and because of that am unwilling to go and find a new career. Is looking at me with sympathy rather than angry judgement now. She thinks the lack of success from my business has made me depressed and that with help I can move forward.

Now part of this is true; I was depressed- I was an alcoholic, although just in the evenings and to the outsider they wouldn’t have known. Functioning alcoholic I think it’s called. That was making me depressed, as well as affecting my general health. This I have stopped now and although I drink two nights a week, I’m used to going without now and am well within the weekly guidelines. But not being complacent as it’s a serious disease.

I wasn’t depressed because my business is so shit though. I’m quite pleased with it in a lot of ways, and it’s really busy now. And I’m not gonna just change career as I know that will probably be quite hard and less money.

So I’m. composing my reply but haven’t sent it. Have been through so much pain, so has my son, and was just starting to put it all behind me. She says she genuinely regrets not taking up my suggestion of counselling now, and doesn’t know what’s for the best anymore.

I’m torn over this. I really can’t put my son through this a second time. Feel like the wound that has been healing these last few months has been torn open🙁

Hi crabs

Wow - what a curveball indeed ! It’s quite scary how she can suddenly announce her change of heart like that after being so certain it was over.

I think this is one of those things you just need to think about and decide where you want to go in the future. Personally for me, if ex came up with a similar announcement I am pretty sure I would struggle to be able to repair the relationship as too much has happened and I would be too resentful of what he had done originally to be able to plan any sort of future with him.

But that’s just me, every situation is different and sometimes relationships can be repaired and can go on to be stronger than they were before.

But all I would say is you need to be 100% certain that this is what you want and that you can trust her to be totally committed to making things right, rather than get into a situation where she changes her mind in a few years time again.

It also sounds a lot like she is deciding what your issues are and where the problems lie.
Of course she may be right but obviously your opinion and view on the way she behaved in the relationship count as well,
So never let yourself feel like all the issues were yours and that now she’s decided to look upon the situation sympathetically that it means that you should immediately accept it and take her back.

Hugs and hope that you can get your head around it all !

X

Thanks for the advice moo, means a lot. Hug back x

Oh crab. What a difficult situation to be in. I can't find anything to add that moo hasn't already said. Just take your time and don't rush a response.

If she thought those things though why did she not try to support and help you through?

I hope you find away through.

Hi crab

That is such a difficult decision to have to make - I can imagine you must feel like the world has turned upside down again.

One thing to maybe think about is whether your wife is willing to work through your issues at counselling. My counsellor said to me that after a split even if couples get back together it has to be a new relationship - because the old one was broken by the split. Also that it takes a lot of hard work to come back together - it can be done, but it is a difficult journey ( but potentially a worthwhile one).

As both eve and moo have said take your time and feel confident in making whatever decision you do - I think you are completely right that you need to be sure you won’t be back in the same place again. Not just for your DS but for you too.

Thinking of you xxx

Hi crab

Just thinking about you and hope things aren’t too tough at the moment.

Same goes for the rest of us - for some reason I keep having dreams this past week that me and ex are back together. Find it quite upsetting when I wake up confused about whether it’s true or not.

Have also just noticed that ex still has this ability to get sympathy out of me. When he was ill recently (nothing serious) he kept telling me about how bad he felt etc and I ended up feeling sorry for him. And the past week he has had a lot on with work and had to cancel youngest visit on Wednesday - yet when he told me about it he said he had to cancel as he was so busy with work and was too tired as he “hadn’t slept much for two nights” - maybe I’m just being petty but why tell me that - he could just say he has a lot on ? And I ended up feeling sorry for him and almost messaged to say hope things would improve soon and he’d get more sleep.

Why do i feel I should do that ?!!! Luckily I didn’t but when I was ill recently and struggled for a few days (as well as having two kids full time, work and daily routine with house/dog etc) I didn’t even mention it to him !

xx

Hi moo thanks for your thoughts. I’m actually feeling not bad, although my brain is now in overdrive trying to work it all out.

I’m relieved in the sense that at least she is coming across as human now. There was so much rage and spite towards me (for what?) before, and the thought of having to co parent with that sort of person was pretty bloody scary. And I’m happy in a way that she has now started having regrets; it’s not right, but knowing this has hurt her too has made me feel better; I’m not the only one she had hurt- she’s hurt herself too.

But I’m really pessimistic that it can come back from here. She will need to make some big changes, learn to accept who I am, actually care about how I feel in the first place, and stop trying to control me to such a degree. I feel like I had become her puppet. It’s a huge change, and I don’t think she can do it tbh. If she can’t make those changes, I will continue to be miserable with her and there’s no point.

I have the same thing moo re still wanting to be nice. In my draft reply I did start with- “now your anger has faded I feel like we can have a conversation” but then I thought: you’ve been truly awful to me as a person, you’ve smashed up our future and you’ve broken both mine and our dcs heart for no good reason. Should I even want a conversation four months down the line now you’ve calmed down a bit? House is on the market as I type, our future that I slaved over, up in smoke for what?

Will get a response off after the weekend. At any point, an offer may come in on the house, and my gut feeling is: sell it and go our separate ways. So I need to take my time, but also be mindful that if we can be saved, time is almost up. Hugs all

Hi lonely - I think if your gut is telling you that then go with it. In some ways it is the harder choice to make ( the unknown rather than the known) so your instinct against it must be quite strong?

Moo - I’m the same feeling sorry for the ex. Even though he goes home to his girlfriend! I think it must be so deeply ingrained somehow - however I’m also aware it probably isn’t a good thing when you get to the actual divorce.

Am feeling quite down today. Ex is away so I have the kids all weekend. Everyone I know is busy with family weekends away etc. I’ve just realised I won’t talk to another adult ( beyond a shop assistant) until Monday. Makes me realise I ah e to somehow try and build a new network that includes some other single parents but no idea how.

Hi crab - sounds like your instinct is trying to tell you something and like crumps says, to not pursue another relationship with her is by far the hardest choice to make so must mean that your self protection mechanism is kicking in.

Well done on not responding yet and givIng it some more time to think the reply through. Ex will probably have been expecting you to reply quite quickly and by not you’re proving to yourself (and her) how far you’ve come on this journey since she told you she wanted to end it.

Crumps - hope you manage to have a good weekend. I must admit the thought of not speaking to an adult all weekend sounds heaven to me ! . But I know that in itself is not a good sign for the future unless I want to end up a lonely old woman ! I have been feeling lately I need to get out my comfort zone a bit and start doing different things rather than just plod along. Once the next few weeks are out of the way I know I need to do this.

Hope we all have something nice to look forward to this weekend xx

Ha moo - without the kids I’d be looking forward to it. Weirdly when I’m with the kids it often feels more lonely.

I feel a bit like I’m in limbo at the moment which I hate - and that I need to start trying to build some sort of new life. But then the thought of that seems exhausting so I just trundle on instead. I really need to shake myself out of this rut - I’ve been feeling low for a while now, not the intense emotions I had at the start but just a general feeling of uneasiness. Even, oddly, about how there is only me now - for finances, decisions etc. I’d like to say I find this liberating but tbh more often it just feels sad and a bit overwhelming.

Realised it will be 6 months at the end of this mi th since ex said he wanted to separate. Feels like in some ways I’ve moved on a lot and in others not at all. And that there is a long way to go!

Oh yes and fed back to ex on my meeting at school ( which he missed). Seemed a surprise to him eldests behaviour might be caused by the split . Got the reply back ‘is there anything we could do to manage things better for him’. Oh how I wanted to respond about not spending all the time with OW etc etc. But I didnt