Feeling sad....but will get there!

[Moocow72]

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

No crumps not insensitive at all. You’re handling your situation amazingly well and hearing your kids gush about ow must be very hard.

I personally think parading a new relationship under their noses is the wrong thing to do. Maybe with his living arrangements there is no choice, but I think a good amount of time should be left before new partners are introduced to dc’s, to let the dust settle and for them to readjust to the massive change. I would leave it years, but maybe that’s just me and not always realistic.

On the train to do couple of long days work. Hope that takes my mind off things. Have been feeling extremely low last 48 hours and not sure I can actually function if it gets much worse. It’s tricky because work is one of the things that lifts me so it’s vital I don’t have sign off sick. Sorry to moan and hugs all

Lonely. Hope the cloud soon lifts and you see some sunshine. Sure the weekend with ds will rejuvenate you.

I love it is the happy families that have happen oh so quickly. And we have been replaced. I know this is how ds sees it. Ex can't get his head around why we aren't all happy now. And that the children aren't over the moon to be spending time with him and ow.

Ex has taken ds out this evening for a chat. So now on tender hocks. Worried things that I have said get confused and come out wrong. But I haven't said anything to ds I wouldn't say to ex. Hopefully he has smoothed the waters and reassured him. But it is all just words. The children need to see action. So a case of watching and seeing.
Bring on the bank holiday weekend and some sunshine.

Hi all

Crumps - you are doing so well with regards to ex and ow. It must be so hard hearing what the kids are telling you about her. And I agree with crabs, I think it is foolish of ex to just start playing happy families so soon and not give it a period of at least a few months before he introduced ow. His kids should be his priority. But from what you say he sounds very immature and he won’t be looking at the bigger picture, just how he feels right now - but again, all about him - not what’s best for the kids.

Crabs - have you considered maybe seeing the doctor for some medicinal help ? (Ie anti-d’s ?). It’s just with you saying that you are struggling to function you may find that they help you with that (they certainly did for me many years ago when i first went on them). And what i found is because they helped take “the edge” off things that it helped me handle everything else. Of course they’re no magic cure, but if you can go to work each day, keep earning money and having that social interaction and distraction of work then I found it helped me with the other things that the anti-depressants can’t magically fix. Just a thought - probably some medication and counselling together could also be beneficial.

I just want to get all cheesy here and say how fantastic we’re all doing. It feels like forever since me and ex separated, yet at the same time it feels like yesterday. But, we all keep going - one day at a time and take whatever sh*t is thrown at us.

Hugs xxx

Hi everyone

Eve - your bit about ex not getting his head around why we aren’t all happy made me smile as that is exactly it with my ex too! It’s the replacement of me that I think my eldest ( and he is only just 6) is also uncomfortable with.

Moo - hope things are good with you. Yes it still feels so raw and recent and yet at the same time like a lifetime ago since I was still with ex. Sometimes I almost can’t imagine/remember fully how it felt to be married to him.

I think what makes it difficult is that everything still seems uncertain - so I know what I haven’t got anymore, but don’t know where I will end up yet. And that is daunting both practically and emotionally. Living with the uncertainty can be very draining, it’s as if I have no stability in my life anymore. I guess that is a bit what it much be like for the kids as well.

I’m in a low at the moment that I just can’t shake - probably tired from work not helping. I cried today though which I haven’t done in ages - I still find it difficult that my ex has just moved on with no apparent sadness at all. It makes it feel as if our relationship and me meant nothing and I am literally replaceable. It’s hard to move past that sometimes.

It’s also my wedding anniversary today and he is coming to do bath and bed with the kids. I just don’t want to have to see him today - not even for the handover.

crumpets sorry to hear you're sad today, only natural on your wedding anniversary. Do you go out or stay in when he does bath and bed with dc?

H always came and went as he pleased to his ex wife's house after they split to see dc. I know he had youngest ds from Fri after work until Sat eve before work but I'd say this is about it until she passed away and he had full parental responsibility once more. I don't want him coming and going as he pleases to my house to see dc, I want it to be structured. Always interested to hear what others do and what works for them.

I love. Hope you found some peace today. I imagine it made it all the more real. I had the day we met a few weeks ago. It would of been 14 years. On that particular day he was in full knob mode. So made it easier. This time next year we won't recognise ourselves.

I have got to a point that I try not to look at what I have lost but more on the positive. I woke up to the bed all to myself ( which is a rarity as usually get one or the other dc with me). And thought how great it was. So maybe turning a corner.

We have had words today. Clearly he had rough day at work and need to vent somewhere. I think the issue was that it wasn't all about me. Ds is obliged to see him and should not be given a choice 😱 and I need to grow up.

Assembly tomorrow will be fun!

Mammy sorry meant to say we started a more flexible approach. But I felt like I never got any peace so quick stopped
Him having contact here and more structured routine. It is better for the children and me. And I hope for ex too so that he can organise himself but that is the least of my concerns.

Hi mammy and eve

I also started off more flexible but am trying to put in place boundaries and structure now - not just for me but also for the kids.i think they need to know when he is coming and when leaving. Ex doesn’t seem to like this though and then always pushes them when he is here. Also it is part of accepting we are actually separated - and that that has consequences.

On bath and bed he still does it here but I try to be out - so will work late. Having said that if it doesn’t suit me I will come back. Ideally though I am aiming to have much shorter cross over times. Ex however still behaves as if he lives here ( I just noticed he has altered the heating time again so it isn’t on!) and it is fairly impossible to hurry him. If I could afford to I would move out and buy somewhere for myself ASAP but sadly I can’t.

Just got back and the kids were screaming and hadn’t gone to sleep ( he was doing bed) and had him at his worst - trying to order me around standing in the door aggressively telling me what to do ( I had taken over when I came in as they heard me). Had to keep asking him to leave. Wasnawful and my eldest became hysterical ( although also over tired) In a way it was good though as him at his worst is a nice reminder of who I actually married! He also sent me a text claiming he is away with work so can’t do any of his childcare next week - he knows I have things planned and that the plans involve others who have arranged childcare etc. Am suspicious it isn’t actually work but a holiday with his girlfriend given the timing and destination.

Eve meant to say I really liked your ‘this time next year we won’t recognise purselves’ I hope so much that is true. Thinking about it that is a bit how I feel nowmlooking back at the me in the marriage.

I think H has accepted our separation some bit more he's going to an event we had tickets for tonight, not sure if he's taking someone or not but he's not the type to go to something alone, would love if it was close enough for someone to spy for me

Also offered to purchase something else for me with tickets he had got me which were refunded to his card when concert was postponed, new date doesn't suit. I declined.

Crumps I would be irritated by him changing heating times

Thanks for advice, glad to see the structured approach is better for dc. It will be better for me too, possibly not for H but I'm not concerned about that.

Mammy - I think re structured that’s exactly it, seems better for the kids and you but not for ex. For me it’s also part of him accepting that divorcing doesn’t just mean he gets a lovely new life with g/f and can swan in and out as/when he pleases ( I know it is different situation for you). I think maybe later down the line more flexibility could work, but at the beginning the separation needs to be made real for everyone.

Having said that I do still agree to him swooping evenings if he has work as it feels otherwise the kids would miss out. But I’m trying to get to the point where he doesn’t just assume he can.

Afternoon all. I love funny you say that. Ex keep telling me it is work commitments that means he has to change things. ( even on a Sunday morning). I think not. I just said I could not change my commitment and he needs to collect the children at 8.30 as agreed. Think he was hoping for a late night and a lie in this weekend.

Well assembly went as expected. We completely ignored each other. He circled all the sits then sat next to me. He didn't even look at me. That suited me. I have nothing to say.

Hopefully everyone has a nice weekend planned and you get to do something nice in the sunshine.

Eve - I had a very similar assembly last week!

My eldest is really struggling at the moment - he is being naughty at home alternating with crying hysterically and he is getting in trouble at school so I have to go in for a meeting . I feel like I just don’t know how to help him, he has always been a tricky boy to connect with. I’m worried for him and also about getting a reputation at school/losing his friends.

I love. Sorry to hear your little boy is struggling. Please don't worry about him getting a reputation. He is dealing with some life changing stuff. And it is going to take time for things to settle. I am sure School just want to offer support. My eldest has elsa support in place and now has some play therapy sessions. Hopefully they will be able to offer your son something similar to help his get his thoughts in order.

Evening all I would appreciate your thoughts on a few things. I don't want to come across as petty but I'm not happy about a few things after children's first over night.
Dc 1 got campbed. Dc2 slept on blankets on the floor. They both said they were cold.

They have eaten and drunk complete rubbish. I think I am on a hiding to nothing on this one

Didn't brush their teeth

Didn't administer inhalers am/pm.

As I say I don't want to be told I am being controlling and petty. So thinking I'll see how it goes but I'm not happy about these things.

Hi eve

For what it’s worth

Sleeping arrangements - not ideal, especially if they said they were cold so should be addressed

Diet - probably have to accept this one, and as it’s infrequent then shouldn’t be an issue for their health long term

Teeth/inhalers - Red flags for me for both of these. Teeth because if they think they don’t need to do it when they’re at exes then inevitably they will try it on with you - resulting in issues with their teeth as they grow. Inhalers massive red flag as health-wise there should be no compromise at all in my opinion and if he cannot guarantee he will administer them, then for me he can’t be trusted to have them overnight etc.

xx

Hi eve

I’d agree with Moo - but maybe concentrate on the inhalers and the teeth and just mention that? It may be more effective/get listened to.

Sleeping isn’t great, but not terrible ( not saying I would like it in any way but might be one to wait and see about. Or try and buy an inexpensive blow up bed? I bought s few things for the kids to have at my exes, I know I didn’t have to but just wanted them to feel comfortable there. Although again can be seen as controlling!). Diet - it’s hard but I guess you have to let it go.

It’s really hard having to let go of these things and trust ex. I worry about my ex with the kids because he doesn’t watch them properly. I dread the thought of him going somewhere like the beach with them. It’s hard x

Thank you for taking the time to reply. He is not going to take kindly to me mentioning these things. So next pick will remind him the inhalers are in the bag. Also kids can take some responsibility. But do need reminding.

I love I share your pain. Ex has organised a bbq in a park tomorrow with friends. So basically a piss up and a free for all for the kids. I know I have to let him parent his way. But they will just be wondering about for hours. Bored and burnt. And given fucking coke like they were today. I will give them hats ( which won't come back). And sun cream them before they go. I can't do much else.

I do think that if he keeps doing these sorts of things the children will see that they are not a priority to him and will not want to go. I am trying not to over think things but I know full well how he operates.

Just have to see how it goes.

Crumps & eve

Just want to say how well I think you’re both doing. Makes me realise that things are so much more complicated when you have younger children - especially when the ex doesn’t seem to be helping matters by not taking their responsibilities seriously - it seems to me they’re content with the “fun dad” part but less keen on some of the responsibilities that come with that. But of course they’re not all like that, as crabs has proved to us that he takes his role and responsibilities very seriously - it does sound like your two exes are quite immature so maybe that just reflects on how they will co-parent.

Sorry to hear your eldest is struggling crumps but you’ve done everything right - the school know what he’s going through so will be able to support him appropriately and get him through it - they will understand that the upheaval will make him behave out of character and make allowances.

It’s tough on the kids, even mine being 16 and 11. My eldest has just told me that two of his mates parents are also separating at the moment so i think it’s helped that they can talk to each other about it. He says none of them really understand why their parents would separate after all this time but I said to him that even though it sounded a bit patronising he would probably understand as he got older but that sometimes people change and realise that they don’t have the same ideas about where their lives are going and it’s better to separate than to argue and make each other unhappy. He did agree with that as he said one of his mates parents argue all the time and it makes him really unhappy hearing it. As much as I do believe what I told him, I still find it hard to say as there is no way I would have initiated the separation so close to the eldests exams so i still can’t forgive ex for putting his own happiness above everything else. But at the same time, I can’t imagine going back to being with him and all the tension and unhappiness that caused me and me and the kids seem to be doing ok so perhaps it’s all for the best that it happened when it did.

I worry about my youngest though as he seems to have taken it all in his stride (he’s generally quite a mature and thoughtful lad) but I do worry he may keep some things to himself rather than risk upsetting me. I am very lucky that both of them have handled it the way they have.

It’s a lovely day so hope we all enjoy it - I’ve been full of a horrible cold and cough for the last few days but feel a bit better today so hoping to enjoy the nice weather rather than being huddled up on the couch shivering!

Take care all xx

Morning all hope you all have the sunshine wherever you are. Stunning here.

Am on a predictable high, with it being my eow with an extra day for bank holiday. Happy times. My ds says he really loves coming to stay here, I am living at my parents now on the south coast as my short term sofa crashing places have kind of expired. So here until our house is sold, but that suits my son fine.

It’s really such a huge swing in how I’m feeling. Crashing lows of feeling lost and direction-less when he’s not here, to feeling like everything will work out fine when I have him. Will see how counselling goes and then decide about meds.

I think the email exchange with my ex has a lot to do with these recent lows, it’s like coming out of nc to state my feelings to her has knocked me back some way. She phoned the other day in quite a state, clearly apprehensive about this weekend and her time away from our ds. She wanted me concede that us splitting up was not just her decision. But it was, entirely. I had begged, pleaded, suggested trial separation counselling etc but she just refused everything, and a week after she dropped the bombshell our house was already on the market.

It seems the reality is sinking in now, and it maybe sometime until house is sold. Market is completely flatline at the moment according to agent. I have told her that she will need to work out what is happening with ds’s school placement as she is the one moving away- this is her mess and shouldn’t expect everything to just slit neatly into place when you make such huge changes.

She text the other day saying she needs “a shift in my attitude” away from this is her fault and responsibility. Have decided to ignore and not respond. It was her choice to split out family up, and I can’t see how I can be responsible for something I have no control in anymore- where she moves to and when.

I want a new chapter to start for me and ex. Amicable co parenting without the bile and attitude from the past. When she stops sending offensive emails full of nonsense conjecture and steps up to that task, I’m all ears.

Hi all. Lovely weather. It's days like this that make you want someone to share a walk/ trip to the pub with. A couple of people have mentioned feeling low. I wonder if when we get to this many months it's more of a constant numbness, I've felt low for a while. Not tearful ( only on occasion) but like I'm drained and unable to summon a smile because it takes too much energy. But at the same time still maintaining a front. Plus the pressure of having to find somewhere to live like you have said I love , it's totally draining and all consuming, I have felt as if I'm getting better, but recently it has been this constant drain.Also does anyone else feel guilty? He's had the affair . But I feel guilty - I'm thinking of times when I've perhaps not paid him much attention or been short with him etc and think he's had a affair because of us drifting apart( I didn't know we were!!) and I have to keep telling myself that he chose to have an affair, he could have said no. I know it's not rational but it keeps whirring in my head. Is it because now that we are all much further on its another new realisation it's not going to change. Also ilove, that thought all the time that he's moved on and in a happy place and we are all playing catch up . It's a killer. Well at least we've got an extra day tomorrow so let's try to enjoy X

Hi winter
I've done both those things like weekend, went to pub with a few friends last night & enjoyed a lovely 5k walk by the canal this afternoon alone before doing the shopping. Dc are gone off with H but I guess I'm in a different place because there's been no affair and I initiated the split.
I felt like you do now within my marriage as dh never wanted to go for a walk on beach or go to pub for a natter and one or two drinks. He was always doing 'Jobs' and put them before me and dc.

Hi Mammy, yes I go with friends and that's great but it's the fact you've been left on your own. I'll get used to it eventually but its not the same. I think it's kissing the person fe once was X

Missing not kissing!