Feeling sad....but will get there!

[Moocow72]

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

Morning everyone - hope we all still have this lovely sunshine! Been such a boost to receive a little taste of summer.

I spoke to my counsellor about DS - was helpful to talk it through and he also made the good point that DS does need to keep going to ex’s flat, I need to help him through it but we can’t go backwards.

Anyway raised with ex this morning - it went ok although he never really engages ( despite my efforts) just listens to me and says yes. I suspect he will just ignore, particularly as he suggested immediately after that the kids stay at his on Sunday night. I did say no to that as genuinely don’t think good for them - would take over an hour to get to school in the morning. Suggested instead move to Friday night at his one week, Saturday night at his the next weekend.

I feel atm I don’t trust myself to make the right approach re ex. He was being all chatty and friendly this morning - I find this so difficult to handle as it makes me feel unreasonable if I don’t respond. And am I then just making things difficult unnecessarily and because I think I should? Also felt sad as we went somewhere yesterday where we used it have genuinely nice times as a family. Plus we were dividing holiday cover and I just keep thinking that this was all I ever wanted when we were married - why can he do it now but wouldn’t then.

mammy that is a really difficult decision. I need to have a similar chat with my ex about the future ( complicated by the fact neither of us could buy anything very big in this area). The only thing I would say is - as you've recognised - would your ex become resentful? Also I’m already finding it hard as he feels he still has ownership of the house, so I don’t feel like I can really do stuff with it for myself. My hunch is it does make it harder to move on, and you need pretty clear rules. I know I feel like it’s almost not fully moving on? Having said that as my counsellor pointed out to me, if you have DC the reality is you can’t get a clean break so you just have to work out what level of contact can work for you.

crab hope you have a lovely day today! eve also hope you had fun last night and have enjoyed a lie in this morning.

Another week - fingers crossed it’s a good one for everyone x

I've always said I'm willing to listen to any reasonable suggestions so I will do that when we have this talk and also in mediation but I want clear explanation for how it will work not a try it and see situation because I don't want to be back at square one again in 6/12/24 months.

Today for first time my df clearly knew H was fabricating a story he was telling him, because it was about the industry my father is in so he has knowledge of the topic. H told a version of events that I've never heard before and it was about something that happened a number of years ago complete fiction.

We had dds birthday party, it went really well and she had a great day.
H is on nights this week so we won't have much interaction

Thanks crab haven't met my niece yet but hopefully this week
Dc are 8 & 4.
Unique situation I suppose H owns his mothers house next door which has a granny flat too. His dd & her dh & ds live in house rent free. I think it's time that changed. Then he could have house to live in & dc could overnight with him. Then if he wanted we could do shared bills of both houses until this mortgage is paid off and sell this house after. Still leaves problem of living next door to each other.

Eve I also reported to mnhq

Crumpets definitely hear you on the being reasonable regarding dc holiday cover and activities, prior to my saying I wanted a separation H didn't even know what evenings dc had activities

Evening all. Well first weekend without the kids done and dusted. It's shit. I hate it but this is the way it is now.

Mammy. Hope you can come to some sort of compromise. I think as you already said he might become resentful paying for the house. Also if you are having to spend every penny on bills life is going to be a struggle for you.

I love. Yes I have started having normal conversations with ex recently. Like nothing ever happened and I have to remind myself the damage that he has done and how upset my children are because of his decision. At some point I need to stop being angry though. it is a waste of energy. But I don't want him to think this is ok. Because I will never be ok with this decision. I just want a routine established. And keep minimal contact about the children.

He asked about dc birthday and if he was going to get invite to the party. He wasn't happy that I hadn't told him the details even though it is weeks away. I didn't want him there but I have actually got to a point that I don't actually give a shit about him. So that is a step in the right direction. But he is still mad at me. So where we are at now suits me.

Anyway kids had lovely weekend. So that's good and both came back really calm so that is a first. I think because they actually had whole weekend instead of few hours they felt more relaxed. Will see what the next one brings as they will now be going to the flat. Hopefully goes smoothly.

Crab hope you had a fab weekend with ds. And the next one comes round quickly for you. Your situation puts things into prospective for me. You are in my thoughts.

To everyone else. Another week done. This thread has been such a life line to me these past few months. I can't thank you enough for sharing your own experience and being supportive. I was going to post that Saturday night. But I had a few too many but you were all in my thoughts. Cheering me on to enjoy myself.

Glad you had a good time eve, we all deserve some downtime from the stress of reality . You have to have normal conversations with the bs . I feel it's so surreal talking to them about selling and future in normal reasonable way when actually I have a whole monologue in my head screaming and ranting at him . It's not easy to forget all the crap he's put me through and the lies he's told. And I agree Eve, I don't want him to think it's all ok, but I'm fed up with it now and the sooner it's all sorted the better. X X have a good week everyone X

Evening all and yes winter, it’s really hard to keep things neutral and calm when you’re talking to them. I tried to use crumps’ imaginary spikey hedge shield technique the other day at changeover and although it’s been quite effective so far, this time it didn’t work. Yesterday I emailed that we would have to put our house back on the market, in a neutral tone explaining why I would be unable to buy her out. Again I got a barrage of nonsense back, insulting in places, dim witted almost everywhere and really quite angry.

Feel like ignoring it. Have been getting consumed this evening by creating a lengthy response telling her precisely why she is extremely stupid but you know what? I can’t be arsed. I’m not rising to it.

lonely I think it might be therapeutic to create the response but not send it to her, gets it all off your chest and out of your mind.

Well I did end up sending it. I haven’t said anything to her about our separation since it happened really, beyond pointless ones saying I loved her still missed her etc. I have had several angry rant type efforts sent my way now and have not responded up until now. She was insulting to my family and I will not stand for that. My parents have shed many many tears over the obviously precarious path she has foolishly chosen for their first grandson and to have her bullshit thrown in their direction too is a step too far. Will put my no contact crown back on and ignore anything other than childcare discussions from now.

How are you doing mammy? Have you had any more thoughts as to if you are staying put or not?

Hopefully this will put an end to it for you. Did you say you will not be communicating with her unless it's about ds?

I'm ok, there's been no change at all in our house, H is going to bed when I come home from work as he's on nights this week, so our interaction is limited. There'll be no progress now until we talk and have mediation as there can't be.

I'm doing up a budget at the moment for what bills will be when ds goes to school next year as this needs to be done regardless of who lives where.

I feel I need to do something every week to make some shape on this separation. Next conversation with H I will ask him has he told his family or when he plans on telling them.

This shit has got to get real ffs, it's almost 8 weeks since I told him I wanted us to separate but it's been coming for years.

mammy that must be difficult - trying to separate when the other person isn’t really engaging. It must be a very unpleasant feeling of limbo. I hope you have managed to carve out somewhere that is just for you in the house so you can at least escape.

crab hope the letter was cathartic and it allows you to put at least a little of that behind you ( although maybe too soon!). At least it maybe stops it whirling in your head.

The thing I’m finding really difficult at the moment is working out how to see my ex clearly. It’s as if I don’t trust my own judgement of him at all anymore. He has behaved really unpleasantly and yet for some reason I can’t seem to see him for who he is - I even feel sorry for him sometimes. It’s like my brain won’t accept his behaviour may be all there is to him, that there isn’t this really kind person underneath like I’d always believed. And when I do contemplate that maybe he isn’t really very nice, I always then think am I just thinking that because I feel I should because in divorce you are meant to dislike your ex.

I’m not expressing myself very clearly! I think because I am finding this really hard. When we were married people at various points have said he isn’t very principled etc etc. Or he has done things that were very selfish. And I always defended him and tried to explain he was a kind person etc etc. I can’t bring myself to believe that I might have been wrong and all the time he was really showing me who he was. And to be fair he didn’t hide it or pretend - I chose to believe that about him ( partly because for a long time he could be very thoughtful and loving to me).

Sorry I’m rambling. I guess it bothers me because I feel like I need to know to inform how I approach the divorce. And maybe this is also part of accepting the separation

And if he was always like that how did I get it so wrong ( when generally I’m a really good judge of character). And to have spent so much of my life with him.

Hi all, I am new to Mumsnet. I am pregnant with my first baby (10 weeks) baby is planned but sadly my partner has ended the relationship but wants us to try and work at being close to raise the baby together - nothing happened he just fell out of love with me - feeling a little stronger just feel there is now a huge cloud over this pregnancy :( xxxx

Morning all and hi singlemomma, am really sad to hear about your situation. It’s never going to be easy at the best of times but to be carrying a child at the same time must make it harder still. It is at least good that your partner/expartner is being supportive by looking to the future and if he is a mature, decent person then you at least are not left completely alone. If you are going through anything like I was when my relationship split your head will be all over the place. It is especially vital for you that you manage to eat and drink, and rest as normally as possible. The first few days were particularly rough for me and I hope you are doing as ok as can be expected. Your situation is unique on this thread I think and i truly feel for you. There are many here with more wisdom than me, I’m sure you will get some better advice soon but please use this thread to offload your emotions if you feel it can help. There are many good people here. Hugs to you

Morning all. Hope the sun is shinning wherever you are.

Winter. Hopefully once all the official stuff has been agreed you will be in a place that contact can be minimal. And you can take control of it. But I agree I am tired of being angry at him. I just want him to leave me alone. And he has after my rather lengthy e mail of my expectations. Although I am still waiting to hear from his solicitor. A threat made after said lengthy e mail was received. I never want to see the man again
Crab I hope you felt better sending your e mail. Silence is good. Sometime it just has to be said. Especially when it is having an impact on others
Mammy I hope your situation soon changes and he realises you are serious. Have you booked mediation. Would that help to show him you mean business?
I love I understand you. They have done some terrible things to us. And although we knew their characters had flaws we loved them and defended them. My ex I feel clearly has some narc traits. But with all people who aren't very nice. They are very good at covering up and putting up a front
I had to have a long conversation with my eldest last night. He said he doesn't want step parents he doesn't feel right about it. Reassured him that he only has one Mum and Dad and ow and anyone that may come into my life won't replace them. Just another adult who cares about them. I even managed to say nice things about ow. Think I handled it ok. He has struggled so much with this. Ex doesn't see this. He would just be dismissive and vague and ds knows that so won't ask him these sorts of questions.

@singlemommabear Sorry to hear you find yourself on this thread, I hope that ye can co parent well together. Be kind to yourself first and foremost, pregnancy is tough on most women without this kind of emotional upset also.

@eve34 In ireland there's free mediation after an 8 week waiting list. We're almost there, they'll be offering us appointments this week for next month.

When he suggested me staying in the house, he footnoted it with 'sure, you never know how things will go'. I need to express to him in no uncertain terms, there'll be no getting back together. I was keeping the peace in order to get dd's birthday out of the way and to ensure he'd go to mediation but he needs to realise I'm serious about this.

Singlemommabear, make sure you eat, it's hard when you're feeling heartbroken but you really need to. So sorry about the situation you find yourself in.
Eve- well done for saying nice things to Ds about ow that must have been really hard . I don't think I could. When it's all over and he has no hold over me I want to send him a letter telling him exactly what I think of him and list all the ways he has been cruel. Whether I will , I don't know , don't want to give him ammunition to prove ( in his mind) what type of person I am!? ! I would like to put a crimp in his new existence thoughX hopefully karma will visit at some point X have a good nights sleep all X

Hi all - have been having a busy time of it lately and struggled to find time to post.

Hope everything is going ok with everyone.

Crumps - I know what you mean, I am constantly doubting myself regarding the sort of person my ex is. I, like yourself, truly believe he is a decent person and like you pointed out - I still have this habit of when I criticise him about something I always follow it up with a reason why he may be like that based on my failings, rather than his. It’s as if I feel he’s allowed to be like that as it must be my fault.

It’s annoying as hell isnt it ? In a way I envy these people who are 100% sure of their own judgement and stick by it. Although i like to think that being the way we are makes us better people in general and have more empathy than most.

Again like you, ex could be very selfish (and continues to be) and I always defended him by making excuses.

I also realise I must trust my judgement with the kids and not expect to be able to get ex’s opinion on everything. I’ve had some issues with my eldest being ill the last week and I feel part of it is related to exam stress and I got ex involved at 01.30 in the morning as I was really worried about the eldest.

Ex was fine and did respond but in his typically condescending fashion telling me what to do and even ended his message by saying “simples” - as if the advice he gave me was so obvious I should have done it. Yet he wasn’t the one who was in the eldest bedroom with him pouring his heart out about how stressed he was and practically having a panic attack in front of me. Ex just seems to think he can send me loads of stuff to do to fix it and it’s that easy.

So in the end I wished I’d just slept on it. I know I can handle these things, I don’t need to go to him for approval - obviously I need to involve him about major things and tell him what’s going on. Generally his advice is always condescending and overly simple anyway.

I’ve also had issues with ex being very negative about a fantastic opportunity that my eldest may have (football scholarship). Ex referred to it as “kicking a football around” and doing a bit of study. I must admit I lost it and told him in no uncertain terms that it was much more than that - I’d seen how hard eldest works and has worked for over four years and how he’s been out in all weathers training and playing, missing out on lies in and time with his mates to stand on a frozen football pitch. I was very reserved though and didn’t blame him for not seeing all of this (as he rarely ever took him to training or matches) but I just told him he was out of line and that he should be proud of our eldest’s commitment to something that he obviously loves. And that if a scholarship is what he wants to do I would support him.

So I think the lesson learned from this week is trust my own judgement more and not doubt myself based on what ex (or anyone else) says. No doubt I will get things wrong at times but that’s just life.

Hugs xx

Evening all

Moo hope you are ok and eldest ds has been reassured by your support. I am sure he will sail through his exams. A difficult time for you all. It is hard when you have always had someone to bounce your thought off of. Then you are left to make all the decisions. It takes a big adjustment
I have moments when I feel I could point out to ex how he could show more interest in the kids. Like your ex regarding the football. Why wouldn't he be anything but positive about his achievements. But i know he would not take kindly any input from me. And also feel like if I have to point it out to him he can feel the consequences of his action. The children aren't stupid. And will see him for what he is in time.

I have had an up and down week. I get through a few days and feel like I'm doing ok. Then he messages. Asking after kids (has never done that before) and asking how I am? He hasn't uttered a word to me in weeks. So just feel that this has unnerved me. As always trying to be friends to show everyone what a great man he is. I can't make it any clearer. I don't want any contact above the children's arrangements.

Another damp looking weekend. Where is the sunshine gone.

Evening all, hope you are all ok a nice to hear from you moo. I’ve also been doing a lot of questioning about my ex’s character and it’s really hard to actually pin down what I feel. There were/are many traits to her behaviour that I respected and admired but ultimately the key things- love, respect and honesty were missing, at least to me. It’s sad your ex didn’t support your sons passion. And also being condescending is hard to take, not in the middle of the night with your son having a bad time. I’ve got all this to come I fear, things have been ok with my ex re childcare stuff but she has been so aggressive towards me in many ways and I worry that will be the person I’m co parenting with. I’m almost holding my breath for the barrage of nonsense criticism as soon as there’s something out of the ordinary that needs quick contact. I hope not, and that’s the bit we’ll have to see.

I had a really bad few days mid week, a combo of post eow slump, angry ex email and not really knowing where to move to. On Wednesday I was a complete mess but managed to muddle through. Was ok by next day lunchtime but the stress really got to me. Feeling lots better today, had the day off and met a mate for a good chat, so I hope feeling so down was just a one off.Hugs all x

Hello everyone

Had a very busy few days with work so haven’t been able to post.

Hope your DS is Ok Moo. I know exactly what you mean about learning to trust yourself - I think it is particularly hard when you have been with someone who has questioned/criticised for so long. It’s certainly something I struggle with. Hopefully it will increase over time.

Hope everyone has had an OK weekend. My ex has just dropped the children back ( eldest had had to go to a and e which is another story, although at least I guess ex rang me to let me know).

Had to listen to the kids talking about his girlfriend with him there. Made me feel sick tbh. Also told me girlfriend still goes swimming and to the sports club with them as they have managed to find an acquaintance who has put her on his membership. Words fail me. He just doesn’t get it at all - he is still going on my membership. Plus apparently her father also bought them chocolate ?!?

I’m ashamed to say I found it really hard with the kids this evening, going on about how much they missed ex, youngest saying he misses daddy but didn’t miss you mummy, and as girlfriend has now apologised to eldest about the prison thing ( which is something good) he was saying how much he now likes girlfriend. It was so hard to stay positive about ex and also not to respond to my youngest.

Sorry I’m ranting again! I just felt so angry and hurt. There he is getting on with his new great life and here I am struggling to work out where we will live, what childcare I can afford, how to put the kids first. I know it isn’t true and I’m just in a low but it feels like he has everything and I have nothing. And it’s so ** unfair.

I love sorry to hear you are struggling. That must be so hard to hear. And although I try to ensure I am not negative toward ow and him. I know I do not always responded positively either. We are only human. And it fucking sucks that they are so many steps ahead. setting up their new life so easily.
Just try and have some comfort that the man they have taken up with are no prize. And they will soon realise that.
Our time will come. We are just playing catch up.

Thanks eve. And yes you are right. It is how easily they have this new life and how the girlfriend clearly feels she can just sail in as well. And clearly feel no guilt or shame at all, either of them. All whilst think we can be all friendly.

Sometimes I feel like I need a big field just to go and scream in!

Afternoon all. I hope that everyone is doing ok. It is may. Where have the last four months gone?

We have had a bit of an up and Down Week. Eldest child is struggling so much. And came home in bits again yesterday. Saying he doesn't want to see ex. Or see ex with ow. He can't handle it. So had to have that conversation with him. Told him he needs to step up. So watch this space. Nothing so far.

Also have specially assembly for youngest. So will see if he turns up for that later in the week. I don't want to be in the same room as the man. I will of course tolerate it for the children.

I'm ready for a fight if needs be. Although I don't think I will get the opportunity.

I am so mad that the children have been affected so badly. Not just because he left but because he has hardly given them the time of day since then. He has failed them on so many levels. And I am tired of having to make it all ok for him. I am stepping back and letting him handle this On his own now.

Hello all and yes eve, suddenly it’s almost summer. Wind still has a winter chill though. I sometimes feel like I’ve come a long way since January but in other ways feel it’s just the start of a long journey. So many hurdles still.

Really feel for you crumps, seeing your kids so excited about being away must be hard. But I’m guessing they stay mainly with you? In which case it could just be the novelty factor for them, a bit of a holiday sort of. Plus your ex maybe putting on an effort to be super dad so it’s not a very true picture right now. I know when I see my ds every fortnight he is super excited and barely says goodbye to my ex but I dont think that’s because he loves me more and her less, if you follow.

Feeling a bit all over the place emotionally so have made steps to have some counselling sessions. The sadness between my eow’s is difficult for me. Hoping as I get my life back on track a bit this will improve.

Lonely - I hope I didn’t come over as insensitive re my kids and getting excited. I do know ( and remind myself whenever I have these thoughts!) that on balance it isn’t as hard as it having them with me. I can’t imagine how difficult that must be. It isn’t so much that then being excited to see their dad bothers me, I understand that completely, it’s more his girlfriend being there and , I think, them playing happy families, all together with the kids. I find hearing that so hard, and having the kids like the person who my ex cheated on me really difficult- even though my logical head knows it’s better for them. Hope your counselling helps you

Eve - I know where you are coming from about the kids. My eldest is also struggling. It’s so hard to see them like that. All we can do is to try and help them through and hope they too get to a place where this all feels more normal and better? It’s shit though. And so hard to realise not only that ex may not have been a good partner but that they also don’t seem to be a great parent either.