Feeling sad....but will get there!

[Moocow72]

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

Hey everyone

Yes agree re the trying to look like the ‘nice guy’. Think it also because they lack empathy and like to pretend that they have made the ‘right’ choice for everyone. My ex has always been like this - if it is what he wants then any problems are my invention/exaggeration and it will all turn out for the best. He misses out that it is the best ‘for him’.

I texted a brief apology last night too eve. Trying to see it as just words and something to make my life easier ( although slightly disturbed that I am now in effect taking his approach!). Got a semi patronising response back which I just let wash over me. Then he was round tonight being all chatty again. I just keep thinking I need to see the long game here. Although he did mention how he is actively looking for a job so he can have the kids more which worries me - mainly because I don’t want to end up stuck unable to leave here if I can’t make it work financially.

I know it is materialistic but having a bit of a slump about how much poorer I am going to be at the moment. And the challenge of trying to find a new are to live in the city, with schools and where I could ideally get a three bed.

Anyway hope everyone is at least feeling a bit brighter re the sunshine! Have a lovely evening xxx

Not materialistic, you're just being realistic . I'm the same, feel somehow diminished because won't be able to afford as nice a place as this, feel like people will pity me.
Also I love , he's the same - thinks what he's done is the best for us both, yes going off with an OW really benefits me. All a smokescreen for himself. Nice weather helps a bit x☀️

They are all just bastards. And want to be seen as doing the right thing being friendly and supportive. All a front and for show.

I fully expect a wedding and babies in a year or two to show everyone how happy he is now and how he made the right decision. Again. All a front and for show. But the thought of it doesn't upset me so much now as it did. I know him too well and always has be seen to be the big man.

She is welcome to him. His bullying and selfish ways. I hope she can change him and he can be a decent man moving forward. But not my problem anymore.

Long my the sunshine for everyone .

My mum keeps saying to me eve that he will have another child and a new family. She is probably right!

Winter - yes, I think it is also the having to start again when you have worked and got to the nice place to live etc. Also for me the sheer logistics as I’m tied re the kids and finding schools. It feels a bit exhausting the thought of trying to build a new life somewhere where I’m not near anyone I already know ( although admittedly all my close friends here will be moving in the next year or so).

I hope soon seeing the possibilities again comes back! Actually really I just wish I could wave a magic wand and fast forward to the place where at least the practicalties have been sorted! Perhaps that’s the key to feeling more positive, trying to visualise a new life, house, place in a good way.

crab I agree with eve - write down your thoughts to your ex but maybe hold onto it for a while before sending or destroy it rather than send it. You will never get the response from her that you need or want as she isn’t capable of giving it.

Eve, I also expect a wedding and babies, although he says not, (like I believe that) He is a t**t . Just had communication with him, I start feeling ok then he has to get in touch and it starts over again . But I'm angry not upset.

Ilove, our messages must have crossed. Yes, I think it's the practicalities- if you could just be in a new house without the sorting mortgage and moving it would make it easier . X sleep well everyone

Ilove wintersnow I'm constantly visualising my new life in a different home & then I've to come back to reality & realise mediation/mortgage/access etc all must be sorted out before that & how much heartache lies ahead for my dc and frustration for me and how many flying monkeys will come my way trying to help 'sort it out' or advising me to work/Try harder at my marriage for 'sake of the dc'
I'll be firm with these people and tell them our marriage hasn't worked out & if they want to continue to be in mine and the dc's lives I'd appreciate their support in building our new lives.

Yesterday I wrote a list of things that need to be sorted at mediation, I'm sure they've got a list too but just the things that matter in our personal circumstances.

Crab writing the letter may help you release those thoughts from your mind but sending it won't help at all

Yes I know deep down you are probably right mammy. Spent a while yesterday putting thoughts down and tbh at the end of it all felt pretty tearful. Perhaps that’s the point and letting myself feel sad is helping me to heal. Had a realisation that when someone doesn’t give a shit about your feelings, trying to appeal to their sense of reason or trying to make them see your POV is pointless; they just don’t care anymore.

Just trying to work out a way of getting all those thoughts to go. So tired of running through it all in my head now. Had some good sleep last night with a lot of dreams about my ex and my ds. Nothing moody and it feels like my brain is trying to file away my feelings in some sort of order, in a good way though. I woke feeling pretty good this morning. Hope that continues, got my eow coming up, will pick up ds ASAP after school tmro. Hugs all

Have you considered counselling crab because you've had a huge shock to your system, life as you know it or had foreseen it being has completely changed

crab yes counselling might be worth trying. Or perhaps keeping a diary can help a bit?

I’m trying to work out how best to handle something with my ex. My eldest has just been in compete hysterics because he doesn’t like ex’s girlfriend, doesn’t want to stay at ex’s house and doesn’t want the girlfriend to be there. Apparently the girlfriend said he would go to prison when he pushed his brother off his scooter last weekend. I think maybe ex/girlfriend didn’t appreciate that might sound scary coming from someone a child doesn’t know.

I do think if ex has seen my eldest he would be upset and wouldn’t want him to feel like that, and he has tried to make his flat nice for them and do nice things.

I don’t know how to bring this up so it doesn’t sound like this is about me not liking his girlfriend or trying to control how he sees the kids and/or so he believes me? I’ve promised my DS I will say something and that he doesn’t t have to stay there. It’s just how to tell my ex so it works out best for my son?

I feel quite upset by the whole thing

Evening all.

Sounds like we are all moving forward. I did look at moving. But can't afford a three bed with a mortgage on my own. We have just tied into another two years. As maintenance was not being paid at that point. Hoping that in two years the mortgage will be less. And maintenance is now being paid. That will help me get own mortgage. I don't mind going down to a two bed. I will get sofa bed and sleep in lounge if it means we are financial not tied to him. Also I expect by then he might be making moves to get his own mortgage. But that is further down the line. But I would be happy to move away from the family home and put the past behind me.

Right now the kids need stability. And get use to new status quo.

On a lighter note I just went to mow the lawn and the mower has gone. I assume he needed it in his new flat. 😂. I was going to sell the bloody thing anyway. It was far to big for my tiny lawn.

This is my first weekend without the kids. I have planned something all weekend. So it will go quickly. Not what I ever wanted for my kids. Youngest is already telling me she doesn't want to go. I'm sure when he turns up she will be excited to see him as he has seen them for five hours in four weeks. We will all get use to it.

Hope everyone has something to look forward to this weekend.

We have bought tomato's and strawberries to grow. I don't fancy my chances but give us something to do together.

I should add this all came out unprompted at bedtime. Although eldest had been being difficult all week.

I feel sad not just for DS but also weirdly for my ex. I don’t want DS not to want to see him. He will never believe though I’m not trying to score points etc asnwill feel I am attacking his girlfriend.

Doesn’t help we had a spiky text conversation as I said to him he needed to tell em when he took the kids stuff from the house to his flat to stay there permanently which he took badly.

eve your mower comment made me smile - looks like both our exes are taking stuff from the house without saying!

I love. That is a difficult situation. And I think it might be something I have to face further down the line. How old is your ds.

My thoughts would be to sit together and say ds has said this and how can we make it so he wants to go. Maybe just go for one night for the time being. ??

On a side note what a stupid thing to say to a child. Again I am sure I have this to come as ow is 23 and just left Home to live with twat face.

Bet her parents are thrilled been with him a matter of months 11 years older than her two kids and living in a shitty rented flat. She has hit gold. Bitter? me!! No 😀

Crumps I would be concerned about a comment like that too. Obviously your kids have been through an awful lot of upheaval and change and saying things like that is no way to instil calm. I would just express to your ex that the comment upset your child, and that they have made their feelings clear. It’s not like you have to lay down the law, just get across the way this new woman is making your child feel, and perhaps suggest she backs off a bit with trying to be mum in such situations.

Thanks both eve and crab - I think that is the approach I will have to try. eve My DS is only just 6 - my strong suspicion is OW is younger.I'm also surprised as to the fact she said that ( and that she feels it is her place to discipline him?).

I really do want him to be happy going there and to feel comfortable around her. It was upsetting to hear him saying he doesn’t want to see his dad/go there.

I’m also a bit worried as he can be a more difficult child than his brother - and I’m concerned he will play up and then she won’t like him. I get the impression that has already happened a bit - my youngest is one of those very easy, loveable children who gets loads of attention. Super cute. My eldest is - if I’m honest- just more difficult. From what he was saying I think he feels she doesn’t like him as much. He is trying so hard my heart really broke for him. He was saying he was scared of her because of the prison thing.

Hello all, sorry to hear about the children's reactions. It's awful that they have to go through it because of them. Also that the other parties don't seem to realise the impact.

Mower gate - mines missing too! ive read a few posts and it seems to be the thing they take, Is it to try to look macho and handy round the house... Also why hasn't she got one? X

Hi all, hoping you have a good time tonight eve, must be nice to go out and have a few drinks with some friends after such an awful few months.

Got ds here for the weekend and it’s great as always. For me, because I see him so little compared to most of you, it almost seems like everything is alright and the dark times seem distant. He gives me a focus and makes me look to the future much more than when I’m left to my own devices. Wish it was more often but that’s life now. Hope to get a solid few days at half term.

Looks like my buyout plan has fallen through. Family unable to raise the huge amount needed to secure it, so back on the market it will go. Told the ex and she went mental 😀 I couldn’t help but laugh at her. It only delayed the process by six weeks or so and she can’t move till August anyway, so I fail to see the problem. For me I only care about ds staying in school till the end of the year and that should happen now. Quite why I should give a shit about what is convenient for her is beyond me. But it sums up what she has become, the whole world must revolve around her it would seem. I’ve been reading up about covert narcissism and it’s answered a lot of questions about her behaviour.

So plan b for my new house it is, cheaper and further out, but a fresh start for me and ds. Plus I probably won’t need a lodger to manage it. Can’t wait now. Fed up of being in limbo. Hugs all x

Crab plan B sounds pretty good to me

H has suggested that we mightn't need mediation, he's sorry it came to this but he understands why I need us to split. He suggested keeping house until mortgage is paid & dc are grown & sell then  that he'll move into granny flat of house next door. We need to have a proper discussion about this because I don't want to manage it financially alone because I literally wouldn't have a spare penny and if he's going to contribute I can see him very resentful towards me living in our big house with dc and him not.
He says it's the dcs home which it is of course but they could have two homes if we sell.
Does he not plan on having dc 50/50 who knows.
If we can talk it through ourselves it will help with mediation but IMO we still need to attend

Dds Birthday today & once that's done I feel that we can progress with talks

@eve34 Have you named your H earlier?

Yes. How do I change that. I don't seem to be able to report my own post. Anyone help please?

If you swipe from left to right on app you can report I'd say

Have pm’d mnhq for you eve

Hi mammy only just noticed the name change. Congrats!

How old are your dc’s? I’m guessing that could put you in a borderline unaffordable situation for quite a few years. I would do what is best for you and your kids, what is best for him is not your problem. It sounds like it could be a recipe for disaster, I wouldn’t want my ex right under my nose on the doorstep.

Got a lovely day here. We had the mother of all lightning storms here last night. I was genuinely crapping it, so was ds, lightning strikes really really close and was waiting for the house to get a direct one. Thankfully we’re all in one piece this morning.