Feeling sad....but will get there!

[Moocow72]

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

Evening all.
Hope everyone is ok.

Day two of the holidays and the weather wasn't so good today. So we chilled out at the villa. It was lovely to have nothing to do. And I was thinking how much better it was we all relaxed. If he was here he would be huffing and puffing and I wouldn't be able to relax and would have to pacify him constantly. So it was a real positive

Just hope we get some sunshine tomorrow.

Evening everyone

So it’s my first night in the house without the kids. I’m sure I will get used to it but I felt so sad earlier - and just strange as well. My eldest burst into hysterical tears in the street today because he was worried I wouldn’t get off the bus in time, but actually because he was nervous about staying at his dads and would miss me. My littlest asked if I could stay there too (!). I know they will both be fine once there but I felt so sad for them, feeling uncertain in their lives.

It also really brought home how little my ex has been around during their childhood so far and never had them in his own - how most of the time it’s been just me and them. Was so strange popping out the house to buy something for my dinner this evening without them and when they would usually be doing bath. Seems harder because we have been getting on so well the three of us - really got into our own little rhythm, much more relaxed and happy and I know I wouldn’t have that with ex around so kind of the quid pro quo of these weekends alone.

As I say I know I will get used to it and I know it’s best for them. But it just seems so very unfair when he has never been involved or put them first and I had to give up so much because he wasn’t there. And now I have to not be with them.

Hi all - I need to catch up on the posts but just wanted to post a quick reply

Crab - Yes indeed 72 is my birth year ! Although having it on my username clearly doesn’t help me remember as for the last 6 months before my birthday I already thought I was 46! So it was a pleasant surprise to stay the same age for another year !

Glad you had a good time with ds and love the way you handled you getting upset with him. Kept it simple (you’re sad because you miss being with him and his mother) so he could understand and most importantly made him aware that you would both always be there for him. That must have been such a comfort for him as I think that’s what young kids need the most in these situations - reassurance.

Crumps - I bet things are strange for you without kids in house but again, as always, well done to you for taking it in your stride and realising it will get easier. You are completely right with it seeming unfair with ex focussing on his life for so long and now you have to just fit around the fact that he has decided to uproot your lives with the separation and suddenly him “demanding” this time with the kids. It’s not fair at all. But good on you for putting the kids first (as always). Sounds like you have a lovely family unit with the three of you though and I know what you mean about that time feeling more enjoyable and relaxed without ex.

Hugs to all xx

Hi Moo

Hope things are good with you? Currently sorting a load of clothes with a G and T in hand . Certainly gives me some space to get stuff done and will have the weird experience of a lie in tomorrow ( bet I still wake early )

Evening all.

I love hope you get your lie in. I feel your pain. I keep saying the children and I are paying the price for twat face decision. I do not want to have any enforced time without them. But of course will that sacrifice. Breaks my heart to wake and they will not be there. I never wanted it this way.

Long day today. My family have been amazing spoiling us. But have no idea how all these late nights affect the kids. If he was here I could of got them back earlier. And left the grown ups drinking. But I'm in their hands. And they have been so generous I am not comfortable complaining.

Hope the kids have had a good time. I'm feeling tearful tonight. Hate that we aren't a family of four. But it is what it is. And I know it is going to work out ok.

Two more days then back to it. Roll on May half term already.

Morning everyone nice to hear from you moo, and welcome back Claudia. Glad you enjoying your hols eve too, and hope your lie in was long and relaxing crumps. I’m only just getting back to normal sleep patterns, was only getting 4-5 hours before.

Just FaceTimed an old friend who’s been in New Zealand for the last ten years. His wife decided she didn’t want their marriage anymore about a year ago. Two kids, 8 and 3 and my friend is heartbroken. He moved to the other side of the world, sorted his life out completely (he was a true heavyweight for partying back in the day) bought a house, sold it bought another one, was doing better than anyone could have predicted but she’s decided she wants to go it alone. He’s still supporting her, paying for the house he no longer lives in and basically not moving on. Not sure where I’m going with this one, just saying it’s so sad but it happens to so many of us. He hasn’t really moved past her, still loves her with all his heart. I tried to advise as best I could.

Having my son for a few days was really uplifting. It has been three months now since we’ve had more than 24 hours together and although it’s not the life I had planned at all, I can take strength that we will have many happy times together in the future. Only a few days now till my next full weekend. Currently at a high point on the rollercoaster but I’m getting to know how this shit works now. Has a really bad day Friday and was almost choking back tears all days. So strapping in for the dive bomb that will come anytime soon.

Twat faced decision is a superb choice of words eve. Sums up most of our situations perfectly I reckon, but the thing to remember is that it wasn’t our decision or what we wanted. I can’t change her decision no matter how much I dislike it so must stop looking to the past.

Hello everyone it's been a long time since I posted on here. Just been reading through posts. It's like identical stories isn't it? They think they're unique, yet we're all going through the same thing. Eve34 my family and friends spoil me too and actually it's hard to say no to anything, don't want to seem ungrateful when they've done so much.
Ilovecrumpets being on your own is one of the worst things, I don't have dcs and am usually ok but it's weekends, getting back from friends when the loneliness hits. I keep myself busy most of the time , but the down moments are rotten. X big hugs x

Hello everyone

Hope we all had a good weekend - crab so good you had a lovely time with our DS and are feeling positive - hopefully the positives start to last longer than the down times

eve I’m sure your DC had a lovely time, including g the late nights. Hope you enjoyed yourself too and well done for getting through another first!

winter yes when I read I also think how similar the stories all are. And the exes. Kind of cliches all of them.

I had a really productive day - did end up waking at 6 even without the kids but enjoyed being able to lounge in bed. Sorted the spare room that ex has been meant to have sorted for well over a year so feel good that that is done. Shoved a load of his stuff in bags in the cellar.

He brought the kids back exhausted - youngest ran in and fell asleep on the sofa immediately. Felt extremely irritated by him this evening - he is doing his ‘hurt’ approach as since the taking the kids to his flat/meeting the girlfriend without telling me I haven’t engaged in any conversation with him other than politely about the kids. He treated me with such disrespect I am no longer prepared to engage with him. So the pretence we can be friends has now gone. I give it a month until he starts getting nasty about money!

Evening all.

I love. Glad you got on and had a good sort. It is like a breath of fresh air when you get things in order. I will hopefully go back to some empty cupboards as he was coming to take last of stuff whilst we have been away. I have great plans to getting things away. Well done for taking a hard line. They need to know that they are no longer our friends.

Kids dad was texting more than he has in weeks the day we flew out. It really upset me that he is being so normal. I sent a long email of my expectations moving forwarded. And ended it with I do not want any unnecessary communication. It did not go down well. He doesn't like that I am taking control of my situation and I am not playing the hurt little women part I was meant too.

Anyway. Another week ahead of us. Hope it being everyone strength and positive thoughts.

Communication- eve, I love, exactly the same,- he expects me to communicate and discuss things as if we are friends and all is ok. They are all fantasists , created a whole new world for themselves and don't realise the impact their behaviour has on us. Anyway we have to sort out the house so I need to be civil, but that will end when I move. Have a good week everyone , I actually look forward to going to work now X sleep well x

Morning all. Just been reading from the start. It struck me again that a lot of us were 20ish years with our DPs. Is that when they feel left out? When they have a mid life crisis because they need to feel attractive and adored by a younger model? Too many stories of a similar nature.c

Winter. Yes I had that thought. That they weren't the centre of attention anymore. My ex changed his whole circle of friends. He had to be hailed like a god. Hope his new found worshippers soon see him for the bully that he really is.

Afternoon all hope you’ve got some nice weather where you are. It’s lovely here on the south coast. Not quite t shirt time but not far off it.

Had a really good couple of days now and feeling more at ease with the situation. I know I’m not there yet but crumps you are right, the good days are starting to outnumber the bad days. Am managing to not look back with such hopelessness so much, almost accepting that I can’t change the situation. She didn’t want us as a family anymore so it’s pointless trying to get back to a place she was not happy with. Starting to let go properly perhaps.

Good that you are making changes to your houses eve and crumps. Looking forward to settling back in somewhere. Am easy as to where- if I can get back to my house then great, if not it’ll be something cheaper and a bit further from London and that’s fine too. Hugs all

Evening all hope everyone is keeping their heads above water. We are back to the normal routine.
Kids are going to their dads for their first weekend. Really hope he makes a fuss of them and doesn't over look them for the ow. But out of my hands now.

Not looking forward to being home alone but got to get use to it. Got busy weekend planned.

Had horrible phone call from him. Calling me all the names under the sun. It was in response to an e mail I sent. It told him few Home truths. And that I didn't want any unnecessary contact with him moving forward . That I wanted my keys back and to be more vigilant about kids belongings etc.

I knew it would piss him off but he has gone skyward. So now apparently he isn't playing nice anymore. So will wait and see what happens next. Part of me thinks I should apologies for my part. But then he will only think I am doing that because he has threatened to take the house. So best just to do nothing. If he hadn't of kept pushing to be friends we would of probably found some middle ground by now. But just made me dig my heels in all the more. Lesson learnt.

eve

I’ve just had an awkward conversation with my ex too - mainly because I’m not playing super nice anymore and asked him to leave when he was faffing round in the kitchen ( having got the kids to bed late). Cue various comments about it still being his house and he pays half the bills ( knew this was coming!). Then a weird conversation where he asked if he was having the kids ‘all weekend’ this weekend - I don’t know why this really irritated me as he never has them ‘all weekend’.

Anyway ended with him saying he couldn’t make his other regular night for bath and bed again ( didn’t last week) and did I ‘want’ or need him to do another night - to which I said no I don’t and was what he was actually asking if he could do another night?

All very awkward and I always feel like I have to say yes to him coming another night for the kids but then that is just exactly the same as it was when married with me always working round/accommodating him.

Arrrrrgghhh. Anyway need to refind my equilibrium so I can revert to being deadly nice instead . I really dislike interacting with him at all at the moment.

Ps eve I’m also feeling like I should apologise. But I suspect we probably shouldn’t.

Good luck for the weekend too xxx

Sorry you have had to lock horns too I love.

The e Mail was curt and to the point but not rude or aggressive. But knew he would take offence. Why is it we feel like we are in the wrong. When they should just respect the boundaries.

Think if you can have clear set routine I love. It will help you know where you stand

That is what I have been pushing for. Eow. For 48 hours. See how long it last. I think my youngest is going to struggle after few weeks. But got to see how it goes. Hopefully routine be good for the children. They are both struggling.

I am looking forward to the weekends when kids are home and know he isn't coming. I need that space. And need to make my own plans and build new life for myself.

Yes I think that’s the thing eve - I just want routine so I know when I have the house to myself.

And you are right - why do we always instinctively feel we are ‘wrong’ and want to make thing right? It’s difficult drawing boundaries after so long I think - also for me I’m always aware that ex could turn unpleasant at any point. But then worry that I don’t want to be drawn down a path on getting more and more acrimonious and being stuck in a very difficult place to share parenting. I guess it’s working out where the balance lies and what works best for us - not them!

My kids are struggling a bit at the moment. My littlest has been up for hours the last two nights, ended up in my bed. I think he just feels insecure - actually staying with the ex seems to have made it more difficult for them. It is also quite sad as I think my eldest also has an understanding that daddy is now with his ‘friend’ and seems to find that very hard to understand. Hopefully they too will soon get used to it. It definitely feels better to me that I’m not the one looking as if I am leaving them and the house anymore.

I love. I am sure a few months down the line we will all be more use to the situation. Just hard to see how this impacts upon the kids. And it is us handling it.

Yes you are right there is a line and I now feel it has gone to far. But sure it will calm back down. Got no choice. We are going to have to have contact for many years to come yet. Hopefully reach a better compromise now he has kicked off. But if he wants a fight I am not going to be pushed around.

Yes eve - it is important to not make things right by backing down. But difficult to draw the line and hold it without getting pulled into emotional reactions.

I’m sure we will all get there in the end - and mustn’t be hard on ourselves along the way

I love , eve, the interactions and walking on eggshells are horrible. He tries to be chatty, as if we're friends. He doesn't get it. I'm trying to keep it all to a minimum because it normally leads to me saying home truths too and him then having that condescending air as if I lack dignity and decency .!! And forgets he waste one to break us up with his affair. However, I know I've got to try to keep it peaceful for now because he's still paying for the house and like you I love I'm afraid he might turn nasty . Good luck both with weekends and hope the children are OK X

Morning all. Hope you all slept well

Winter sorry to hear that you are in a similar situation. Funny how they think they can say sorry and we are suppose to go. Oh that ok. No worries. I know my ex thought that it was all going to work out friendly and I would shake his hand and wish him well.

I have written an apology. I except that I have upset him and for that I am sorry. That wasn't my intention. But the point made are still valid. About money. Car seats and minimal contact. I haven't sent the apology yet. I don't want him to think he can threaten me over the house gets what he wants. I know where I stand legally. And I am happy for him to get some advice as it isn't going to much different to what I already know.

I see I pushed too far. But as I said everything I wrote needed to be said. What a mess

Hi everyone hope you’ve all got some sunshine. It’s interesting all these stories of your ex’s trying to be friendly. It’s staggering that they can destroy a family and then have the audacity to pretend things can be civil and matey. I think it has a lot to do with easing their guilt, that somehow what they’ve done is acceptable.

I don’t have that problem thankfully, what with my self imposed expulsion from our family home. All contact is strictly to do with ds now. But what I do have is a million different things rattling around in my head about all the ways she let us down which is driving me slightly mad. I feel like I want to send one last goodbye email, to get it off my chest and help put it all behind me. Don’t know what to do, it’s been a month of nc for me now, apart from childcare arrangements.

Lonely. If you think it will bring you some closure then I would write it. And sit on it for a day to two and see how you feel. And if you still want to send it then do. Think we all need some peace with our situation.

Mine has take. A turn. I apologised for cause such upset but repeated I don't want anything above minimal contact. He text to say don't e mail me. Then text again to ask me if the timing was right for the children to know he is now living with ow. Told him it was his call.

Bearing in mind she has been at every contact and don't think it is going to be a shock to them. But didn't want to point that out.

So just have to see what happens next. If he gets legal advice I am prepared for it.

Hello all, hope the week's going ok. Lonelycrab- I agree about them trying to be civil and matey, I think it's to show the rest of the world ie their family etc that things are ok , that they are not heartbreakers and haven't destroyed our present lives . Make themselves feel better. Well, it doesn't wash .